Am I really trans?

[Joe.]

What if I'm not actually trans but in fact just messed up beyond the point of repair?

[Tiresias]

Whether or not you're trans is something only you can decide, I think. Don't think of what is expected or anything like that, just look into yourself and see how you feel about it. I don't know you or your situation, but I don't think one can be messed up beyond repair when it comes to gender. Good luck sorting things out, Joe.

[suzifrommd]

Trans is just a label. The real question is what you need to DO to move your life in the direction you want it to go.

[Ltl89]

What if I'm not actually trans but in fact just messed up beyond the point of repair?

Hmm, I would say whether you are trans or not, there are things that we could all work on and repair.  Which is why I think therapy and lots of self reflection is needed during this phase of our life.  Our problems, as debilitating as they can be, will only go away with hard work and acceptance of them.  There is much for us all to face that will require some inner strength and require us to face our fears.  Yet, it sometimes is what we need to do.  It's scary but we need to face our demons.  It's easier said than done and I'm still battling mine on a daily basis.  Sometimes I feel I am winning and other times I feel as though I have lost the battle.  Transitioning and life itself can be very hard.   That's why I suggest therapy Joey.  I know what it's like to be in a funk and have depressive thoughts.  However, being proactive and taking action is better than simply dwelling on it.  You can repair yourself, but it will take work.  I wish you well and hope you consider some of the things you've been told in the past.  As I said before, I wish you nothing but the very best.

[MugwortPsychonaut]

When my therapist first called me by my girl name, my heart sang. I knew something was right. And when anybody calls me by my girl name, my heart sings. Something's right!

Do you ever present as your "preferred" gender? How does it make you feel?

[Tanya W]

Hmm, I would say whether you are trans or not, there are things that we could all work on and repair.  Which is why I think therapy and lots of self reflection is needed during this phase of our life.

I'm going to chime in with Learning, Joe. Both questions - 'Am I trans?' and 'Am I just messed up?' - are worthy of considerable attention / exploration. This is for me part of the silver lining of this situation: I have pretty much been forced (by misery, by desperation, by utter confusion) to look into both these questions in ways I would never have even considered had I been more 'normal'.

As for 'beyond the point of repair', I can't believe anyone asking this question would actually be 'beyond'.

Best to you, 

[FTMDiaries]

I am not a doctor but from what you've described in our conversations, you definitely have long-standing trans* tendencies. Alongside those trans* tendencies, you've gone through various things in your life that have left you feeling anxious and/or depressed at various stages.

That's normal. It can be very difficult to grow up with trans* feelings when we live in a society as heavily gendered as ours, which is why GICs expect patients to present with these sort of symptoms. Also, transitioning is an enormous, life-changing thing to consider. With such an enormous decision facing you, it's perfectly healthy for you to question whether you're doing the right thing.

Part of the purpose of the three initial GIC appointments is to rule out any mental illness. If they find anything, they'll send you to the right people to have that treated. But from what you've described, your trans* feelings meet DSM-V guidelines for Gender Dysphoria, IMHO.

So my advice to you? Let the experts thoroughly assess you based on your honest testimony, and take it from there. If they diagnose you as trans* but you decide you're not yet ready to transition, that's perfectly fine - they'll keep you on their books until you're ready. If you choose not to transition at all, they'll still offer you counselling. And as for 'messed up beyond repair'? I don't believe that for a second. You've had your struggles, but you have an excellent head on your shoulders. All you need is the right kind of support.