Non-transitioning and presentation (and hormones)

[E-Brennan]

For those of you (us?) who are not planning on transitioning, how does this affect your presentation?  Do you present as your birth gender most of the time?  Just special occasions?  Birth gender inside work and in your public life, and actual gender in your private life?

And do you find that this is a good way of coping with the idea that you're not transitioning?

Last, are you able to take any hormones, or is that something you're also not able to do while staying in the non-transitioning category?

Thx!

[gennee]

I spend a lot of time in my preferred gender. I pass pretty well and more and more I'm seen as female. I'm equally comfortable navigating these waters but I know that the current can change.

[DriftingCrow]

At work, I am always presenting as my birth gender. I don't pass well enough to go in the clothing of my preferred gender, and it's a conservative profession where you kind of need to not stand out too much clothing-wise.

At school, I sometimes wear male clothing, I did all the time for a few months. Now, I wear whatever is on top -- men or women's clothing. Everyone at school knows I am FAAB, so dressing in male clothes doesn't fool anyone. Clothing wise, it's the same for trips to the store, out to eat, etc.

At home, I am usually in workout clothes.

Knowing I am not going to transition (at least anytime in the near future) affects how I choose to present. Since I am non-passable except as a young boy in some circumstances, I don't feel like dressing in male clothing in daily life is an accurate reflection of my true self. I am male, not a butch lesbian, not a confused woman, not someone who is lacking in fashion sense (well, that's debatable  ), or someone to be stared at or have things like my sexual preference assumed about by strangers. While I am not female, I'd sometimes rather be viewed as female in public that something else. Clothes to me aren't a huge deal, since clothes don't define who I am either, so it doesn't really matter much to me that I sometimes wear female clothes (and hey, my jeans from the women's section of Express are so comfortable and they fit perfectly and I could wear them everyday). I am also kind of poor right now, so I already had a lot of female clothes in my closet that fit good and look good on me, while I find it very difficult to find good fitting male clothes. I am often stuck in the boy's section, buying juvenile looking clothes; I can't really afford to get an entire new wardrobe of male clothes that's ordered from a Japanese on-line clothing store for small men.

If I knew I was going to transition soon, I'd probably have a different attitude. If I was going to expect people to see me as male and address me as male, clothing would be a lot more important to me, since many people do define you at first glance based on your physical presentation. I would be saving money, and slowly purchasing clothes from those Japanese shops, and buying male suits and business casual items that I could wear to work.

This seems to be a good way of coping with not transitioning, because I am able to balance dressing in a way that keeps me anonymous among strangers (which I want, I don't always like sticking out) along with being free to wear what I want and not being tied down to a strict set of rules that's self-imposed.

Last, are you able to take any hormones, or is that something you're also not able to do while staying in the non-transitioning category?

As far as I know, I am able to take hormones. I haven't seen a doctor about it, but I have no medical conditions that I am aware of. If I was on hormones, I'd consider myself to be transitioning, because I'd likely be more passable in daily life, and there's also only so long I'd be able to keep things in the closet before it just becomes too obvious. This thread may help illustrate that "non-transitioning" label means different things to different people, so some think you can still be "non-transitioning" even if you're on hormones and/or had surgery.

[JustEmily]

Well, I surely don't pass at this point, so I am pretty much housebound when I dress, and I have obligations that keep me from pursuing exterior changes (aside from beard removal) any time in the near future.

As far as the inside, I can become more of what I am and find peace there, and be a trans advocate in any way I can. 

So mentally I feel I am changing, out in the world I can be a voice of support and information affecting one person at a time.

[Cindy Stephens]

I present as male in public as I am not passable.  I have a very male oriented job.  At home, it is feminine attire.  I take hormones (7 years) and have had my beard removed.  My wife is very accepting but society - not so much.  I have fairly obvious boobs but no one asks about it.  I have several snappy retorts that I haven't been able to use.  My family is all aware but haven't as yet been confronted.  I just this week was able to sign up for health care under the ACA, so my job is no longer as important.  With a happy marriage I had always felt guilty at the possibility of us losing health care coverage which in US tied you to you job like a slave.  I found that the hormones cut the dysphoria to a point that I could live with.

[E-Brennan]

Thanks for the replies.  Beard removal?  What does that look like?  Does the face just look freshly-shaved?

[Sarah Rose]

I don't feel I could pass so I dress as a male in public, however at home, at work (i work at home), with friends... and hopefully soon enough at family outings I'll dress as you see me in my avatar.

[DriftingCrow]

Thanks for the replies.  Beard removal?  What does that look like?  Does the face just look freshly-shaved?

A cis make Co worker of mine got laser hair removal on his face because he was sick of shaving. It looked like a clean-shaved face but smoother, pours seemed smaller, and no irritation.

[Jamiep]

Fortunately I do seem passable in public. I am retired so a job doesn't factor into my situation. Because of that I am able to dress female as much as I can although there are family & friends that do not know & social outings that I have to be in my birth gender of male. A good part of family, friends & relatives do know, so we can discuss gender & I have been invited to or on occasion get to visit in my chosen female gender. Not totally out but not too bad, I do get to express this girl.

In the last year, through a gender Doctor we found out that due to my age of 72 my body can't handle the chemical wars of hormones, along with my Endo we concurred that I should not continue hormones & be Happy to live in my status quo. I am not interested in any invasive painful surgeries at my age & if the plumbing still works, don't fix it.

Breast augmentation for implants & beard laser/electrolysis is way to expensive to have done. So breast forms plus close shaves & good make up covers the beard and it is life as usual.

Fortunately I am a Happy person and all that I have learned in the last 10 years gives me a positive attitude that I don't get down much & being able to dress about 75% of each week of my life as the female that I am, Jamie feels very fortunate & lucky to live my life the way I want to. 
Cheers
Jamie

[insideontheoutside]

I would say I'm androgynous but most people in public error on the side of female when addressing me. A friend of mine brought up an interesting theory on this which was he thought most people would think a woman would be offended by being called a man in public, but most guys who have feminine characteristic would just laugh it off or not be offended if they were called women by mistake. Ergo, 98% of the time people will either address me as female or go out of their way to not use any pronoun when dealing with me.

Honestly though, I would be most happy if the public saw me as an eccentric little dude who was artsy and wasn't afraid of fashion (I say little because I am only 5'2" ... which between that and the fact that the facial hair I do have is not noticeable at all probably adds to people's assumptions on the female front). I'll take androgynous or "unknown" over female as well.

[JoanneB]

For decades I "got by" allowing myself the occasional escape from manhood by cross-dressing at home. I had two prior experiments at transitioning under my belt, felt I could never pass, and opted to try to be as "normal" as I could. It kind of sort of worked for years untill life, and especially guilt, got in the way. Far more important things needed doing. Spending an entire day indulging myself was a waste of time. It wasn't like I was preparing myself for a possible transition. Been there, tried it. Not for me.

Worked out fine till life got in the way.... in very real terms. There is only so much beating down of your emotional needs one can do. I got to the point of trying to keep too many corks under water a few years back. I needed to seriously change things, starting with the root cause of most of my life's disasters, the way I was handling being trans. (actually more like not handling it by that time)

I eventually got to the point of living part time as female, doing drab for work but spent an overwhelming majority of my free time as female. Once again I started HRT. It worked wonders in the past to help with an emotional reset of the brain. My life became joyous once again. I was happy. Thanks to all the self work I was doing accepting myself for who and what I am got easier. Thanks to the help of HRT coupled with my change in attitudes, I finally felt happy being in my own skin.

Life changed a lot. I got a dream job again which meant other changes. Where I live now mostly part time is out of the question. My presenting as female is limited to in the house for now while financial and other obligations are being addressed. I wake up every morning and the first thing I see is Joanne. WHen I don't, I have a miserable day. I also have easy access to a gender therapist to help me figure out what to do if or when I come to that fork in the road. More importantly is helping me to stay focused on the joys and wonderfull things taking place in my life now. To stop worrying as I do about tomorrows. (An occupational hazard for me).

The time I tried cutting back on HRT these past few years did not go well. While I know through the force of will I can. Why? I sure don't want to revert to that miserable old man I was. Same for the presenting I do get to do. Attending my TG group meetings, and seeing a therapist.

[Arcee]

I've got a (very heterosexual) sweetheart and two older kids (11 and 15), so transition is pretty much out of the question unless I didn't care about losing them. So, I've been trying to push my presentation as androgynous as possible without making my SO uncomfortable. Right now that means gender-neutral clothing, pretty evenly split between the men's and women's departments, shaved legs (I'm a cyclist, which gives me plausible deniability), and longish hair that can go either way depending on how I style it. I'm planning to start HRT next month, although we'll probably start with a low dose to try and minimize the secondary sex characteristics (as much as I'd like to have hips and boobs, it would be a huge turn-off for her). I'm also seriously considering beard removal, because I stay clean-shaven anyway and that would eliminate a lot of the Fred Flintstone effect. That presentation is pretty much the same at work, home, and in public; dressing privately doesn't really do anything for my dysphoria anymore, so I generally don't bother.

[Taka]

my thoughts are wandering a little too far. i just read "penetration" in the title...

i've pretty much given up on transition for the time being. it's not possible unless i suddenly turn 120% binary, and get a wish to push away most of my family and acquaintances. i'd do something if only it were possible to get a nice and slow transition to something not so extreme in this country. but the health system might still take a few years to get there.

i don't really care much about presenting. i cut my hair the way i want to, and that's as far as i go in trying to look less feminine. can't cut off hips and breasts myself. and since i kind of like skirts, i still wear them when that's the option i can locate first. at home i could care even less about what i wear than in public, so things tend to not even match.

but online, i insist on being no more or less than my real self. seems that is mostly male. people who shouldn't be able to remember me all that well from time to time, don't even doubt my maleness when i start talking about yaoi. i wish i could be all my personal history and parts of my real life online, but i've a feeling most people will only accept either or. so i give them the side i'm most comfortable with.

[Shantel]

I present as male in public as I am not passable.  I have a very male oriented job.  At home, it is feminine attire.  I take hormones (7 years) and have had my beard removed.  My wife is very accepting but society - not so much.  I have fairly obvious boobs but no one asks about it.  I have several snappy retorts that I haven't been able to use.  My family is all aware but haven't as yet been confronted.  I just this week was able to sign up for health care under the ACA, so my job is no longer as important.  With a happy marriage I had always felt guilty at the possibility of us losing health care coverage which in US tied you to you job like a slave.  I found that the hormones cut the dysphoria to a point that I could live with.

This is pretty much my story too although I'm retired and present androgynously. I've been on HRT for the better part of 20 years and initially was headed at warp speed to full-on female but in spite of the feminizing effects of hormones my brain finally came back to center and I had an epiphany as I began to realize that no way in hell will I ever be passable. I got tired of constant electrolysis and had the feeling that I had become the electrologist's personal ATM so I quit at about 50% cleared and though I still shave I look pretty presentable as is. I had gone right up to setting a SRS date but opted out as no-one will ever see the great workmanship anyway and my spouse likes me the way I am. So my VA endocrinologist is confused as to why I prefer to remain as an androgynous person, but as we know the cis world is uncomfortable unless we can fit into one of two gender classifications only. I enjoy confusing him and a lot of other people along the way. I love the voice threads and cheer for those that have become successful but personally I'm too lazy to care about my own voice which is tenor and so I speak softly and politely to people and don't have any problems because of it. I get ma-am'ed and sired equally and take it all in stride and am not the least bit offended either way. Someone had the nerve to ask me once if I am male or female and I surprised him by saying, "take your pick, either one!"  It would be nice if forms had a third box besides male or female, maybe other?

[kelly_aus]

Someone had the nerve to ask me once if I am male or female and I surprised him by saying, "take your pick, either one!"  It would be nice if forms had a third box besides male or female, maybe other?

I'm somewhat less binary than I appear.. My response to that question is usually, 'Your choice!'.

[Shantel]

I'm somewhat less binary than I appear.. My response to that question is usually, 'Your choice!'.

[Satinjoy]

Helpful stuff here

I live as a male but am on hormones, am wired female, and consider myself preop without seriously considering SRS.  It is too convenient to live male, much easier on wife and kids, and I am comfortable enough in my rather unusual identity that I can be physically female under the clothes and visually male to those outside.  Unless you look at my nails.  LOL.  I have two solid A's that should develop to B.  8 months on estrogen now, and 55 years old.

I feel very fortunate to live like this.  I wouldn't dare try to pass on the outside.  And I keep a beard for my wifes sake, through some kind of divine intervention by Christ my marrage was preserved and my boundaries of comfort/ discomfort met up with hers.  I love her deeply.  I have to be careful of her needs too.

Hormones did not change the dysphoria but the fetishistic side went way down.  Now I just feel comfortable and happy. 

I can't live without the hormones.  I would go insane.  Fast.  Its the emotions, the mind.  I believe I was born transitioned, by a drug called DES, and it took 55 years to figure it out. 

Enjoy everyone. Hang in there.

[JustEmily]

Hormones did not change the dysphoria but the fetishistic side went way down.  Now I just feel comfortable and happy. 

Hoo boy, mine did too.  What a lifesaver.  I no longer feel gross and frantic about needing to dress... I just feel like me. (although I may still be those and not realize it.)  But my wife says "stay on them" whenever I have doubts.

I am a very different person than that sad, dejected girl I was before.

[Arcee]

Hormones did not change the dysphoria but the fetishistic side went way down.  Now I just feel comfortable and happy. 

Yes please, I'll have what she's having! The fetishistic compulsions drive me absolutely up the wall.

[Satinjoy]

Those last 2 comments just helped me.  I feel validated, not so alone.  I always feel weird being a stage 4 and Benjamin doesn't fit my profile well, after a year of therapy, neither my therapist nor myself can classify me.  What is certain is that I desperately need the hormones to stay sane - a stage 4 trait - and that with the support of the forum I can rest it not being alone and consumed by my dysphoria.  I keep thinking the true TS's will look down on me for being able to live in both worlds, and I think that may not be true.  I'm strange I have a 100% female body programming but my thought processes are generally male (probably by abusive conditioning), I dont fit the erroneous blanchard model and I dnot fit benjimin either.  Thank God my docs were able to figure out that hormones were necessary, and wrote my letter in consensus.

It's been a tough, long path to walk, and I've been lucky.  I choose to present as male, for convenience, for business, for family needs.  Look under the hood, or under the dress or now the shirt,  and you'll find something much different.

Thank you for making a difference.