I remember being taken a back at, "guess I really am sterile now" and knowing, not choosing that I won't be having youngins'. Wasn't upset, the moment just gave me pause.
I'm not going to deny that right now, I'm working through grieving the loss of being able to go to dinner as man and woman with my SO. Don't get me wrong, it's much more comfortable being gendered appropriately by the rest of the world but when it comes to her, sometimes I do find myself longing for what was. Except for places that knew us before transition, we get "ladies" when we go out to eat now even when I'm not trying. I miss waitstaff making the assumption that there was no need to split the bill. There was a whole big deal about how my name would appear in the paper next to my SO's when her dad died. Stress because we didn't want it to deal with it saying, "This man is dead, his daughter survives and is an (unintentional) lesbian."
For me it's the knowledge of how much better my life is now, that's how I know there's no going back. Even with the sacrifices I've made and what I lost. I won't be him again. I'm too happy, comfortable. Still, would be nice if I could pass as him once and a while, for my SO and me. I'm sure I could easily earn ire for wanting that cause, "What's wrong with a lesbian relationship?" Well, nothing. The relationship I had, the romantic idea I had of us, is just something I'm mourning.
But!
Seeing as the relationship would probably be over had I not transitioned thanks to anger and booze, there should be plenty of new good times ahead too. Another reason why I won't go back.
