Anybody here still identify as male inside ? I've been really only mostly interested in the physical transition aspect of it. I want to be as female as attractive as I can on the outside. After transition, hrt, surgery, etc except srs, my mental and psychological doesn't change. So more accurately I think the best way to describe me is male on the inside, female on the outside. I do not hate my maleness either.

I don't know what to say ,  my biggest fear and stress for a long period now is that I still unconsciously identify myself as 'me' , the old me , and sometimes I feel that that means a 'male' . I am definitely not interested only in physical transition , in fact what I want the most is to feel that I am a girl , a true one and just girl inside , but that puts me in a vicious circle , as wanting to be a girl basically makes me not to be one , especially in my messed mind , with its specific way of working .
I feel like I really have no maleness inside (by what I want or by the society standards), yet I identified as a 'boy' in the childhood , I got used to that , and now it is hard to find a way out . And even if I would have some male parts , I truly hate them , as they make me so much less of a girl .


And that made me think at some questions :

What is to be done if one is not happy at all with what he/she/they are ?
Should the 'cure' be like in the transsexual case , to bring the body to the level the mind is - or in this case - want ?

And even more , how does a therapist diagnostic or identify a person's gender ?
  By : how the person identified her self from childhood ?
         what the person wants to be ?
         brain gender - digit ratio ?
         personality ?
         traits and interests ?
         what social gender the person seems to fit best ?
         ..........
I guess they is the true possibility to be diagnosed as something different that you want , and that gets me back to the first question .


Is the initial gender identity one's get in the first years of life the real gender ?
Does the people always identify correctly according to the brain wiring ,universal valid in all the animal kingdom ?
Will the  person would be stuck with it forever?

For example , they are men with high digit ratios and women with low digit ratio , but they identify as males/women anyway , no matter what gender their brain really is . Is the gender identity something acquired entirely in the first years of life ?

Are the non binary genders : androgynous , pangender, genderfluid  some 'personality' genders or some conditions instead of real 'brain -wiring' type genders ?
Or they are the manifestation/result  of an mistaken initial gender identity ?
Are the transsexuals fitting more or less in the binary genders ? Are the other gender variations possible unstable ?
I mean , in my case , although I 've always pretty much the same inside , some strong environmental factors (like a deep doctrinal religion  , some close minded  and abusive parents and maybe the fact that I was young and influencing  ) stopped me from really seeing and allowing myself , the real me  (not to mention about gender identity ) . So now I am scared in a way , that maybe in some other conditions my personality would change just a bit and the whole gender will switch .

 
I read somewhere that the gender identity does not change .
Does that mean that the people who get dysphoria later in live are transvestites - transgenders   , not transsexuals ?
And what would be the treatment for that ?


There are many questions in my mind , I guess that is what comes out of a somehow sick mind and too much loneliness . I guess I still have a lot of errors in understanding the gender concept , and that is a huge obstacle in achieving some piece of mind . Anyway I hope I don't get anyone upset or offended , and please excuse my long texts , but I could use some ideas and explanations .

Every moment I wish so much that I would be a clear well balanced person (in my case a girl , even transsexual , I am ready to work and risk everything in transition) like so many I see around here , with so much confidence in what they feel  ....

kind of curious why you don't want to be integrated personality wise. What is the benefit of being physically female and mentally male. I've been female mentally all my life and finally getting the outside to match the inside.

Hi

With an attitude like that, you're heading for a disaster. Exerting an inner maleness to the outside will see you being perceived as a man in a dress.

Albeit HT will attempt to rewire your brain, if you fight it you'll be sending mixed signals with your communications. Men and women think and express their respective ideas completely differently to each other.

Maintaining this attitude will only increase your social isolation as neither gender will be able to relate to you. I strongly suggest you take this matter up with your therapist, before it gets out of hand.

Huggs
Catherine

Quotekind of curious why you don't want to be integrated personality wise. What is the benefit of being physically female and mentally male. I've been female mentally all my life and finally getting the outside to match the inside.

Its not that I don't want it, Its just the way I naturally I am. I have no preference either way.

QuoteWith an attitude like that, you're heading for a disaster. Exerting an inner maleness to the outside will see you being perceived as a man in a dress.

I'm not exerting or resisting anything. My maleness is just the natural part of me. Well of course other people wouldn't know it unless they curious and ask. I do kind a hope that hrt will feminize my brain so that I will become mentally feminine and maybe change my sexual orientation to be attracted to male, this would make my life so much more convenient, but so far doesn't seems to change anything in that area.

I haven't found therapist to be useful. They are expensive and doesn't really tell me anything that I don't already know.

It seems to me, just my unprofessional opinion, that if you have no preference to having female or male physical characteristics  why the need to go through a difficult process of change and adjustment. what's the benefit  to be physically female if you truly want to be male

QuoteIt seems to me, just my unprofessional opinion, that if you have no preference to having female or male physical characteristics  why the need to go through a difficult process of change and adjustment. what's the benefit  to be physically female if you truly want to be male

I'm not really interested to be truly male or truly female or anything gender related. Ultimately I really just want to be happy and not having this issue.
I use my cake illustration to describe this. So let say I've been eating cake A, its good, provide nutrition and I can't see anything bad about it. Then later on come along cake B that looks very delicious. Even though I'm happy with cake A, now that there is cake B exist in front of me and there is nothing to prevent me to eat cake B, nothing difficult in order to eat cake B, now cake A is not enough anymore, I want cake B too.

Hi,

Just to clarify what I said, the fact your maleness is natural, it will naturally come out (be exerted) in conversation, thought and expression. This will create a confusion with the public as your expression (maleness) will contradict your physical expression (feminine).

Depending on the format and dosage (not to be expressed on this forum) of your HT will determine to what degree you'll experience feminisation. The part of your brain that determines and expresses your sexual identity and desire will take anything between 2-6 years to mature, under this rewiring process of HT.

One point that requires clarification is

Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 08:26:48 AM
......  After transition, hrt, surgery, etc except srs, my mental and psychological doesn't change.

Do you mean; your mental/psychological attitude HAS NOT changed after HRT and some form of feminisation surgery?

Huggs
Catherine

QuoteJust to clarify what I said, the fact your maleness is natural, it will naturally come out (be exerted) in conversation, thought and expression. This will create a confusion with the public as your expression (maleness) will contradict your physical expression (feminine).

Yes this would potentially cause confusion.

QuoteDepending on the format and dosage (not to be expressed on this forum) of your HT will determine to what degree you'll experience feminisation. The part of your brain that determines and expresses your sexual identity and desire will take anything between 2-6 years to mature, under this rewiring process of HT.

I hope so, I have been about 2 years so far.

Quote
Do you mean; your mental/psychological attitude HAS NOT changed after HRT and some form of feminisation surgery?

Yes, my personality, mental/psychological  pretty much remain the same. The physical effect work really well though. Yes I had feminization surgery as well.

Hi,

Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 11:13:50 AM
Yes, my personality, mental/psychological  pretty much remain the same. The physical effect work really well though. Yes I had feminization surgery as well.

I think I'm starting to see the picture now.

Two remaining factors that will/should have a major impact on your perceived maleness are: hormone levels and SRS.

As previously mentioned the format, dosage and current blood levels of hormones will have a major impact on your gender perception.

SRE will/should play a major role in your physical/mental perception of who you are. Today without SRS, your inner maleness is validated by your physical male presentation. In other words, what your mind sees through you eyes is what affirms your inner male thoughts/perception.

Later, after SRS, your physical presentation should affirm whatever inner femaleness you have through the HT rewiring process.

I would be very surprised if your mental/psychological state id not change after adequate HT and the effects of SRS.

Huggs
Catherine

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 11:30:02 AM
Hi,
I think I'm starting to see the picture now.

I am so glad you are. I am still confused about this. 

2 years of HRT and FFS and she still wants to be male inside? Help me understand this a little.

I am curious as to whether you are self administering HRT? I cant see a therapist giving a letter for HRT without resolving some of these issue's. Did you go "Informed Consent" for HRT?

QuoteTwo remaining factors that will/should have a major impact on your perceived maleness are: hormone levels and SRS.

Here is the thing though, I really not interested in SRS. I would not want SRS.

Quote2 years of HRT and FFS and she still wants to be male inside? Help me understand this a little.

Yeah this can be very confusing. I clarify again, Its not about want. Its the natural, the default me, mental wise.

QuoteI am curious as to whether you are self administering HRT? I cant see a therapist giving a letter for HRT without resolving some of these issue's. Did you go "Informed Consent" for HRT?

I started of as self med but latter on monitored by Dr. I'm lucky I guess that he is willing to help me without questioning much. 

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 10:31:58 AM
With an attitude like that, you're heading for a disaster.

Baby, I have to go with this right now. You NEED to see a therapist to sort all of this out. Transition is permanent and you cant pick and choose what you want to happen as far as HRT. I would hope your monitoring doctor would realize he is not making things any better for you at all by just going along with these unresolved issue's. You really need to get your emotional and physical issue's on the same page. Please don't get angry at me for my comments as I would not be supporting you properly if I didn't try to get through how much you need a therapist right now. Please, please find one soon! I want nothing more than for you to be well adjusted and happy in the future and not be filled with regret for altering your body and having second thoughts about it later.

QuoteBaby, I have to go with this right now. You NEED to see a therapist to sort all of this out.

Yes, I've tried that. I've been to multiple therapist. I don't see how the new one can help me. I do agree with one of them, that whatever I do I shouldn't find the perfect solution, I have to make some compromise.

I don't regret anything though, Its just useless unless we can turn back time  .

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 15, 2014, 11:53:20 AM
Baby, I have to go with this right now. You NEED to see a therapist to sort all of this out. Transition is permanent and you cant pick and choose what you want to happen as far as HRT. I would hope your monitoring doctor would realize he is not making things any better for you at all by just going along with these unresolved issue's. You really need to get your emotional and physical issue's on the same page. Please don't get angry at me for my comments as I would not be supporting you properly if I didn't try to get through how much you need a therapist right now. Please, please find one soon! I want nothing more than for you to be well adjusted and happy in the future and not be filled with regret for altering your body and having second thoughts about it later.

Yes, I think your in an infinite loop. therapy would help

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 10:31:58 AM
Hi

With an attitude like that, you're heading for a disaster. Exerting an inner maleness to the outside will see you being perceived as a man in a dress.

Albeit HT will attempt to rewire your brain, if you fight it you'll be sending mixed signals with your communications. Men and women think and express their respective ideas completely differently to each other.

Maintaining this attitude will only increase your social isolation as neither gender will be able to relate to you. I strongly suggest you take this matter up with your therapist, before it gets out of hand.

Huggs
Catherine

Maybe the OP doesn't want to be seen as a man in a dress and maybe you know something I don't, but is there anything wrong with being a man in a dress?  I sure hope you don't think so.  Gender identity and preferred gender expression don't always have to match to equal happiness. 

I do see how making permanent life changing medical decisions without a therapist could be trouble though.  I would caution about doing anything irreversible without really being sure that you'd be happy with the decision.

QuoteI do see how making permanent life changing medical decisions without a therapist could be trouble though.  I would caution about doing anything irreversible without really being sure that you'd be happy with the decision.

Agree, but sometime I can't never be sure of anything without trying it. Well I accept the risk.

Quote from: Caysee Danielle on February 15, 2014, 12:02:03 PM
Maybe the OP doesn't want to be seen as a man in a dress and maybe you know something I don't, but is there anything wrong with being a man in a dress?

Oh Caysee, please don't think I would ever find anything wrong with this at all. It just seems like there is a personality issue that could lead to tragedy if not discovered. I would never put down or judge any of my brothers or sisters here. It is just my opinion though that the OP has self medicated, resisted therapy, had FFS and is confused and unsure right now, that's all. That to me equals tragedy, if not now in the future.

Quoteresisted therapy

Just clarify, I'm not resisting therapy. Its just they are not useful for me. It could be useful for other people though.