Denying my true identity?

[Jenna Stannis]

Is there anyone here like me who, while identifying and possibly having been "diagnosed" as transsexual, has decided not to transition in any way? It's just that health professionals and transgender groups alike issue serious warnings regarding such a decision, as it can lead to tragic outcomes.

I should stress that for the last few years I have been struggling with the question of transition, as it's definitely something that I would have undergone had my circumstances been different. As it is, there are numerous external reasons why I find the possibility of any kind of feminisation, let alone transition, virtually impossible. In short, personal crises seem to be lurking no matter whichever path I take. And yet, there's a real possibility that the path to transition may lead to a more authentic identity and greater happiness -- a possibility that I will just have to learn to live with.

[Gabrielle]

In a perfect world, who or what might you be?

[Roberta W]

Hi Jenna ... Have you read the posts in the androgyne section?  Some of the descriptions might fit you and your situation ... Just a thought.  The comments in there surely raised my level of understanding myself!  Roberto

[Cindy Stephens]

Hi Jenna,

You didn't explain too much of your personal situation, so a response has to be general.  There is a huge difference between transitioning and living an "authentic" life.  Many of us find ways to express ourselves without outing ourselves.  I work in the management end of a fairly large General contractor.  I have been on hormones for 7 years, had my facial hair removed, pluck eyebrows to a point halfway between the accepted norms, and occasionally use clear nail polish.  I don't get any grief at work because I maintain a strict butch discipline.  At home, I have a very understanding wife and express everything feminine that I can.  Sure, I would love to transition, but I would have to give up both of our jobs,with our above average income, and health care.  The stats on income and job security for transitioned people is not good so you are wise to be cautious.  There are some jobs that don't seem to have as much of a problem with it though and a good search of these boards may enlighten you. I think the real important point is too find what is right for you, and ignore those who are a bit more extreme.  Unless, of course, that is where you should be.  There are far more diagnosed transsexuals that do not transition and/or find relief through hormones than actually transition.  Most for many of the same worries that you have.  Here's hoping you find the balance you need.
     

[SciNerdGirl]

I am totally in the same position.  My family and work responsibilities completely prevent me from even considering a real transition.  I let myself cross-dress in private, but my comfortable life would basically be destroyed if I were to attempt to transition. I could probably handle the discomfort of my life collapsing however I feel it would be selfish to put my family (wife and son) through that.  Having said that If I were 20 years younger and single, I'm virtually certain I would transition.

J.

[Roberta W]

Oh SciNerd Girl ...

Touche!  I'm in exactly the same position!  I'm studying the "androgyne" definition ... It's pretty close to me also.  I think the difference is between those who would transition if there were no practical considerations or social pressures, and those who would not transition just because they're happy with where they stand on the changes they've made to their bodies.  The line is blurry ... Because there ARE practical considerations, as outlined by Cindy ... So we all live "on the edge of the knife blade" as the Susan's Place slogan says.

[izzy]

I feel like I can't transition because if family circumstances myself. The worst part is I feel depressed for denying my true self.

[Jenna Stannis]

Thanks for the interesting and supportive comments, people

Yes, it wasn't until after having a child (now a toddler) that I had the simultaneous realisation that (a) I am definitely trans and (b) reflecting on my newfound fatherhood, I couldn't ever see myself transitioning. But even before the arrival of my child, my family and friends were an impediment to my transitioning. Not that they're bad, backward people, it just wouldn't sit well with their understanding of who I am. Right or wrong on their part, the process of unpacking my female identity in front of them is just way too daunting a thought. Maybe if I were in my late teens or 20s and think the way that I do now, transitioning would have been a no brainer. But when I was that age, I had neither the maturity nor self-awareness required to have arrived at such a decision. Now I've just resigned to the idea of "being male" for the rest of my days. I just have to find a way of not becoming bitter, twisted and/or depressed.

[Roberta W]

Hi Jenna ... Do you still feel that if there were not family impediments that you would transition?  If so, then you are clearly in the correct forum, I just wish I had some useful suggestions for you.  I have a suspicion that there are many, many of us out there in your situation ... Stuck at pre-transition due to practical limitations, whether they be family, job, military or other circumstances.  Just know that there are many of us out here, and at least we can "compare notes".  Just out of curiosity, outside of transitioning in terms of telling people, have you done any physical transitions?  Roberto.

[Cindy Stephens]

Jenna,

Does your wife know?   That can be invaluable.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing.  Look into Tri Ess, a sorority for heterosexual crossdressers.  Some people get great relief from their meetings, though I cannot personally vouch.  Explore what is out there.  I went to Southern Comfort this year, with my wife, and had a good time.  I am just waiting for retirement to kick it up a notch next year.

[SciNerdGirl]

Thanks for the interesting and supportive comments, people

Yes, it wasn't until after having a child (now a toddler) that I had the simultaneous realisation that (a) I am definitely trans and (b) reflecting on my newfound fatherhood, I couldn't ever see myself transitioning. But even before the arrival of my child, my family and friends were an impediment to my transitioning. Not that they're bad, backward people, it just wouldn't sit well with their understanding of who I am. Right or wrong on their part, the process of unpacking my female identity in front of them is just way too daunting a thought. Maybe if I were in my late teens or 20s and think the way that I do now, transitioning would have been a no brainer. But when I was that age, I had neither the maturity nor self-awareness required to have arrived at such a decision. Now I've just resigned to the idea of "being male" for the rest of my days. I just have to find a way of not becoming bitter, twisted and/or depressed.

Wow Jenna,

It sounds like you are in the exact same situation that I am in.  My child is 4 years old, and he is probably the biggest reason that I cannot consider transition.  I believe (right or wrong) that my child deserves to have a father in his life, and that person needs to be me.  I think that it is important for his social and emotional development.  I'm fully aware that there are children who are successfully raised by same gender couples but that is not what I want for my child.  Since I am in my 40s now, my child will not be a fully developed adult until I'm in my late 50s, and I just cannot see myself transitioning in a way that would make me happy that late in life.

Nevertheless I try to push the androgynous envelope as much as I can and I have found that I can use my dysphoria as a method to inspire a healthier lifestyle.  In an effort to look more feminine, I find that my diet is more "female" oriented. That is, more vegetables, salads, lighter meats, and less beer, steak and chicken wings (all of which I love, but eat very little of anymore).  Additionally I use my desire to appear more feminine as a motivation to exercise (mostly cardio) and improve my flexibility (I can almost do full splits).  I listen to girly music when I exercise and I have developed a fully separate female on-line presence.  These are just some of the things I do to express my true self, while still presenting as a male to the outside world.

Hope that helps.
J.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hummmm  Hello Jenna,

You opened a can of worms on this one. And there there's been some interesting points raised along he way. However, may I mention, I'm on the other end of the time line to you.

Authenticity and honesty are not values we aspire to, they are core components to our identity. They form who we are.

Circumstances or external reasons should never form who we really are.

Essentially without these core components we are left with only one alternative. We have to lie, not only to ourselves, the most grievous of misgivings, but to all and sundry who enter our lives. Without them, dysfunctionality of character, integrity and virtue reigns supreme; infecting those that are near and dear to us. Children in particular are affected the most, as it is insidiously infused into their nature from the environment they live in. If I had a physical deformity it would slow those near to me, down; just as much as a mental/character deformity. I drag them with me.

I ought to know. For the past 30 years I not only lied to myself consistently and persistently, but the lies and deceit that rained on my family, colleagues and others I came in contact with was enough to destroy relationships, create enormous distrust and nearly shortened my life considerably in the early "retirement" option some of us take, inappropriately.

And yes. Health professionals do advise of the potential serious and tragic consequences of such actions. It's a very respected fact that over 40% of pre/non-op and 20% of post-op transgendered people commit suicide, as a direct result of unresolved issues.

Irrespective of how much we try to hide it, create walls to hide behind, masks to wear, facades to play out, be rest assured, some how, some where we'll be found out. Whether we are dead or alive, it just depends on how much collateral damage we want to be held responsible for.

Hindsight is a powerful rationale. It's a pity we can't accelerate time in order to draw on it's wisdom. In a way, if I had of been successful in any of my 3 attempts it would have at least mitigated the damage sustained to family and others. It would of been of no benefit to myself, as this option only provides a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

Certainly; family, children, come with an awesome responsibility. Work, healthcare, lifestyle are important matters as well. But; are we really being selfish by not attending to our own authenticity and honesty first, before we attempt to teach it to our family?

How can I teach you how to bake an apple pie, if I don't know how to make a pie case?  How can I teach you honesty, if I don't demonstrate it myself?

How many times have you seen the safety instructions on a plane where you're told to put on your oxygen mask first before you even attempt to help anyone else.

Have you, or any other respondents seen or experienced the devastation that is metered out on growing adults, all in their 20's when they find out the real truth about their father? "What other things have you lied to us about?" Their own sense of self trust, self worth is betrayed. Their whole moral upbringing has been based on lies and deceit. You can see it in them. "So what else is not true, Dad?"

Twenty five years ago, I made a fundamentally flawed decision. It was based on the ineptitude and lack of honesty and authenticity of my own father. "No!!! I wasn't going to leave my family, the way my father left us"

If, at that time, I had done the right thing and been honest enough to accept my Transgenderism and transitioned, my ex wife and one baby would have had far better chances of recovery and living a better life than the profound collateral damage sustained by all, that now includes my ex wife and four children.

Forgiveness from those damaged in this matter will be a long time coming, if at all, in my lifetime. Perhaps I may have stood a better chance of receiving forgiveness, if I'd done the right thing by myself first, 25 years ago.

Watching that damage play out, day after day, is not a pretty sight. I'm certainly not proud of it, it is one regret I'll take to my grave.

Twenty five years ago, I had the opportunity to avoid this. I chose not to. I now pay dearly, daily, for that choice.

What will you pay for your choice?

With love and respect
Catherine

[SciNerdGirl]

Hummmm  Hello Jenna,

You opened a can of worms on this one. And there there's been some interesting points raised along he way. However, may I mention, I'm on the other end of the time line to you.

Authenticity and honesty are not values we aspire to, they are core components to our identity. They form who we are.

Circumstances or external reasons should never form who we really are.

Essentially without these core components we are left with only one alternative. We have to lie, not only to ourselves, the most grievous of misgivings, but to all and sundry who enter our lives.

I'm sorry Catherine, but I must respectfully disagree with this.

While circumstances will never form "who" we are, they certainly should effect the choices we make.  We do not live in a vacuum, we live in a family and community, and to disregard the needs of the people in that community when making choices is almost the very definition of selfishness.  We don't have to always make the choices our community and family like, but we have to consider their needs.


One can choose to transition or not choose to transition.  There is no dishonesty in making a choice.  It seems that Jenna is fully aware of her own gender identity, and she is free to choose how she wants to deal with that.  If she chooses to keep her male body and keep her true gender identity to herself, there is nothing wrong with that.  The thing that makes us human is that we have the free will to choose our own life despite our biology.  Are those choices sometimes difficult? Absolutely!  Do our choices sometimes make us unhappy?  Without a doubt.    But they are our choices to make!

Someone who insists that a person must make their biological gender match their mental gender, is no better than a person who insists that a person make their mental gender match their biological gender.

Watching that damage play out, day after day, is not a pretty sight. I'm certainly not proud of it, it is one regret I'll take to my grave.

I'm sorry that things worked out this way for you (I truly am), and I certainly don't mean any disrespect.  However transitioning is a choice that you made, the fact that waiting so long caused you so much grief is heartbreaking, but it was still a choice.  I would love more than anything to be able to transition.  I dream about going on hormones, getting FFS and just being able to be pretty.  However it is something that I choose not to do.  I am not being dishonest.  In fact I feel I am being very honest with myself.   Does this choice make me happy?  No, it cuts me to the very core.   But it is one that I have honestly considered and I am willing to accept.  Will I change my mind in the future? Perhaps, but I will for darn sure consider how that choice affects my community and family.

[Tessa James]

The truth is we do not know how others will be impacted by our honesty and coming out.  We can assume much but really do not know the results.
There are gambles involved with any choice?

You roll the dice..........

[genderhell]

Is there anyone here like me who, while identifying and possibly having been "diagnosed" as transsexual, has decided not to transition in any way?

Sure, there are many of these people. I have worked jobs where I was once one of these people, and others at the job were also recognized as such. People surprise me how they can see through a person's "disguise".

However, the Gender Dysphoria Standards of Care does not seem to recognize "partial transition" to get rid of mental gender dysphoria, with the intend of staying/looking like your birth gender or looking androgynous. My first trip to a medical trans doctor (not psychologist) was to get rid of gender dysphoria, and I wanted hormones to do that. I did not know if it would work though. It was crippling to be gender dysphoric. He said, "I follow the SOC", so he would not help me. (Note: I don't blame him since I could of been crazy).

I was right though, over a long, long time I was able to end my gender dysphoria which to me is equivalent to saying my original personality became fully expressive.

Someone mentioned the loveable word of "sheeple". When you understand that there are gender identity disorder people walking around out there - people who have an identity that does not match their body, then your graduate to being non-sheeple. 

[JordanBlue]

Since I am in my 40's now, my child will not be a fully developed adult until I'm in my late 50's, and I just cannot see myself transitioning in a way that would make me happy that late in life.

I am that person in their late 50's and I know in my heart that it's too late for me, personally, to transition.  Too little, too late, too much I've already missed out on.  Life is all about choices.  Making the best choices for ourselves and those around us. Sure, I can "what if", but what's the point? 

[Gabrielle]

Jenna made me think about the proposition of "not to transition in any way."

The likelihood is that I will not get to ever realize my ideal physical form.  But is that going to stop transitioning on other levels?  I think not.

In fact, I am determined to do whatever I can to correct the mistakes Nature and Society made with me.

[hurin19067]

Ah, I have been denying myself for quite some time now. I'm a fiction writer who specializes in Fantasy & I was branching out into Scifi but had severe writer's block for some time. For me, identity is not what I look like, it's what I can do and what I can do is be a wordsmith and cobble stories together from my imagination.

Male or female, I am that. It matters not to me how I present to the world at large. If I ever do book tours, I hope I can do them wearing a dress or a frock or something girlie.  

[Tessa James]

With all due respect for the depth or our personal journeys and levels of comfort with change, change is inevitable and undeniable. 

Denying our core identity is a prescription for a life of inner turmoil.  The change may then become manifest in our private pain.

I did it for decades.  As quiet and unruffled a persona I could project my private truth was to know I was not at all the person I appeared to be.

We can get really good at our mental gymnastics but living free and liberated from denial is an awakening that keeps me smiling every new day.

[Jenna Stannis]

Thanks again for some thought-provoking responses. If reading this diverse array of transgender experiences has taught me anything, it's that there is no single transgender narrative that stems from common beginnings.

Yes, change may be as inevitable as the rising sun, but I believe that we can have a hand in some of those changes. As someone has already said, if I lived in a vacuum I would have transitioned much earlier and without much hesitation. However, I cannot help but factor into the equation the competing interests of both a personal and external nature.

It's simply just not the case that I have a choice of either being true to my transgender nature by following a path to some level of (publicly visible) transition or embrace and run with my male identity – this is a bleak, dichotomous outlook. In fact, many of the competing interests that stand in the way of my transitioning are things that I am interested and passionate about; they are not just impediments placed in my path by my pandering to the self-interest of others. For example, the kind of father figure that I'd like to be for my son is no more or less real than the woman I'd aspire to be through transition. Given this, I'm not sure how some people can argue that I should follow a path that would lead to what I believe is my true identity. Will I regret not transitioning in the way that I want? Probably, but in equal measure I'd likely regret not having been the father that I would have liked to have been for my son.

I get that some people have already gone through the experience that I have just outlined and I respect them and the decisions they have made. However, since I believe that there is no single transgender narrative, coupled with the fact that there is only one life narrative, I don't think anyone has a monopoly on the way that we should live.