Personal image and the reality in the mirror

[Joan]

So since I accepted what I am and came out to my partner I have this space where I can be myself.  Oh, how much better this has made me feel! It's like all this pressure that had built up has been released.

I finally have this space to be a woman, to move and to react to things as I want to, and just be myself. We go out shopping or to eat and it's been fantastic.  I know in my heart what I am and finally i can let this out to roam free.

But then I look in the mirror and all I see is a man's face.  This comes as a shock because that's not what I am in my heart. This gap really brings me down.

I went to an endo last Saturday for the first time expecting (hoping?) to get my first shot of hormones, and we talked for an hour and they took blood for the test. Next consult is Jan 11.  I'd been trying not to hope to much, but it sort of deflated me.

I guess things are moving forward at last, but this gap between me and my appearance is driving me mad.

Has everyone found that time brings acceptance?

Or is HRT the answer?  Am I expecting too much of HRT?

[sam79]

This is hard topic at times I think. I understand the difficulty and the 'gap' as you put it. It can be crushing to be feeling the right way but see something else. Just wait until you're running on the right hormones!

We all crave the girl in the mirror. And she can take time and effort before she appears. She might show with just a little make up, or perhaps months of HRT, or perhaps more dramatic steps like FFS. Angelique comes to mind ( in the fabulous thread, page 8 ) for what can be done without hormones. Such possibilities with the right wig ( if needed ) and make up.

What I found eased the wait was to do everything else I could while waiting for changes from HRT. I developed my voice, wardrobe, and started hitting hair removal. Anything to give that sense of work-in-progress. The last thing I wanted to feel is that I was just standing still. It worked... It was hard, but it worked.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

I totally feel you, the same has happened to me, went out as a girl being really happy and then return home take off make up etc and just see a guy in the mirror...
it feels terrible ,

anyway hormones will change you a lot , I mean I already feel different , still see a guy in the mirror but sometimes I  see a girl too , wierd feeling , wierd sense of happiness,,, and Ive barely even started im only 2 weeks on e,,,

so i think hormones and obviouslly time should be ok

if you can help it though just dont look in the mirror a lot, thats what I used to do, buuut know that im on hormones i look on the mirror every 10 min to check for changes ( whaat? thats stupid dont do it  lol )

anyway the blood test is neccesary in order to start hormones,,,so im pretty sure on the 11th you ll begin

[stephaniec]

that's how it was for me, once you start hormones I felt a lot better. the change can take a while , When I first noticed changes in my face and body it was a nice euphoria . I finally got to the point of seeing this female stare back at me .

[rinaballerina]

I also have those feelings, especially when looking into the mirror. I end up just staring at myself for hours but I just feel worse and worse.
but I also think I am getting confused with looking fem and being beautiful. I know GGs that have masculine and feminine features.

I just have to think positively and remember beauty truly comes from within. Its hard to do tho :c

I think HRT will help alot (well I hope.) The distribution of fat and muscle in the face is diff for genders and I guess to some extent we can visually identify genders this way (? /speculation) and that will change in time.

dont look to long in the mirror! I think everyone will get self-conscious after long!

[suzifrommd]

Has everyone found that time brings acceptance?

Or is HRT the answer?  Am I expecting too much of HRT?

I would say that HRT will do many things, but will not solve the problem of seeing a man's face in the mirror.

I don't think time, per se, brings acceptance. If you're not careful it can solidify non-acceptance.

For me, the key was attitude.

I still see man when I look into the mirror. It would be very easy to get hung up on that image and spiral down into dysphoria. I do have my moments...

But I know that's just the surface.

Beneath that is a beautiful, feminine soul, exactly as female as I need to be.

Trans women are allowed to be whatever kind of woman we want. Face doesn't make the woman, nor do genitals. Having a female heart and following it, makes the woman.

You are unhappy with your looks.

Welcome to womanhood.

It is an almost universal condition among females to dislike our looks in some way. That's OK. It's the way we are wired. We value beauty and strive toward that as our ideal, no less worthy an ideal than money, or power or what a lot of others strive for. It binds us together as a gender, and gives us a common experience.

So when I find myself disappointed in my own looks, I embrace that feeling as one of the things that makes me female.

I hope his helps Joan.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

Honestly, I think you are better off to keep your expectations low. HRT is not a "magic pill". It's only going to do so much. Age, genetics, overall lifestyle will play a larger role than anything. It is not a "one size fits all" type of thing. Just because Person A had awesome results doesn't mean that Person B will. You get what you get.

[rinaballerina]

Trans women are allowed to be whatever kind of woman we want. Face doesn't make the woman, nor do genitals. Having a female heart and following it, makes the woman.

You are unhappy with your looks.

Welcome to womanhood.

It is an almost universal condition among females to dislike our looks in some way. That's OK. It's the way we are wired. We value beauty and strive toward that as our ideal, no less worthy an ideal than money, or power or what a lot of others strive for. It binds us together as a gender, and gives us a common experience.

So when I find myself disappointed in my own looks, I embrace that feeling as one of the things that makes me female.

beautifully put. That makes things make more sense in my head

[Joan]

Thank you everyone

Miss Bungle,

Yes, I think the low expectations game is the one I will be playing. That's why I was wondering about how time and acceptance might be more realistic way forward.

I would say that HRT will do many things, but will not solve the problem of seeing a man's face in the mirror.

I don't think time, per se, brings acceptance. If you're not careful it can solidify non-acceptance.

For me, the key was attitude.

I still see man when I look into the mirror. It would be very easy to get hung up on that image and spiral down into dysphoria. I do have my moments...

But I know that's just the surface.

Beneath that is a beautiful, feminine soul, exactly as female as I need to be.

Trans women are allowed to be whatever kind of woman we want. Face doesn't make the woman, nor do genitals. Having a female heart and following it, makes the woman.

You are unhappy with your looks.

Welcome to womanhood.

It is an almost universal condition among females to dislike our looks in some way. That's OK. It's the way we are wired. We value beauty and strive toward that as our ideal, no less worthy an ideal than money, or power or what a lot of others strive for. It binds us together as a gender, and gives us a common experience.

So when I find myself disappointed in my own looks, I embrace that feeling as one of the things that makes me female.

I hope his helps Joan.

Actually Suzi, yes it does

I understand that but I will need to make an effort to be able to feel satisfied with that. What I want more than anything is just to  go about my life normally as a woman without  looks and stares. For that  natural female looks are what I want. I don't need to be beautiful. Although if I can have it I want that too

Interestingly, I was talking about this to my partner and she offered me this encouragement: 'I hope you can get to somewhere where you're happy with the way you look'. 

And then she said 'but I don't think you ever will because I'm certainly not'.

[Misato]

I understand that but I will need to make an effort to be able to feel satisfied with that. What I want more than anything is just to  go about my life normally as a woman without  looks and stares.

I did karaoke in a bar with my historical voice last week. No one looked or stared and I was trying to put on a show.

Two times this year I was stunned to learn some cis women I know had been mis-gendered.

When people see you're happy they seem to leave you alone and gender you appropriately. If you're struggling and suffering in their eyes, and transition plays a role in your suffering in their eyes, then they might say something as you will have touched their natural compassion to help you. Sure there are bullies too but by being confident in yourself they seem to not be a problem. At least in my anecdotal experience.

[kathyk]

...
Has everyone found that time brings acceptance?
...

...
For me, the key was attitude.
...

I wouldn't say time brought acceptance of my looks, it brought acceptance of who I was as a woman.  And as Suzi said it's attitude that makes the woman.  I'm not beautiful, and you know what?  I rarely even think about it.  I had issues in a part-time life, but after going full-time my life became more real, and complete as a woman.

I hated it when other girls would say "Don't worry, you'll get there." because I swore they didn't know me or how I see myself.  But now I admit they were right.  I got there,... and past there.  So I'm not going to say it to you.  It's already implied. 

So just be yourself.  You've let the woman out, now let her be alive.  Always.

[Ashey]

Oddly enough, I stopped seeing a guy in the mirror. I look at myself and just register as female. Sure I frown at some of the more masculine traits that I still need to work on, but otherwise I have a hard time seeing a guy anymore. And I've tried.. I just ended up looking 'butch'. xD 

I think the difference is losing the doubt, and leaving the 'guy' behind. I feel like all I'm doing is moving forward, and going back is an impossibility now. There was and is no future for me as a guy, so only the real me remains. Even if I had any doubts, I'd just push on the only way that I can.

[LordKAT]

There is a reason so many of us can't/couldn't look in a mirror without suffering massive dysphoria. Sometimes showering is too much incongruity. I think when we are making progress, even slow progress, it eases the anxiety part and after a bit the mirror starts to reflect what our mind says it should and we gain acceptance that at least it is better than what you saw before.

[Michelle G]

I'm pretty much ok with my body for now, and with my hair much longer I now feel better when I can hide behind it, that seems to help quite a bit when I glance into the evil mirror!

Hate mirrors

[Joan]

I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the encouragement and the insight that you've all posted here. Thank you all so much

Misato: what a lovely name! No need for dysphoria with how you look. And you Michelle!

LordKAT, Ashey, Kathy: thank you for the words.

It strikes me as kind of ironic that finally letting myself has actually exasperated my dysphoria. I will believe in the progress I am making and I will believe that the mirror will be kinder to me in the future, and that I will be kinder myself to the me in the mirror.

For obvious reasons I never had much confidence in myself as a guy, but I'm going to make it's different now that I'm a girl

[Cindy]

I remember this well. He was always there looking back at me.

One evening I got home and was feeling good, far better than in the past. I walked into my house and looked around and it looked different.

I realised that it was my home.

I looked in the mirror and Cindy looked back at me.

I suddenly realised something. He had died. I had his memories but he had gone.

He had looked after me and protected me but when it was time to be me, he left.

He has never come back.

Even other people asked why I looked so different, it was because I had become the confident woman I am.

It will happen, it will happen.

[Eva Marie]

The image that I see in the mirror swings between a dude and a girl depending on how I'm feeling that day, and from what I've read here this is not an unusual thing for us. When I see a girl in the mirror I know that I'm confident and I know that the world sees a girl too. When I'm less confident and see a dude I've noticed that I seem to get clocked more.

One thing that I do know is that the word sees something other than what I see in the mirror. I've had days where I think I look horrid and people have complemented me. Sometimes we are our own worst critics.

[Oriah]

yes and no.  HRT will change the shape of your face and make it more feminine, but you will only see a girl in the mirror if you let yourself.

I had a problem with looking in the mirror, and seeing the resemblance of my old self convincing myself that I still look like a boy.  It wasn't true.  I looked like a girl.  My face feminized but my features stayed the same.  Unless you get surgery you will always see yourself in your features.  You have to realize that "yourself" is a girl, then you can see the girl in the mirror instead of the boy.

but yes, the hormones, they help

[JoanneB]

In my opinion, HRT is just part of a process involving what you see looking back at you in the mirror. Physical effects vary widely, dependent on many factors. To paraphrase Cindy, a lot is driven by attitude. Taking charge of your life. Doing what you want and NOT what is expected of you. Taking Baby-Steps and making humongous life decisions like HRT are part of the process towards self acceptance.

What you see is what you want to see. When I look in the mirror I still often see that 6 ft tall 250 lb fat bald thing in spite of dropping 100 lbs over 30 years ago. At times while in male mode I also see, as do some friends, Joanne. Thirty years ago in fem mode all I saw was "Some guy in a dress". Today I see a fairly OK looking woman.

Attitude and self-acceptance is the magic pill. (Not so magic, it takes hard work)

[Joanna Dark]

Sometimes yes. Lately not at all. I've only been on a normal dose of hormones for three months though so I should give it time. Though I've been taking hormones since March 1, so I thought I'd look more femme by now. it's almost like im going backward I swear to god. Could upping the spiro dose significantly cause T to increase temporarily?