I'm not depressed or planning anything dreadful. This is only a diatribe of what happens when love is gone and it's replaced by a numb cold friendship.
Even as the 35 year marriage to my wife crumbles I find she still makes feeble attempts to support me. Our lives have changed in terrible ways, and we've long since lost what little tenderness was left in this union. I remember holding JoAnn close to enjoy a sunset, or watch our children play. But that's gone, and we both know it's never coming back. I was in Michigan on our 35th anniversary, and I sent a heartfelt letter to JoAnn to express the lifelong love I've had for her. She never mentioned receiving the letter, and I had to call to even get a comment about the day.
So now I guess I'm spending my last month living in the home we've owned for nearly 30 years. I don't expect to live here in June when I come back from Michigan, and I honestly don't want to. Yet I know I'll still have to work on the yard, and finish some things in the house to make it more desirable when it's put up for sale. I can't talk to JoAnn about the work that needs to be done, or the plans I need to make because she gets very upset. But I have to push. So today I'll ask if I should plan to live in our old cabin next June, or if she wants me closer to home. We know we're going to separate, so why can't we talk about it?
And something else is wrong. The longer I stay here the worse I feel, and my transition isn't moving forward. Yes, I've made progress by changing my name and adding a few things to my life, but the inner woman has stopped growing. Everything I do is criticized, and nothing I say is right. Since my name change she's said she "can't afford me anymore", and that I caused her stress to double. So it really is time to go. Of course there is one way to give her everything she wants and needs, but I'm not going to kill myself for her. I have a new and wonderful life, and I know JoAnn can have the same if she just lets it happen. I don't mind selling everything we have in order to separate or divorce. It's far better to do that than suffer in this painful slow collapse into oblivion.
I'm trying to be realistic about our lives. I think JoAnn should have all the things she wants, and she should be free from the stress I've caused her. We just need to accept our losses, and move on.
I was gong to get a Christmas tree yesterday, but JoAnn doesn't want it. We have no decorations, gifts, or cards this year. It's very strange and scary for both of us. Since I'm at fault for everything that's wrong in this house, I guess I killed Christmas too?
K
