Am I "using" my friends and family?

[suzifrommd]

The idea terrifies me of being among only strangers in the hospital after surgery, incapacitated and in pain. I don't have very many close friends or family. With the exception of my sister, who is letting me stay with her for the weeks after I'm discharged, none of those whom I've told about it have offered to be with me.

I am considering asking my friends and family to take time slots where they will be with me. It wouldn't be easy. The hospital is a 2 hour ride from where I live so it would be a sacrifice for him.

I'll also be spending five days in a recovery facility. The doctor's office that runs it says there is a spot for someone to stay with me, and they highly recommend I don't stay there alone. Other people who have been to the same facility have put it even more strongly. I'd like to ask my 18-year old son to stay there with me. His college classes would be over by then.

I wouldn't ask them to do any medical stuff, just be with me and help with other stuff when I needed it.

But I don't want to feel like I'm "using" my friends and family for my own personal comfort. They're clearly not thrilled with the idea, or they would have volunteered on their own. It's very awkward for a friend or family member to ask a favor that only you can do, and have to turn her down. I feel like I'd be putting my needs above theirs if I asked, especially my son. Our relationship with our kids should be about them, instead of about us, right?

On the other hand, the possibility of spending those days alone, uncomfortable and impaired, weights heavily on my mind.

Not sure what I should do.

[Sephirah]

I'm not the most experienced when it comes to things like this, having very little to draw on, but what I think is that a relationship with anyone should be a two way process. A dynamic symbiosis where both parties' needs are addressed and respected. And that you have as much right to have your needs taken into consideration as others do for you to consider theirs.

[Hikari]

My friends don't exactly volunteer to help me move, but I always ask them to, and they almost always do, and I am always there for them to move unless I can't due to work. I wouldn't say they are using me or me using them. And lifting, packing, and sorting boxes is certainly more frustrating than just being around.

I find reciprocation to be very important to my relationships, and before I ask someone to do something for me, I always ask myself the question: "Would I do this for them, if they were asking me?", if the answer is yes then I never feel bad asking. The worst that can happen is someone says no, or they are minorly inconvenienced.

TL-DR: If you would say yes to being with them under similar circumstances then go ask.

[Andaya]

Absolutely not. It's only using people if its a one way street and you never do anything for other people. I would definitely echo the sentiments of the people you've hard from so far, don't be alone during that time. If your friends and family understand the difficulties, and they are good people, they will be there for you

[Jenna Marie]

As everyone else has said, you're such a giving person... and you never know, it might be that they're afraid YOU would rather not have them see you like that or something. Another vote for ask, and that's what friends and family are for.

(Also another vote for not doing it alone - I can't even imagine going through that alone.)

[suzifrommd]

As everyone else has said, you're such a giving person... and you never know, it might be that they're afraid YOU would rather not have them see you like that or something.

I appreciate the compliment, though I don't think those around me see me as a giving person. My friends, even my kids, haven't asked me for much, so whatever giving nature I have hasn't really been put to the test. The person in my life I feel I've given the most to now hates me and says my marriage to her was continuous misery, so I'm feeling like my karma would be running deeply into the red.

Good point about them not wanting to see me that way. I know that's how my mother felt during the decline at the end of her life - she asked us to keep her friends away from her.

I'm not the most experienced when it comes to things like this, having very little to draw on, but what I think is that a relationship with anyone should be a two way process.

It's only using people if its a one way street and you never do anything for other people.

TL-DR: If you would say yes to being with them under similar circumstances then go ask.

The theme seems to be if this is something I'd do for them (Answer: yes, I definitely would if I possibly could), than I can feel comfortable asking them for specific help. That's a comforting viewpoint.

Thank you everyone for your helpful responses.