I've been thinking about it a lot lately, I'd say more than I should be, but realistically... not thinking about this stuff would be irresponsible of me.
There are some very terrifying things for me, and beyond everything else, for me that is: Losing my libido, and changing my sexual preference. Worst, the former is all but assured with HRT and the latter is incredibly likely. Literally every fantasy I have of being a girl involves being super horny, and also being attracted to girls.
I have a raging libido and it's pretty core to who I am as a person. Additionally, I'm completely infatuated with girls, and totally unattracted to guys. I think penises are hot, especially big ones, and I like the idea of anal, and even oral sex... but I have zero attraction to guys. If HRT made me bisexual I would be okay with that. What I could not ever be okay with however would be becoming unattracted to females and exclusively becoming attracted to males. I just couldn't deal with that.
So those two things happening, for me, are the most terrifying things I can think of.
I hate body hair, and it's way too much work to keep up with it all as a guy. I'll have it removed... all of it. That's a certainty. Even if I have nothing else at all done, I will have that done.
I'd like large breasts and a big butt; so, breast and butt augmentation are probably going to happen too. I'd need a tummy tuck at some point anyways, so it'd be pointless not to have a butt augmentation and if I'm getting that done why not get breasts too?
I have a fairly feminine face... I don't like my nose, mostly the profile, so I'll get that changed. If I'm going to present as a girl I'd like poutier lips too, so that'll all probably happen.
I really want a girl's voice too, so that's something I definitely want to do. I'm too self conscious and too easily embarrassed to do it with voice training, even if I'm home alone with literally no one in miles that could hear me.. so the surgery is the only way.
So at this point with butt & breast augmentation, a bit of female facial feminization, and voice feminization surgery.. I can effectively present as female with zero difficulty and I'll have a rather voluptuous body without needing hormones to get it.
I can't get SRS without the hormones... the psychological effects of the hormones terrify me... So, I don't know... I really don't know. If I already see myself as female mentally, if my inner voice is already female, and the only thing that isn't is my body... why do I need the hormones? To fit someone else's guideline for how a girl should be? Ridiculous. I'm already a girl mentally, and seriously altering my brain chemistry is terrifying.
I'm not too optimistic about SRS in general, from all the results I've seen. I don't want to disenfranchise anyone else with my worries but I haven't seen any that look like what I'd call a perfect genitals, or even designer genitals. Most look pretty gross (I realize a lot of cisgender girls have gross looking ones too but let's be real: this is aesthetic plastic surgery, and it should look ideal and how we want), a lot don't even look passable to me. And then there's the scars on the pubic mound, because that's a thing... and since I want to be smooth and hairless down there and scar easily they'd be very visible.
I could wear tight pants, or swimsuits, but... I don't have genital dysphoria at all. I have gender dsyphoria (diagnosed by my therapist even, on every account), but... I like my penis, and I'm okay with my testicles. They don't cause me any emotional distress whatsoever. Maybe having an erection in a tight dress would be a bit scary, but that's about as far as my fear over my genitals goes. Well, I mean... I'd like it to be bigger... but that's pretty normal.
It's not just the appearance, either. The increased difficulty reaching orgasm, the lack of lubrication, and the fact that it's not a true to natal vaginal experience is pretty big too. And well, then we go back to the fact that you can't get SRS without seriously mind altering hormones.
I'm so concerned over the psychological changes that even if there was a surgeon that'd do an SRS without HRT, and even if it was a proper real natal vagina, like 3D printed with stem cells and the real deal... with the fear of those psychological changes... I might still want to just replace my natural hormone balance that was lost without changing my hormone balance to cisgender female levels. I don't want the mental changes. In fact... I kind of wonder if they could just take the testes and put them up in there analogous to where ovaries would be if they could just keep on producing testosterone and the other hormones I'd need to remain healthy, without the need to depend on hormones from some external source, and with no mind altering effects.
Anyways, those are my thoughts right now... I'll have to bring them up with my therapist the next time I see him, but I'll have to get a job before that happens.
Also.... Is it completely insane that I think having internal testes, retaining a penis, and also having a vulva + vagina would be ideal? Like, basically a futanari.
Mod Edit: Post language cleaned up under TOS 11