TDOR Speech re: unifying the community

[ThePhoenix]

I don't know where to put this because it is not really activism, not an editorial, and not political per se.  It's just talk about a more inclusive trans* community that avoids some of the infighting that is common in the community. 

This is the text of a speech I made at the Montgomery County, Maryland Transgender Day of Remembrance and Unity which was observed November 16, 2013.  Since I gave it, I have had people bugging me to publish it somewhere.  Most recently, I had someone urging me to publish it earlier today.  Soooooooo . . . Since I don't really know where else to put it, I am going to go ahead and put it here in hopes that it may spark some discussion about a more inclusive community or otherwise be helpful to people.  Here it is:

I'd like us to step away from the present day for a moment and step back to July 4, 1776.  A group of men signed a document announcing that they planned to lead a rural backwater in a rebellion against the superpower of their day.  They knew that the penalty for their action was death by hanging.  And they knew that their only hope of victory lay in overcoming their own divisions and standing together.  They came up with various ways of expressing that need.  Some that we remember today include the image of a snake divided into segments with the message written below it, "join or die."  Or perhaps Ben Franklin put it most cleverly:  "We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately."  There were many ways to express the idea, but the idea was always the same:  join together or die separately. 

So you may be wondering, what does the beginning of our country have to do with the Transgender Day of Remembrance?  We are few.  We are wounded.  We are poor.  We are some of the least powerful people in this world.  Yet we are the only people who will make our lives better.  We face the same choice as this country's founders:  join together or die separately.

As I travel around the trans* community, I see little unity.  I see division.  I see us fighting among ourselves.  And while we fight, the list of names we remember on the Day of Remembrance grows longer.  Transmen and transwomen don't associate with one another.  The list of names grows longer.  People of color are left out to fend for themselves.  The list of names grows longer.  Genderqueer people are told they make trans* people look bad.  The list of names grows longer.  One organization works to pass a bill protecting us.   A second organization working for the same goal tries with all it's might to undo the work of the first.  The list of names grows longer.  We exclude stealth people, telling them they are traitors.  The list of names grows longer.  Trans* people who find a home with cisgender people are told they are "not trans* enough."  The list of names grows longer.  As we fight among ourselves over petty issues, people are dying and the list of names we remember today keeps getting longer.  And in case you're wondering, yes, I have actually witnessed everything I just listed, and I've been a target for much of it myself.

On so many levels and in so many ways, we are divided against ourselves.  While we fight among ourselves, people are dying.  More to the point, we are dying.  So if the choice is to join together or die, then right now we are choosing to die separately.

I know that we are wounded and angry.  Our wounds and anger make it hard to trust.  I know it because I too am wounded.  But I also know that if I hope to stave off homelessness or one day work as a lawyer again, my best hope lies in joining forces to work with everyone else I can find to make all our lives better, for a rising tide really does raise all ships, including mine.  If I am to one day work as a lawyer again, it will happen because the world became more friendly to trans* people.  Not because I tried to lift myself by putting down everyone else down.  So as I make my choice to join together or die separately.  I choose to join together.

What does joining together look like?

It does not matter if you are from Maryland, DC, Virginia, or the moon.  It doesn't matter if you are a transman, a transwoman, genderqueer, a gender ->-bleeped-<-, she male, crossdresser, cisgender ally, detransitioner, retransitioner, multiple transitioner, a person of trans experience, or a person who doesn't quite know exactly what they are.  It doesn't matter if you are a person of color or lily white.  It doesn't matter if you pass or if you think passing is a bad word.  It doesn't matter if you are "out and proud" or if you are deep in stealth, living your life by blending in or perhaps even living in fear.  It does not matter who you are or what you believe.  If you need to honor those who died for being like us, then there is space for you right here, right now.  We don't always agree.  But for today, as we make our choice to join together or die separately, we have chosen  to join together.  But that needs to continue far beyond today.

We are a very diverse community.  We identify in so many ways.  To some of us, being trans* is the core of who we are.  And to others, it is just a part of our history, one we'd rather forget.  We believe many things.  We don't always agree.  But we all have one thing in common:  we are all just trying to live our lives. 

It is no coincidence that the word "unity" is a part of the word "community."  For until we truly have unity, we shall not truly have a community.  We can embrace the differences in our identities.  Disagreements can be worked out.  We can respect one another's beliefs.  Our differences can make us stronger, for where I am weak, someone else is sure to be strong.  We can join together and in ways large and small, make the world better for all of us just by you knowing that you are safe with me and me knowing that I am safe with you.  By knowing that if you need me I'm here.  And if I need you, you will be there.  By making sure that if we fight to end the discrimination and violence we remember today, I am on your side.  And you are on mine.  Just for having done so, the list of names we remember on this day will start to grow slower.  So join together or die separately.  We can join together for all time.  And by doing it, we can start to change the world and save our lives.

What if we recognized that a trans* person was poor, so we had them over for dinner and they had one less meal to buy?  What if we knew that a trans* person couldn't find work, so we handed their resume to our boss and asked, "could we use someone like this?"  What if we knew a trans* person going through hard times and we were just willing to listen?  Might we see fewer suicides if we did this?  If the people we remember today had had a safe place to turn, might some of them still be with us?

Changing the world doesn't require heroism.  It only requires being kind.

So, I say again:  if you want to join together, it does not matter who you are.  It does not matter if you are from Maryland, DC, Virginia, or the moon.  It doesn't matter if you identify as a transman, a transwoman, genderqueer, a gender ->-bleeped-<-, she male, crossdresser, cisgender ally, detransitioner, retransitioner, multiple transitioner, a person of trans experience, or a person who doesn't quite know exactly what they are.  It doesn't matter if you are a person of color or lily white.  It doesn't matter if you pass or if you think passing is a bad word.  It doesn't matter if you are "out and proud" or if you are deep in stealth, living your life by blending in or perhaps even living in fear.  This community is big enough for you.  It has a place for all trans* people of all kinds and all of our allies too. 

If you will stand together with us, would you please rise and stand together right now.

Stay standing for now please and take a look around.  It's good that we gather today in a Christian church.  Regardless of whether you accept Jesus as son of god, or think he was just a man, the fact is that this is a different world because he lived.  Just one person made a huge difference and history is littered with many more of whom the same can be said--Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and many others.  And as I look around, I see a lot more than one person standing together.  Just I magine what we can do together.

It doesn't mean we will all agree.  It doesn't mean we will all be the same.  But it does mean we work together, we embrace our differences, and we do not hurt one another.  We stand together.

To stand today is to make a promise.  So when we leave here today, I have only one request.  It's a call to all of us.  It's a request.  It's a plea.  When you leave here tonight:  Keep. Standing. Together.  Don't let it end today.

Thank you.  Please be seated. 

[peky]

and if we disagree there is always the "negative reputation tool" right?  my fair lady

[ThePhoenix]

Many people do disagree.  There is a lot of sniping and infighting in the trans* community (admittedly Maryland seems a worse place than most).  But the great thing about unity as an issue is that it tends to be . . . well . . . unifying.  Over time, people who prefer dissension and fighting among themselves end up being outsiders because they are the only ones who refused to come aboard with everyone else.

I do not understand why it seems like so often trans* people prefer to snip and snipe at one another instead of supporting one another.  I wish I knew what to do about it.  But the good news is it seems to be an idea whose time has come.  I'm no longer the only person out there preaching the gospel of fighting for us all instead of fighting amongst ourselves. 

If anyone has ideas on how to build a stronger, more inclusive, more supportive, more unified community, I really would like to hear them.

[bunnymom]

I have no suggestions or answers about unity. I may be a fatalist and think it will happen if it is meant to happen.
However, if I stumble upon something that promotes unity, I'll share.
I will share your speech.

[Brooke777]

If anyone has ideas on how to build a stronger, more inclusive, more supportive, more unified community, I really would like to hear them.

My suggestion is to keep preaching, and living what you talked about in your speech. The only way, in my opinion, to change anything is to live by example. You mentioned Martin Luther King Jr. in your speech. He changed things by living what he preached. I agree with everything you said in your speech and feel that if we all try and follow that line of thinking we will eventually overcome our oppression.

Thank you for posting this. I quite enjoyed reading it.

[ThePhoenix]

My suggestion is to keep preaching, and living what you talked about in your speech. The only way, in my opinion, to change anything is to live by example. You mentioned Martin Luther King Jr. in your speech. He changed things by living what he preached. I agree with everything you said in your speech and feel that if we all try and follow that line of thinking we will eventually overcome our oppression.

Thank you for posting this. I quite enjoyed reading it.

When I gave this speech, I thought that the audience was really turned off by it.  Mara Kiesling went after me and seemed unimpressed.  Then after the service, I must have had at least 100 people come up and shake my hand.  The people bugging me to publish it started then and that has not yet stopped.  One minister who sits on the County's Committee on Hate/Violence actually compared it to a speech by Martin Luther King, Jr.  The comparison is, of course, nonsense.  But the reaction made me feel better.

But now I have this thing I wrote and said and I have no idea what to do with it.  I don't enjoy the attention.  But I am very glad you found it enjoyable and helpful. 

[Brooke777]

But now I have this thing I wrote and said and I have no idea what to do with it.  I don't enjoy the attention.  But I am very glad you found it enjoyable and helpful.

If I might make a suggestion, reach out to some of the activist organizations and ask them if they would publish it. They could do it anonymously if you would like. I would suggest the Gay and Lesbian Task force in DC, and to reach the west coast Ingersol in Seattle. Autostraddle, a lesbian website would also probably post it, as well as the Seattle Lesbian (an online news page for lesbians). All of these organizations are pro-trans. I do believe that this could help the community at large. If you would like some assistance, I have some contacts at most of these organizations. If you are interested, PM me and we will talk about it more.

[suzifrommd]

If anyone has ideas on how to build a stronger, more inclusive, more supportive, more unified community, I really would like to hear them.

Leadership is really challenging. In addition to having management skills, successful leaders absolutely must, must, must have two things:

Vision: The ability to see the correct way forward and to reject those ways that appear to lead somewhere but do not. This requires a magical mix of creativity and judgment that I think can't be taught. I have several times been in the company of visionary leaders and I am quite in awe of what they were able to accomplish. Without this ability it would have been impossible.

Charisma: Vision does no good unless people will follow you. Unlike vision, though, I think charisma can be learned. Influence is a skill made of up of dozens of techniques (sometimes conflicting) and rules of thumb when each might apply. I think of charisma as kind of a toolbox. The more tools you have for influencing people, the more effective a leader you can be, because different tools work in different situations. Sometimes a powerful speech will do the trick, other times person-to-person contact is needed. Persuasion has its place, as does incentive. My experience is that you develop a feel over time of which tool is appropriate for which occasion.

So, my answer to your question would be to develop a vision and broad enough influence skills that will motivate others to follow it.

[ThePhoenix]

If I might make a suggestion, reach out to some of the activist organizations and ask them if they would publish it. They could do it anonymously if you would like. I would suggest the Gay and Lesbian Task force in DC, and to reach the west coast Ingersol in Seattle. Autostraddle, a lesbian website would also probably post it, as well as the Seattle Lesbian (an online news page for lesbians). All of these organizations are pro-trans. I do believe that this could help the community at large. If you would like some assistance, I have some contacts at most of these organizations. If you are interested, PM me and we will talk about it more.

I appreciate the suggestion, but I have a concern about it.  Creating a more unified and supportive community needs to come from the trans* community.  We are the ones who have to do it.  I don't mind if someone wanted to put it in a gay or lesbian publication, but I am concerned that if it came from somewhere the NGLTF or elsewhere that is an LG or LGB dominated source, it would be perceived as gay folks telling trans* people what to do, even if they were using an officially approved of trans* voice to do it.  That could have the opposite impact of what is tended. 

Since there aren't many T organizations out there and there is very little communication infrastructure, maybe it would be best to make unifying ideas go viral within the community by sharing them with people and getting them to share with others?

Leadership is really challenging. In addition to having management skills, successful leaders absolutely must, must, must have two things:

Vision: The ability to see the correct way forward and to reject those ways that appear to lead somewhere but do not. This requires a magical mix of creativity and judgment that I think can't be taught. I have several times been in the company of visionary leaders and I am quite in awe of what they were able to accomplish. Without this ability it would have been impossible.

Charisma: Vision does no good unless people will follow you. Unlike vision, though, I think charisma can be learned. Influence is a skill made of up of dozens of techniques (sometimes conflicting) and rules of thumb when each might apply. I think of charisma as kind of a toolbox. The more tools you have for influencing people, the more effective a leader you can be, because different tools work in different situations. Sometimes a powerful speech will do the trick, other times person-to-person contact is needed. Persuasion has its place, as does incentive. My experience is that you develop a feel over time of which tool is appropriate for which occasion.

So, my answer to your question would be to develop a vision and broad enough influence skills that will motivate others to follow it.

Thank you for this.  I agree with you that vision and charisma are needed things.  And I am very thankful to anyone who can help me to develop these skills.  They are not only needed here. They are hugely useful in life as a whole.

But I also read this as suggesting that I personally should develop these things, presumably because I personally should lead the effort to unify the trans* community.  If the assumption is that I would lead something, then I disagree with that.  If any one person--whether me or someone else--were to lead this then as soon as that unifying leader was absent, the unity they achieved would likely fall apart.  This is about trying to make a change in mind sets and in hearts.  It is not that we are trying to achieve a particular goal.  Except that we are trying to change the ways people go about achieving those goals--all for one and one for all rather than people tearing one another down.

For this to work, it needs to be we, not me, who are doing it.  And we all lead simply by being ourselves and practicing supportiveness and inclusion in our daily lives. 

And then, of course, there's the fact that I don't want the job, which is another issue of its own . . . .

[Brooke777]

I appreciate the suggestion, but I have a concern about it.  Creating a more unified and supportive community needs to come from the trans* community.  We are the ones who have to do it.  I don't mind if someone wanted to put it in a gay or lesbian publication, but I am concerned that if it came from somewhere the NGLTF or elsewhere that is an LG or LGB dominated source, it would be perceived as gay folks telling trans* people what to do, even if they were using an officially approved of trans* voice to do it.  That could have the opposite impact of what is tended. 

Since there aren't many T organizations out there and there is very little communication infrastructure, maybe it would be best to make unifying ideas go viral within the community by sharing them with people and getting them to share with others?

I can appreciate your concern. Ingersol in Seattle is a transgender organization. It was founded by a trans woman I know. I will probably be seeing her this week if you would like me to mention it to her. If not, that's fine too. I don't want to come across as being pushy.

[suzifrommd]

But I also read this as suggesting that I personally should develop these things, presumably because I personally should lead the effort to unify the trans* community. 

Not really what I was suggesting. Just saying that if the Trans community is all going to row in the same direction, we'll probably need someone calling the strokes. Sometimes finding a leader or lining up behind one that's already making a difference is better than trying to set one up.

OTOH, if you DO see yourself in that role, these are the skills that would be helpful.

If any one person--whether me or someone else--were to lead this then as soon as that unifying leader was absent, the unity they achieved would likely fall apart. 

Well good leaders do their best to build continuity in their organizations. When I took leadership classes, there was an entire session on "succession management", meaning how to ensure the organization continues without you.

You're right that it's easier said than done. Apple Computer has really struggled after Jobs was gone, but that doesn't mean the company didn't achieve exciting results (as anyone whose ever used an IPOD, IPhone or IPAD will attest). Counterexamples exists. Many organizations continue to be relevant after their founding visionary departs.

This is about trying to make a change in mind sets and in hearts.  It is not that we are trying to achieve a particular goal.  Except that we are trying to change the ways people go about achieving those goals--all for one and one for all rather than people tearing one another down.

Here I've got to disagree. It would be really hard to "unite people in the name of unity". People with busy lives unite and work together only when they DO have a particular goal they want to achieve.

And we all lead simply by being ourselves and practicing supportiveness and inclusion in our daily lives. 

Very true, but even in those cases we learn to practice that supportiveness by example. People don't intrinsically know how to support others, right? (Well maybe some, but for most, it helps to see it done.) I struggle to think of any major social change that was brought about simply because people, on their own, decided to do the right thing.

And then, of course, there's the fact that I don't want the job, which is another issue of its own . . . .

No? I read your early posts in this thread as essentially saying "I made this speech, now how can I make sure the message is heeded?"

The only person whose actions you have any control over is yourself, right? Where others are concerned, we can only lead, influence, or sit back and hope.

[Ltl89]

I'll be honest, I have no interest uniting other than in a symbolic sense or in a limited capacity.  Personally, I'd like to just be done with my transition and then go stealth and just live my life. That's not to say that I won't advocate issues that concern us or support others in the community, but I'm really not interested in being openly trans and don't want that to define me.  In order to achieve what you say a level of privacy has to be sacrificed.  I'll always stand up for lgbt rights and fight in my own way, but I don't care to put myself out there and risk my own sense of comfort and ability to blend.  That may make me a bad person, but it's how I feel. 

[ThePhoenix]

I'll be honest, I have no interest uniting other than in a symbolic sense or in a limited capacity.  Personally, I'd like to just be done with my transition and then go stealth and just live my life. That's not to say that I won't advocate issues that concern us or support others in the community, but I'm really not interested in being openly trans and don't want that to define me.  In order to achieve what you say a level of privacy has to be sacrificed.  I'll always stand up for lgbt rights and fight in my own way, but I don't care to put myself out there and risk my own sense of comfort and ability to blend.  That may make me a bad person, but it's how I feel.

Hmmmm, I'm not sure who the "you" you're referring to is.  But if you read the speech, you'll see that one of the things I did was criticize those who complain about stealth trans* people.   I don't see why being openly trans* or being defined by being trans* is at all necessary.  I certainly don't think aspiring to that makes you a bad person.  Maybe you are responding to someone else, but I just thought I should point that out.

Still mulling over responses to the other two posters . . . .

[Ltl89]

Hmmmm, I'm not sure who the "you" you're referring to is.  But if you read the speech, you'll see that one of the things I did was criticize those who complain about stealth trans* people.   I don't see why being openly trans* or being defined by being trans* is at all necessary.  I certainly don't think aspiring to that makes you a bad person.  Maybe you are responding to someone else, but I just thought I should point that out.

Still mulling over responses to the other two posters . . . .

Perhaps I didn't catch your meaning.  In what way do you want us to unite? If it's just symbolically, I'm fine with that.  I kind of took it more of a call of advocacy from within the community.  That I support as well, just in a more quiet way for myself that doesn't require sacrificing my privacy.  I think I may have misunderstood your initial post as a call to arms rather than a symbolic form of unity, so I apologize if that's the case.

[ThePhoenix]

Perhaps I didn't catch your meaning.  In what way do you want us to unite? If it's just symbolically, I'm fine with that.  I kind of took it more of a call of advocacy from within the community.  That I support as well, just in a more quiet way for myself that doesn't require sacrificing my privacy.  I think I may have misunderstood your initial post as a call to arms rather than a symbolic form of unity, so I apologize if that's the case.

I want trans* people to be nice to one another and support one another.  I want transsexual separatists to quit the stuff about not having anything to do with everyone else across the trans* spectrum.  I want the greater trans* community to quit excluding and labeling certain identities as bad (de/retransitioners, gender->-bleeped-<-s, and ->-bleeped-<-s among others).  I want transmen and transwomen to embrace genderqueer persons and welcome them as part of the same community.  I want the "more trans than thou" crowd to get off their high horses and quit trying to make themselves better than others because they aren't.  And I want the "out and proud" crowd to quit putting down the quiet crowds like stealth people.

In putting together the TDOR service this year, we had a couple of attendees who objected to the fact that I suggested some people might be reluctant to participate if doing so meant they would likely get outed in the press.  Those two individuals felt that anyone who didn't want that to happen should not be allowed to participate in the TDOR service at all.  Since my org is the largest trans* org in the county, we had more votes (about half) than anyone else on the planning committee.  So that notion didn't fly very far.  But I made a point of including a very direct repudiation of that notion in the speech.

I don't think I actually mentioned advocacy very much.  It would be nice if when one advocacy org tries to stage a rally and lobbying event to support trans* rights another advocacy org would not work the phones in an effort to prevent people from showing up.  So I did mention something about that.  But this speech barely even mentioned political advocacy.  It was about the community as a whole. 

I do discuss advocacy, but I deal with the advocates outside of TDOR.

[ThePhoenix]

I can appreciate your concern. Ingersol in Seattle is a transgender organization. It was founded by a trans woman I know. I will probably be seeing her this week if you would like me to mention it to her. If not, that's fine too. I don't want to come across as being pushy.

If you think it's helpful, feel free.  I don't mind if people put it out there.  If you need anything from me, just let me know.

Not really what I was suggesting. Just saying that if the Trans community is all going to row in the same direction, we'll probably need someone calling the strokes. Sometimes finding a leader or lining up behind one that's already making a difference is better than trying to set one up.

Whoever has that job has a lot of power within the community.  I don't think that any one person should have that much power.  My hope is that I can just get people thinking thoughts like "cooperation is good."  That way when they go out into the larger trans* community and run into trans* people who are all about fighting and tearing one another down, they are thinking different thoughts because the ideas of being nice to one another and cooperating with one another have already been absorbed into their blood.

Here I've got to disagree. It would be really hard to "unite people in the name of unity". People with busy lives unite and work together only when they DO have a particular goal they want to achieve.

But I hope that we can all grasp hold of and embrace the idea of "hey, we all ought to be nice to one another and try to cooperate."  I don't think I'm really saying much more than that. 

No? I read your early posts in this thread as essentially saying "I made this speech, now how can I make sure the message is heeded?"

It's more along the lines of "I made this speech, I've had people bugging me for months now to publish it, so here it is in case it is helpful to people."  This is meant to be the publication.  I posted it on another trans* support site as well.  It's out.  It's published.  If people find it helpful then they are welcome to circulate it, share it, or republish it elsewhere.  If they want me to formally give permissions to publish it elsewhere, I'm happy to do that.  But basically I recognize that some people have seemed to find it helpful.  I hope I've put it in a place where people who are likely to find it helpful can find it.  I'm not sure what else I can or should do.  But I don't want the job of leader of the trans* community.  I've been trying to stay out of it for years now.  I am seriously uncomfortable with the amount of leadership, visibility, and yes, power in this community that I have right now.  I don't want more.  I don't know how I can be more clear about that.

And frankly, I look at the leadership of Gender Rights Maryland in our local and national communities and I fear turning into them.  They are prominent, famous activists who believe in their prominence and local fame a little too much.  They have giant egos run amok.  And they have lost a lot of effectiveness as a result.  I think my chances of avoiding that are best if I can stay in a place of being helpful and supportive to others rather than trying to be the person calling the shots.  It helps to keep my ego smaller than it might otherwise be.

[bunnymom]

As I contemplate this issue, it occurs to me that trans* folk are as diverse and widespread as "straight" folk.
I wonder if there aren't enought "straight" or cis allies to allow those who wish to be stealth to blend in with "them".
Perhaps the natural and oft justified mistrust of straight folks prevents the comraderie. It msy be coming from a biased point of view, but it takes all kinds to create broad acceptance.
Takes me back to the 60s and 70s of "is she or isn't she?" Let 'em wonder.
We must not accept any meanness.

[Tristan]

Yeah you could do what some is are doing. Helping people understand that people who are transitioning want the same normal things everyone else does. And that we are not CD, creeps, child molesters and all that other crap they think.

[ThePhoenix]

As I contemplate this issue, it occurs to me that trans* folk are as diverse and widespread as "straight" folk.
I wonder if there aren't enought "straight" or cis allies to allow those who wish to be stealth to blend in with "them".
Perhaps the natural and oft justified mistrust of straight folks prevents the comraderie. It msy be coming from a biased point of view, but it takes all kinds to create broad acceptance.
Takes me back to the 60s and 70s of "is she or isn't she?" Let 'em wonder.
We must not accept any meanness.

I find that there are plenty of cisgender allies to blend in with.  When I'm not actually doing something trans* related, I am pretty stealth myself.  But I'm still a very vocal and knowledgeable "ally."  Cisgender allies make great camouflage.

[RainbowGuacamole]

I find that there are plenty of cisgender allies to blend in with.  When I'm not actually doing something trans* related, I am pretty stealth myself.  But I'm still a very vocal and knowledgeable "ally."  Cisgender allies make great camouflage.

This. I think that the number of cis allies will only continue to grow as trans issues reach middle America by way of celebrities like Janet Mock and Chaz Bono. A lot of the younger generation is also surprisingly aware of gender variances due to the big social justice push on tumblr. As it becomes less and less acceptable to be ignorant about trans issues, more allies will come out of the woodworks.