I have not been posting anything here for the past 6 weeks. My life became very hectic for a while. Some good, some bad - all of it stressful. Ouch.
One positive is that I have continued recovering from my hernia surgery on 27/July. I cannot lift nearly as much as I used to be able to, but enough that I am not too limited. I had to bring an 84lb printer up the steps into my house on Thursday, and I managed it with some mechanical help (ie: dolley & pulley). I was glad that someone could help me with the second one. That did leave me needing to rest for an hour or two, although thankfully without needing any painkillers.
Another positive is that my wife passed her MSc. She got that news while my parents were visiting my brother. We travel to MD for her graduation 3 weeks from today.
My parents visited in mid-October, right when I should have been making connections and planning for my next contract. It was great to see them. The timing could have been better: I am only now starting to look for a new contract, a full week after my contract has ended, instead of 2 to 3 weeks before. They visited me for a long weekend, then went to NY to see the town & visit my brother, returning to Philly for another day with me before flying back home.
While there were several reasons for my parents to come visit, I think that one of their main reasons was concern over me being trans. I had told them in June via Skype, and there had been some more Skype conversations since. They were concerned: partly for me; partly for themselves.
During the first weekend, they got on very well with my wife & I. We spent most of the weekend together. I was my normal self, with no attempt to display that I am trans and no attempt to hide it. (This is usual for me. I present as male almost all of the time.) My mum even said that "whatever I was going through" was just between myself & the missus.
They then spent some time with my brother during the week, and began to realise that me being trans affects a lot more than just the wife & myself. My brother is hurting a lot. He is very angry. He is trying hard to keep our relationship alive, but it is difficult for him. We have no sisters & no other brothers. We spent our childhood, teens & twenties as each other's best friend. Each of us was the rock the other could lean on when times got tough. We drifted apart a bit when I emigrated, but we are still close. Many times during the few days he spent with my parents, he repeated the line: "I only have the one brother." I can understand his hurt and his anger. I cannot change who I am to please him or anybody. But I am determined to remain available to him always, come what may. I am hopeful: This week the brother asked the missus & I to join himself & his wife in NY for Thanksgiving Dinner.
When my parents returned to Philly, they were quite shaken. They needed to talk with me. They started by demanding that I never set foot in Ireland under any circumstances in female attire. They were particularly worried that I might appear at either of their funeral's as Tessa. Apparently, "Sorry, I can't promise that," was not the answer they expected. They did accept a 'guarantee' that, as things stand with me at present, I have no intention of arriving in Ireland in female attire and that I would make a point of not doing so. The caveat I included was that, while I am not planning anything more than I am already doing, I cannot predict exactly how many changes will be brought on by the HRT alone. I did not attempt to introduce them to the concept of male-fail, merely alluded to a small potential for same. Some of my in-person trans friends have looked shocked at how awful this was. Personally, given from where their attitudes started, I am tremendously impressed with how well my parents & my brother are handling the news that I am trans. They are all still talking with me and they are still friendly towards me. I am glad that they feel confident enough in the strength of our relationship that they are willing to tell me how they really feel, and still keep talking with me afterwards, even when I disagree with them. They do not like that I am trans. They do not have to. All I ask from them is that they continue to include me in the family. So far, that much has been willingly given.
The three of us (my da, my mum & I) sat down in my kitchen and spoke for 4 hours about how me being trans is affecting & will affect all of our lives. They were grateful that I readily acknowledged that I needed to give them time & space to readjust their thinking. This is very new to them. I had 38 years of knowing that something needed to be addressed before finally admitting to myself what it was. They had no idea that I had been fighting it off for those 38 years. We all listened to one another. We all felt listened to. When my father said he felt that I was foisting acceptance upon them against their will, I stated that this is not a 'decision' that I have made, but rather a long-running battle that I have lost. But that battle has been lost - I can no longer pretend that all is well. The huge improvement in my emotional well-being from the (HRT) meds is a clear indicator that things are better for me. They do now accept that this is not a random decision, but rather a reality that I am still learning how to deal with, 22 months after my first bit of acceptance. The conversation was emotionally draining for all of us, but very, very helpful.
My parents' visit left me wiped out at the start of the penultimate week of the project I was working on. It took all of my available mental & physical energy just to keep getting to work each day. I guess my hard work paid off to some extent: I was kept on as the only tech from my team for the final week to clean up whatever might be left. That was exhausting. I finished on Friday 7/Nov, but have spent most of the time since just resting. Nothing as productive as, for example, writing a blog post, just resting very thoroughly. And so now I find myself again without work, and I need to find another gig sooner rather than later.
6 weeks away from here, & I mostly write about just one single day. It was a good day, though. It is good to talk.
And now, finally, the actual topic at hand:
Initially, my target was the simple visual of not seeing my belly protrude over my belt. That remains my primary target. Despite some weight gain, my belt has been well-behaved. Much of the little bit of weight I have gained in recent weeks seems to be a bit below the belt, so to speak. Now that I am off work, I am back walking again, for which I am grateful.
Height:
5'11" (1.81m) - Age:
45 - Target Weight:
165-170lbs (75.0-77.3kg)
Date Daily Weight 7-day Average 28-day Average
Sun 20/Jan/2013: 202.6lbs (92.1kg)
Thu 24/Jan/2013: 190.8lbs (86.7kg) - 199.7lbs (90.8kg)
Thu 14/Feb/2013: 190.8lbs (86.7kg) - 192.9lbs (87.7kg) - 196.0lbs (89.1kg)
Fri 29/Mar/2013: 182.2lbs (82.8kg) - 184.0lbs (83.6kg) - 184.8lbs (84.0kg)
Fri 26/Apr/2013: 177.0lbs (80.5kg) - 177.7lbs (80.8kg) - 180.0lbs (81.8kg)
Fri 31/May/2013: 170.0lbs (77.3kg) - 171.8lbs (78.1kg) - 172.7lbs (78.5kg)
Fri 28/Jun/2013: 170.6lbs (77.5kg) - 169.3lbs (77.0kg) - 169.5lbs (77.1kg)
Wed 31/Jul/2013: 166.0lbs (75.5kg) - 168.6lbs (76.6kg) - 169.5lbs (77.1kg)
Sat 10/Aug/2013: 166.6lbs (75.7kg) - 167.8lbs (76.3kg) - 168.8lbs (76.7kg)
Fri 30/Aug/2013: 171.4lbs (77.9kg) - 171.3lbs (77.9kg) - 170.4lbs (77.4kg)
Fri 27/Sep/2013: 169.8lbs (77.2kg) - 171.3lbs (77.9kg) - 171.1lbs (77.8kg)
Fri 1/Nov/2013: 183.6lbs (83.5kg) - 181.2lbs (82.4kg) - 176.2lbs (80.1kg)
Fri 22/Nov/2013: 177.4lbs (80.6kg) - 178.0lbs (80.9kg) - 179.1lbs (81.4kg)
Fri 27/Dec/2013: 174.8lbs (79.5kg) - 174.5lbs (79.3kg) - 175.8lbs (79.9kg)
Fri 24/Jan/2014: 173.4lbs (78.8kg) - 173.1lbs (78.7kg) - 172.9lbs (78.6kg)
Fri 21/Feb/2014: 171.6lbs (78.0kg) - 172.5lbs (78.4kg) - 172.9lbs (78.6kg)
Fri 21/Mar/2014: 170.8lbs (77.6kg) - 171.9lbs (78.1kg) - 172.2lbs (78.3kg)
Fri 18/Apr/2014: 171.0lbs (77.7kg) - 171.9lbs (78.1kg) - 171.5lbs (78.0kg)
Fri 16/May/2014: 170.4lbs (77.5kg) - 170.3lbs (77.4kg) - 170.8lbs (77.6kg)
Fri 14/Jun/2014: 170.6lbs (77.5kg) - 170.7lbs (77.6kg) - 170.6lbs (77.5kg)
Fri 11/Jul/2014: 170.2lbs (77.4kg) - 169.2lbs (76.9kg) - 168.9lbs (76.8kg)
Fri 18/Jul/2014: 169.6lbs (77.1kg) - 169.9lbs (77.2kg) - 169.0lbs (76.8kg)
Fri 25/Jul/2014: 168.8lbs (76.7kg) - 169.3lbs (76.9kg) - 169.1lbs (76.9kg)
Tue 29/Jul/2014: 179.2lbs (81.5kg) - 172.4lbs (78.4kg) - 170.0lbs (77.3kg)
Fri 1/Aug/2014: 166.4lbs (75.6kg) - 173.2lbs (78.7kg) - 170.4lbs (77.4kg)
Fri 8/Aug/2014: 162.6lbs (73.9kg) - 164.1lbs (74.6kg) - 169.1lbs (76.9kg)
Fri 15/Aug/2014: 164.0lbs (74.5kg) - 163.9lbs (74.5kg) - 167.6lbs (76.2kg)
Fri 22/Aug/2014: 164.2lbs (74.6kg) - 164.3lbs (74.7kg) - 166.4lbs (75.6kg)
Fri 29/Aug/2014: 162.4lbs (73.8kg) - 164.3lbs (74.7kg) - 164.2lbs (74.6kg)
Fri 5/Sep/2014: 163.6lbs (74.4kg) - 163.9lbs (74.5kg) - 164.1lbs (74.6kg)
Fri 12/Sep/2014: 163.8lbs (74.5kg) - 164.0lbs (74.5kg) - 164.1lbs (74.6kg)
Fri 19/Sep/2014: 164.4lbs (74.7kg) - 164.6lbs (74.8kg) - 164.2lbs (74.6kg)
Fri 26/Sep/2014: 166.6lbs (75.7kg) - 166.1lbs (75.5kg) - 164.6lbs (74.8kg)
Fri 3/Oct/2014: 166.6lbs (75.7kg) - 166.4lbs (75.6kg) - 165.3lbs (75.1kg)
Fri 10/Oct/2014: 168.0lbs (76.4kg) - 166.6lbs (75.7kg) - 165.9lbs (75.4kg)
Fri 17/Oct/2014: 166.6lbs (75.7kg) - 166.8lbs (75.8kg) - 166.5lbs (75.7kg)
Fri 24/Oct/2014: 167.4lbs (76.1kg) - 166.5lbs (75.7kg) - 166.6lbs (75.7kg)
Fri 31/Oct/2014: 167.0lbs (75.9kg) - 167.9lbs (76.3kg) - 167.0lbs (75.9kg)
Fri 7/Nov/2014: 171.2lbs (77.8kg) - 168.7lbs (76.7kg) - 167.5lbs (76.1kg)
Fri 14/Nov/2014: 169.0lbs (76.8kg) - 169.2lbs (76.9kg) - 168.1lbs (76.4kg)
(Rolling averages are a better indicator of progress than single data points.)Between stress, poor eating habits and lack of exercise, I should probably be grateful that my weight did not rise higher that it has. But I am not happy that I have hit 171.4lbs (77.9kg) twice within the past 10 days, and saw my weekly average reach 169.8lbs (77.2kg) last Monday.
I am hoping to turn this around starting now, and recover that self-discipline that lost me almost 40lbs last year.
Time to go for my 4-mile walk, with Julian of Norwich's mantra running through my head once more:
All shall be well.
And all shall be well.
And all manner of things shall be well.Be well,
Tessa
