what did I want? most definitely as the most important was to be visually and entirely seen as a natal female.
More deeply though, was the feeling of lost youth and the feeling of being pretty, which eluded my consciousness for obvious reasons.
Reality of starting transition at a ripe age of 44 held a rather grim promise, perhaps one of impossibility and a sentence to life without parole of being just different in the scrutiny of societal compass.
The outcome further complicated by life time of bodybuilding, (yes, denial mechanism) and heck of a testosterone ravished body.
But with start of physical transformation and all inclusive club of rejection, ridicule and loss, came immense pain and such gave rise to otherwise nonexistent spirituality.
This spirituality started to transform everything, and the belief in the inevitable, gave new inspiration, that perhaps all that I used to know about the world and all the preconceived ideas, were just mere false interpretation of how things work.
I lived by my spirituality, every breath and every minute of my new life was surrounded by deep belief that there are no impossibilities, no barriers I couldn't overcome, that everything unfolds as it should and I DO have the power to influence the universe.
Long story short, 3 years later and I am living the most incredible life.
What I have hoped for in my wildest dreams had come true and life had surpassed it ever since.
To the point that I had modeled, not as a trans anything, no, but as a WOMAN!
But I am humble to realize that this journey is not over, not by a long shot, I still have insecurities, and dysphoria is a bi..ch to overcome.
I keep on pushing the envelope!
But one single feeling that keeps me marching on is the strive for entirety, the need to be fully immersed, the body and mind, into womanhood, at least as much as realm of this universe will allow.