I don't know what to do...

[lavini557]

I don't know what to do anymore... Because I'm depressed. Very depressed.

It didn't use to be this bad. Like I would just feel sad, pretty much. Maybe a little distracted. But now, I'm crying randomly without even knowing (actually, I cried like a few minutes ago, before writing this) and I can't focus on my homework AT ALL. I can't even focus in class anymore.

I think it's because of my parents. I feel as though I have to wait because I know that they will reject me for who I am (I have opened up to them before, and they were very negative about it - probably because they are uneducated). Maybe it's because I'm sick of hiding in the closet. I want to be ME.

...I don't know. I mean, I talk with a counselor in my study hall periods, and I go to a LGBT club on Mondays (I have a friend there that I've opened up to), but...I'm still depressed. Particularly when I'm at home.

I think the only thing keeping me from suicide is that life will get better when I transition. But...I don't know. It just seems too far away. Too much waiting. Too much internal pain.

...I can't deal with this anymore 

[Madison Bennett]

*hugs*

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about this?  Maybe some support groups, or a therapist?  I know those always really help me when i'm feeling down.

*double hugs*

[lavini557]

I was going to talk about it with my counselor, and maybe with my friend...but therapist isn't an option for me. My parents are against me seeing anyone about issues like these, especially since they think that they're the best at counseling their own children and therapists just want to take people's money.

*sigh* I really want to start transition...at least socially...but I can't because of my parents...which sucks. I think that's what's particularly causing this: I feel so trapped and feel like that I can't go anywhere.

I've wanted to talk to my parents again, but I've heard that I don't have to share with everybody I'm related to. Especially if I know that they will receive it badly. And if my parents receive it badly, then I know they won't support me, won't let me see anyone, etc. They're in complete denial that I'm like that (they just think that I'm just naturally more feminine, which is why they think I want to transition, which is wrong).

I want to transition. I feel like staying trapped like this will just make this depression even worse and make it go downhill.

And also, my counselor tried to get my parents to get me to see a therapist or something (he told my parents it was because I was depressed), and they took it really badly because they automatically assumed it was because of my need to transition. I thought that they might have at least considered getting me to see a therapist, so I was caught off guard and pretty much played dumb

I wish there was some way to convince my parents. The thing is...they won't watch anything English (my mom b/c people can sometimes talk too fast for her to understand, and my dad b/c he's tired from work, and even if he isn't, he doesn't want to watch it and stays ignorant).

If there was only something in Korean that could ultimately convince them that being trans* isn't something that's disgusting and sinful, but something that I need to do and is fine to do. *sigh* If only...

[Contravene]

It seems far away now but one day you'll be looking back wondering where all that time went.

I understand how stressful it is when you aren't able to be yourself around your family. I think the best thing you can do is find more people who you can be yourself around. You already seem to be on the right track with having a friend, counselor and LGBT group you can talk to but the more support you have, the better. If you're feeling suicidal it's also very important to let someone know. You can even call a suicide hotline if you want to talk with someone anonymously, there are numbers posted on this site for various hotlines you can call.

One of the things I like to do when I'm feeling sad is make a list of all the things that make me happy then each day I try to do something from that list to make myself feel a little better. When I'm feeling suicidal I remind myself of all the people who need me in their life and I make a list of things that I'm looking forward to doing one day so that I can remind myself to keep living for the things I'm looking forward to and for those people who love me.

I'm sure there are a lot of resources you can find that are in Korean and it should be easy to find an online translator for the ones that aren't. You shouldn't put too much stock into whether it not your parents approve of you wanting to transition though because it won't be long before you don't need their approval for anything. It may take a few years but good things come to those who wait, sometimes it's best not to rush it. In the meantime while you're waiting to transition physically I think you can transition socially. Your parents aren't with you in school so maybe you can try presenting as your chosen gender there first. It might even be better to take small steps like that anyway.

[LordKAT]

I think I understand. When I first decided to take steps to fix things, I had to wait. The loser it got to when I could start, the more depressed I got. When it was farther away, it was so far away that it wasn't worth thinking about or rather I avoided thinking about it as much as possible. when it got closer and I started planning my steps, it occupied me more and brought me down that it was so close and still so far away.

Perhaps, pulling away from trans related things will help. Don't quit your support network for when you need it but don't make it an everyday thing.

[lavini557]

I guess doing fun things could work...only problem is that sometimes I don't want to do anything fun. And there's times when I feel so pressured by schoolwork and stuff that I couldn't do because I can't concentrate and I feel like I can't go do something else b/c I have such a limited time. But I'll try to find ways to fix it. Does anyone have suggestions?

I think that I could transition socially...sort of. Well, I definitely can't fully transition because my brother's at school too. Even if he does get out of school, I still have friends at church that go to my school, and they will probably tell their parents which will then go to my mom (word spreads like wildfire at my church...once I hugged this girl because she wanted a hug and my friends at church were like "OMG [my name] has a girlfriend let's go tell everyone at church, especially the parents!" My parents did find out (obviously  ) and my mom gave me this lecture about how I shouldn't go dating in high school before I could even tell her that it was just hugging a girl). But I think I can socially transition w/ some people as long as it's not completely out in the open.

And I guess distancing myself from trans things could help. I will try that too. Although it will be hard

[Evolving Beauty]

BREAKAWAY from family, it's what I did and I didn't even have job or friends to go. Guess what/how I did to survive. And it's still the same after 5 years now but I'm more happy today.

[lavini557]

I guess breaking away might be a good idea, but I want to make it a more natural thing...like I have a legitimate reason to break away from them (like going off to college or university). I'm not so sure about breaking up with them now.

Speaking of college and universities...I am planning to transition then. Just some questions though:
1. How does the insurance for transitioning work at college/university? How much % do I still have to pay? I am just curious. If it's different across colleges/universities that offer it, maybe give an estimate so I have a general idea.
2. If I do transition in college/university, how do I face my parents? I mean, I don't see them there, but what do I do when it's like the holidays or the break and they sort of expect me to come back? I can see myself slightly changing back before getting hormones, but what about after hormones? Is it possible to give a legitimate excuse to not go over? Like, one that they would probably NEVER question and not try to look into what is really going on at my college/university and visit and see me there and get mad at me and stuff like that?

I will try to make it through this. Maybe I should get a counter-thingy for this, just to motivate me.

[lavini557]

I made a counter! Yay. It's nice how the mark seems near the end, so it doesn't seem as far away as it seems to me now...
I am still working on my depression and trying to do things that make me happy. Well, my mother is against these things (particularly on how she doesn't like me using the computer and prefers me doing homework or get a SAT practice book thing and do problems in the book or something. )
However, I seem to kind of unleash my stress on others if I contain it too long. Like today, for example. Well, my brother was apparently staying after for longer than usual, and we didn't know how long it would be until he would finish. So my mom and I were waiting in the car, and she told me to do homework or something like a good kid. I tried to, but I got really frustrated for some reason. It wasn't even because of the homework. I think it has something to do with depression and exhaustion from school causes it. So I was frustrated and for some reason I got angry. My mom thought it was all because I was frustrated at my brother being late. I was trying to explain it to her, but she thought I was still mad and angry (despite my best to use a calm voice). I feel much better coming home (that always seems to make my head feel better), but my mom was like "I need to be a mean mom, not a nice mom, because being a nice mom makes you both be bad kids. So I'll be a mean mom so you both can be nice kids."
I've always sensed it early on in my childhood, but my parent's love, if it exists, is like "We love you but you must be the kind of kid that WE wanted to have, and you can't be a person that is not what we want". Definitely not unconditional love, as far as I can tell (yet the Bible says to love everyone as God loved people, and my parents are devoted to church and read the Bible and stuff -_-)
Despite all this, I'm going to try to keep going. Because (I hope) this life will get better.