How to present during transition?

[ganjina]

Hello all,

So am starting HRT and laser soon. Being pre-everything, I was wondering how are you supposed to present during that transition time? From what I understand, there should be quite a few ambiguous months before I can get FFS and attempt to really be passable. Until then, what? How can you function socially? I figured since I run my own business I will just present however I chose to at work and home, them both being controlled environments, while being androgynous yet discreet outside while I finnish transition since this place here in this country is rather violent and not super welcoming in general. What are your thoughts, how have you handled this?

[Oriah]

the answer to your question is a very personal one......do what you think is best......do what feels right to you.

[carrie359]

I own my own business too.. and do not plan to present female until after FFS which could be up to two years.. there is no hard fast rules.  Unless I take after my grandmother in the chest area... then I would have a problem..and would do FFS sooner than later.. all depends on effects of HRT for me..
Carrie

[JRD]

I just did what was comfortable for me. You don't want to make yourself too anxious by pushing things or else you'll drive yourself nuts.  I mostly stayed in male style clothes until people started gendering me female and then I made little changes in my presentation over time.

[ganjina]

I thought I'd do the same like you, take it easy, as I see fit.. but then I started worrying that.. there is some kind of guideline or threshold where not starting to present female 24/7 would be like kind of hiding yourself, or holding back, or being too passive.. some sort of fear that if I do not do it strong and fast enough, it would not be "proper" or "good" or "healthy" for some reason... whatever that means...

Here in the city from therapists and other MTF I hear stuff such as when you start HRT you have to start making gradual changes straight away and soon or later it means being out full time and so on... otherwise it would mean that you are not ready. It is not hard to make gradual changes, like an androgynous haircut, girl clothing that is not too shocking, some slight make up... there are a lot of gradual changes you can do... but then, I think there is this point when I would get really androgynous -body/clothing/makeup- except for my face, which would not let me pass, then I think, what other gradual change can I get? I'll be as female as I can get without surgery in a few months.. then what? You get to a point where the only change you can do is surgery + changing papers/name/ID, but to me changing gender presentation would not make much sense socialyl if everyone sees me as male? What gradual changes can you expect at that point? I expect to get to some sort of stalemale situation where I changed all I can and I'd look very androgynous yet am waiting for surgery a few months, have a hard time imagining how to present as female given my passabaility, and do not know what other gradual or otherwise changes to make? I feel in this regard the situation is very clear and I do not know if anyone would have any advice on how to consider it. I do not feel particularly troubled in the way that being androgynous and waiting for surgery for a few months does not seem that terrible besides socializing but I am afraid that seeing things like this kind of in a relaxed, no hurry, laid back way is somehow harmful to the proper, speedy transition process (I want it to be done ASAP in spite of everything). Any insight would be gladly welcome.

Regards,

[Jessica Merriman]

I dove off into the deep end of the girl pool! Straight to Full Time presentation and have not had any problems at all. It has been surprisingly accepted and I feel so good it is probably illegal. I have been told I look great and a lot of it is just the right attitude and confidence. Those two things sell you to people. Well, that and good makeup skills! Thank you YouTube! If you believe in yourself other people will as well. Some people I know have had every surgery known to medicine and cant pass at all. Being the real you comes from inside your soul, not the edge of a knife. Just saying.......

[Tori]

Jessica is SO right.

I am taking the slow, scenic route. Transitioning outwardly as I see fit. I fear that if I go too fast, I will not present well at all, and I fear the dip in morale that may bring me.

As time goes by, it gets harder and harder to contain. My maleness is feeling like and empty shell.

I am following the natural cues, to transition naturally. I do not want to force things one way or another.

HRT can work magic. Especially the face. In just a short time, my features are softening and filling out. I will not even dare to consider surgery until I see what genetics bring me.

Aloha,
Tori

[Megumi]

Simply do what is comfortable for you.

At first I wouldn't dare go outside as my true self but I got over that fairly quickly and have only gone a few transition related places as male just one time to test the waters. Now that I'm part time I have no qualms about going out with friends as long as it's not a few towns around my work where it could come back to bite me before I'm ready to go full time. Don't let others push you into doing things you don't feel comfortable doing. Even if they say the doctor you're going to for HRT won't give hormones unless you present as female.

I have been taking my sweet time and even that feels too fast but the reality is my body and mind will tell me when it's time. I couldn't put a specific date down when my therapist asked and I guess that was the answer I was suppose to say as really I have no idea when that day will come. Could be next week or in March or later. I'll know when and it will not be on someone else's timeline.

[LizMarie]

I'm a slow transitioner but just going with what works. There are days I don't deliberately present en femme but I wear all female or gender neutral clothes anyway. I wear a feminine cap that hides the hair loss on top if I am not wearing a wig. I carry a purse. I get gendered female about a third of the time so far. I get looks. But I decided I just don't care. Unless someone tries to deny me service at a business or gets violent, I just don't care.

As the facial hair removal continues and the facial shape changes to a more feminine shape, I'll eventually reach a point where I decide it's good enough and do the legal name and gender change then begin planning subsequent surgeries from there.

[TerriT]

You can do whatever is comfortable. I did LHR before I transitioned anything else. I'm not really confident in my ability to successfully pass as female full time, so I work on it and am converting my wardrobe to all female clothes and I go to meetings and stuff. I do worry about transitioning at work.

[allisonsteph]

As the others before me have said, only you can figure out what is comfortable for you...

That being said when I started planing my transition, I had the idea that I would begin HRT and start presenting female full time when the changes started becoming noticeable. Things didn't happen that way...

I went through a bad break-up and started living by myself. My appointment to be medically assessed for HRT was still two months down the road and seemed like it was a lifetime away. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror in male clothing I'd get depressed beyond belief. I didn't feel like a man, I hated dressing like one. So I told myself that I would only dress in male clothing at work and present female outside of work while I figured out how to handle coming out at work. Two weeks later, I was terminated from my job. I came home from work that last day, tossed the male clothing that I had worn to work that day on the floor and told myself "I am NEVER wearing that stuff again". That was September 20, 2013 and I have not worn one item of male clothing since that day. In the weeks that followed I got acrylic nails, dyed my hair red and got it cut in a more feminine style. I filed the paperwork to legally change my name and gender in November. I began HRT on January 18, 2014.

My timeline has become far more accelerated that I had planned or could have every hoped for. Despite our best laid plans life can sometimes throw us a curve ball. I was fortunate to turn around on that curve ball and hit it out of the park.

[Collette]

It depends on how comfortable you are. I go out dressed for everything unless I have to have an actual conversation with someone. My voice and Adams apple are my main giveaways. I'm 5'7" and have the voice of a 7' giant lol. As long as I dont speak I can do or go anywhere as a woman, bathrooms and dressing rooms included :-)

[Carrie Liz]

I'm currently in this so-called "transitional" state that you speak of, where I'm basically in-between, and people are gendering me both male and female.

So the basic answer in my case? I dress androgynously, and let people think whatever they want about me. Do I get stares? Yes. A lot of them. Because a lot of people are having a hard time telling what gender I am just based on appearance. And I'm 6'2" tall, so it's hard for me to hide. But over time, I've kind of become impervious to stares. I've been taking things very slowly, waiting for female genderings before moving forward, so I expected that this stage would happen sooner or later, and now it's just a matter of having the courage to jump in the deep end.

I don't necessarily recommend this method, though, because I've gone through HELL over the last few months while I've been too scared to present in a more feminine manner, and waiting on those arbitrary opinions of a bunch of other people I don't even know to tell me whether I'm female enough.

So again, do what's comfortable to you. I've always been a very cautious person, wanting to make sure I'll succeed before taking a single step, so the slow method has been the most comfortable for me, (although not the most enjoyable for sure,) but this definitely doesn't work for everyone. A lot of people are much happier just jumping in head-first right from the very start. It's all a matter of personal comfort. Do what feels right for you.

[KittyKat]

I've been mostly dressing in whatever I want most of the time. Since all of my newer clothes and women's clothes I tend to wear them more often. If I'm going out for awhile I ussually will put my make up on and my wig and go full girl though. Last time I wore full male clothes was on my aniversary because I thought my wife would appreciate it. We ended up spending most of the day buying clothes on sale since it was right after christmas, so there was barely a point in going out as I did since I got 3 outfits, mocassins, pink sneakers and knee high boots that day, shucks. Even when I'm in my uniform I'm wearing panties and a bra and the uniform is unisex anyway. Back on topic, I just go with the flow its a lot easier to do since I accepted things.

[ganjina]

Thanks a lot for your comments. I have read them over and over, and I can definitely connect my situation to every other situation in here at least in some respect, so I feel I have been given quite a bit of food for thought, thanks again.

I think for me what makes the most sense is to take it easy until I can afford FFS, using common sense and what I feel most comfortable with. It is not easy to grasp and face all the possibilities out there yet this should not be delayed unnecessarily, if I can do it fast and safely I will. I liked the comment about being you comes from your soul, not from the edge of a knife, but I guess I'd want a face that matches my gender to feel at ease? As I see the changes I'm going through, I think that is the thing that definitely needs a procedure in order to get to be passable. All I ever wanted is to be physically speaking more on the female side than the male side, but until I get that FFS done I do not see it getting done. I thought maybe in the meantime just dress androgynously, present mostly male and hide my breasts out in the streets might do it, for a lack of better alternatives.

Liz you mentioned you were taking a sort of similar approach but it was kind of hellish, do you mean so because of the stares and treatment you get from others? Were you at first thinking this would be difficult as it turned out to be, or felt like you'd ignore all the people out there and it was not so? I am wondering this because I do not want to underestimate what is coming along.

[Carrie Liz]

Liz you mentioned you were taking a sort of similar approach but it was kind of hellish, do you mean so because of the stares and treatment you get from others? Were you at first thinking this would be difficult as it turned out to be, or felt like you'd ignore all the people out there and it was not so? I am wondering this because I do not want to underestimate what is coming along.

No, it's been hellish because I've basically been waiting on the arbitrary opinions of other people in regards to which gender I look like (basically waiting on people to start gendering me female before moving forward,) before allowing myself to present in a more feminine manner. So I've felt like my life was completely on hold while I was waiting, and I had many nights where I was just screaming at the sky "damn it, damn it, damn it, why am I not there yet?" and basically beating myself up because I was so anxious to just express my femininity and get it over with, but stifled myself due to fear, due to wanting other people to tell me I'm a girl first before moving forward and expecting them to accept me as one, because I'm so afraid of ruffling other people's feathers.

When I actually have been out in "girl mode," although I've gotten stares sometimes, I've never been harassed by anyone. At worst it was just some chuckles from a group of teenagers, and one intentional misgendering from a clerk at Walgreen's while I was still early in transition. But really, almost nobody seems to notice or care, and they treat me like a woman. The only person making such a big deal about it is me.

Like I said, sometimes I really wish I had just transitioned and gotten it over with a long time ago. Because I really don't think I'd have that many problems with acceptance. But in the meantime, I've put myself through hell because I was too scared.

[Eva Marie]

You should do whatever makes you comfortable. Transitioning is an intensely personal experience, and no one can tell you the right way to go about it - you need to make that decision for yourself.

To answer your question - I made a rough plan to wait until I had been with my new company for a year and then get my review to see how I am doing, because there are entirely too many people counting on me not getting fired. If I get a favorable review then I'm immediately filing for my name change, and when the court date gets near for the name change I'll be informing work so they can make whatever plans they deem necessary. Then one day I'll show up as Eva. It won't be a big deal for me by that time, but I know that it probably will be for others, so I want to keep it as much of a non-event at work as possible and maintain a low profile. Well, as low profile as a trans person coming out at work can expect, anyway  The last thing I want is to disrupt the workplace and thus become a problem for my employer and draw unwanted attention to myself. The first day I expect to be the center of attention and then not so much going forward; I'll hopefully just be one of the girls.

In the meantime I generally dress en femme on the weekends and do as much as is practical in girl mode, because one day soon this will be my way of living and I need the practice. I go shopping, go to church, go to my dentist, go to my doctor, go to restaurants, put myself purposely into uncomfortable situations, and so on in all in girl mode. It forces me to confront my fears, and it forces me to practice my voice and my social skills. If I screw up so be it, and I'll take away something I've learned from the experience and I won't make the same mistake again. An example of a screw up I made and have never repeated is one time I got introduced to a woman by a female friend and without thinking I stuck my hand out and shook hands just like a guy would do - duh! A hug or a greeting by sticking my hand out with no intention of shaking hands is the appropriate response in that situation.

Every time I step foot out the door in girl mode it reinforces my decision to transition, and it boosts my confidence that I can do this. In fact, it's becoming a rather ordinary, mundane event these days.

My suggestion is to make some sort of a rough plan for your transition. Ii doesn't have to be a hard and fast plan that you rigorously adhere to; just think of it as a general guide for your moving forward.

[Jill F]

The whole name of the game is being happy.   Present yourself in the way that makes you happiest with yourself.  Don't wear things that make you uncomfortable.  Your presentation will likely evolve over time naturally.

Some people aren't comfortable presenting female until male fail happens, some can just say "screw it" right away.

It's been said that there are as many ways to be trans* as there are trans* people.  Your path is just that.

Be yourself, be happy.

[JaneNicole2013]

I am four months into hormones and have adopted a transition personality I refer to as "Jayne" (Firefly fans will recognize that name). While I am buying some clothes for "full time" I am also buying some transition clothes--women's clothes that look male. There are many of them out there, especially what they call "boyfriend" shirts. I'm to the point now where I can spend the entire weekend in female clothing and no one notices. I am not getting misgendered yet. Looking forward to that day, but I still look very much male.

Jane