Don't know what to do!!! Help. Sexuallity in question, trouble at home

[lindsey143]

Ok, so, last year as I started trying to transition. At the time I considered myself completely lesbian, although there may have been some measure of denial. So I met a beautiful girl, who at first was supportive, but every now and then I'd find myself in a hurry and had to spend the day as male. So we were living together, everything was ok, and then we got married, and as time went on she started wanting the male more and more, and anytime I wasn't in male mode she would act depressed, and insist that I dress male. Well, I told her finally about 50 times that I was not gonna be male. And I started horomones. Well, with her unacceptance of me as a female, and the estrogen increase, and the way guys treat me I started liking guys, and now they are all I can think about in a sexual way and actually want it, I think I'm becoming a straight woman.
We still have sex, but I dont really get horny in a male way, and she dislikes this. She keeps trying to "cure me". She keeps insisting I talk to a religous counseler or a pastor. And now that I am completely accepting of myself I don't want reparative therapy. I just want to continue transition until I'm finished. Gender confirmation surgery and all. So what do I do? I need someone accepting, that doesn't always try to cure me, and I want a real man that loves me and that I can take care of, please, and keep the house clean and the clothes washed and stuff. But at the same time I love her, and her son. It's just starting to be like love is just not enough. I need someone accepting, and who makes me feel beautiful instead of like I'm harmful to their self esteem. She think's I'm prettier than her is the real problem I think, but, damn, not my fault. Please give me some advice! Also...I'm a musician, and I can't ever work on my music because she always pushes all the baby responsibility off on me, and all the cleaning and everything is left to me, otherwise the house is so gross and disgusting I dont even wanna be here. I get so tired of doing everything. I can't even work a regular job because I'm always here with my stepson. She wont get her friends or family to do anything. His dad is hardly in the picture, and I'm going crazy! Please. Words of wisdom?

[RosieD]

Aaaaaaannnnnnddddddd...breathe.

Seriously though you sound like you have a lot going on all at once. Don't try to deal wity everything. Slow down a little,  relax and work out what is causing you the most upset. Deal with that then move on to the next most upsetting thing.

Yes, I do know it is an awful lot easier to say that when you are not the one caught inside a tempestuous whirlwind of worries but it is the only way I have ever been able to get enough head space to make things better. I am sorry to say that I can't answer the questions you raise and I feel the only person who really knows the answers is you.

Sending hugs and a cup of camomile tea.

Rosie.

[stephaniec]

Aaaaaaannnnnnddddddd...breathe.

Seriously though you sound like you have a lot going on all at once. Don't try to deal wity everything. Slow down a little,  relax and work out what is causing you the most upset. Deal with that then move on to the next most upsetting thing.

Yes, I do know it is an awful lot easier to say that when you are not the one caught inside a tempestuous whirlwind of worries but it is the only way I have ever been able to get enough head space to make things better. I am sorry to say that I can't answer the questions you raise and I feel the only person who really knows the answers is you.

Sending hugs and a cup of camomile tea.

Rosie.

sorry I hope the best for you, but this situation is to complicated for me I've never been married ,so have never dealt with it.

[lindsey143]

Thank you. Well another thing that bothers me is I feel trapped. And she gets into any account I have and figures out my passwords and goes through my stuff online. I was looking for a guy on a couple of websites and met some promising knights in shining armor, was planning to leave. She caught me, and made me delete my profiles. I get so desperate to leave, but have nowhere to go, and I love her, but not enough to stop transition and lie to myself continuously

[vlmitchell]

<honesty>
If things are like you're saying they are, it's time to GTFO.
</honesty>

[lindsey143]

I know I have to, but I just don't know how to.

[Teela Renee]

I know I have to, but I just don't know how to.

I dunno how to get outta the marriage part. but when I left the woman I was dating before I transitioned,  after telling her over and over I was transitioning, im not male, I finally just looked her in the eye and said, look you cant cure me, now your pissing me off. Drop the subject cause im dropping you.  And I left the relationship.   And found me someone who really appreciates my company as me.

[Ltl89]

Do you think there is a way to save the relationship?  Even if not, do you believe there is a fantasy scenario that could make things work?  If so, have you considered couples therapy?  If not, I'm not sure there is anything we can say to make you feel differently.  We don't choose our sexuality nor do we choose who we love.  From what you're posting, it sounds like you don't desire to remain in a romantic relationship with her despite the fact that your love and care for her.  At the end of the day, it's not fair for anyone involved to be in that situation.  However, your marriage is at stake, so I would advise you to make sure and be certain that moving forward and ending things would be for the best.  That's why I ask if you think there is any chance (even if it seems like a fantasy) for it to work.  Maybe you both can work on things and save what you have?  Yet, if neither of you can be in a relationship with a female then it seems like there is nothing that can be done.   That's sort of an area that leave little room for compromise because it's strikes at the core of who we are (our gender). With all that said, it's your call to make and I hope everything works out for the best for everyone involved.  Good luck.

[vlmitchell]

I know I have to, but I just don't know how to.

Take her to therapy with you. If it becomes clear during therapy, you'll have a mediator to help you through it. If she won't come, get out the hard way. Whatever you do, do it fast because dragging this out will suck mightily.

[lindsey143]

I dont know if its salvageable. We have lots of fun together, I just need her to love me as a female, not miss the guy all the time. But there are so many things that drive me crazy I think about walking out at least 3 times a day, but I cant cause I love her, but at the same time she is holding me back from a lot, and tries to keep me happy with food, things, and cigarettes. I dont care about any of that though, i just want someone accepting and loving that makes me feel attractive

[Jamie D]

A lot of us are bi-/pan-sexual.  But you orientation and desires are your own.

If your wife is having intractable problems with your gender identity, the long-term health of the relationship is in risk.  And don't feel tied down because your wife's ex- is a deadbeat.

[stephaniec]

I dont know if its salvageable. We have lots of fun together, I just need her to love me as a female, not miss the guy all the time. But there are so many things that drive me crazy I think about walking out at least 3 times a day, but I cant cause I love her, but at the same time she is holding me back from a lot, and tries to keep me happy with food, things, and cigarettes. I dont care about any of that though, i just want someone accepting and loving that makes me feel attractive

the way you talk it sounds as if you have no outside income, I could be wrong , please no offense ,just wondering

[lindsey143]

other than hers...no income, I have to go to my last job and pretend to be a guy here and there so i can make extra money. and i hate that so so bad, but they wont let me work as a female. And I cant even do that cause i'm always stuck witht he house and baby

[Nicole]

Thank you. Well another thing that bothers me is I feel trapped. And she gets into any account I have and figures out my passwords and goes through my stuff online. I was looking for a guy on a couple of websites and met some promising knights in shining armor, was planning to leave. She caught me, and made me delete my profiles. I get so desperate to leave, but have nowhere to go, and I love her, but not enough to stop transition and lie to myself continuously

The first thing I would do is change all your passwords, something that she would never work out.

I really hate partners who do that, a friend of mine used to do it to her boyfriend, he left her in the end and she still thinks she did nothing wrong.

I also think you're staying with her for all the wrong reasons.
By the sounds of it you're not in love and you're using her for a roof over your head. If that sounds mean or bitchy, sorry.
Remember that love is a 2 way street.

[lindsey143]

Maybe you're right