How do you deal with sexual harassment at bars?

[monica93304]

In the last year I stopped going to the local gay bar because of a physical and sexual assaults.  So I began going to the dive bar down around the corner. Gay friendly, and TG friendly in general.  But in the last year I've been sexually harassed while in vulnerable positions playing pool. 

A little back ground on me.  When I was 4 years old, I was repeatedly sexually molested by a male family friend.  That stayed with me, in fact drove me to my moms closet.  Inherently I don't trust drunks or men.  But I still have to socialize, so I do my best to go out and have fun.

Well, I've had it.  Last Wednesday it happened again, and pushed the guy that did it.  He was so humiliated that he left the bar with his GF and other friends.  In the process I lost a gay friend for over reacting. Whatever.  I will never put up with that again. So now I'm being made to look as the crazy ->-bleeped-<- to Facebook friends.  Again, whatever. 

My problem is that now I really don't have a social outlet. I would go to other bars, but I'm afraid that not knowing anyone and this town being ultra conservative filled with oil field rough necks, that I can get into a situation that may go worse for me. 

I've been emotionally spent since Wednesday night. I deactivated my FB page.  I have no time for that drama.  I'm going to work harder than ever on my physical conditioning to accelerate my transition and name change.  I feel that I really won't have much of a choice but to relocate back to LA.  Easier said than done. 

How have you ladies dealt with things like this?  I guess I need a pep talk because I'm really hurting right now.

Love,

M.

[stephaniec]

I'm sorry that this has happened. I've stayed away from bars for a long time. I don't have much of a social life except sitting in my favorite coffee house. I just started transitioning so I don't have the problem you have in those situations because the creeps are out there. all I can offer is a little encouragement in that there are good people out there and its only the few bad apples. It's totally messed up when things like this happen.

[mandonlym]

I've dealt with uncomfortable situations both in private and public, both with strangers and people I knew. All those situations were different, but the common thing is finding a good support network of people who have your back. I've been fortunate to have an existing group of straight male friends while I was transitioning, who defended me during a couple of these types of situations. I don't know where you are and whether it's possible for you to do this, but developing friendships has been a good first step for me.

[monica93304]

I don't have good male friends to go out with.  And the "friends" that I thought I had are gay and not willing to even ask if I was ok.  The bar doesn't have bouncers   Mondays thru Wednesdays.  The bar tenders are on the weak side from other situations I've observed. 

I've never really counted on anyone having my back.  No one should go thru this.  It's horrible and unsettling. I've been in a funk that I can't get out of.  But it makes me more determined to be myself. I just need to find the way.

[amZo]

Could I get the address for that bar?

[monica93304]

Could I get the address for that bar?

Why do you ask?

[Jill F]

The last time someone made me uncomfortable at a bar, I simply got up and left. 

Some people really suck when they drink.

[monica93304]

The last time someone made me uncomfortable at a bar, I simply got up and left. 

Some people really suck when they drink.

I agree, but how this happened really got me upset.  It's difficult to put up with that lack of respect and humiliation.

[Jessica Merriman]

I try to avoid bars, but I go out occasionally with some of my friends who have "favorite" places where they are known. I only had one bad experience and with how I handled it word kind of got around not to mess with me. No one lost respect for me because the guy was a leech anyway. I am like Stephanie, I like coffee places and things like that. Bars are just so unpredictable. Be safe.

[monica93304]

I try to avoid bars, but I go out occasionally with some of my friends who have "favorite" places where they are known. I only had one bad experience and with how I handled it word kind of got around not to mess with me. No one lost respect for me because the guy was a leech anyway. I am like Stephanie, I like coffee places and things like that. Bars are just so unpredictable. Be safe.

Thanks for advice girl.

[Jessica Merriman]

Thanks for advice girl.

Glad I could help Monica. Just always remember one thing, we are NOT second class citizens and deserve and should expect the same rights as everyone else. We are not in a lower or substandard class and should not accept that treatment. In fact, we are a little special!

[mandonlym]

Glad I could help Monica. Just always remember one thing, we are NOT second class citizens and deserve and should expect the same rights as everyone else. We are not in a lower or substandard class and should not accept that treatment. In fact, we are a little special!

Yeah, this is what makes me uncomfortable about the idea of leaving a bar if someone's being a jerk. It's the jerk who should leave, not you. Though I suppose that's a little idealistic.

[Jessica Merriman]

Yeah, this is what makes me uncomfortable about the idea of leaving a bar if someone's being a jerk. It's the jerk who should leave, not you. Though I suppose that's a little idealistic.

On the night of my little incident HE got thrown out and the house bought ME a round! *giggle* It felt really good too.

[stephaniec]

Yeah, this is what makes me uncomfortable about the idea of leaving a bar if someone's being a jerk. It's the jerk who should leave, not you. Though I suppose that's a little idealistic.

I don't think it's idealistic it's in the best interest of the bar to keep a safe environment unless the bar is really a dive and the owner a junkie

[LordKAT]

I think you should stop socializing in bars and do volunteer work or join a group that holds your interest.

[Jamie D]

If someone grabbed my ass or boob, I'd deck them.  There is no excuse for sexual harassment.  I don't care if they were drunk or gay or straight.

[monica93304]

I can only imagine what this guys explanation was to his GF as to why I yelled at him to get out of the bar.  I yelled that I would beat the *bleep* out of him if he tried to get close to me.  No one in the bar said anything to me.  It should never have happened.

[monica93304]

If someone grabbed my ass or boob, I'd deck them.  There is no excuse for sexual harassment.  I don't care if they were drunk or gay or straight.

He was lucky I pushed him into the wall.

[suzifrommd]

You didn't overreact, dear. You were assaulted. You have a right to defend yourself.

I'm not confident of my physical presence, so I probably wouldn't confront anyone physically. I also value my life and I never know who might have a weapon and be looking for an excuse to use it.

I'd like to believe I'd seek out whoever is managing the bar and report it to them.