Personal image and the reality in the mirror

[Eva Marie]

Sometimes yes. Lately not at all. I've only been on a normal dose of hormones for three months though so I should give it time. Though I've been taking hormones since March 1, so I thought I'd look more femme by now. it's almost like im going backward I swear to god. Could upping the spiro dose significantly cause T to increase temporarily?

Joanna-

I think your new avatar picture looks great - I don't know what you mean by "going backward" - Looks like you are going forward to me! 

[Joan]

I remember this well. He was always there looking back at me.

One evening I got home and was feeling good, far better than in the past. I walked into my house and looked around and it looked different.

I realised that it was my home.

I looked in the mirror and Cindy looked back at me.

I suddenly realised something. He had died. I had his memories but he had gone.

He had looked after me and protected me but when it was time to be me, he left.

He has never come back.

Even other people asked why I looked so different, it was because I had become the confident woman I am.

It will happen, it will happen.

Thank you, Cindy

These were really encouraging words. I'm looking forward to that day when it happens.

And as you say Eva Marie and Oriah, yes - attitude, confidence, acceptance (and just a little bit of help from HRT ;p). Last night I felt my female self really kind of overflowing and when I looked in the mirror I was much much nearer to who I see myself as in my head.  This is a step in the right direction

And Joanna, you look just fine

[Michelle G]

This is how I tolerate the mirror, don't look into it and I don't feel as bad,

[Emmaline]

This is a topic on my mind right now.  I actually was in deep denial my whole life, having no information on the trans condition.  I had always wondered why I could not stand to look in a mirror and felt shock and queasy when looking at pgotos.  Some pictures where okay- I just did not know why.  I attributed it to weight- but whe I I got super fit it was still there- I figured straight guys dont look in mirrors much and left it at that.

Now, everything makes sense.  If I look in the mirror... uhg.  Sick feeling.  If I place my hand over my mouth area- anxiety dissipates.  If I cover my beard shadow (even saying 'my' beard feels weird) with thick foundation- bingo... I can look in mirror... but... I have to cover my jaw muscles with hair.  This exercise focuses down on the things that shock my brain.  Clearly I AM transgender- as it is the male aspects that cause this reaction.

So I figure that laser will remove my blue shadow- and hormones will go some way to reduce my jaw muscle mass and cheek fat distribution onwards from the seven month mark.  I have set this as my minimum expectation- based on before and after pictures I have seen,  this seems a realistic expectation.  As these are the things causing shock when I look in the mirror, I think that I can say 'yes, I can now see the woman in the whole' once they are out of the way.  I guess what I am saying is a divided out my male signals, weighed them against my acceptable ones- then focused my attention on dealing with the major triggers first- so I am dealing with seperate features rather than a whole manface.

So laser- grow out hair to hide jaw- hormones may help- save for a bone shave on jaw angles in case that ship dont sail by year 2.

Baby steps- and enjoy the qualities I have that work for me already- my eyes, lips, naturally hairless hands... practice eyemakeup, eyebrow grooming... celebrate the good bits.

That's my plan on how to manage expectations.  Does this sound like a stable plan to you experienced ladies?

Oh, and the photos I can look at?  Turns out all of them where when I had long hair and no visible beard during my college years.  How did I not know?

[Allyda]

Oddly enough, I stopped seeing a guy in the mirror. I look at myself and just register as female. Sure I frown at some of the more masculine traits that I still need to work on, but otherwise I have a hard time seeing a guy anymore. And I've tried.. I just ended up looking 'butch'. xD 

I think the difference is losing the doubt, and leaving the 'guy' behind. I feel like all I'm doing is moving forward, and going back is an impossibility now. There was and is no future for me as a guy, so only the real me remains. Even if I had any doubts, I'd just push on the only way that I can.

This is how things happened for me. It seems you and I have a few things in common Ashley! Anyway, I bought my own lasers, a single hair for the eyebrows and a much more expensive 60 hair one that you have to use a key with, and I got a Flash -n -go for the large areas such as my legs and arms. I take womens vitamins and just doing these things so much has changed for the better as I at least feel I'm moving forward toward the real me on the outside as well as within. Next step is hrt which I'll be starting soon (January one way or another). As someone said: "you've let the girl out now let her be free," and if the mirror bothers you too much don't look at it so much. I've a problem with gray facial hair but I haen't let it get me down. I did some research and got the charcoal dye so my lasers will be effective on them and am again moving forward. Attetude and determination are what will get you through at the end of the day. And as someone else said: "being unhappy with our looks is just part of being a woman." So I too welcome you to womanhood.

[kinz]

cw: transmisogynist slurs

You are unhappy with your looks.

Welcome to womanhood.

it's different i think. my experience is that trans women are subjected to impossible beauty standards where unless they're "more beautiful" by society's gross cissexist racist standards of what is considered the western ideal of beauty, not only are we taught to feel devalued and less worthwhile to society, like cis women are, but we're degendered and dehumanized; a cis woman society considers ugly is seen as pathetic, gross, unlovable, and unworthy of being a sexual object (let alone being provided any degree of sexual agency); a trans woman society considers ugly is stripped even of the bare standards of humanity, perceived—atop being pathetic, gross, unlovable, and desexualized—as "really a man", a "he-she", a "thing", a "freak", a "gross ->-bleeped-<-". so the dissatisfaction that trans women are taught to have for themselves is superpowered and brutal. it's something that's hard to unlearn, too, when pretty much all of society legitimizes that viewpoint—that only the "pretty ones" and the "good ones" are even allowed to be women in society. so yes, welcome to womanhood, where an entire gauntlet of astronomical beauty standards will do their best to tell you you're not beautiful enough.

kind of a downer, i know. but that's it, right? it's hard not to listen to that when society tells it to you everywhere. it's worth telling yourself this even if sometimes you don't feel it: you're beautiful. all women are beautiful.

It is an almost universal condition among females to dislike our looks in some way. That's OK. It's the way we are wired. We value beauty and strive toward that as our ideal, no less worthy an ideal than money, or power or what a lot of others strive for. It binds us together as a gender, and gives us a common experience.

i don't think this is ok, and the suggestion that women are "wired" to feel inadequate about our appearance is deeply offensive to me as a woman. certainly the experience of common womanhood is something that gives me a strong sense of kinship with women, with queer women, with trans women, and oppression plays into that common experience. but the idea that it's only right or that it's natural for people to make women feel like crap about how they look is profoundly insulting for me, and i hope you think about the ways that something like this might delegitimize people's experiences as women.

[Joan]

Michelle: that looks like it might work Those proportions you have there certainly have to be helping

Emmaline: That's it!  Yes, the jawline, and especially the beard   I am doing laser, but it's a slow process.  When I go out as myself I wear a surgical mask. 

Allyda: I've heard about this charcoal dye.  Does it really get down to the roots?  I have blond, grey and red in beard as well as very dark black. 

kinz: I think we are all (all genders and subsets within) being taught to be unhappy with our bodies, and this is not a good thing.  As people changing our genders, and doing our best to alter as much as we can the physical markers of our anatomical gender, I guess we are super sensitive to how we look.  In the beginning anyway - or so I hope.

Actually I'm feeling much better about these things.  All of the positive comments on this thread have really, really helped me.  I finally finished work today and I'm going out today to the park to enjoy the sunshine

Happy holidays to you all

[Catherine Sarah]

Hello Joan,

As many before me have already alluded to the major change being towards your attitude, you need to understand that hormones not only start a series of physical changes, Oestrogen also commences a process of rewiring your brain, by feeding previously deprived oestrogen receptors within it and starving testosterone receptors. This will assist in the attitude change process. Be aware of it and don't deny the changes and you'll have a 'relatively' easy transition.

Huggs
Catherine

[Emmaline]

That made me feel good Catherine

[MiaOhMya!]

Joan, you know I found hormones changed my outside (especially my skin which has an extremely feminising effect), but the most important part it changed was my insides...I just "feel" right nowadays. I call it "coming home" and it's so funny because I thought I came up with that expression, but apparently lots of trans folks feel that way. Another thing I will say is that "transition" really is the functional word here...it takes time time tiiimeeee for results once you begin HRT and you will not SEE the results because they happen slowly that you get used to them as they occur. Just be your best self and the rest will shine through! Hang in there luv! 

...trans women are subjected to impossible beauty standards where unless they're "more beautiful" by society's gross cissexist racist standards of what is considered the western ideal of beauty, not only are we taught to feel devalued and less worthwhile to society, like cis women are, but we're degendered and dehumanized; tha cis woman society considers ugly is seen as pathetic, gross, unlovable, and unworthy of being a sexual object (let alone being provided any degree of sexual agency); a trans woman society considers ugly is stripped even of the bare standards of humanity..."

This was extremely well written and insightful. I also despise how society judges ageing women it's absurd...

You're a wonderful writer. I will try to remember what you said and let it be a lesson to look beyond the rubbish.

[Joan]

Catherine and MiaOhMya

Thank you both so much

I've read elsewhere about those subtle 'rewiring' effects of oestrogen. I'm looking forward to the peace of mind that they will bring.

And yes, time!  Time I intend to give it to work it's effects, and in the meantime to get my head in the right place and keep it there.

Our trip to the park was foiled by rain so went to a shopping centre instead, so many people there, some of them staring but most of them not. I feel much more comfortable in myself and so much more confident, and this confidence is the face staring back at me in the mirror too.

[vlmitchell]

This happens through HRT, time, life, time, experiences, and time. It's taken me about four years but, finally, I can see myself in the mirror instead of what I used to see before transition. I understand a lot of what Cindy said in her response regarding 'him': the mask that I used to wear. It takes living your life for a while to make that mask fade away into nothingness but, once it's gone and you've done a bit of living as yourself for a while, eventually you stop seeing the mask and then later, you stop seeing what you used to see but think you still do.

I know that response is very metaphysical but we have a persistent self image that we project onto reflections. Once you're done with the process of acceptance of yourself, that changes and you can finally see what everyone else sees.

That said, you're pre-HRT so you've really just started this journey. Take your time and you'll serve yourself well but always, always, always know that you'll get there if you hang on, open yourself to life and love, and keep going.

[Joan]

Thank you Victoria.

Yes it is just the start, but one day I will get there

[Allyda]

Michelle: that looks like it might work Those proportions you have there certainly have to be helping

Emmaline: That's it!  Yes, the jawline, and especially the beard   I am doing laser, but it's a slow process.  When I go out as myself I wear a surgical mask. 

Allyda: I've heard about this charcoal dye.  Does it really get down to the roots?  I have blond, grey and red in beard as well as very dark black. 

kinz: I think we are all (all genders and subsets within) being taught to be unhappy with our bodies, and this is not a good thing.  As people changing our genders, and doing our best to alter as much as we can the physical markers of our anatomical gender, I guess we are super sensitive to how we look.  In the beginning anyway - or so I hope.

Actually I'm feeling much better about these things.  All of the positive comments on this thread have really, really helped me.  I finally finished work today and I'm going out today to the park to enjoy the sunshine

Happy holidays to you all

Joan, yes the charcoal dye does work. However there are two ways of using it. One is more effective than the other: The first, like I've been doing is shaving the wretched (my name for facial hair) gray's as close as you can then spray them real well. While this techique works it does take longer. The other more effective way is to let the wretched things grow out enough to pluck. Then pluck them, then spray the charcoal dye right into the root. With either method you choose have paper towels handy cause it is messy -very messy. Let it dry (either method) after wiping off the excess before hitting it with your laser or flash pulse device. I've noticed as with my black hairs until they were gone, the grays have become thinner and thinner with each treatment. Just make sure you wait at least two weeks between treatments. You have to allow time for "fallout" to occurr. "Fallout " is my name for the body's expulsion of the dead root. It's very easy to become discouraged doing your own laser for the day after treatment you'll still feell what seems like hair growing back leading you to over treat. "Fallout" can feel like the hair is coming back, when in reality it is your body forcing out the dead portions of the root & remaining dead hair shaft. It's hard to be patient I know. I've been doing my own laser treatments for a little over a year now.

I started my hrt two days ago everyone!, yay!!! What a wonderful New Year's gift! Even in this short time I've noticed a boost in energy unlike any other. It's almost like my body has been starving for this for years!

[Carrie Liz]

So you know, HRT does indeed help to close the gap quite a bit, but there's still always going to be a gap. As much as we hate to admit it, we're never going to be cis-women. There are always things about ourselves that we are going to wish were more naturally feminine.

I spent a significant portion of early HRT fighting against myself because I felt so female in my head after finally coming out, and yet my body just lagged and lagged behind. And it's still lagging. Even though I have boobs now (sort of,) and my skin has gotten softer and my muscles have shrunk and I'm feeling so much more feminine, that gap is still there. And I still have my bad days. At some point I'm hoping that I'll reach a point where I can finally say "okay, I'm happy with myself now," but I'm unfortunately still not there yet, and don't expect that I will be until I really start passing more often.

So yeah... the gap does close. But it's not just a matter of things magically changing. It is a LONG, HARD battle. And it will be much easier if you go into it with a self-accepting mindset rather than expecting HRT to magically make you into a woman and fix all of the problems that you have with your body.

[Allyda]

So you know, HRT does indeed help to close the gap quite a bit, but there's still always going to be a gap. As much as we hate to admit it, we're never going to be cis-women. There are always things about ourselves that we are going to wish were more naturally feminine.

I spent a significant portion of early HRT fighting against myself because I felt so female in my head after finally coming out, and yet my body just lagged and lagged behind. And it's still lagging. Even though I have boobs now (sort of,) and my skin has gotten softer and my muscles have shrunk and I'm feeling so much more feminine, that gap is still there. And I still have my bad days. At some point I'm hoping that I'll reach a point where I can finally say "okay, I'm happy with myself now," but I'm unfortunately still not there yet, and don't expect that I will be until I really start passing more often.

So yeah... the gap does close. But it's not just a matter of things magically changing. It is a LONG, HARD battle. And it will be much easier if you go into it with a self-accepting mindset rather than expecting HRT to magically make you into a woman and fix all of the problems that you have with your body.

Oh I've read enough and researched enough to agree with you 100%. I'm just suprised at the change in the way I feel already. I have no dillusions and expect a very long road ahead along with more ups and downs. I'm just glad I found this site so I have people to talk to who are going through simmilar struggles. And I really do appreciate your concern.

[Carrie Liz]

Trust me, there's also some freaking AMAZING highs, though. You're going to have a lot of fun too. Enjoy it.

[Allyda]

Trust me, there's also some freaking AMAZING highs, though. You're going to have a lot of fun too. Enjoy it.

I'm sure I will, thanks. I'm just very happy also that I've finally began this journey that has been very long overdue. What better way to start off 2014!

[LordKAT]

Roller coasters are quite a thrill after all. Enjoy the journey as best you Ally.

[Allyda]

Roller coasters are quite a thrill after all. Enjoy the journey as best you Ally.

I sincerely thank you all soo much for your support. I know this is right from the depths of my soul.