Feeling pretty upset today

[Alaia]

Hey all, hope you all don't mind but I'm in need of venting for a bit.

As some of you know I was scheduled for my first endo appointment today. Well, I was halfway to the doctor's office when the receptionist called to cancel. Apparently the doctor is sick today. She said they could fit me in for another appointment in 4 weeks... 4 weeks! Ugh, I know I should just be seeing this as a minor delay, but I've been plagued with minor delays. I've had my letter for HRT since early October. I was so looking forward to finally being on hormones and now I'm going to have to wait another whole month.

And then my wife was like "Well maybe it's a sign."

Grrr... I told her I was not even remotely in the mood for that crap. She got all defensive about it just being a joke and then we proceeded to have a big discussion/argument about everything. Oh, and while doing so I found out she told her bishop from church about everything. She didn't seem to understand why I was not ok with her telling people without letting me know first. I'm all for her getting the support she needs, but outing me without even running it by me first is not okay. It hurts that she would be so callous as to think there was nothing wrong with it and then get upset over the fact that I had a problem with her doing so.

And I really don't have a problem with her bishop knowing, it's just the whole principle of the matter... But anyway, hopefully some good will come of it. The bishop is going to help her find a therapist as he suggested she needed one. Funny thing is I've been telling her that for weeks, but I guess she's not keen on taking any advice from me lately. This is all just so arrrgh! I really love her, but my frustration is through the roof. I'm sure she feels the same way with me. This whole situation just sucks--for everyone involved.

[stephaniec]

please don't take this wrong. I'm not a wealth of information about marriage given the fact that I've never been married much less have had much of a relationship with anyone in my life. with that said, I don't know how your decision to transition came about but I can't imagine you wife having much say in your decision. For her to approach someone of that nature unilaterally given the nature of the problem and his ethical responsibilities as the shepherd  of his flock. I don't think its unreasonable for a unilateral seeking of advice.

[Alaia]

please don't take this wrong. I'm not a wealth of information about marriage given the fact that I've never been married much less have had much of a relationship with anyone in my life. with that said, I don't know how your decision to transition came about but I can't imagine you wife having much say in your decision. For her to approach someone of that nature unilaterally given the nature of the problem and his ethical responsibilities as the shepherd  of his flock. I don't think its unreasonable for a unilateral seeking of advice.

I get what you are saying. And I really don't have a problem with her seeking help. Perhaps I shouldn't have even brought up the discussion with my wife. Really I'm most upset at having to wait another 4 weeks for HRT. The discussion with my wife was just more kindling for the fire.

[Ms Grace]

Bummer about having to wait another four weeks, do they have you on a waiting list in case someone cancels - it's the least they could do for you.

Your wife should certainly seek people to talk about her issues with, but preferably someone who doesn't know you or people who know you. I guess a bishop is probably sworn to secrecy or something like that, but if you seem them too it makes things very awkward.

[Jessica Merriman]

I do understand the frustration! I have a Therapist that made me go to sessions for 6 months before HRT. Here is a hug for every day the next four weeks for strength.

[Alaia]

Bummer about having to wait another four weeks, do they have you on a waiting list in case someone cancels - it's the least they could do for you.

Your wife should certainly seek people to talk about her issues with, but preferably someone who doesn't know you or people who know you. I guess a bishop is probably sworn to secrecy or something like that, but if you seem them too it makes things very awkward.

Yeah, I am on the cancellation list. But I'm not holding my breath. I was just on a cancellation list for 2 months with my regular MD (for my physical & referral to see the endo)--had to wait the whole time on that one.

As for church leaders being sworn to maintain confidentiality, that may be the case with other churches but has not been my experience with the LDS church. My wife spoke to the bishop yesterday and already I know he has told the person assigned to home teach our family.

Which is kinda sad because I consider that person enough of a friend that I would have wanted to be the one to tell him.

[Satinjoy]

That's a lot of triggers for you.

It's really hard on the wives, we have to give them every break we can.  Therapy will help her.

As to the waiting game.... I know its hard to wait, but there actually could be a little truth in there somewhere... You are ready to rock and roll, but she is reaching out for help.  Gentle my friend, gentle.  The delay in HRT is frustrating, but the women we love have an awful lot to process and the physical changes are going to be intense.  It is hard to hold the marrages together, but it is doable if we see things through their eyes and love them through the transition.  She is transitioning too in a sense, to stay with you and probably to overcome her fears, and is more vulnerable by losing control of you.

Wishing you the best.

[Alaia]

@Satinjoy
I appreciate the wishes and thoughtful advice, but you have the wrong impression about the situation of our marriage. We intend to separate. She is adamant about not wanting to be with me if I transition or even experimenting with it. I am also not budging on my stance that transition is necessary.

I have been as gentle as I could with her for quite some time now. She has known I am transgender for 7 years and that I intend to transition for almost 10 months now. The fact is the longer I delay things the longer she can remain in denial about it. I still love her, but we have almost entirely detached ourselves from each other in an intimate sense. We are best friends whom have a strong disagreement about my transition. She still very much thinks I am choosing to be this way and that I can choose not to. I disagree. I did not choose this but was rather born with it. I can choose how to handle it, but choosing to remain miserable and pretending to be someone I'm not isn't much of a choice.

I fully agree that she needs therapy and have been trying to get her to go for months. I'm glad she is finally taking steps to do so. But it is my right to be upset when she tells people we both know without letting me know first. That is a boundary that I had already set with her. That's probably what bothers me the most, not that she told the bishop, but that she didn't respect my boundaries.


Anyway, on a very happy note, my endocrinologist's office called me today to let me know there was a cancellation. I'm now scheduled to go in tomorrow 

[Satinjoy]

Yeah, I totally missed it, and I am sorry the scenario is going the way it is.  It's not the same as mine.

On another good note, you are probably going to love Estrogen.  My first day on it was amazing.  Try to enjoy feeling the female fat cells fire up - and my color perception changed to.  That fat cell thing was absolutely wild, loved it.

Be well.