I finally have a map, but reading it...

[Lavender]

This is just a kind of rant I feel like getting out. The solutions to my issues are easy, heck, they are RIGHT THERE but I can't understand why I can't just do it!

So if you remember my first post here, I was pretty much clueless at what I was to be doing with myself. I've come to the conclusion I definitely DON'T want to be male, but all these steps I need to take to get somewhere is really troubling me. I honestly didn't plan on making it past 18, and now I'm at 19. I didn't care really what happened to me. I wasn't important. The wind carried me for the longest time and it seemed like the only place I'll ever be. I guess you could say I've finally found the one thing I have never had, some sense of direction. Finally, I'm not alive because I have to be, I'm alive because I want to be. That's the thing though...

I don't know what to do to complete all these goals. Finding a job, moving away, getting all these things I'm going to need, talking to a therapist, restarting my entire life and how I am to live from square one just feels insurmountable. I didn't go to college either because I couldn't stand the thought of enduring yet another round of classes. Those things sent me into really dark places. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, just when I have finally found myself, now I have to find my life. I feel so useless and trapped sitting at my parent's house all day with all the pieces and no direction.

[LordKAT]

The best way I can think of is to make an outline of goals.
The first of course being the most major. The next points being big things to get there. The next points are to break each of those down into smaller steps. Keep doing that until the smallest steps are doable and seem easy enough. Then start to eliminate each of the small steps even if they don't all lead to the same goal at the time. Each small step will lead to being able to overcome the next larger step. Every 6 months to a year, re look at and possibly restructure your outline.

It may seem like an exercise in futility but it does help organize your thoughts and plans. Once you have that, you can not only make progress but measure it to an extent. You don't need to put a timeline to it, just goals. The timing doesn't really matter.

[Robin Mack]

It may seem like an exercise in futility but it does help organize your thoughts and plans. Once you have that, you can not only make progress but measure it to an extent. You don't need to put a timeline to it, just goals. The timing doesn't really matter.

Hear, hear!

I drifted, too... I really didn't see much point in living for me.  I lived for others, which was fine, up to a point.  I reached the age of 39 with no long-term goals, no real direction.  I was just existing from crisis to crisis... the only reason I ever even worked was to help others through a crisis.  And here I am, far later down the road than you are.  I feel, though, like I finally have a chance to be who I am, and to show the world the real me... and sometimes I feel like it is too late. 

Then, when I get a chance to cool off and really *think* about it, the only time it is too late to live a life is when it is over.  I wish I had faced my transgendered status a decade or two ago... but I didn't. 

I'm proud of you for facing it so (comparatively) early in life.  Transitioning itself is a huge load on your plate.  If you have the ability, maybe just coasting for a bit while you transition is a good idea.  If you need to work (or even if you don't), maybe you could find work in a transition-friendly low-pay (and low stress) job in the meanwhile.  If you decide, when you are presenting as and treated as your true self for a while that you are ready for college, go then.  I know you are likely under a lot of pressure to go to college and "make something of yourself"... but I can tell you from personal experience that you need to have the drive and determination to do that.  Such determination will be easier when you see the real you looking back from the mirror.

As to what LordKAT (a wise and wonderful man), he's right on the money.  Life isn't a race to the finish.  Write down your goals, and over time flush out the details about how to achieve them.  I'd suggest making transitioning goal #1, with anything required to get you there as steps to achieve that.  There will be a place for trade school or college after that step, if you like, after that.

*hug*

[Lavender]

Thank you <3 I can always count on you all. I suppose there isn't really much to do besides keep calm and do it. I'm just worried sometimes I'm gonna fall back, but I think that worry gets a little smaller every day.

[Robin Mack]

*hug*  We all seem to fall back from time to time, Lavender... it's human.  I've discovered that I do the same thing my kids did as they reached a developmental milestone.  You'll make a leap forward (or prepare to) and then something in the mind isn't ready to let go of the old idea or way of thinking yet.  It's trying to keep you safe, but in transition (or in any kind of growth) it can have the opposite effect for a while. 

Please just be patient with yourself when this happens... it can be hard to do; it can seem like the world is over and all hope is lost, sometimes.  The important thing to remember is that these times will (and do) pass.  Reach out for support, in real life and here, when/if this happens to you.  We've all been there, and we want to help.

*hug*

Sometimes it seems like it's two steps forward and one step back... but it does get better with time. 

[Jamie D]

This is just a kind of rant I feel like getting out. The solutions to my issues are easy, heck, they are RIGHT THERE but I can't understand why I can't just do it!

So if you remember my first post here, I was pretty much clueless at what I was to be doing with myself. I've come to the conclusion I definitely DON'T want to be male, but all these steps I need to take to get somewhere is really troubling me. I honestly didn't plan on making it past 18, and now I'm at 19. I didn't care really what happened to me. I wasn't important. The wind carried me for the longest time and it seemed like the only place I'll ever be. I guess you could say I've finally found the one thing I have never had, some sense of direction. Finally, I'm not alive because I have to be, I'm alive because I want to be. That's the thing though...

I don't know what to do to complete all these goals. Finding a job, moving away, getting all these things I'm going to need, talking to a therapist, restarting my entire life and how I am to live from square one just feels insurmountable. I didn't go to college either because I couldn't stand the thought of enduring yet another round of classes. Those things sent me into really dark places. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, just when I have finally found myself, now I have to find my life. I feel so useless and trapped sitting at my parent's house all day with all the pieces and no direction.

It does not hurt to take some time off from school.  But in the long run, unless you are highly artistic, college or a trade will become essential.

We have quite a few young (college age or younger) people here on the site, who are at crossroads in their lives.  Many have found that getting out of the house and going to college was a positive change of pace.  It is all in how you approach your studies.  When you are doing something you really like, it is not "work," but more like an adventure.