Hello everyone,
I have now for a very long time known something was just not right, I never had the nerve to talk about it on a forum before. I didn't know then because I was too young, but after my mid teens or so I started to put everything together. For as long as I can remember, I have been a calm and quiet person and never liked being violent or aggressive. This coupled with my connection to my emotions and femininity had me at a very huge disadvantage growing up as a child in a religiously charge area and in a culture that valued the "macho".
Liking to wear makeup, sneaking on my mother's underwear when I was 6 and feeling so happy and comfortable. Always wondered why I had to feel bad that I liked both robots AND dolls, that I was soft spoken and socialized with girls for more than just getting laid. I had many family members even wonder or downright believe I was gay; in a way, they were right I suppose.
Talking about how I felt inside about who and what I KNEW I was, most people feigned understanding, others blurted out quips like " You are just going through a phase", "you didn't have a solid father figure in your life", "You can't sex change to a woman just to be a lesbian, that's CHEATING!" That last one was the most hurtful and puzzling. A lot of people seemed to have no concept of the separation of sexuality and gender identity and thought I was a gay man wanting to have sex with males as a woman, not a lesbian inside a male body.
For a long time I felt like I was some sort of criminal, a pervert condemned to hell on one side, and a gender cheater and "never a REAL woman" on other circles. Pain and depression constantly, and I never could tell anyone in my family, for none of them actually could understand and vocally condemned someone such as I. I turned to my art as an escape, drawing fashion and features that sent me into my own little sanctuary of hope and imagination of me being free to be who I am. Many a night waking up in tears after a dream where I was finally, FINALLY female shattered into the reality of my dark bedroom.
I turned to online gaming to see if I could have a pastime that someone artistically inclined (and a fan of science fiction and fantasy) could get into. It worked for a while, with me still being afraid of being "found out" I chose a male avatar instead of my instinctually female impulse. It was fun but i still felt dishonest, meeting new people in a space where I could have truly introduced as female and actually (ironically) been more honest than in person. After some disastrous "relationships" online and some very liberating flings as a gay female character, I was sort of in a hollow place. Never really feeling understood or "myself".
After some turns of circumstance I had my first real relationship at 18 and embarassingly, my first kiss. Looking back I feel like I was somewhat karmically connected to certain women, every single one I went further than just casual meeting and friendship had actually been identified as bisexual and I somehow felt that my inner femininity was a deciding factor in their attraction to me. That factor made me entertain the idea that someday i could tell "the truth".
As "happily ever after" as I wish it was, the truth of the relationship and the person proved too much to bear and a bad breakup ensued. I was so depressed I stayed in bed and barely came out for more than necessities (sometimes not even eating) for near a month. Being coaxed by a friend to get out of my rut, I went back into the online world, what once seemed whimsical and adventurous now seemed dull and a nerdy obsession that I somehow should be ashamed of. Going along with a group of fellow adventurers we proceed to assault a fortress of bad guys with 2 other individuals. When everyone was AFK for a break I stayed on and was approached by the only female character in our group. She was proud of having received a pair of very attractive mail pants and was calling them her "sexy pants".
In my bitter funk I very politely yet sullenly asked for her to refrain from talking about any flirtations. Being curious she asked what was wrong, and was tenderly insistent. Little did I know that a small chat with a stranger grew to friendship, grew to companionship and eventually grew to love. When it came time to exchange information about how we looked I was nervous. " I may be hideous, or you wouldn't like my hair..' I went off with a laundry list of insecure reasons. She let me know how silly i was being and said " Young, old, skinny, fat, man, WOMAN, I love WHO you are no matter WHAT you are."
My heart was aflutter at those words. After months of Skype and picture exchanges, I decided to visit her, I wasn't living in Canada at the time but she was. I took the nerve wracking trip and the moment I arrived at that airport and saw her I dropped my luggage in that sappy movie way and we rushed to each other and we kissed for what seemed like a second and forever all at the same time. After that we spent time together, she flew over to live with me, we got married there and had a false alarm for parenthood. (It didn't work well with the state of things but we eventually moved to Canada and have stayed ever since.)
Before the move back, I had one of the scariest moments in my life: Telling my wife about the real me. I knew she was a tolerant, kind soul, someone who did not believe in labels or judging, but that didn't stop me from being scared >-bleeped-<less. I blurted out what I thought was a coherent statement, about my true feelings, how I feared I would not be loved by my family and how she would reject me if I wasn't able to 'father" a child for us. It did not go well because of the fact that in my addled and blabbering way I had made her think i was just biding time and was going to leave once I made the transition but I was waiting to impregnate her first( with how blunt and vulgar that sounded I wouldn't blame her being upset.).
She stomped away and in desperation I let my mother know in as light a way possible "I SOMETIMES WISH I was a girl." Not "Mom I am your daughter!", not " I KNOW I am a woman in my heart and soul."
Mom seemed surprised but ok, I later learned she wasn't but she went with it and took my wife out with her to talk. I was nervous for the next 2 hours, crying and pacing, not knowing if this meant losing the greatest love I had. When they came back I just stood there in tears, and all she did was rush to me and hug me, whispering " I love you" over and over. I knew then that she indeed was my soulmate.
After moving to Canada and having multiple problems with work and housing we had a good setup to get on our feet with the help of her family. I resumed to talk to her in detail about myself and how I felt. She had some misconceptions that we cleared up, I was NOT into men and I was not desiring her to change for me or be "butch". I loved her just for being her and I wanted her to know that it wasn't a phase or that i wanted a certain style change. To this day I am not 100% sure if she is totally comfortable with it and if we were to have a child, she asked that I not transition for the confusion of daddy suddenly being another mommy. She was ok with it happening before a child, wether I still kept my genitals or we ended up adopting, which she was more than ok there being two mommies from the start.
Now, after reconnecting with my mom after her divorce and being in a family house again, there is a bittersweet sense to it. We have thanksgiving and Christmas together again and I have mended relations with my sister, who after having our dad leave, seemed to project the resentment of the "man" who left on me when I was living apart from her. The huge problem now is that, even though my stepdad is good to her and has her genuinely happy, he has DEEP religious and philosophical ideals that lead towards misogynistic tendencies. I had a "talk" with him and I was mortified, I didn't know wether to cry or punch him. Things like " As the logical gender..", " We are predispositioned by nature to provide and not be told what to do.", " It says in the bible that no man should EVER be submissive to a woman."
All of those words might as well have been daggers stabbing me in the heart. When I told my wife, the anger and indignation was palpable, she decided to tolerate it for the sake of harmony and that we had no other place to go til we got enough income to set out on our own.
It is in this situation, after giving this novel of a life story, that I come here to these forums. I know I have the support of my wife, even though I still sense SOMETHING bothers her about it but not the fact that it is who I am. I know I have the support of my sister, even though I have not told her, she is kind and accepting and struggling with her own sexuality and feeling insecure. I would not want to burden her with my own problems as she is developing, but I will sure as hell be there as her undercover big sister always. My mom is mostly tolerant, she has a lot of traditional upbringing to shake, and i cannot ever tell her how much it hurts when she makes seemingly displeased comments towards transsexuals or crossdressers on TV.
So it is with trepidation and being extremely scared, with still a lot of questions that i set myself out on the community, to help better understand myself and others and make the day a bit brighter by knowing I have kindred spirits out there.
Thank you for taking the time to read this <3
