Making too many verbal misteps

[GuyVulpin]

I'm already a socially inept introvert for starters. >.>

When with my husband I use all the proper pronouns and everything else, however my most current of mistakes follows as such. When playing in an online game I refer to my husband as 'husband' and no one questions it... except one person. A friend of mine sends me a private message saying that he dosn't like me saying 'husband' but wants me to use the gender neutral word 'spouse'. He refers to my husband as 'he/him' and is willing to make that change in his attitude. He himself is engagued to a MtF individual, however he's still trying to get used to the idea of same-sex couples. So his statement was (in paraphrase) 'could you say spouse and not husband. Hearing that makes me shudder'. I thought for a moment that I had the victory of having my husband propperly represented by his chosen pronouns, and I'll work on getting people used to same-sex couples in time. So I conceded to the agreement that when talking to him I would say 'spouse', for the time, and work him into getting used to the idea of 'husband'.

Well, my chat was viewed by my husband and he did not like this discussion.

It always seems that when talking about my husband in a setting that I deal with people that are not used to the idea of transgendered people or same-sex couples I trip over my words and misrepresent. I want to step easy and try for small victories at a time, however it seems that I upset my husband when I try it. Should I just stop caring about reactions and go 'Braveheart' about this? Also, if you can give me any reading material about this I would be very appreciative.

[blueconstancy]

Personally, I recommend supporting your husband. The problem isn't actually about *you* making mistakes - it's other people who don't want you to admit that your husband IS your husband. (I'm amazed, and horrified, that one of them is engaged to a trans person himself and still can't figure out why you might love your spouse enough to properly call him "husband.") Their requests are ridiculous, and I also strongly suspect that at least some of them would not make such demands of someone in a same-sex relationship with a cis person.

You deserve a lot of credit for being so loving and supportive, and don't let other people convince you that you should feel guilty for putting your marriage first.

[GuyVulpin]

Later that evening I sat down and had a long talk with the before mentioned person. I explained that when my husband and I married he was still trying to assume the identity of his gender that was assigned at birth. However later in our marriage he had decided to reveal to me that he is a transman. It seems that though they have no issue with transgendered individuals they do have an issue with same-sex couples. That was an eyebrow raiser for sure, for me anyways. In our conversation the person said that because we were married as man and wife that they are okay with our relationship. So I posed a question that's caused them to put heavy thought into their own views.

"Would you view our relationship as any less valid if we married after his transition, and why?"

I hope that I can break through to them on some level...

[blueconstancy]

I hope so too, but if not, at least you know who the problem here is (and it's not you).

[Hikari]

Was there any reason for this strange aversion to the term husband? Like they don't seem to be denying your husbands gender identity, but that means they aren't denying you are a man married to a man are they?

I have seen lots of people opposed to same sex marriage but, it could hardly be denied that same sex marriage exists. To me this seems too strange, in any case it isn't that you are doing anything wrong if nothing else it is just proof that you can't please everyone.