how early in life did you know that something was wrong or different

[stephaniec]

I've racked my brain there is nothing that stands out. I was all ways respectful and admired women more than guys I knew. I was raised by a single mother and assumed that was why. I'm attracted to woman, still am. I'm frnds with two transgender women and it never occurred to me I wanted that life. I emailed one about having lunch after new year and she is going to help me find a therapist with gender dys. training. She didn't seem at all surprised, but it was email. I will discuss it with her. It just seems odd to me that I would have that much of a reaction to something without it ever occurring to me. Maybe I'm just repressed or something , honestly I'm super confused. I sketch and paint sometimes. I read and 9 step advice thing. A suggestion was to draw yourself older as a woman or a man, whatever felt right. I've never done a self portrait before. I've done like 10 of myself as a woman. Then I looked at them and they are all very similar to pinup sketches I'd done. It looks like they are of the same woman. It's like I've had this image in my head, but didn't realize it was me? I appreciate the reply stephaniec. It feels good to chat about it. I've been counting the days til Jan.1.

Your friend probably will be able to open the doors on your memory .It's quite possibly repressed

[Dingbat]

Ever since I was four. My past two years have been ones of relentless Dysphoria and crying myself to sleep, and have finally started getting better since coming out.

[stephaniec]

Ever since I was four. My past two years have been ones of relentless Dysphoria and crying myself to sleep, and have finally started getting better since coming out.

It definitely helps to talk about it. It took me a long time to open up to a therapist .I do feel so much better

[laure_natasha]

Since I was a toddler. I used to play the female role in all games with my sister (major tomboy). I soon figured out my parents shouldn't find out so kept it hidden well. When I could I'd do the same at school. We'd play A team and I'd be Amy ( was that he r name).

Also done the praying to be miraculously changed overnight from then till now.

[Miranda Catherine]

Me at 59,                                                                       My mom at 42.

I've read many stories now and almost all of them I'm thinking 'yeah, that's me,' or 'God, I thought it was just me, but I wasn't alone!' Then I feel sorry for all of you that you had to go through what nobody should ever have to. My earliest memory in life has never changed, or been altered by time, imagination or my mom or brother, both very supportive. My brother passed away in July, but even though he's gone he knew who I was and accepted me, because he saw me into my mom's things constantly at 2-4 and always knew that something wasn't right about me. One story my mom told me that can still bring tears to my eyes is that when I was twelve I came into the living room where my mom was watching t.v. on the couch. I came in and sat on her lap (something I never did since I was a little girl/boy). I looked into her eyes and told her that I couldn't live as a boy anymore, that I had to live as a girl and if I couldn't I didn't want to live. Obviously, I wasn't able to live as a girl, and there were immediate repercussions, in that my mom began treating me much differently. Savage, demanding, cynical, sarcastic, etc., which I've come to believe wasn't out of hatred, but misguided hopes of toughening up her little girl/boy. When I told both my mom and dad at the same time at 16, I was sent to a psychiatrist, who had my chromosomes and hormones checked. I was a boy, but my estrogen was way too high and my testosterone, far too low. Unfortunately, nothing changed though, in how she treated me. She's told me many things and says now that I was definitely meant to be her daughter and that, happily, I finally am. Hugs, Mira
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

[LJP]

Me at 59,                                                                       My mom at 42.

I've read many stories now and almost all of them I'm thinking 'yeah, that's me,' or 'God, I thought it was just me, but I wasn't alone!' Then I feel sorry for all of you that you had to go through what nobody should ever have to. My earliest memory in life has never changed, or been altered by time, imagination or my mom or brother, both very supportive. My brother passed away in July, but even though he's gone he knew who I was and accepted me, because he saw me into my mom's things constantly at 2-4 and always knew that something wasn't right about me. One story my mom told me that can still bring tears to my eyes is that when I was twelve I came into the living room where my mom was watching t.v. on the couch. I came in and sat on her lap (something I never did since I was a little girl/boy). I looked into her eyes and told her that I couldn't live as a boy anymore, that I had to live as a girl and if I couldn't I didn't want to live. Obviously, I wasn't able to live as a girl, and there were immediate repercussions, in that my mom began treating me much differently. Savage, demanding, cynical, sarcastic, etc., which I've come to believe wasn't out of hatred, but misguided hopes of toughening up her little girl/boy. When I told both my mom and dad at the same time at 16, I was sent to a psychiatrist, who had my chromosomes and hormones checked. I was a boy, but my estrogen was way too high and my estrogen, far too low. Unfortunately, nothing changed though, in how she treated me. She's told me many things and says now that I was definitely meant to be her daughter and that, happily, I finally am. Hugs, Mira
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

That is comforting to hear Miranda. I only have to come out to one person, my mom. She is as sweet as can be. But for some reason I have a bad feeling. I don't want to lose her. she is the only family I have left. It would be devastating for me and for her.

[Miranda Catherine]

That is comforting to hear Miranda. I only have to come out to one person, my mom. She is as sweet as can be. But for some reason I have a bad feeling. I don't want to lose her. she is the only family I have left. It would be devastating for me and for her.

Hi LJP,
   You're going to have to face family and friends someday, and if you're unsure of how your mom's going to treat you, it might work out fantastic. My advice is, take the chance. She's not losing the son she never had, she's gaining the daughter she didn't recognize! Merry Christmas!!!  Hugs, Mira

                        M E R R Y  C H R I S T M A S  E V E R Y B O D Y ! ! ! ! !   M E R R Y  C H R I S T M A S  E V E R Y B O D Y ! ! ! ! !   M E R R Y  C H R I S T M A S  E V E R Y B O D Y ! ! ! ! !   
                                       
                                                                 ( a n d  r e m e m b e r  w h a t  T i n y T i m  s a i d :  " G O D  B L E S S  U S  E V E R Y O N E ! ! ! ! ! )

[iconoclast]

My earliest memory of gender issues was about age 3.

[LJP]

Thx and Merry Christmas to you too miss Miranda. Also you and your mother are very pretty. I love the pic of you both.

[Jean24]

In kindergarten I told a classmate that I was tired of being a boy and wanted to be a girl. Back then it was just the occasional thoughts and such. The dysphoria didn't get bad till I was about 13.

[stephaniec]

Me at 59,                                                                       My mom at 42.

I've read many stories now and almost all of them I'm thinking 'yeah, that's me,' or 'God, I thought it was just me, but I wasn't alone!' Then I feel sorry for all of you that you had to go through what nobody should ever have to. My earliest memory in life has never changed, or been altered by time, imagination or my mom or brother, both very supportive. My brother passed away in July, but even though he's gone he knew who I was and accepted me, because he saw me into my mom's things constantly at 2-4 and always knew that something wasn't right about me. One story my mom told me that can still bring tears to my eyes is that when I was twelve I came into the living room where my mom was watching t.v. on the couch. I came in and sat on her lap (something I never did since I was a little girl/boy). I looked into her eyes and told her that I couldn't live as a boy anymore, that I had to live as a girl and if I couldn't I didn't want to live. Obviously, I wasn't able to live as a girl, and there were immediate repercussions, in that my mom began treating me much differently. Savage, demanding, cynical, sarcastic, etc., which I've come to believe wasn't out of hatred, but misguided hopes of toughening up her little girl/boy. When I told both my mom and dad at the same time at 16, I was sent to a psychiatrist, who had my chromosomes and hormones checked. I was a boy, but my estrogen was way too high and my testosterone, far too low. Unfortunately, nothing changed though, in how she treated me. She's told me many things and says now that I was definitely meant to be her daughter and that, happily, I finally am. Hugs, Mira
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

I never was brave enough to tell my parents I wanted to be a girl, but I'm sure they knew because I was so extremely introverted and always would sleep in my sisters bouncy slip. My parent's approach to dissuading me from wearing my sisters clothes wen I was 5 was more like aversion therapy. They moved me out of the bedroom I shared with my 2 sisters and put me in the room they slept in. One day they tried to send me to school with girls boots on that they had use magic marker on to make them look male. I  cried and refused because I was so embarrassed . I think they thought they could scare me away from my proper clothes . It didn't work. They meant well, I don't know if they were being advised professionally or not. They just had an extremely introverted kid who dressed in girls clothes on their hands and weren't quite sure what to do.

[Allyda]

With me I was 4 years old. My biological Mom was still alive and we were living on the Res. (Reservation). I was always skinnier and smaller featured than other boys of my age and as a result I used to stay close to my Mom most of the time especially when other boys were around. Though my real father left my Mom after getting her pregnant with me. I did have one Uncle who believed in a 'macho' lifestyle and that little boys should be 'toughened up,' as he used to put it. Back then this was the 1960's. To him he was joking when he would grab at little boys privates. I was scared to death of him as I even at that young age knew it was inappropriate behaviour. My Mom did too cuz she told him not to do this or some of his other 'toughen' them up antics with me. However one day while she was washing the dishes and I was playing on the floor. When she wasn't looking he grabbed at me between the legs and I screamed bloody murder as loudly as I could and started crying. I felt violated in a way I don't believe even my Mom knew. I remember crying for hours in bed afterwards. None of the other boys he did this to reacted like I did. To them it was funny and they giggled. Needless to say this "funny Uncle" as he was later referred to was never allowed into our home again, or around me again. From that day forward I knew I was different and over the next two years those differences started to make sense. I never wanted to play with other little boys. I only wanted to play with litle girls my age. I can safely say that at 6 years of age I knew I was supposed to be a girl, not a boy. Unfortunately in September of that year my Mom was killed in a car accident on the Res., and since I had no other family I was taken in by a neighbor while I was put up for adoption. Though I acted more like a little girl I was at 7 years old sat down in a room with the tribe's elders and given a stern warning: "If you ever want to be adopted into a new home you'll have to start acting more like a boy" in our Native tongue. Though it was hard and I knew it was wrong I did my best to be more boy-ish, and long story short 6 months later I was adopted to a single white lady from Washington DC. In the 7 months before she married a man of Sicillian Italian descent things were OK between my adopted Mom and me, and I could be myself. After she got married though began the absolute worse years of my live which, is a story for another thread. I jusrt wanted to describe my "Awakening" as I call it to y'all. I have to stop here for I'm now in tears remembering all this.

[Emo]

i dont think i felt something was wrong.
i just never cared.
i would play with boys and girls alike at an early age so i feel more genderless than anything else.

but at 3, i remember playing house and wearing a dress at a daycare.
i didnt think twice about it.
until my mom came in then i dropped the dress letting it fall around my feet like id done something wrong.
she didnt show it but i knew she didnt approve.
i dont know what happened before that to make me feel that way.

later around 8- 13ish, i was crossdessing more and wishing on stars and praying o my god that i could be a girl.
i would wear my moms clothes. undies, night gown, dresses.
i fit into an old tutu of hers from when she was my age.
all this in hoping that wearing the clothes would somehow make me a girl.
then i got caught ad i had the talk and got in trouble. being called a theif.
sinse then, i put a lid on my desires.

more recently, i found internet forums where i could be myself and i was.
i was about 16 and all was great until this jerk found out i was born a guy and proceeded to mock me, harrass me, and tell me to kill myself.
now, i find refuge in other forums where everyone is excepted and everyone is family.
but what bugs me is that im not who i feel like i should be.

as i look this stuf up more and more, i want it more and more.
i have a hatred for myself that i cant seem to shake...

sorry im getting a bit deep here. :p

[stephaniec]

i dont think i felt something was wrong.
i just never cared.
i would play with boys and girls alike at an early age so i feel more genderless than anything else.

but at 3, i remember playing house and wearing a dress at a daycare.
i didnt think twice about it.
until my mom came in then i dropped the dress letting it fall around my feet like id done something wrong.
she didnt show it but i knew she didnt approve.
i dont know what happened before that to make me feel that way.

later around 8- 13ish, i was crossdessing more and wishing on stars and praying o my god that i could be a girl.
i would wear my moms clothes. undies, night gown, dresses.
i fit into an old tutu of hers from when she was my age.
then i got caught ad i had the talk and got in trouble. being called a theif.
sinse then, i put a lid on my desires.

more recently, i found internet forums where i could be myself and i was.
i was about 16 and all was great until this jerk found out i was born a guy and proceeded to mock me, harrass me, and tell me to kill myself.
now, i find refuge in other forums where everyone is excepted and everyone is family.
but what bugs me is that im not who i feel like i should be.

as i look this stuf up more and more, i want it more and more.
i have a hatred for myself that i cant seem to shake...

sorry im getting a bit deep here. :p

have you every thought about talking to a therapist with training in transgender issue. It could help I have a wonderful therapist that made me aware of being transgender.

[MiaOhMya!]

Emo, you sound just like me.

I used to hate myself and my life. I hid from my trans nature, and I let my life become nearly ruined. Your short excerpt sounds so much like me, and sooo many other trans folks.

My biggest regret in it all is not coming out earlier, because the lie just got harder and harder to bear. I let it bring me down, and people assumed I was just an unreliable bad apple because no one knew the truth. Also the longer I waited the more there was to regret. I really, more than anyone else, am responsible for holding myself back.

Don't let it get to that. Be yourself! I agree that seeing a therapist is great advice...sooner the better.

[stephaniec]

With me I was 4 years old. My biological Mom was still alive and we were living on the Res. (Reservation). I was always skinnier and smaller featured than other boys of my age and as a result I used to stay close to my Mom most of the time especially when other boys were around. Though my real father left my Mom after getting her pregnant with me. I did have one Uncle who believed in a 'macho' lifestyle and that little boys should be 'toughened up,' as he used to put it. Back then this was the 1960's. To him he was joking when he would grab at little boys privates. I was scared to death of him as I even at that young age knew it was inappropriate behaviour. My Mom did too cuz she told him not to do this or some of his other 'toughen' them up antics with me. However one day while she was washing the dishes and I was playing on the floor. When she wasn't looking he grabbed at me between the legs and I screamed bloody murder as loudly as I could and started crying. I felt violated in a way I don't believe even my Mom knew. I remember crying for hours in bed afterwards. None of the other boys he did this to reacted like I did. To them it was funny and they giggled. Needless to say this "funny Uncle" as he was later referred to was never allowed into our home again, or around me again. From that day forward I knew I was different and over the next two years those differences started to make sense. I never wanted to play with other little boys. I only wanted to play with litle girls my age. I can safely say that at 6 years of age I knew I was supposed to be a girl, not a boy. Unfortunately in September of that year my Mom was killed in a car accident on the Res., and since I had no other family I was taken in by a neighbor while I was put up for adoption. Though I acted more like a little girl I was at 7 years old sat down in a room with the tribe's elders and given a stern warning: "If you ever want to be adopted into a new home you'll have to start acting more like a boy" in our Native tongue. Though it was hard and I knew it was wrong I did my best to be more boy-ish, and long story short 6 months later I was adopted to a single white lady from Washington DC. In the 7 months before she married a man of Sicillian Italian descent things were OK between my adopted Mom and me, and I could be myself. After she got married though began the absolute worse years of my live which, is a story for another thread. I jusrt wanted to describe my "Awakening" as I call it to y'all. I have to stop here for I'm now in tears remembering all this.

I am so sorry you went through that abuse nobody should have to be abused in any way. This is a very helpful site and you can get a lot of information.

[Tessa James]

My earliest childhood memories are filled with images of my huge insular family.  My big sister decided i was the most likely transitioner even then and named me Tessa.  My older brother insisted i would become a girl if i kept that up.  I identified very strongly with my mom and imagined I would grow up to be a mom and have babies to nurture too.  Like many i learned early how unacceptable, strange and unwelcome these ideas are.  School was awful and I frequently came home crying, feeling rejected, confused and unable to describe what was wrong.  I changed a lot of diapers and knew the anatomical differences were too real.  Repression, denial and magical thinking are interesting adaptations if a heavy weight to later unburden.

As others have eloquently described I wanted to play with the girls who seemed to treat each other much better and have more of the fun I wanted to share.  I liked the tomboys best but was usually persuaded to "knock  that off."  Puberty was another seeming nail in my coffin as my sister got breasts and I got stupid bonners and zits.   From then on it was a cynical attempt to live up to others expectations and make the best of what seemed impossible to change.

Today we can be so very grateful for and contribute to the much improved access to resources about gender identity and orientation.  Knowing the truth about the persistent presence of transgender people thru history and cultures can strengthen our awareness and celebration of diversity.  It seems a far better world for the trans kids of today.  Our rural trans support group includes teens and young adults who have a brighter future to consider IMO.  Here's a toast to progress....raising my coffee cup.

[stephaniec]

My earliest childhood memories are filled with images of my huge insular family.  My big sister decided i was the most likely transitioner even then and named me Tessa.  My older brother insisted i would become a girl if i kept that up.  I identified very strongly with my mom and imagined I would grow up to be a mom and have babies to nurture too.  Like many i learned early how unacceptable, strange and unwelcome these ideas are.  School was awful and I frequently came home crying, feeling rejected, confused and unable to describe what was wrong.  I changed a lot of diapers and knew the anatomical differences were too real.  Repression, denial and magical thinking are interesting adaptations if a heavy weight to later unburden.

As others have eloquently described I wanted to play with the girls who seemed to treat each other much better and have more of the fun I wanted to share.  I liked the tomboys best but was usually persuaded to "knock  that off."  Puberty was another seeming nail in my coffin as my sister got breasts and I got stupid bonners and zits.   From then on it was a cynical attempt to live up to others expectations and make the best of what seemed impossible to change.

Today we can be so very grateful for and contribute to the much improved access to resources about gender identity and orientation.  Knowing the truth about the persistent presence of transgender people thru history and cultures can strengthen our awareness and celebration of diversity.  It seems a far better world for the trans kids of today.  Our rural trans support group includes teens and young adults who have a brighter future to consider IMO.  Here's a toast to progress....raising my coffee cup.

you always seem so hopeful

[kellizgirl]

I was 6 when I noticed I was not a boy. I remember watching 'Space 1999" and there was a shape-shifter on the show and I was very jealous of her. I wanted those abilities so I could just become the woman I knew I was and everybody would just have to deal with it. I even started putting on my mom's clothes and she caught me once and yelled at me and made me go down stairs and get a shower and tell my dad. It has taken my 35 yrs to get the courage to be me again.

[Jenna Stannis]

I started cross-dressing at 7, which I must have instinctively known as "different" because I kept it well hidden. Interestingly, I didn't consciously become aware of the nature of my difference until adulthood. How strange.