Struggling to tell wife

[ashrock]

So.... I know this part is almost never easy. I need to tell her.  I'm fairly certain this will end the marriage.  I dont even think this will come as a huge surprise for her as our marriage is not doing well because she has problems with me not being "manly".  I'm depressed, I'm hurting, and I fear losing her while dealing with this could send me over the edge.  I've told her I wish I could be someone else, I've told her I'm jealous of her... I wish she would put it together and just ends this miserable stand off I have about telling her.  I MUST move on to get through it, but this, this its breaking my heart. 
I have told my boss, and nearly all my friends (limited number of those unfortunately).  this has hurt her so much, I feel guilty.   

[ashrock]

So as not to end on a depressing note, I hate the pain I've ended up putting both of us through, but I know our healing can begin now instead of more hurt, and I assure you neither of us will have regrets about our relationship (besides it ending maybe) because we have light in our lives, our little daughter.

[kathyk]

If she's anything like my wife she already knows enough to suspect what your going to say.  She just needs your words to confirm it.  I'm sorry to hear you think your marriage will end.  It hurts, and it's a very hard loss. 

There's no easy way.  But take a deep breath and sit down with her.  It's surprising how big a relief it is.

Hugs  K

[Rachel]

Hugs, have water, tissues and a few hours when you tell her.

It is very painful. I feel for the both of you.

[ashrock]

..... Well I tried again tonight, I guess it kinda came off maybe at a comedic moment or something, but I came right out and said it completely seriously and she took it as a joke, so I lost my nerve to continue trying to explain....  I guess it could be possible that she knows and doesn't want to talk about it, or just hoping shes wrong and not wanting to confirm that she isn't

[Saskia]

I really feel for you, its such a tough thing to do. I went through very similar experience when I came out to my ex wife. Our sex life was non-existant and this upset her, I used to let her go to bed first and then go up to bed later hoping she was asleep. One particular night when the dysphoria was killing me and she was upset because I wouldn't have sex, I blurted it all out. I cried buckets and buckets of tears, held her hand and told her how I felt. It was the most traumatic evening of my life. I felt guilty for getting married in the first place knowing I was trangender.
We went to a Marriage guidance councellor, but of course it was a lost cause, this was the start of my transition. My ex wife took off her wedding ring and moved back to her parents. We got divorced. She was a lovely girl and I still feel guilty about how I let her down and caused so much grief.
You may want your wife to be part of your life and if so I sincerely wish you success and hope she understands. For me it was an emotional relief when my ex moved out as I couldn't see her hurting any more and it allowed me to start to transition properly.
You have my best wishes and hugs.

[aucoraborealis]

I told my wife before we started dating (back in 2007). She married me knowing, although not fully understanding, what I was going through. It still took me until now to properly explain and show her how much it really hurts. We've now made a mutual decision for me to start HRT. This is what I have learned, it might not apply to you but I hope it helps:

Take these conversations very slowly. It's hard for our loved ones to comprehend what we're telling them, especially when they think they know you. As difficult as it is, try to cover one idea at a time. I found that trying to cover everything in one conversation would just cause my wife to shut down. For example: start with the fact that you're transgendered and explain it to her in a way she might be able to relate to (easier said than done, I know). When she starts to understand the hurt this causes you, she might open up to hearing more about it. I tried to tell my wife everything in one conversation and it came across as selfish, causing her to get defensive. When I broke it down for her and just focused on what it's like to be gender dysphoric, she ended up asking me what we need to do to make it better.

I think the first thought to run through their minds when we tell them we're transgendered is one of us in drag, prowling the streets at night, looking for all kinds of unsavoury encounters. That's how the media portrays us anyway. For someone who has never met a transsexual, what should they expect? The best thing you can do is give her realistic expectations and reassurance that she is the most important person in your life. She needs to know that will never change.

Those are my two cents. I'm only in my twenties, so I certainly can't claim to have the life experience necessary to give such advice. But I really do wish you the best. This is probably the hardest part of the transition and you're incredibly brave for taking this step.

Be strong, and let us know how it goes.

[Embrace]

I'm sorry to read that you're having such a rough time with this.  Hugs to you and best wishes that this works out the best way it can for all of you.  As you can see you're not alone- take the advice in this thread to heart as it clearly comes from the hearts of many who have been there before.

A year ago I came out to my wife as transgender.  Over the next three months I came to accept myself as transsexual and began down the path of transition.  She did not initially take this well and like your wife felt that she was missing something in my lack of "manliness".  We also have a young daughter, as well.

It took a lot of soul searching for each of us to come to the decision to remain together and try to work through this as a family.  As things stand today, we are cautiously optimistic that things will turn out well but the fact is that this is not easy for either of us.  So we take things one day at a time.

The only advice I have to offer is to do your best to not lose sight of the fact that this is not all about you.  Her feelings, desires and needs are just as important and valid as yours, even if they are in opposition.  Try to take a moment to step back from the situation now and then and consider what it might be like if the tables were turned.  After all, you both deserve to be happy.

Again, I hope everything turns out well.

[Antonia J]

I am sorry you are going through this. I think telling our spouses is one of the hardest conversations coming out any of us have. Not sure it well help to make it better and build understanding, but I found my ex-wife appreciated the book She's Not There by Jenny Boylan. She read it cover to cover in the week after I came out. It helped us start a new dialogue about my transition and what it might mean for us as a couple.   

[Eva Marie]

Ash-

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. As others have said it's something that's necessary, but real hard to do. You said you are depressed and hurting? Telling her is a step toward healing.

She may choose to travel with you, or she may not, but this is something that you need to do for yourself. It's OK to put yourself first this time.

[Alainaluvsu]

Hmm.. why in the world did she marry you if you weren't manly enough for her to begin with?

[ashrock]

Thanks so much for the support and advice.  Will definitely take it slow as I think I've already told her some aspects of what I'm going through without giving her the why.  And I do think about her, a lot, all the time, which is why this is hard.  I keep telling myself I've already hurt her, and this can be a start for that hurt to end.
@alaina: she has told me that she thought that part would change as I came out of my shell and grew up.  also think there was a little bit of the cliche falling in love with an ideal of me so that she saw things that where not necessarily there.  Also, there are things about me she does love that are true, but she had already expressed that she is willing to let it go if I dont change, but those a whole long conversation I'm still working out with a therapist as shes refused couples (even one on one) consoling

[Joanna Dark]

You seem like you really care about her and I'm sure you do. But I'm going to give you the straight dope: if you care about her as much as you say you do, you need to tell her now. Today. No more waiting. You seem like you are in a terrible despair and everyday that goes by with you keeping secrets is only going to hurt you and her that much more in the end. I'm sorry this is happening but you need to come clean. If she leaves you, she leaves you. I know that sucks. But know what sucks more? day after day in a loveless, fictional partneship. I say fictional becuase she does not know the real you. And BTW, she might truly have no idea. Don't assume she does because you are not manly or whatever. Jeez, that's such a stupid thing to say and kinda immature. Maybe it's time to start a new, beautiful life living as you.

BUT, be sure you are certain you are going to transition. I have no idea what the detransition rate is, but there are a lot of people who just drop off this site and never return. And they drop off right after they talk about transition was a mistake. So be sure. This is not for everyone.

I have never been married but I was engaged and my ex-fiancee knew from the get go that I was a transsexual. In fact, the entire reason she dated me was because she said she was sick of men and then she met me and it was perfect. But she changed. And said she could no longer be with someone like me anymore. At the end, she made constant comments about my shoe size, my hands, my boobs, and everything else about me. And not in a good way. (my body is pretty feminine without HRT and I wear a size five and half in men's and have tiny, tiny hands and she could wrestle me to the ground.) There was a point when she told everyone I was a woman and her girlfriend but I had a birth defect. But when I got serious about HRT, and then told her it would be great if I had a uterus, the engagement collapsed. But in the end it was for the best. Now, I have a super hot, loving boyfriend and she has a nice husband. We never talk. So things will get better. I know the hurt but you must go thru it.

[Randi]

It has taken you many years to realize that you are transgender.  Please take your time and dole out the information over several months.

It you just bluntly state that you are a transsexual, it will generate the worst fears in her mind... something like this:

You want to have sex with men.
You will leave her eventually, so she might as well start divorce proceedings.
You will be an embarrassment to your family and friends by parading around in drag.
You will expect her to become a lesbian.
You might come to harm because of your behavior.

best wishes,

Randi 

Take these conversations very slowly. It's hard for our loved ones to comprehend what we're telling them, especially when they think they know you. As difficult as it is, try to cover one idea at a time. I found that trying to cover everything in one conversation would just cause my wife to shut down.

[ashrock]

Thanks again for everything.   we talked about it, and overall, well it went better than I would have ever hoped.  we are both a bit drained, but both admittedly relieved that I finally came out with it (ironically she said it was the manliest thing I've ever done in our relationship).  now we both have a lot to work through, but she said she would do anything to support whatever I needed to do to get through this.  But she does want to separate.... So big relief overall, big emotional joys, and tremendous pain all at once.  I need a little time to sort this out for myself, but we are both glad I was able to say it.

[kathyk]

... we talked about it, and overall, well it went better than I would have ever hoped.  ...  I need a little time to sort this out for myself, but we are both glad I was able to say it.

You did what had to be done, and you found the relief you needed.  I know it wasn't easy, and all of us who went through "that talk" sympatise with both you and your wife.  And even if your not the first to be going through it, your definitely not the last.  So after a while you'll be giving the advice.

Take time to sort it out.  Everything is changing. 

Hugs.

[sam79]

Thanks again for everything.   we talked about it, and overall, well it went better than I would have ever hoped.  we are both a bit drained, but both admittedly relieved that I finally came out with it (ironically she said it was the manliest thing I've ever done in our relationship).  now we both have a lot to work through, but she said she would do anything to support whatever I needed to do to get through this.  But she does want to separate.... So big relief overall, big emotional joys, and tremendous pain all at once.  I need a little time to sort this out for myself, but we are both glad I was able to say it.

I'm so glad that you've been able to discuss this with your wife... Certainly a hard discussion. But you know there can be silver linings even here. While your wife may wish to separate with you, perhaps over the longer marathon you could change the direction of your relationship with your wife and remain friends. And how positive would that be for your daughter.

Which ever way the road leads, I wish you the very best for everything that lays wait .

[Missy~rmdlm]

Tantalizingly some couples survive transition. That was not the case for me, sadly I read my marriage as not lasting and it didn't. That is an extremely stressful time. I do have to say when my ex left me hostilely I cried for about a day then jumped into transition with both feet(started HT the same week.) It was very liberating to have her cut off the relationship of nearly ten years cold turkey. I for one would never have left her, yet I struggled with her running the relationship. Ultimately since my ex lost control of the power struggle in the relationship that lead to her hostility. Her unwitting goal was to hold power in the relationship, and she didn't even realize that? Was that a person I wanted for the rest of my life anyhow, who actually treated me like a doormat both during the relationship and attempted to at the end.

[ashrock]

@missy: I really feel for you, that sounds incredibly hard.

waking up today I actually have hope, I haven't lived a day for myself for as long as I can remember.  Its like the first workout if you haven't for a while.... I'm sore and raw, but I feel stronger, but times a thousand.  Again, thank you so, I can't thank you all enough,  even those of you that kinda pushed me a little

[Sandra_Dickinson]

Ahhh got here too late to offer my advice

I'm glad you got things said though, and things are getting better for you. I got drunk on wine when I told my wife for courage, ended up with the two of us crying and things SO much worse than it should have been - I'm glad you didn't do it the same way as me, you showed sense :p

I told her first, and although I go out in girlmode sometimes I've still not told my friends, family or co-workers - except for about two or three very close friends. I think you did the hardest job telling others rather than telling her. Hopefully she'll become your best friend like my wife has - she calls me her 'transister' because she knows I love electronics and I'm kind of geeky. If it wasn't for her help I don't think I'd understand anything right now.