how early in life did you know that something was wrong or different

[MadeleineG]

I started writing a longer reply to this question and it ballooned into an epic, so I decided to post it separately.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,156602.new.html#new

[anjaq]

I am getting my vagina installed next month.

LOL - I once told some people that my parents did something wrong. They managed to do a conceiled installation of the genitals with my sister but they failed to do so on me, so I will need a doctor do that for me and put the parts where they belong.

[stephaniec]

Ive always been very sensitive and feminine! but i didnt realise that i was a transexual until i was about 20 years oold.

I always felt so ugly as a boy, and would dream of being a girl, and was so jealous of other girls. When i was younger i used to dream of a machine that would turn me into a girl!!!
I always have cross dressed, but i though of it as something i could never tell anyone, and just thought i was a transvestite or something.

Uni was when i started to fully come to terms with being a transexual, i never fitted in with the boys on my course and lived in a house of girls. I knew i wasn't gay, but didn't want to "be with" girls. i just wanted to be one of the girls, I was so confused.

I think coming to terms with who i am, and coming out to myself took a lot of time, as i was always aware of other people, and really tried so hard to fit in and feel good about myself.

Since coming out to myself however, things have moved very quickly, i now live as a woman outside of work, have come out to a number of friends, and am looking to start on hormones sometime next year.

So pretty much, i've known that i was different from a very young age, but didn't actually come to terms with being a transexual until i was about 20!!

xx

I felt so phony as a guy . I was never sure why I didn't like presenting male ,but I know I never liked it. I also dressed a lot because I had 2 sisters . I tried to keep it a secret but from things occasionally said in family situations I guess I wasn't all that stealth.

[victoria n]

 15 when I got slammed in the face with it. It was devastating  :. I did not know what was wrong with me.
back then there was no internet, I had to figure it out on my own.
I don't know anyone who  says , when I grow up I want to be a transgender.

[stephaniec]

15 when I got slammed in the face with it. It was devastating  :. I did not know what was wrong with me.
back then there was no internet, I had to figure it out on my own.
I don't know anyone who  says , when I grow up I want to be a transgender.

I know some things have changed with the view of being transgender, it's got a little better but not much. I know growing up I was always aware of what I was, but also afraid of it because I knew it wasn't the thing you'd acknowledged to want to grow up to be. I was infatuated with Christein Jorgensten's story , but I was also ashamed.

[calico]

I remember at the age of 6 looking at pictures of little girls, and wondering what it was like to be that little girl or what it was like to wear a pretty dress.

At the age of 14, I starting wearing my mothers pantyhose in secret when no one was around. I remember getting home from school, I had the house to myself for about am hour. I would put on pantyhose and pounce again the house. Got caught once and was given a lecture by my mother that boys don't wear pantyhose. That stopped me for a while. I tried to be a normal boy and did boy things. I was "normal" on the outside, but inside I wanted to wear pantyhose again. at 16 I did wear them again, this time a pair of white cotton panties was added to the mix. This time I bought my own pantyhose and later the panties. I wanted to wear more, but was afraid I would get caught and laughed at.

At the age of 19 I expanded my wear to include an old cheer leader skirt and got caught again, but this time by my future best friend, who was a girl. She did not judge me and she accepted me. We chatted about it and she did not mind me wearing my outfit and  when we studied together. She use to work in a second hand clothing store, and about two months later she got me my first dress. I was a blue winter dress. 2 days later with her help I dressed fully for the first time. That day I shaved my legs for the first time, wore a bra and high heels for the first time. I also wore nail polish and makeup for the first time too that day. The rest was history... With her support I started seeing a therapist, which lead to HRT at 21.. now 3 years later.. I am getting my vagina installed next month. She has already told me, she will be there when I wake up from operation.  I am now gonna be that girl I imagined at the age of 6.

I owe everything to my best friend, who now is also my roommate. She showed me how to be a woman.  She says to me at times when I do something really girly e.g. when I wanna go shoe shopping or see a nice dress.. wow noleen you are such a girl. I feel so warm inside when she says it.

Noleen, congrats and to have a friend like that !! She is such a beautiful person to have helped in which way she did your story brought tears to my eyes its so very rare to have a friend like this and gain the bond you 2 have.. soo wonderful

[generous4]

For me it was always about my body.  My first conscious thought about my body as female was in first grade, in swim lessons at the YMCA.  Even at that young age I was thinking about my breasts.

I did not think about clothes, toys etc., but my parents must have been doing so.  I remember my mother having me wear some of her clothes in plays and at Hallowe'en, in the fourth, fifth, sixth grades.  And about that time I had to wear girl's white figure skates at the ice skating rink.  I begged my parents to get me black ones, but they said I was to wear the white ones.

My breasts came in when I was 11, in sixth grade.  I really loved my body, my breasts, then, and my female classmates thought I should be wearing a bra.  Not that I really needed to wear one, but that is when it became clear what my body was up to.  After that my consciousness of feeling female-bodied developed slowly but steadily, and with it, occasional exploration of female clothes.  In young adulthood, eventually, typical gender dysphoria conflicts came in, too.

Also 3 or 4 YO...
I remember seeing my twin sister's growing breast, and all I had was a flat chest...I cried so hard....

I experienced a similar feelings, Peky, in high school, but for me it was not about my breasts.  Maybe you could say it was about my hips: the realization that I could never become pregnant, carry a child.  I cried about that, several times. 

And many years later, I came to realize that some of my very first body-oriented memories preceded first grade.  They were about looking up at some innocuous artwork in our home that made me want to be pregnant like my mother was, so that must've been 3 or 4 years old when she was carrying my little sister.  I must have been mimicking my mother somehow, like little girls do when they see their mothers pregnant.  I guess that is why my mother allowed me to wear her clothes, years later.

And I definitely have her body type: broad hips, large breasts, supposedly pretty <--according to my sister.

Things are going better now, of course, but those early days were tough because mysterious, hard to understand.

Thanks for starting this thread.  It is good.

[stephaniec]

For me it was always about my body.  My first conscious thought about my body as female was in first grade, in swim lessons at the YMCA.  Even at that young age I was thinking about my breasts.

I did not think about clothes, toys etc., but my parents must have been doing so.  I remember my mother having me wear some of her clothes in plays and at Hallowe'en, in the fourth, fifth, sixth grades.  And about that time I had to wear girl's white figure skates at the ice skating rink.  I begged my parents to get me black ones, but they said I was to wear the white ones.

My breasts came in when I was 11, in sixth grade.  I really loved my body, my breasts, then, and my female classmates thought I should be wearing a bra.  Not that I really needed to wear one, but that is when it became clear what my body was up to.  After that my consciousness of feeling female-bodied developed slowly but steadily, and with it, occasional exploration of female clothes.  In young adulthood, eventually, typical gender dysphoria conflicts came in, too.


I experienced a similar feelings, Peky, in high school, but for me it was not about my breasts.  Maybe you could say it was about my hips: the realization that I could never become pregnant, carry a child.  I cried about that, several times. 

And many years later, I came to realize that some of my very first body-oriented memories preceded first grade.  They were about looking up at some innocuous artwork in our home that made me want to be pregnant like my mother was, so that must've been 3 or 4 years old when she was carrying my little sister.  I must have been mimicking my mother somehow, like little girls do when they see their mothers pregnant.  I guess that is why my mother allowed me to wear her clothes, years later.

And I definitely have her body type: broad hips, large breasts, supposedly pretty <--according to my sister.

Things are going better now, of course, but those early days were tough because mysterious, hard to understand.

Thanks for starting this thread.  It is good.

my parents did that same thing to me with boots I was around 4 when I got into my sisters clothes

[FinallyMe84]

It wasn't until around puberty for me, until then I was always quite feminine but didn't feel the dysphoria yet. Around 12 or 13 I was reading the "what's happening to my body book for boys" all the time and realizing everything was completely wrong. I also began to see (now that I look back, this was true when I was much younger as well) that I had very little in common, personality wise, with my male friends. It wasn't until he that I truly came to terms with who I was and much later(now) that I could come out and do something about it

[stephaniec]

It wasn't until around puberty for me, until then I was always quite feminine but didn't feel the dysphoria yet. Around 12 or 13 I was reading the "what's happening to my body book for boys" all the time and realizing everything was completely wrong. I also began to see (now that I look back, this was true when I was much younger as well) that I had very little in common, personality wise, with my male friends. It wasn't until he that I truly came to terms with who I was and much later(now) that I could come out and do something about it

My personality was totally non male in grade school . never talked ,cried a lot and  didn't want to be part of the boys groups. High school I developed a very false male and went out of my way to show I was male. This made me quite depressed because I wasn't this person.

[anjaq]

My personality was totally non male in grade school . never talked ,cried a lot and  didn't want to be part of the boys groups

I was like that in kindergarten and a bit in elementary school. My parents sent me to a psychotherapist for that then as I was not behaving like they expected from a boy my age. Great. Afterwards I retreated and became a loner mostly - plus I also had that development of a fake personality more and more...

[stephaniec]

I was like that in kindergarten and a bit in elementary school. My parents sent me to a psychotherapist for that then as I was not behaving like they expected from a boy my age. Great. Afterwards I retreated and became a loner mostly - plus I also had that development of a fake personality more and more...

I don't Know if it would of helped me because I wouldn't talk to any body so it might of turned out to be futile for me to see a psychiatrist some times I wish they had sent me to one ,but then again I doubt they would of been able to get me to talk.

[anjaq]

Yes, same here - I did not really talk to the therapist back then. So it was kind of useless actually
But it made me feel like I had done something seriously wrong, so I guess it fostered my development of a fake boyish personality :\

[stephaniec]

Yes, same here - I did not really talk to the therapist back then. So it was kind of useless actually
But it made me feel like I had done something seriously wrong, so I guess it fostered my development of a fake boyish personality :\

yea , it was truly a fake guy. In high school it got bad my out side was trying to be a party guy to try to cover up my inside turmoil . I remember one class we had in psychology were we drew a diagram representing our selves. I drew a circle with Mr. party on the outside and my true self hiding in the center. It was an all boys school so I didn't go totally true self

[anjaq]

Ok, I was not that well in faking it. I just retreated mostly, was a loner, had a protector at school, a big guy who was my friend and no one would dare hit me - but I never dated and partied only moderately. The worst idea was once when I tried to pretend to get male and decided I will not choose civil service as the option at conscription time but actually let them draft me. I thought I would be taught how to finally get this guy thing. Luckily I was at university then and they did not get me and when I was out of that and actually at the stage of transitioning, they tried again but all they got from me was the letter which confirmed my name change. That did it for them. It was a stupid idea anyways. That male simulation was badly written and full of bugs and it crashed in 1997, way before y2k, though y2k was the date some of the major hardware issues around it was fixed with my SRS LOL - I just read too muc of our IRC chat where it was all tech talk for the last minutes

[stephaniec]

Ok, I was not that well in faking it. I just retreated mostly, was a loner, had a protector at school, a big guy who was my friend and no one would dare hit me - but I never dated and partied only moderately. The worst idea was once when I tried to pretend to get male and decided I will not choose civil service as the option at conscription time but actually let them draft me. I thought I would be taught how to finally get this guy thing. Luckily I was at university then and they did not get me and when I was out of that and actually at the stage of transitioning, they tried again but all they got from me was the letter which confirmed my name change. That did it for them. It was a stupid idea anyways. That male simulation was badly written and full of bugs and it crashed in 1997, way before y2k, though y2k was the date some of the major hardware issues around it was fixed with my SRS LOL - I just read too muc of our IRC chat where it was all tech talk for the last minutes

I got stuck doing the army thing it nearly completely broke apart because of the guy thing

[LordKAT]

Your being sent to a psychologist reminds me of being sent to classes to learn to walk and talk like a girl. It didn't really take either.

[MiaOhMya!]

I got stuck doing the army thing it nearly completely broke apart because of the guy thing

You know ever since I could remember I wanted to fly planes. I got accepted as a aviation officer candidate in the Navy, and went in to OCS. I knew I would eventually fall apart in the service, though, because of how I was obligated to hide myself. I quit. I was much too afraid to do the "military career" thing so many other trans people had warned about. Once I was commissioned I was obligated to serve 8 years active duty, which as a guy would have been unbearable.

Now that I'm trans they won't even take me back. They're really missing out on a great pilot too. That was 5 years ago and it still kills me. Thanks for your post though, I try to remind myself of all the TG people who went through with it and regretted it too.

[MadeleineG]

Now that I'm trans they won't even take me back. They're really missing out on a great pilot too.

Such stupidity. What does gender presentation have to do with spatial reasoning, reflexes, and tactical intuition? 

[MiaOhMya!]

Such stupidity. What does gender presentation have to do with spatial reasoning, reflexes, and tactical intuition? 

Hrmm...I think your avatar pretty much explains what it has to do with it. 

If the Navy opened up to TG service, I would definitely go back. I would gladly be the first TG pilot and all the flak it would entail just as long as I got my time in the seat. I feel like I live in such an ignorant time.