My mom kind of accepts me...and doesn't accept me.

[lavini557]

*sigh...
So my parents got me out of the closet again (I went out before, but it didn't go well) because they noticed I seemed to always be thinking about something, and they took it a little better. They were like "Ok, we'll let you grow out your hair." Seemed promising to me then.

However, I think they don't understand the whole thing and still want to change my mind and hope that this is just a phase. My parents keep saying things like, "Oh, you're so handsome, my little prince," or "You know, I heard that girls really like guys that are shy and like to draw." Seriously? WTF. Also, my mom keeps telling me I shouldn't visit any sites or do research on trans-related stuff because it will "influence me". They keep telling me, "We never thought about changing gender or anything when we were kids. I mean, Dad was insecure about his body hair, but that was just a phase. You'll get out of it." I'm not sure if they really will let me grow my hair .

What I'm seriously mad about, though, is that they won't see a psychiatrist, gender therapist, or anything like that.

Well, I did talk to my mom today while we were on the way to our pediatrician to get a vaccine (I don't know what vaccine because my mom didn't tell me). I seriously told her that I really need to talk to someone that actually knows what they're talking about. She said that she would think about it, and she talked to my pediatrician. He did recommend two places (one's a psychologist kind of place, and another's a counseling place), but when I checked their sites, both don't mention anything about gender dysphoria or anything like that. I asked, "Why can't we just look up one on the internet? Both the places the pediatrician gave us don't mention anything about gender dysphoria or anything like that."

Guess what? She thinks that everybody in the psychology/psychiatric field is a scam. If they don't change their patient's mind (I told her that there's a good chance that the gender therapist will be unable to change my mind), then it's pointless. Like talking to a wall. Basically, "If they don't change people's minds, they're crap."

I don't know what to do...I mean, if she doesn't accept me by the time I'm 18, I could go off on my way, but I don't know if I will kill myself by then. I can't focus on schoolwork and I don't want to socialize because it makes my dysphoria worse and I feel excluded (especially because guys and girls go off in their own groups). The only thing that's keeping me from committing suicide is knowing that it will get better, but I'm even starting to doubt that now. *sigh...

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Keep talking to you parents...

every day if you have to , tell them about you having suicidal thoughts,pretty much tell them everything you feel, again and again...

eventually...you ll see progress im sure about it.

[LordKAT]

A good therapist can do wonders, they don't have to specialize or be a 'gender' therapist. Use what you have available.

[Natalia]

It is hard, I know, because my mother isn't accepting me too. She also thinks this is just some silly phase. Also about therapists lol my mother thinks my therapist is putting crazy ideas in my mind and that I am being influenced by her.

Try to print some about transsexualism and gender disphoria material and show to them. They need to understand that this is not just some phase you are passing. You need to be persistent.
Also, get together all the clues you have about you doing or liking feminine things. Remember them about that.

You can also take some tests about ->-bleeped-<- (I know they are not very accurate, but your mother doen't need to know, right?). COGIATI, for example....I got 240, classification four, probable transexual...then I printed it and showed to my mom.

If anything seems to work, try to show them how feminine you are...change your hair/clothes/mannerisms. Your parents need to know the real you. Make them realize you don't want to get older as a boy.

Also a therapist is a great idea...I know it must be harder for you because you are under 18, but it is very important for you. I am sure that once your family understands they will need to agree about seeing a therapist.

[Missy~rmdlm]

A mystery shot? What the heck... It could be anything good like flu or HPV, which your mom to too embarrassed to talk about. No matter it tells me a lot.

The worse case would have been a shot of T, which will have absolutely no effect at your age and is laughably ignorant.

Regardless, short of her trying conversion therapy(arguably child abuse) you just need to wait her out for independent living.

[lavini557]

I started to talk to my mom about how I'm depressed and suicidal. Let's just say that it didn't go very well.
Here's kind of how the conversation went:
Me: Um, Mom...I'm pretty depressed these days?
Mom: You are? Well, almost everybody seems to be depressed. I get depressed, the people at church get depressed...it's probably because of the weather and not doing anything. You'll get out of it if you stand up and be productive.
Me: Well, I'm depressed about...that.
Mom: [Silence]...Oh. That. Geez...how many times have I told you that you just need to change your mind?
Me: You make it sound way too easier than it actually is 
Mom: Well, have you tried?
Me: Yes. I've already told you. I tried it so many times. It doesn't work, Mom.
Mom: Why do you want to change your body? Do you know how much hormones and surgery wreck your body? You're a normal growing boy! You should be focused on high school - it's the most important part of your life!
Me: Well, I think going on hormones and surgery so my mind and body match would be a lot better than living like how I am now.
Mom: Honey, do you know why I even agreed to see a therapist in the first place? To change that confused mind of yours! Just stop thinking people as male and female and just think of all of them as people - with no separation.
Me: First of all, you've told me this before. Second of all, are you kidding me? 
Mom: Or you could just pretend that you're a girl. Don't get married and you're all set.
Me: Mo- wait what? Why are you talking about marriage?
Mom: Because it's easier to imagine yourself as a girl that way. So you can be happy and not screw up your body.
Me: [facepalms so hard in my head that my hand goes through my head]
Mom: Besides, you believe in God, right? God wants you to live like how he created you.
Me: Ok, fine. I want to ask you something.
Mom: Yes?
Me: Say there was a baby in a mother's womb. However, the baby has a condition where if it comes out, it will die in a matter of seconds because of the condition it was born with. BUT...if it is born a specific way, the baby can live. (I got this from a film called "The Boy in the Bubble". I think the disease was SKABS or something like that - no idea how to spell it). What would you choose?
Mom: To let the baby live, of course.
Me: Doesn't that contradict your previous statement? You said that God wants everyone to live how He created them, but you just said that medical intervention to let the baby live is OK. Something that God did not want, according to you.
Mom: Well...your case is different. You're not going to die.
Me: What if I told you I'm suicidal?
Mom: Oh, you're suicidal? You shouldn't be. You have such a happy life compared to other people. Other people starve to death, while you want to screw up your body. Maybe I should really send you to Haiti and see what the people there are like.
Me: Mom, do you know how much I'm suffering right now? Because my mind and body don't match?
Mom: I think they match just fine.
Me: How would you know? You're not me.
Mom: I've been taking care of you since you were born. Of course I know what you are like. And to me, you're just a normal boy who's confused because you're attracted to girls, which makes you think you want to be a girl.
Me: Mom, are you being se-
Mom: You need to stop looking up this stuff. It keeps making you think what you're not. I want a normal boy, not some messed up unrecognizable crap. I saw what trans people looked like in TV shows before you were born, and I can't acknowledge that it's a real thing. You're a boy. A BOY.

At this point, I just got so mad. So so mad. I just left the room and said, "I don't want to continue this right now." SERIOUSLY? I don't know if I should keep talking to her again. When I kept talking to my parents when I first opened up the closet to them, I kept talking to them about it because I always kept thinking about it. They got so mad, and they kept getting madder. Should I just keep talking? Or do you think the same thing will happen again like when I first opened up to them?

Also, just to clarify about the vaccine - I think I was too vague. It wasn't a mystery shot. Basically, a few months ago, the pediatrician and my mom arranged a date for me to get this vaccine (the day being MLK day). The pediatrician never showed me the paper that is usually shown before getting a vaccine (if he did, I don't remember it). My mom later told me today that it was a shot for preventing breast cancer. She wasn't trying to hide the contents of the vaccine or anything. Sorry for being too vague - it wasn't that important in my first post, so I didn't really elaborate on it.

[LordKAT]

There is no vaccine to prevent breast cancer, unless you are a mouse or 10 years in the future maybe.
Clinical trials lasting 5 years are set to start next year. Even if you were part of that, you have to be already diagnosed with cancer.

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/giving/where-to-give/tuohy_vaccine.aspx

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Keep talking about it...

I ve been there , my mom would pretty much say the same things to me...it took some time before she finally accepted me.
So dont give up

btw how is your appearance?
I mean if you look 100% as a guy its only normal for others to see you as a guy, but if you look more feminine then its only easier for others to accept that you are not a guy...I dunno just sayin.

[lavini557]

...Oh. Ok. Well, I asked about the vaccine again, and now she's saying that it prevents my penis from being infected - something like that. She keeps changing it, so I'm just going to assume either a) she doesn't want to tell me (actually very unlikely, in my opinion, but I don't know) or b) my pediatrician didn't tell my mom very well about what it is. Or maybe it was mistranslated (we speak Korean). She described it as "Oh, it prevents cancer in the...um, thing that girls have, but also that guys sort of have" when I asked her yesterday. I don't know at this point.

And also, I look like a 100% guy. At least, I think I do. Well, I did seem to start puberty earlier than other guys. Guys at my school were jealous that I have facial hair (in which I'm like, "You're kidding me." At least on the inside). Although I remember one girl at my church who said I act way more feminine than she does. So that might help...

[spacerace]

sounds like the HPV vaccine. they are giving it to male and female people under a certain age now as a default in some places. just an anti-STD (an STD which can eventually trigger cancer sometimes) shot if that is what it is.

[izzy]

My mom thinks all therapists are horrible and they make their patients worse off than what they are. My mom cant acknowledge that being trans is real or changing gender is a sin in her eyes. Some parents are just very rigid in their views and there is nothing to change them.

[lavini557]

So...it's just a HPV vaccine? Ok, good to know

Also, I was just wondering, but what if the therapist misdiagnosed me? Does it mean I have to wait until I'm 18?

I'm so freaking depressed...These days, I think I keep trying to avoid anything social (even though my counselor says that I should go to social stuff) like church because the dysphoria hits hard. Way too hard. This is especially true since guys seem to go with guys and girls seem to go with girls, and both off in their own little groups. Also, I can't seem to find any real friends. Sure I have friends, but they're "friends". You know, like people you just kind of know. My guy "friends" make stupid dick jokes because they think the jokes are so funny (one joke was about a hypnotic salt shaker...I was ticked off the whole day after that, and I honestly don't know why), and my girl "friends" seem to have this really humongous block in between me and them. I think I instinctively oversleep on Sundays so that I don't have to go.

[Tori]

So...it's just a HPV vaccine? Ok, good to know

Also, I was just wondering, but what if the therapist misdiagnosed me? Does it mean I have to wait until I'm 18?

I'm so freaking depressed...These days, I think I keep trying to avoid anything social (even though my counselor says that I should go to social stuff) like church because the dysphoria hits hard. Way too hard. This is especially true since guys seem to go with guys and girls seem to go with girls, and both off in their own little groups. Also, I can't seem to find any real friends. Sure I have friends, but they're "friends". You know, like people you just kind of know. My guy "friends" make stupid dick jokes because they think the jokes are so funny (one joke was about a hypnotic salt shaker...I was ticked off the whole day after that, and I honestly don't know why), and my girl "friends" seem to have this really humongous block in between me and them. I think I instinctively oversleep on Sundays so that I don't have to go.

If a therapist misdiagnoses you, you can go to another therapist.

Nobody knows what your injection was.

Weather you wait for HRT or start soon, you need to understand that doctors work for you.

NEVER let someone inject you with something, without first knowing what it is. Your mom may think she is in control of your medical care, and depending on your age, she may have some but YOU, the patient, should always have the final say. Let me put this another way: If you can write posts as clear and complex as the ones you write here, you can understand what a doctor says to you... SO ASK HIM.

If your Mom arranged to get you the HPV vaccine, no big deal but what if she arranged to get you a shot of testosterone? In either case, I would want to know. My body. My choice.

Compound that with the language barrier, unless your doctor speaks fluent Korean.

"Mom, what was that shot?"

"Oh, just something for your penis."

What?!? My junk. My choice.

If she does not fully understand the treatments she's let the doctor give you, she is not qualified to make those choices on your behalf.

You have every right to call the doctor's office and ask what shot they gave you. They work for you. You have every right to know what they put into your body.

It is vital to learn your rights when it comes to medical treatment because you are going to be on HRT for a LONG time once you start. You are going to see a lot of doctors. Trans folk are pretty rare so, sometimes you may know a LOT more about being trans than your doctor.

Study up, ask questions around here. Learn what to expect and what your rights are.

I want the best for you baby.

Perhaps look for some LGBT youth groups. Some church groups can be very biased towards trans folk, even if their religion doesn't condemn being trans. You know better than I about your current situation... it might not hurt to balance this all out by joining a group where you can be yourself and make new friends.

Good luck!

Hugs,
Tori

[lavini557]

Well, I did ask my mom, and she said it was Gardasil (why she tells me the actual name of the thing now instead of before is something I don't know), which is a HPV vaccine. I will keep note of this event and actually ask next time when my mom is reluctant in telling me what a vaccine is.

The thing with getting another therapist though...is that it's technically not possible. Seeing my parent's attitude with this thing, I feel that if the therapist does misdiagnose me, then they'll be like, "See? We're right - you don't want to be a girl. Now STFU and study." Something along those lines. I know you said that I do have rights, but... I don't know. How would I even use these rights if I'm under 18? Don't I have to follow what my parents do if I live under them? Or am I just being stupid right now?

Also, I did join a LGBT group at my school. The thing is...I feel like there's no together-ness in it (I don't think that's a word, but whatever). It feels more like an inform-people-about-LGBT-news-and-stuff group than a let's-get-to-actually-know-each-other group. Maybe it's because I haven't been in the group that long? There's also not many people in my grade...there's this one girl (the only class I share w/ her is Homeroom) who does talk to me now and then, but she tends to go off to her main group of friends. So I don't really get to know her.

And it's true my church is biased...in the very least, the adults are. I'm still not sure about the kids at my church. But I feel like they are or they're going to be, because the youth pastor tells them that homosexuality is sinful. I've also told him about my dysphoria (yeah, that was SUCH a good decision) and he kept ranting about how I should live how God created me and also about how there's tons of research on how kids my age can't make good decisions because they're not mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially prepared.

[Tori]

As for therapy... oy! Different people have different opinions about therapy. Every single therapist is different as well.

I have had some good therapists, and none of them have ever had to diagnose me as trans. Why? Because I am trans. I didn't choose to be trans. I do not pretend to be trans.

You do not need a diagnosis if you are trans.

Do you need a diagnosis if you are gay? Straight? Cis?

If my therapist asked me something like, "How can you be sure you are trans?", I would answer their question with a question of my own like, "How can you be sure you are qualified to treat trans clients?"

[lavini557]

Well, I kind of already knew that I don't need a diagnosis. I guess I'm going because my mom wants me to change my mind and I just see it as a opportunity to prove to her that being trans is a real thing. I already know I'm trans

But the thing is...I'm not sure what your point is, except that I don't need a diagnosis to be trans. Maybe try to explain what you're trying to tell me?

[Tori]

Let me try again. I am trying to make a point about therapy, and medical care in general, and I realize it doesn't exactly address any of your specific questions. You are legally a child, your family has likely taken care of all your medical issues until now. This can lead to things like being given shots even though you have no clue what kind of shot it is.

As I have said earlier, you will see many doctors if you transition, so it would behoove you to start taking ownership of your treatment now, rather than being say, uncertain and waiting for your parent's input. Unless your therapists and doctors ARE trans, you will always know more about being trans than they do. They have no power over you, they work for you. Taking steps toward transitioning is adult stuff, so be prepared to show some maturity, much like you have in your posts here.

Therapy alone will not get you HRT, but it may help you decide how to get HRT sooner rather than later. So, therapy could be a really good thing for you. Use therapy to help. If anything it will give you a place to vent.

Your first meeting should be a meet and greet, getting to know each other sort of thing. This is a GREAT time to clear the air concerning confidentiality. By this I mean you have every right to ask what your therapist can and can not say to your family and others about your sessions, and if you do not like what you hear, you can insist to have a copy of it in writing, then you can call the psychiatric board (I forget what it is called, perhaps someone will help), read the document your therapist gave you to them, and find out if what your therapist told you is legal. If everything checks out, great! Follow those guidelines and get some therapy. If it does not, send a copy to the board and get that quack in trouble. There are laws about confidentiality and if a therapist does not abide by those laws they should not be practicing.

It is quite likely your therapist with have you sign a document concerning confidentiality rules. A parent may also have to sign because you are a minor. Make sure the therapist signs it too and get a copy. This is a legal document and can only serve to protect you.

With that out of the way, you will be able to talk to your therapist.

I am not a paranoid person, although I may sound like one in my posts to you.

Your mother sounds like she cares a great deal for you, and like so many parents of trans folk, she just doesn't get it. She is likely concerned about how you will be treated by others, and frankly, what others may think of her for having a trans child, considering what you have said about your church, this is not surprising. She is likely fearful of your odds at eternal life, which may or may not be a valid concern depending on your perspective. But do not forget, she feels this way because she loves you and wants the best for you, she just doesn't understand why transition may actually be your best option.

Where was I? I got a little sidetracked.

Ah yes. You do not have to prove you are trans to a therapist. Frankly it would be almost impossible to do so. If you say you are trans, that should just be accepted as fact.

At your first therapy session, your therapist will likely ask you something like, "What brings you here?"

With therapists, you have to build trust. You need to be honest with them and not beat around the bush.

This is a good time to say something like what you have told us in this thread, something like, "Well I am trans, and my family doesn't quite accept that fact, so they sent me here to make sure, which is rather silly to me. If I told my family I am alive, they would not send me to therapy to confirm it. So, while they think I am here so you can confirm weather or not I am trans, and hoping you will change my mind if I am, I am really here seeking help in dealing with the depression that I feel because my family does not accept something that is quintessentially me. I am trans. There is no science that shows a trans person will ever become less trans, so it is just part of me. For my own peace of mind, I wish to take the steps that lead to transition. I am young enough to halt my male puberty in its tracks, unlike so many trans people who have come before me. And that adds urgency to my need to transition, because every day I wait, and every obstacle my family puts up, gives testosterone even more time to work on my body. I am becoming adult, and I am becoming the wrong sex in the process. Hopefully, we can work on creating some tools that will help me make progress both in dealing with my family, but also in getting my transition started ASAP. Otherwise I will have to wait until I am 18, and while that is still pretty young, a LOT of physical damage can be done on a few years of the wrong hormones. If you do not think you can help me, would you mind suggesting someone who can?"

You know? Something like that. It is not a question of IF you are trans. The fact that you ARE trans is why you are in therapy.

Do you see where I am coming from now?

Keep this in mind, therapists tend to like trans patients. We are different from their average patient. Even if they have little experience working with the likes of us, they usually want to have the chance. We can break up a rather boring day, because they get to ask new questions and hear new answers. An engaged therapist is often the best kind of therapist.

Now, if it is a church therapist, they are bound by different rules and regulations, and do not have to be qualified in any way (although many are qualified). Your odds of getting legitimate medical help from a church therapist are greatly reduced, because their goal tends to be saving your soul in the eyes of God.

If you were shot, would you rather a doctor attempt to pray the shot away, or attempt to remove the bullet and stop the bleeding?

[Tristan]

yeah no pill to make you be a standard boy. i hope you have a good therapist and not one of the pray away the gay types. they so suck. that was my first kind in junior high in the 2000s

[Alexthecat]

Oh I had gardasil I think. It comes in 3 shots spanning several years if I remember right.

[SunKat]

I know you said that I do have rights, but... I don't know. How would I even use these rights if I'm under 18? Don't I have to follow what my parents do if I live under them?

If you are in the U.S. it is going to depend on what state you live in as each state has different laws regarding Minor's rights for Medical Consent and Confidentiality.  You could google 'Teen medical rights' for your state to find out more, but it's usually easier to just contact the clinic or provider you are thinking of going to and ask them.
They should be able to tell you the guidelines they work under.