different identity

[Danielle Emmalee]

Oh Caysee, please don't think I would ever find anything wrong with this at all. It just seems like there is a personality issue that could lead to tragedy if not discovered. I would never put down or judge any of my brothers or sisters here. It is just my opinion though that the OP has self medicated, resisted therapy, had FFS and is confused and unsure right now, that's all. That to me equals tragedy, if not now in the future.

I'd never think anything bad of you Jessica

I wasn't saying anybody was necessarily speaking against anyone's personal identity or anything of the like, just playing devils advocate really and trying to make sure nobody felt that's what was being said.

[Jessica Merriman]

I'd never think anything bad of you Jessica

I wasn't saying anybody was necessarily speaking against anyone's personal identity or anything of the like, just playing devils advocate really and trying to make sure nobody felt that's what was being said.

Huge sigh of relief, SSIIGGHH!! Thanks Caysee! Sorry it is just a high hormone level day here now. Love you baby.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Caysee,

....... Gender identity and preferred gender expression don't always have to match to equal happiness. 

With all due respects you would have to define what happiness means to qualify that statement. If happiness can be found in denial or conditional compromise, than well and good. I am yet to find a case where it is true.

........  and maybe you know something I don't, but is there anything wrong with being a man in a dress?  I sure hope you don't think so. 

In answer to your question, yes there is something wrong. That fact is borne from the plight of those that bear the public abuse and harassment that I know of, heard of or witnessed. I'm yet to see a state of happiness in any other those that are perceived in that way. Even the ones who have forcibly become recluse's to avoid such confrontations do not express any form of happiness.

I've been trained not form judgements. My expressions of these injustices are drawn from direct contact with these people who have been misgendered, defined as men in dresses etc. The psychological trauma and degradation that occurs from this is wrong. It's about time society rid itself of it's bigotry and hostility towards anyone of diversity.

Huggs
Catherine

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Jessica,

2 years of HRT and FFS and she still wants to be male inside? Help me understand this a little.

"Internal maleness" for want of a better description, yet to keep the understanding of this thread consistent, is driven by many factors. One's previous experiences, environmental, social constructs will have an over bearing influence on one's self perception. HT may alter this, but if the administration of it is inadequate or incorrect, it may have little to no over all effect.

HT and FFS, and even to a degree GCS are not golden panaceas to nirvana. In fact at times they can be the biggest detriment to development, either individually or in combination.

Hope this helps

Huggs
Catherine

[Danielle Emmalee]

Hi Caysee,
With all due respects you would have to define what happiness means to qualify that statement. If happiness can be found in denial or conditional compromise, than well and good. I am yet to find a case where it is true.

In answer to your question, yes there is something wrong. That fact is borne from the plight of those that bear the public abuse and harassment that I know of, heard of or witnessed. I'm yet to see a state of happiness in any other those that are perceived in that way. Even the ones who have forcibly become recluse's to avoid such confrontations do not express any form of happiness.

I've been trained not form judgements. My expressions of these injustices are drawn from direct contact with these people who have been misgendered, defined as men in dresses etc. The psychological trauma and degradation that occurs from this is wrong. It's about time society rid itself of it's bigotry and hostility towards anyone of diversity.

Huggs
Catherine

I think I'm understanding what you are saying.  Basically it's extremely difficult, maybe impossible, in today's society for people to find general acceptance from the public for an identity that does not match gender expression, not that you personally think that there's anything wrong with anyone who wants to do this.  Am I correct?

As for being happy, I can't say for sure that I would be happy living true to my self with daily harassment and little to no acceptance from the public.  This is what you are saying is the only way things will turn out for someone with a mismatched identity and gender expression, right?

I think I would still give it my best shot.  Maybe it depends on where you live, there is a lot of genderqueer individuals in my city and none of them seem to be unhappy.  Maybe they are just hiding their unhappiness, what do I know? 

[stephaniec]

Just clarify, I'm not resisting therapy. Its just they are not useful for me. It could be useful for other people though.

I've found a medical team affiliated with the University of Chicago that is nothing short of brilliant.

[LivingTheDream]

I've known a costumer for years who is basically a "man in dress". He wears lipstick, has super long hair, female clothing: shoes, outfits, nylons, had laser on his face, and in the summer comes in with the shortest, tightest shorts he can find and has no desire to transition. He tells everyone to call him his male name. He doesn't look feminine at all, doesn't talk like it either, he doesn't bother to try to pass. Now, is he happy? Idk, I have to think so, or else why would he continue doing it? I'm sure he gets his stares from people, and whispers, probably sometimes outright verbal abuse, but he continues on. So for him, being a "man in dress" is who he is, I guess.

[stephaniec]

I've known a costumer for years who is basically a "man in dress". He wears lipstick, has super long hair, female clothing: shoes, outfits, nylons, had laser on his face, and in the summer comes in with the shortest, tightest shorts he can find and has no desire to transition. He tells everyone to call him his male name. He doesn't look feminine at all, doesn't talk like it either, he doesn't bother to try to pass. Now, is he happy? Idk, I have to think so, or else why would he continue doing it? I'm sure he gets his stares from people, and whispers, probably sometimes outright verbal abuse, but he continues on. So for him, being a "man in dress" is who he is, I guess.

there's a couple like that where I live . the man is the woman and the woman the man

[JoanneB]

I don't really agree with calling it "male on the inside" though I think I know what your point is.

For me, I am me on the inside, always have been, always will. How I present has little to do with my likes, my joys, my passions. They are as much, if not more, of my identity as my gender

[myraey]

It sounds weird wanting to go all trough that and still identify as a male. But if it works for you then great.

I have been identifying as a male for all my life even with all the strong gid issues going on. Just because things always were that way. My past is still a part of me. It took years for my identity to form. There are still so many memories and experiences. Avoidance and not dealing with it or having resolved the gender issues made me sometimes feel i have a hidden secret. It is very stressful having that much baggage inside. At times it made me feel like I had some weird split personality thing going on. But I am one person and I think all those experiences and thoughts are a part of me. I would consider what do you want from life in say 10 to 15 years. How do you see yourself and what do you prefer

[bingunginter]

It sounds weird wanting to go all trough that and still identify as a male

Yes it is weird but I didn't choose that part. It certainly is possible to learn/train my thinking, my behavior, to be feminine but that's just too troublesome for me. Definitely not as easy as the physical transition part. 

What I want from life? I just want to marry, have a somewhat normal family and not be poor. I almost able to do that but this desire to have feminine body is always bothering me. Not sure what to do with this issue, I end up broke up with my girlfriend. After some time being single, I decided to explore this desire, doing little things at times. So that's end up where I'm now.
What would I do say 10 years down the line ? If I continue, I almost certain I would give up my dream to have normal relationship, marriage, and family. I didn't realize that this is so important to me until I lose it. So yeah maybe in several more years if hrt doesn't feminized my brain, doesn't make me attracted to male, life doesn't improve much, I would consider maybe detransition while still retaining much of the feminization result. The ffs and lasered hair certainly won't revert  .  I don't know, maybe this is the best compromise.

[stephaniec]

Yes it is weird but I didn't choose that part. It certainly is possible to learn/train my thinking, my behavior, to be feminine but that's just too troublesome for me. Definitely not as easy as the physical transition part. 

What I want from life? I just want to marry, have a somewhat normal family and not be poor. I almost able to do that but this desire to have feminine body is always bothering me. Not sure what to do with this issue, I end up broke up with my girlfriend. After some time being single, I decided to explore this desire, doing little things at times. So that's end up where I'm now.
What would I do say 10 years down the line ? If I continue, I almost certain I would give up my dream to have normal relationship, marriage, and family. I didn't realize that this is so important to me until I lose it. So yeah maybe in several more years if hrt doesn't feminized my brain, doesn't make me attracted to male, life doesn't improve much, I would consider maybe detransition while still retaining much of the feminization result. The ffs and lasered hair certainly won't revert  .  I don't know, maybe this is the best compromise.

so what is it that makes you think male. There are mtf's that are lesbian. what kind of things that you do that seem so male.

[bingunginter]

What makes me think I'm mentaly male? My behavior, vision, thinking, all those things is much closer to the average male then female. Its true that there are mtf's that are lesbian. Of course with human there are always exception. Can I have relationship with lesbian ? probably, but I find that very difficult.

[stephaniec]

What makes me think I'm mentaly male? My behavior, vision, thinking, all those things is closer to the average male then female. Its true that there are mtf's that are lesbian. Of course with human there are always exception. Can I find lesbian that attracted to me ? probably, but I find that difficult.

I guess for me I've always felt wrong trying to be male and do male things. at one point after high school I just rejected what I felt was male and tried to find my own way. I broke away from my male friends because I couldn't live in that world any more.

[Tori]

There are as many different ways to be trans as there are trans people.

[Allyda]

In my case my core identity has always been female. Knowing this all my life while trying to fit into a role I don't belong to, male, cost me years of misery and twice nearly cost me my life. So for me there is no other choice but to bring the physical part of me inline with my heart, mind, and soul that is/are female. Having said this, and knowing most of you here are familiar with my posts and I hope with me a little;
                                                                    I don't understand the OP at all.

Catherine your replies to the OP make the most sense to me. However with my core identity always having been female, and my desire to just be a girl throughout my entire life, and now that I'm finally getting the chance to do something about it and bring my physical self inline with my true core self feeling stronger and happier every day feeling female with never a doubt in my mind concerning my transition I don't understand where the OP is coming from. I myself am not one who runs to a therapist but in this case I believe therapy is definately in order before disaster happens. I'll keep reading as you Cathrine and others post here in hopes of understanding this.

[stephaniec]

In my case my core identity has always been female. Knowing this all my life while trying to fit into a role I don't belong to, male, cost me years of misery and twice nearly cost me my life. So for me there is no other choice but to bring the physical part of me inline with my heart, mind, and soul that is/are female. Having said this, and knowing most of you here are familiar with my posts and I hope with me a little;
                                                                    I don't understand the OP at all.

Catherine your replies to the OP make the most sense to me. However with my core identity always having been female, and my desire to just be a girl throughout my entire life, and now that I'm finally getting the chance to do something about it and bring my physical self inline with my true core self feeling stronger and happier every day feeling female with never a doubt in my mind concerning my transition I don't understand where the OP is coming from. I myself am not one who runs to a therapist but in this case I believe therapy is definately in order before disaster happens. I'll keep reading as you Cathrine and others post here in hopes of understanding this.

yes indeed quite difficult

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Caysee,

I think I'm understanding what you are saying.  Basically it's extremely difficult, maybe impossible, in today's society for people to find general acceptance from the public for an identity that does not match gender expression, not that you personally think that there's anything wrong with anyone who wants to do this.  Am I correct?

As for being happy, I can't say for sure that I would be happy living true to my self with daily harassment and little to no acceptance from the public.  This is what you are saying is the only way things will turn out for someone with a mismatched identity and gender expression, right?

You are absolutely correct in both cases.

And this is only a perhaps, as to why you see a lot of gender queer people in your city. I've yet to research this phenomon, but perhaps being in the company of similar minded people offers some form of respite from the indignations of the general public. Living in a quasi-community style as this, I've witnessed a higher degree of overall happiness in preference to living individually in isolation. Yet still there is a widespread deeper unhappiness under the surface.

Huggs
Catherine

[JaneNicole2013]

There are as many different ways to be trans as there are trans people.

Very true. As for me, I said "so long" to my male persona the minute I started HRT. It wasn't the meds that did it as much as my attitude and the realization that, for me anyway, my male persona was a manifestation I created to hide who I was to the outside world. He still fights back at times but I do a pretty good job judo-chopping him back down. I think of myself as female so much (although I rarely present as "female) that I sometimes have to stop myself from going into the woman's restroom and the other day when the restaurant attendant asked for my name, I almost said "Jane." Not that that would have raised many eyebrows, but still. I'm happy I'm thinking like that.

But really, it's whatever makes you happy. My girlfriend has a cousin who is all male but dresses female and a son-in-law who likes to paint his toe nails, so there is a lot of fluidity in gender identification--just ask Facebook (has anyone else seen how many gender options there are? I don't even know what they all are!).

Jane

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Allyda,
Congratulations on your tenacity to fulfil your dreams. I totally get you, I came from the same camp. I wish you every success, in abundance, for that unity and congruency of mind, body, soul and spirit. It IS everything you've ever wished for ....... and more.

....... I don't understand where the OP is coming from. I myself am not one who runs to a therapist but in this case I believe therapy is definately in order before disaster happens.

As I've mentioned, there is a substantial number of issues that determine your inner feelings. Some times they can build on each other to create the space the OP is in. Like a plane crash; there is no one isolated incident that has brought the aircraft down. It is always shown to be the culmination of multiple little incidences that just so happened to coincide in such a way as to cause a catastrophic event, resulting in the crash. So, in the life to date of the OP, there have been environmental, cultural, social, parental, family, schooling, health, work, relationship, diet, physical, emotional, spiritual, hormonal, genetic issues and more, that either resolved or unresolved have culminated in making the OP who they are today.

Who knows with the synchronicity of all these components, left unmanaged, what will be produced in 5, 10 years time.

Yes, and counsellor/therapists are an issue as well. My feelings are you have to search in order to find one who will respectfully and professionally challenge our thoughts and beliefs with whom you are comfortable with. Sometimes that takes a great deal of work. However I will borrow a Buddist mantra that states, when the student is ready the teacher will arrive.

I'll be thinking of you until you finally arrive. You'll love it!!!!

Huggs
Catherine