I don't know what to do

[Jamie D]

This!  My therapist will MAKE time to see someone who needs help as much as you.  And this is from someone even older and heavier than Jaime D claims to be.

Make the call!

Good advice, and thank you for the inadvertent chortle.

[ErinWDK]

Good advice, and thank you for the inadvertent chortle.

Sorry for misspelling you name.  I never did claim to know how to spell...

[Danielle Emmalee]

Thanks.  I know you're trying to help but I just get so anxious when I even think of talking to anyone about my problems except online.  Once I'm a bit more financially stable I'm going to give online therapy a try.  I'm sure it's better than nothing.

[Heather]

Thanks.  I know you're trying to help but I just get so anxious when I even think of talking to anyone about my problems except online.  Once I'm a bit more financially stable I'm going to give online therapy a try.  I'm sure it's better than nothing.

Eventually your going to have to face your fears in the real world Caysee if you want to truly be yourself. I know it's hard I was once where you were at but I had to face my fears to become the person I was always meant to be.

[Jessica Merriman]

Eventually your going to have to face your fears in the real world Caysee if you want to truly be yourself.

So, so true!

All of us have been to this point. You will not succeed or feel better until you face yourself and then the world. On-line Therapy is great for paying a LOT of money for an HRT letter, but nothing will ever beat a face to face session. There is more than talk that goes on in session. Body movements in response to questions, mannerism's, facial expressions and many other things are studied. The thing that attracted me to real life Therapy is you can build trust which leads to breakthrough's, On-line is usually not as it is sometimes cold and impersonal. Also the temptation to disconnect in topics one is uncomfortable facing is always there. In real life you have to face your fears. I hate the fact you keep saying it won't work when describing Therapy and HRT before you even try it. What have you got to lose, you are already miserable so you cant feel any worse. Try before you give up, OK?

[Jayne]

"i'd rather spend the rest of my life as an ugly woman than end my life as a man"

You asked why I said this so i'll try to clarify, i've spent most of my life battling the depression demon, every time someone called me he/him/sir it felt like a knife twisting in my soul.
2 yrs before I came out I gave up smoking the weed that i'd used for almost 20yrs to drown out how I felt, I knew that I had to resolve my gender issues & to do that I had to have a clear head not effected by the drugs.

Once my head was clear the feeling that I needed to be true to my inner female grew & grew until all I could think about was that I couldn't face the rest of my life as a man. Due to growing up with a very homophobic/transphobic father I spent a long time thinking that it would be better to put an end to my life rather than transition.
I laid plans for ending my life & after several nights of staring at the large amount of pills & vodka that I had planned to take I had a personal revelation that if I was determined to end my life then I truly had nothing to lose by transitioning.
It took almost 3yrs to get HRT on the NHS but the day after I started HRT I knew I had made the right decision, A few days after starting HRT I noticed that I smelled different & it no longer repulsed me when I woke up in the morning to the point where I would dive straight into a bath to rid myself of the male stench.
Over the last 6 months on HRT I have noticed many things that confirm this is the right path for me both physicaly & mentaly, I still have a long way to go in my transition but I am now at peace with who & what I am.

I had spent over 30yrs of my life living in misery because I was living the life other people expected me to live whilst they lived their life however they wanted.
If once i've finished my transition & people judge me to be an ugly woman then who cares? At least i'll be a living breathing woman instead of being a male corpse rotting in a grave somewhere.
Once i've been on HRT for a few years I plan to have FFS so who can say how i'll look in years to come?

I hope this clears up why I said that, perhaps it would have been clearer if I changed that phrase to "I'd rather live as an ugly woman than kill myself as a man" but those aren't the words I used several years ago.

[Rachel]

 Caysee, Hugs

15 months ago I was at zero. I did an intake and started my journey.

I use to be extremely introverted, shy and in despair. I have a lot of baggage from my past including guilt, fear and self hate.

There is a reason it is called a journey. I have had a lot of setbacks but I persist. I stated with small steps and keep going.

I have been on HRT 9 months and I look in the mirror and see some change.  I look younger and there are changes but not huge. I am 51. I will never be a beauty externally but I can tell you I feel so good on the inside. I will say, I am getting cute and I am getting attention though.

I put my marriage, child and career on the line because the other option they would have lost me without the opportunity to support me. I took a chance, survived the upheaval and am changing every so slowly into me.

Give yourself the chance. Look inside and make an appointment with a therapist. Hugs.

[suzifrommd]

Thanks.  I know you're trying to help but I just get so anxious when I even think of talking to anyone about my problems except online.  Once I'm a bit more financially stable I'm going to give online therapy a try.  I'm sure it's better than nothing.

Which is worse, being anxious or being miserable with no hope in sight?

There is help available in most places adjusted for ability to pay.

Please don't get in the "I'll get help when..." trap. It's a way for the frightened part of you to keep you from getting help at all.

[Danielle Emmalee]

It's probably just in my head, but I feel like I'm being criticized here for not helping myself.  I'm sure you all have fears and anxiety about stuff in life and it's probably worse than the average person, but I honestly feel like my anxiety goes beyond what most other people really have the ability to understand what it's like.  Everyone I've talked to about my anxiety says they understand and they have anxiety as well but when I elaborate on how bad it is for me, they're always surprised and can't relate.  I know there's nothing you guys here can do besides tell me to get over my fears but honestly if it were that easy I would have done it by now.  I honestly think online therapy is the best I can do for now.  I rarely feel anxiety in online interactions but right now this thread is really bothering me and making me feel like I'm a bad person or something because I won't just get over my fears and see a therapist.  I don't know how you are all viewing me, but I feel like I'm worthless or being looked down on.

[Jessica Merriman]

It's probably just in my head, but I feel like I'm being criticized here for not helping myself.  I'm sure you all have fears and anxiety about stuff in life and it's probably worse than the average person, but I honestly feel like my anxiety goes beyond what most other people really have the ability to understand what it's like.  Everyone I've talked to about my anxiety says they understand and they have anxiety as well but when I elaborate on how bad it is for me, they're always surprised and can't relate.  I know there's nothing you guys here can do besides tell me to get over my fears but honestly if it were that easy I would have done it by now.  I honestly think online therapy is the best I can do for now.  I rarely feel anxiety in online interactions but right now this thread is really bothering me and making me feel like I'm a bad person or something because I won't just get over my fears and see a therapist.  I don't know how you are all viewing me, but I feel like I'm worthless or being looked down on.

Really? I have seen nothing but support and people letting you view their stories which may bring up pain in their own ways by retelling it. I tried to be helpful and supportive, but I am not going to beg. I hope it all works out for you in the future.

[Danielle Emmalee]

And now I'm being criticized for explaining how I feel honestly.  Great.  Sorry I bothered you.

[Danielle Emmalee]

I guess I just don't know how to be a normal member of society.  Everyone always gets mad at me for sharing how I feel about anything.  I should just shutup I guess.

[Danielle Emmalee]

I obviously have a problem with interpreting intentions of other people.  Probably why I can't make friends and why my marriage is ->-bleeped-<-.  Don't know why anyone even bothers pretending to care if I die.

[Jessica Merriman]

I guess I just don't know how to be a normal member of society.  Everyone always gets mad at me for sharing how I feel about anything.  I should just shutup I guess.

No one here want's that at all. This is a support family and we do care. You have been given very good caring advice, but you just don't seem to be accepting it. We have all been where you are at and understand the anger and confusion. When you felt bad we responded as best we could. The next move is totally up to you alone. This issue will not go away or be pushed to the back of your mind, it has to be dealt with. We all took that very long walk into the Therapist office and told our deepest secret. We also know how good it felt to get it off our chest and start to live. As for me, when I presented way ahead of schedule I never looked back once as it was so liberating. The fact is you will never, ever feel any better until you take that long walk as well. Afterwards you will be kicking yourself for not doing it earlier, I did. It is not pleasant, but it is the only way to deal with Dysphoria. They have a treatment for it, but you will have to ask for it yourself. We cant do it for you.

[Keira]

Caysee I can totally relate to your anxiety. It took me a couple months to work up the courage to see a therapist...it was not easy...I was full of anxiety and had a mind brimming with terrible possibilities like "what if the therapist says I'm not trans?".

In hindsight I wasted months worrying over something that wasn't even an issue. I did my two sessions and got diagnosed with gender dysphoria...no issues whatsoever, it was all in my head and not reality.

Please don't waste time, time is a non refundable currency and I greatly regret postponing starting HRT by 6 months. Especially don't waste time when you feel that transitioning is life or death.

The key is finding a therapist that deals specifically with trans people and fully understands our struggles. If they are nice and affordable stick with them...my therapist was expensive but worth it, unfortunately I can't go to her on a regular basis because I can't afford it financially.

If you need to talk PM me, because I very much understand what you are going through.

[Devlyn]

Caysee, people have been depressed and anxious as long as there have been people. Therapy and therapists have been around for approximately one hundred years. It's not the do-all answer that so many offer it as, and for those who have found it helpful, great. Just know that a worldful of people made it before you, and before therapists.

If you want a friend, just be a friend. Now come on home.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Rachel]

Caysee, hugs

Please do not take my sharing and support for criticism. We have all been in a difficult set of conditions. We sometimes jump to the conclusion without spending time in the middle. Our stories are all similar with our own unique variations. Sometimes I forget the first step is the most important and the most difficult.

Last week I went to the incorrect office location of my therapist. I went on a Tuesday and I was at the Wednesday location.  We did the session over the phone and it was easier. I was able to say what I want and to explicit detail. I told her what she asked me a while ago but always gave scant detail. So I think on-line therapy is good and can provide very good support.  At my 53rd week of therapy I switched therapists (not my choice, she was taking a year to do something else) and as others said it would be a good thing for me. I know I feel that time is compressed and I am anxious. So different therapists have different tempos and a connection feel.

Hope this helps, hugs

[Nero]

It's probably just in my head, but I feel like I'm being criticized here for not helping myself.  I'm sure you all have fears and anxiety about stuff in life and it's probably worse than the average person, but I honestly feel like my anxiety goes beyond what most other people really have the ability to understand what it's like.  Everyone I've talked to about my anxiety says they understand and they have anxiety as well but when I elaborate on how bad it is for me, they're always surprised and can't relate.  I know there's nothing you guys here can do besides tell me to get over my fears but honestly if it were that easy I would have done it by now.  I honestly think online therapy is the best I can do for now.  I rarely feel anxiety in online interactions but right now this thread is really bothering me and making me feel like I'm a bad person or something because I won't just get over my fears and see a therapist.  I don't know how you are all viewing me, but I feel like I'm worthless or being looked down on.

I understand. I just drove 4 hours to see my PCP. I had to take a drink before I went in. That's how bad my anxiety is. It's hard. Seeing doctors and therapists is hard. It's ok. I fully understand. Nobody is looking down on you. We're concerned, that's all. We don't know how to help, but we want to. Dysphoria sucks. Depression sucks. We've all been through it and we're here.

[Jayne]

I just want to say that I am in no way judging you or looking down on you.
I simply posted some of my experiences in the hope that you could draw strength from seeing that you are not alone in this.

It took until I was 35 to have the courage to come out, up until then I swung between being depressed about my gender identity & terrified that one day I would blurt out that I was trans.
I can't begin to count the amount of times I felt the words hammering away at my clenched teeth trying to batter their way out.

It doesn't matter how long you take to deal with your situation as long as you find a way to keep living, it's your life & your right to seek happiness

[Nero]

Caysee, I know you and I haven't always agreed on things. But right now, that doesn't matter. You are safe here and people care about you here, including me. Nobody is judging you. We just want you to be okay. You are free to talk and let it out and no one is judging you. We've all dealt with this dysphoria thing and this depression thing. It's ok sweetie. We all care about you and just want to help. Let it out. Say anything you want. I guarantee we've heard it all before (and if we haven't, that's ok, we'll deal with it). The important thing is you now.