Lurking

[insideontheoutside]

I know the term lurking has it's own definition when it comes to message boards, but what I'm going to ask, is how many of you feel like you're lurking through real life?

Basically, being on one side of the gender fence or the other (or attempting to sit in the middle of it) to society, but having that conflict internally that you're on the wrong side of the fence (or perhaps you like to get down from sitting in the middle and roam around on one side or the other every now and then).

You know how they say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence I feel like I've seen the grass from both sides.

Let me give you an example of how I've lurked in real life ...

I'm a bit of a sucker for massage therapy. I don't know what magical thing it is about it that suspends any of my dysphoria for a short time, but it does. You want to get me to relax? Give me a back massage. So often times when I travel and end up in a nice hotel, I blow like $300 at whatever spa they have. Naturally, the spa is separated by gender (unless you happen to find yourself in certain parts of the world or a hippy-run hot springs), so I proceed into the shadowy netherworld that is ... the women's spa. Serious lurking ensues. If you think about it from a guy perspective (even a bisexual dude such as myself) it's like having the power of invisibility. There really are naked women in hot tubs in there ... or saunas ... or showers ... Don't get me wrong, I'm no pervert. I've actually never been "tuned on" in the spa, but there's no way around the fact that I can't shake the feeling that I just shouldn't be there. I usually retreat to a bathroom stall to ditch everything but my underwear and pop out in one of those white oversized robes they give you. Mind you, I have gotten some "looks" because I really don't do anything at all to look feminine. I don't shave my legs, etc. I'm fairly androgynous in appearance but I've come to believe that most people take circumstantial evidence or "clues" to lob me over to the female side. I don't partake in any of the hot tubs or anything. I just have some tea and apple slices (or whatever else they've got) and sit there quietly waiting for my massage appointment ...basically just observing what other people are doing and doing a lot of thinking to myself. I wonder if there's anyone else like me in there ... I wonder what people would think if they knew the truth about me ...

Even in normal, everyday circumstances I'll find myself lurking a bit. People watching is probably a low-level hobby for me. I'm very observant when I want to be. I watch how gender works in society. I'll watch how women are treated by men. I'll watch how men are treated by women. It all feels like a sociology experiment at times. Gender is the very first question that's ever asked of anyone (boy or girl?) and from there on out it plays a role in interacting with people. When your assigned gender doesn't match your actual gender, it's like sitting on the fence in a way. You could go to one side and completely understand and feel like you're a part of it, and consequently get crazy looks from people because you don't look the expected way you should. Or you could go back to the side you're assigned and feel totally out of place even if people are otherwise treating you an expected way because you look how they assume you should. No matter which way you drift, you feel like you're lurking in territory that in some way is "off limits".

I stopped letting that drag me down awhile ago though. For me, going all the way over to one side or the other felt more weird in many ways. Perhaps because I've learned how to navigate both sides and kind of come to a point where I'm comfortable with the fact that 99% of the people I interact with will never know about that part of me, but that's okay. I used to beat myself up about "living a lie". I used to feel terrible with that feeling that I didn't belong somewhere (like surrounded by women in an all-women's space). So perhaps my version of lurking was my way of getting okay with it in my head. Really, I just feel I'm an androgynous male with a few feminine traits. Doesn't mean I am female, but it also doesn't stop people from treating me like a female, rather than an androgynous male in many instances.

[Jamie D]

This is a super post!  I often sit back and quiet observe the people around me.  This particularly true in malls, during the holidays, when I don't feel like being dragged through stores that have no interest for me.  I'll go to the meeting spot and just watch as the world races past me.

I often wonder, if an alien being were to do the same thing, would they be as thoroughly perplexed as I am?  LOL

[Tanya W]

When your assigned gender doesn't match your actual gender, it's like sitting on the fence in a way. You could go to one side and completely understand and feel like you're a part of it, and consequently get crazy looks from people because you don't look the expected way you should. Or you could go back to the side you're assigned and feel totally out of place even if people are otherwise treating you an expected way because you look how they assume you should. No matter which way you drift, you feel like you're lurking in territory that in some way is "off limits".

This is a wonderful description of my life!

For me, one of the big struggles with lurking is equating the experience with personal non-existence. One does not equal the other, of course, but my mind quickly hops, skips, and jumps to a place where they are the same. I find myself doing what is called fence sitting above and very soon afterward feel like I don't exist. Then a whole spiral of misery kicks into gear...

I've never before put this experience into words. So thanks for the post - most helpful!

   

[JenSquid]

Very much. I far too often fail to act or participate, as I sit by the sidelines and watch, frequently out of both fear of failure and out of a sense of not belonging. Honestly, at times I feel like life is passing me by, while I watch in vain trying to figure out what's going on. So, yeah, I am very much a lurker.

[Kaelin]

Without elaborating too much... yeah, that happens a lot.  I mean, not the part I'm somewhere where I'm not really supposed to be (I'm not supposed to be "on the other side"), but the involuntary undercover aspect is something we can get suckered into -- aside from the emotional disconnect we suffer, it's otherwise the "easier" approach (for relatives, employers, and just moving about and doing errands).

[LordKAT]

I think I was always too withdrawn to lurk.

[Tanya W]

Honestly, at times I feel like life is passing me by

This thread has stayed with me overnight. Like Jen, sometimes my lurking results in a sense of life passing by. I personally am tired of this - tired, saddened, frustrated, take your pick! Which has me wondering how I can 'stake my territory' a little bit more as I move through my days.

Yesterday my therapist happened to encourage me to do more work with what he calls 'markers' - aspects of appearance that mark me as who I feel I actually am. I have long hair, of instance. I accessorize to some extent. Chose clothing that has a wider range of colour than a typical 'male'. All of these have blurred my place on the gender spectrum to some extent.

What more, I wonder? I want to get earrings. I want to start coming out to a few people close to me. I want to start using a light foundation to mask my facial hair. As I become a little more comfortable with this body I have, I find that slightly more femme mannerisms begins to emerge. I wonder what others like me do...

There's this curious roiling inside me, to be honest. A roiling that seems to get more intense as I take these baby steps in accepting that I don't really fall in the 'either/or' gender categories this culture offers. From time to time - like right now - this feeling wants me to come out from the shadowland I feel I have existed in all my life (i.e.: lurking) and scream, "Here I am!"

Sometimes I surprise myself...
   

[VeronicaLynn]

I'll go to the meeting spot and just watch as the world races past me.

I often wonder, if an alien being were to do the same thing, would they be as thoroughly perplexed as I am?  LOL

Maybe you just enjoy people watching? I do. I like interacting with a certain segment of those people, but other segments, I just like to watch...there's nothing wrong with that. Even the segment I am interested in, sometimes I just watch because I am not in the best situation to interact, you can learn a lot from these situations if you watch....and most situations really...

[insideontheoutside]

TanyaW, I'm glad you're getting something out of this one!

And to everyone else as well, thanks for the responses.

Over the years I've come to learn many things about myself but one big important one was how changing my perspective on something could really make a wide-ranging impact on not just the way I think about whatever it is, but my life in general.

The original spark came from my significant other (who I'm now married to). After I gave up alcohol and party drugs I spent about a year of my life being plagued by severe anxiety and panic attacks. There was a stretch of about 2 months where I didn't even leave my apartment except to go out to the mailbox or sit on the front step at the bottom of the stair. One day I was sitting out there and my sig other came to visit me. I'm sure he could tell I was just one ball of anxiety. So he says to me, "You know, there's stars going supernova out there". Then he gets up and walks up to the stairs to my apartment and goes in. I'll never forget it. It was just a thing that was so far out in left field that I couldn't not give it my attention. For me, it was kind of the smack upside the head I needed right at that moment (I am kind of an astronomy geek btw) to snap me out of my little self-made pit of despair. It might not have worked on some people. Some people might take that to think that their whole life was so insignificant that it wasn't worth bothering with (and those people I have another good one, "We're all made of stardust"). But for me, it was an eye-opener that no matter what my problems or issues were right then, they definitely weren't supernova sized! After that I day I crawled my way out with the help of a Chinese doctor and my uncle who's a psychologist (no prescription drugs) and I haven't had even a minor anxiety attack since.

So whenever I feel edgy or stressed or upset I try to change my perspective. And so that's what I did with lurking. I can interact with people, and I certainly don't let life pass me by anymore, but it's like it gives my brain something to do, it really is kind of like a hobby (honestly I think people watching is a legit hobby anyway), or just a personal secret that I keep. I'm privy to information that few people are. Most people just fall into their assigned gender "role" and never give it another thought their whole life. They simply can't imagine what it's like to be the opposite gender. Yet I know that information. So I really don't put a negative, bummer connotation on lurking because I've changed my perspective about it (and I do plenty more non-lurking now than I used to do!).

[Tanya W]

Most people just fall into their assigned gender "role" and never give it another thought their whole life. They simply can't imagine what it's like to be the opposite gender. Yet I know that information. So I really don't put a negative, bummer connotation on lurking because I've changed my perspective about it (and I do plenty more non-lurking now than I used to do!).

Thanks, Inside. This such an inspiring passage. As I was doing my ruminating yesterday, composing my second post, it did occur to me that your account of lurking seemed much less of 'a negative, bummer' than mine. The thought arose, 'Why's that?', but for whatever reason this question never made it to my typing. And here you have offered the insight I was hoping for. Curious, this life.

Honestly, there have been glimpses of the perspective you describe here. Mostly I am bummed and confused and frustrated and scared and and and... But once and a while, there is a flashing sense of 'gift' in this situation I find myself inhabiting. It doesn't last long and, until you named it for me/us, I'm not certain I could have pointed to it. But it's there from time to time. It's there.

I suspect these glimpses offer at least some of the light that has been feeding a desire to come out into the world more than I do at present. To share myself more in times and ways that seem appropriate, right to me. To live. And maybe this is one reason I am so affected by your latest offering here - One of my big questions in joining this (amazing!) site was to find some help in answering this: 'How do I live this life?' You've given no small amount of this kind of help here today.

So again, thanks.

[insideontheoutside]

I suspect these glimpses offer at least some of the light that has been feeding a desire to come out into the world more than I do at present. To share myself more in times and ways that seem appropriate, right to me. To live. And maybe this is one reason I am so affected by your latest offering here - One of my big questions in joining this (amazing!) site was to find some help in answering this: 'How do I live this life?' You've given no small amount of this kind of help here today.

So again, thanks.

You're very welcome

[Sammy]

Uh huh, this very much struck how I felt for years. One of my main ways how I dealt with dysphoria (I had no idea what it was – I just knew that there were days when i felt strange and sad and longing), was that I just was wandering around crowded places, hopping on public buses, going random directions etc.
I was observing other people – not stalking or staring, but just... looking at them with a sense of curiosity. And there was always that feeling of being detached – like there were them and then there was me and I did not belong there with them.
To describe my state of mind and attitude I could simply say that I was not there for a stay – I was ,,transit passenger", a passer-by. I might stop for a brief interaction, but I would never stay.
Now, looking back, I feel like I was a very crazy person with serious mental issues, but people seemed to like – which did frustrate me even more .

[Cindy Stephens]

I came of age in the late 60's and 70's when we were virtually unknown and information was almost nonexistent.  Dysphoria and depression!  I cross dressed privately and used many of the substances the era was famous for.  In the late 80's I finally went to a gender therapist and started the process.  I related to her that I often felt like a "spaceman" who merely observed the primitives on this planet.  I also had an affinity for Ann Frank, the Dutch girl whose family hid from the Nazis.  I was quite relieved to discover that while these coping mechanisms may be detrimental, they were not indications of mental illness.   I'm sure that it has adversely affected my outlook to today.  Ann was able to write,"in spite of it all, I still believe that people are basically good" (paraphrased).  I was left with a deep fear and mistrust of others that I can only breach with extreme effort.  I am fortunate to have found a person who loves me for who I am, and not in spite of it.  We have our own life of which we are both active participants.  Still, it would be nice to just be able to open up and just be ourselves with others. 
       

[Jamie D]

It really was a different day and age Cindy Stephens.  I recall that you have written about failed relationships and drug problems in your past, many of which probably had their roots in the dysphoria.  I have written about my search for myself, and not having the tools or the information, until recently, to really get a handle on things.

Sometimes, it becomes easy to feel sorry for ourselves, and what we missed out on while we were young adults.  If I had a time machine, I would go back and knock some sense into my 19-year old self.  But there is not use in dwelling about the past.

I like to look at it this way ... you and I, Cindy James, Virginia, Devlyn, Catherine, Joules, JamieP, Jaime, and many of the other of the 40-, 50-, and 60-somethings on these boards are survivors.  Too many of our generations didn't get here.  We did.  We owe it to others to tell them our stories.

And call me "Pollyanna," but I do believe that people are basically good.

[insideontheoutside]

I like to look at it this way ... you and I, Cindy James, Virginia, Devlyn, Catherine, Joules, JamieP, Jaime, and many of the other of the 40-, 50-, and 60-somethings on these boards are survivors.  Too many of our generations didn't get here.  We did.  We owe it to others to tell them our stories.

I definitely consider myself a survivor. Even when I was growing up in the 80s there was not an internet to research information. I didn't even really know what a transsexual was. I'd found some books with accounts of early sex changes but it was all MtF stuff. I had also read about accounts of women posing as men throughout history. When I tried therapy early on, I was basically told flat out by the first therapist that I was female and better get used to that role in society or I would have "problems". The one that really screwed my head up was the one that told me I had a mental illness because I had delusions about reality when it came to my gender. It literally took years to undo that. I know now that I've never actually had any mental illness (I don't even consider anxiety a mental illness). I've just been me my whole life and when considering the vast array of variation that occurs in nature, I may not be standard issue, but I'm not whacked in the head either.

[Tanya W]

I definitely consider myself a survivor.

This word has been so helpful for me as I work through abuse and addiction issues. I have never even considered it's relevance here, though. Not 'survivor' but 'cursed', 'freak', 'outcast', and only very, very recently, 'trans' have been my terms of choice.

But I grew up middle class and white bread in the Canadian suburbs of the 70s and 80s. Gender variation was not on the radar! There was one 'girl-bodied' person in junior high school who wanted to play baseball with the 'boys' - and oh what a debacle that was!

What I am realizing right now about all this is that I survived. I certainly have endured a lot of hurts - and still do - and I have so, so, so many regrets. But I survived. I am here. And I am beginning to explore an experience that has haunted me my entire life.

I am realizing, in other words, that I am a survivor and it feels so &^%$ good.

And now I feel moved to tears. How many others like me - survivors and not - are there?
   

[LordKAT]

Many, 60's and 70's weren't any better.

Hello fellow survivor.

[Emily.T]

Just like a lot of others this is me also I have never really fit into any one group so I have just sat by and watched the world go by in fear of being outed or ridiculed for not fitting in. My life has been mostly a solitary and lonely life I have never had any close friends and have pushed anyone away who tried to get close to me.

I have been diagnosed with mental health issues which I think has stemmed from my loneliness and also my abusive upbringing, in a nutshell I guess you could say that my life so far has been more of a torment to me than anything else.

But since accepting my trans life I have found a little happyness in dressing and being female I am hoping that starting my transition will bring me hope and some comp fort for the future by being able to be happy with my body as the body I was born with has only braught me misery.

Emily.T xx

[Tanya W]

Hello fellow survivor.

Thanks Kat. I'm giving this one some time to resonate. Seriously, every word. Hello. Fellow. Survivor.

Just like a lot of others this is me also I have never really fit into any one group so I have just sat by and watched the world go by in fear of being outed or ridiculed for not fitting in. My life has been mostly a solitary and lonely life I have never had any close friends and have pushed anyone away who tried to get close to me.

I'm so glad you made it here, Emily. Here's hoping you begin to find some of what has eluded you thus far.

[Sammy]

It turns out that my first and best coping mechanism was ignorance . Where I grew up in the 1980-ties on the other side of iron curtain there was no information about transsexuals and I read the first article specifically mentioning the term and covering the subject of SRS when I was 14. That article gave the term to relate, because prior to that I considered myself to be "confused gay" (someone who lives an imaginary life of a woman but not being attracted to guys). So yeah, without knowing what is going to come and that eventually and inevitably I would have to face it - it helped me to survive .