A straight man’s thoughts…..Let’s try this again

[FrancisAnn]

Just FYI girl friends. Today at my electrolysis salon with a nice woman helping me with hair removal. A straight type man friend of hers let her know that he wanted to date or meet a MtF type woman if she met any at her business. That type woman if nice & attractive really excited him.

It seems lots of men everywhere have interest in us girls. Good for us.

[RavenMoon]

What is my opinion, though, is that things like gender dysphoria aren't at all comparable to a history of abuse.

I agree. It's not the same thing at all.

We here have probably gone through turmoil in our lives, I know I have, but it's different than that. It's hard to explain to a lot of people. It's also very internalized. Often other people don't know.

I'd say to Cal, that we are just people like everyone else, only we feel our assigned gender at birth was wrong and does not match our self identification. This causes a very high level of frustration. And eventually leads many of us to alter our bodies to better match who we feel we are. I think nothing would make me happier than when that day comes and I can look at myself in a mirror and see me. The me that I see behind this facade.

But as women, it doesn't make us all that different. Some of us might look different from cisgender women, and some of us don't. I think it's the desire for most of us to just blend in and pass without having the gender we were born as make any difference in who we are as people. Some trans women like to be stealth about it and never tell anyone. Some are outspoken.

People are attracted to different things in other people. I've always been attracted to women, and never men, but sometimes trans* women. I either like very small petite women, or some taller than me. Why? I have no idea. I can be very specific in what I like and don't like. I'm sure it all comes from things in my past, probably in early childhood. I like girls with ponytails and glasses. Why? I have no idea. lol

Now when I'm into (or finished with) my transition, I would like to have a relationship. And that would likely be with a woman, so I can't speak for the ladies here who like men. And I will be honest about who I am. Clearly you need to meet someone with an open mind. Would I want to meet someone who specifically likes trans women? I don't know. I think it might be kind of creepy. Like if I had a missing leg, and someone is into people with missing legs. No, no, no. I want someone to admire me for my looks, or my brains, or my music, but not ONLY because I'm trans.

[JLT1]

Where is Cal anyway???


Jen

[Valerie]

Where is Cal anyway???


Jen

He started another thread, Jen.  (One in which I managed to duly make an @$$ of myself.) 

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,154635.msg1290850.html#msg1290850

[RavenMoon]

A third thread? Why?

[JLT1]

A third thread? Why?

That is a good question.  I don't know....

Hugs,

Jen

[JillSter]

He started another thread, Jen.  (One in which I managed to duly make an @$$ of myself.) 

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,154635.msg1290850.html#msg1290850

Aww, I hope you don't mean my joke.

I was just trying to lighten the mood. I hope you didn't feel like I was picking on you.

I was just really stressed out by this whole thing and thought I'd try to make people smile if I could.

I'm sorry if I upset you. I certainly didn't mean to.

It was a pretty lame joke anyway!

[Valerie]

Aww, I hope you don't mean my joke.

I was just trying to lighten the mood. I hope you didn't feel like I was picking on you.

I was just really stressed out by this whole thing and thought I'd try to make people smile if I could.

I'm sorry if I upset you. I certainly didn't mean to.

It was a pretty lame joke anyway!

Nonono, I loved the joke--I laughed & it made me feel like LESS of a jerk.  I only didn't reply because it was perfect in itself & I didn't wanna' derail more than I already had.  No hurt feewins, I pwomise.   

[JillSter]

Nonono, I loved the joke--I laughed & it made me feel like LESS of a jerk.  I only didn't reply because it was perfect in itself & I didn't wanna' derail more than I already had.  No hurt feewins, I pwomise.   

Okay.

But I think you're being too hard on yourself. You weren't a jerk at all.

But yeah, I'm kinda derailing this thread. So...

[Bea]

Not sure if I can stay on topic or what the topic was; right, a straight man wanting to chat with trans women about his own feelings about sex and/or masturbation. Just to clarify, I have respect for everyone until they prove me wrong and I have trust for no-one until they prove it to me. That said....

Maybe I am the odd one here, but I cannot recall chatting, posting, or speaking about sex and/or masturbation with any trans woman on this site in the many years I have either visited here or have been a member... Frankly, I have not looked for that sort of thing from this forum, call me weird... On the other hand I don't mind having an adult conversation about sex with someone respectful and honest.

I see myself as a woman, and want to be treated no less, just as I imagine all of us do. It is true that some of us trans women are attracted to men, some are attracted to women, and some are bi-sexual.

When a straight man says he likes trans women it it like telling us we just won an all expense-paid vacation to Hawaii; too good to be true. The understanding I have is that most straight men are not secure enough with their own sexuality to date a trans woman; and are typically afraid of being labeled a homosexual. I pray that I am wrong, because I do like men.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to answer your questions... It is allot better that asking some other dude who probably doesn't know what he's talking about anyway.   :-)

[Shaina]

Well, unlike some people here, I disagree with discrimination.  Just like anyone else who comes here, I believe you are innocent until proven guilty.  I commend you for sticking around in shark infested waters.  Don't let anyone bully you into leaving.  Read up on the rules and follow them and if anyone makes you feel unwelcome, please just ignore them and report them to a moderator.  As far as I'm concerned, you are just as welcome here as I am.

I agree with everything Orange Creamsicle said and I think that the opinions of cis people are a welcome addition Susans. We can try to offer another perspective! 

As a woman attracted to trans men-which I also explained in my introduction-I think it's a matter of being sure that people feel respected when you explain your interests.

::HUGS::

[Adam (birkin)]

When a straight man says he likes trans women it it like telling us we just won an all expense-paid vacation to Hawaii; too good to be true. The understanding I have is that most straight men are not secure enough with their own sexuality to date a trans woman; and are typically afraid of being labeled a homosexual. I pray that I am wrong, because I do like men

I do believe a straight man can be attracted exclusively to women and like trans women. After all, I am one. That said, I do think some, particularly ->-bleeped-<-s who are obsessed with the girls penis, who lkke them JUST for being trans, have some unresolved sexuality issues.

[CaliforniaAdmirer]

A third thread? Why?

         Sorry, I wasn't sure how to navigate this site and respond to your responses. I was a little stressed and felt that I put myself in a vulnerable place. I know you are all trying to be protective of yourselves and each other. I admire your solidarity. I realize that the way I started the first post put a lot of you on the defensive. It wasn't my intention. My lack of knowledge about transgender women and my own confusion about my own sexuality didn't help.

[Cindy]

         Sorry, I wasn't sure how to navigate this site and respond to your responses. I was a little stressed and felt that I put myself in a vulnerable place. I know you are all trying to be protective of yourselves and each other. I admire your solidarity. I realize that the way I started the first post put a lot of you on the defensive. It wasn't my intention. My lack of knowledge about transgender women and my own confusion about my own sexuality didn't help.

That's OK. Everyone needs to understand what respect means.

[CaliforniaAdmirer]

I find this surprising. Are you young? I was mostly in regular relationships, as opposed to one night stands, and I think I've been with about 30 partners. But I'm middle aged now so... lol

Here's the short version; I had issues from the sexual abuse I suffered when I was eight years old and I had no Idea how to deal with them. I was threatened with personal harm if I talked to anyone about it, so it's not like I could just go and talk to someone about it.
    When I was a teenager I discovered my love for motorcycle racing and so I dedicated myself to it. That was my escape from the pain. I still had those sexual desires just like any normal teenager but, those feelings were tied to so much pain, confusion and fear, that I turned them inward. That is when I started to look at porn. I could take care of my sexual desires without exposing myself to being hurt. So, it is no surprise that I haven't had many partners.
    I am fifty one years old. The first time I had sex (not counting the abuse) was with my first real girlfriend when I was living in England. I was twenty-seven years old. We dated for about six months and had sex as much as was humanly possible. The second time was after I moved back to California I was about thirty and she was in her forties we dated four or five times and had sex once. The third time was with my ex wife and I was about thirty-two.  We were together for about ten years. We were both very sexual and our sex life was very robust. But, then she started to use sex as a way to control and manipulate me. Because of my fear of abandonment I couldn't leave and the last five years were pure hell and it ended when our son was six months old.
One night we were having an argument, she became frantic and was having a panic attack, I was trying to calm her down and I held the door because she had the baby in her arms and I didn't know what she was going to do. After she called the cops she calmed down so I let her out. The whole incident lasted about 90 seconds. The cops arrested me. The charges were false imprisonment because I held the door and wouldn't let her out. Two weeks later the DA dropped the case and the police changed the record from an arrest to a detainment.
    The last time I had sex was with my ex about a year and a half later when we were trying to get back together. That was about six years ago. With the exception of the second relationship, those relationships ended badly with a lot of pain and anger and frustration. There is a lot more to all of this in fact I am giving you the short, short version. People keep telling me I should write a book and maybe one day I will. I still have to answer a lot of questions first.

Peace

[Shaina]

     Here's the short version; I had issues from the sexual abuse I suffered when I was eight years old and I had no Idea how to deal with them. I was threatened with personal harm if I talked to anyone about it, so it's not like I could just go and talk to someone about it...I still had those sexual desires just like any normal teenager but, those feelings were tied to so much pain, confusion and fear, that I turned them inward...So, it is no surprise that I haven't had many partners.

CaliAdmirer,

I am so incredibly sorry that you suffered from abuse. That is something no one should ever have to go through, especially a child. While you felt unable to disclose this to anyone in your youth, I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share it here. You never know how many people here may have had similar experiences and you may have helped them by voicing their pain. I wish you the best in overcoming the events of your past.

::HUGS::

[CaliforniaAdmirer]

CaliAdmirer,
I am so incredibly sorry that you suffered from abuse. That is something no one should ever have to go through, especially a child. While you felt unable to disclose this to anyone in your youth, I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share it here.
::HUGS::

Shaina,
    Thank you for your support and understanding. I have posted more about my abuse here than on any other web sites. I do feel comfortable here and I'm not sure why. I think I feel a sort of kinship with the people here. I know many of you have suffered and although it's not the same there are some similarities.
    It's about identity; when I was abused my identity was taken from me and in its place I was given a new one. One that said I was worthless, evil and unlovable. That's who I believed I was for forty years. I am shedding that identity now with the hope of finding my true self. It's a long painful process and being able to talk about my experiences has been helpful.
    I came here because I found Trans women attractive and I wanted to understand why. It's not about the penis, although at first I thought it was. But, at this point whether you have penis or a vagina is irrelevant. It's not about sex and that is not why I'm here. It's about connecting and that's what I found here a connection.

[Shaina]

    It's about identity; when I was abused my identity was taken from me and in its place I was given a new one...I am shedding that identity now with the hope of finding my true self. It's a long painful process and being able to talk about my experiences has been helpful...It's about connecting and that's what I found here a connection.

Not a problem CaliAdmirer 
I think that those sentiments reflect those of a lot of people here and I'm so glad you're finding the connections you were looking for. Over time, hopefully you'll find that new identity you mentioned. Best of luck!
::HUGS::

[RavenMoon]

When a straight man says he likes trans women it it like telling us we just won an all expense-paid vacation to Hawaii;

Unless he likes you only because you are trans. Then you are fetish.

The understanding I have is that most straight men are not secure enough with their own sexuality to date a trans woman; and are typically afraid of being labeled a homosexual. I pray that I am wrong, because I do like men.

I believe that is the root of all trans phobia.

But like with anything, I'm sure you can find men without these issues.

[Michael-mpc12]

CaliforniaAdmirer,
I'm completely in awe of everything you have said in your posts. I can't even express how much I relate to you. I have gone through a significant amount of pain in my life and I have always been haunted with a sense of loneliness. I just wanted to let you know that I am incredibly happy that I was able to see that there was someone else out there in the world who thought like me.
If you are familiar with Meyers Briggs personality test I am an INFP and I'd bet $100 you are too lol.
I have been curious about my attraction to "feminine" transgender women (don't want to rock the boat, there seems to be a lot of sensitive masculine MTF transgenders on here). So yeah that's basically all I wanted to say. I'm a little drunk right now so sorry if this message is confusing lol.