I don't know what to say , my biggest fear and stress for a long period now is that I still unconsciously identify myself as 'me' , the old me , and sometimes I feel that that means a 'male' . I am definitely not interested only in physical transition , in fact what I want the most is to feel that I am a girl , a true one and just girl inside , but that puts me in a vicious circle , as wanting to be a girl basically makes me not to be one , especially in my messed mind , with its specific way of working .
I feel like I really have no maleness inside (by what I want or by the society standards), yet I identified as a 'boy' in the childhood , I got used to that , and now it is hard to find a way out . And even if I would have some male parts , I truly hate them , as they make me so much less of a girl .
And that made me think at some questions :
What is to be done if one is not happy at all with what he/she/they are ?
Should the 'cure' be like in the transsexual case , to bring the body to the level the mind is - or in this case - want ?
And even more , how does a therapist diagnostic or identify a person's gender ?
By : how the person identified her self from childhood ?
what the person wants to be ?
brain gender - digit ratio ?
personality ?
traits and interests ?
what social gender the person seems to fit best ?
..........
I guess they is the true possibility to be diagnosed as something different that you want , and that gets me back to the first question .
Is the initial gender identity one's get in the first years of life the real gender ?
Does the people always identify correctly according to the brain wiring ,universal valid in all the animal kingdom ?
Will the person would be stuck with it forever?
For example , they are men with high digit ratios and women with low digit ratio , but they identify as males/women anyway , no matter what gender their brain really is . Is the gender identity something acquired entirely in the first years of life ?
Are the non binary genders : androgynous , pangender, genderfluid some 'personality' genders or some conditions instead of real 'brain -wiring' type genders ?
Or they are the manifestation/result of an mistaken initial gender identity ?
Are the transsexuals fitting more or less in the binary genders ? Are the other gender variations possible unstable ?
I mean , in my case , although I 've always pretty much the same inside , some strong environmental factors (like a deep doctrinal religion , some close minded and abusive parents and maybe the fact that I was young and influencing ) stopped me from really seeing and allowing myself , the real me (not to mention about gender identity ) . So now I am scared in a way , that maybe in some other conditions my personality would change just a bit and the whole gender will switch .
I read somewhere that the gender identity does not change .
Does that mean that the people who get dysphoria later in live are transvestites - transgenders , not transsexuals ?
And what would be the treatment for that ?
There are many questions in my mind , I guess that is what comes out of a somehow sick mind and too much loneliness . I guess I still have a lot of errors in understanding the gender concept , and that is a huge obstacle in achieving some piece of mind . Anyway I hope I don't get anyone upset or offended , and please excuse my long texts , but I could use some ideas and explanations .
Every moment I wish so much that I would be a clear well balanced person (in my case a girl , even transsexual , I am ready to work and risk everything in transition) like so many I see around here , with so much confidence in what they feel ....
