How do I deal with my feelings????

[KaitlynLovesEmma]

Somedays are better than others. Somedays I wake up and think Emma my beautiful girl. Some days i wake up and think... Emma my confused boyfriend. How do I fix this? I want to always see her as she feels she is... But I just see her do things like a man would do and my head gets messed up. I think she's not really a girl she just wants to be a girl. Grrr so then I get mad at myself and argue with myself about it then it comes off like I am mad at her. I don't want to be mad. Ugh! Then there's the days I think she's so beautiful and she thinks shes hideous and wears a hoodie all day. It's Like we can't ever be on the same page. Sigh how do I get past this???

[Carlota]

Time, patience, reflection, and realization will become very imporant things inside your relationship. Patience with her, and patience with yourself. 

I think it is important to remember Emma when you have these thought. How would Emma feel if she knew how I felt? We look upon our SO for comfort, reassurance, safety. For many folks who are transgender, their SOs offer that comfort that feeling of its ok to be "me". For Emma, I assume that is what she is hoping for.

Everytime you catch yourself criticizing her, or questioning her identity, stop and reflect. Why am I thinking like this? What is going in at this moment or at another time that made me think like this? She is a woman, and I am pretty sure Emma would be very heartbroken if she heard you talk like this. And i know you don't mean to hurt her. This is going to take action from your part. Self reflection is important, be patient with yourself and Emma. Forgiving myself also became something I did a lot, for hurting Sarah, for not being the person I knew I could be. But in the end, I knew I had to work on being a better SO.

The first year for Sarah and me was a bit of a challenge, and that was even after a year of learning about trans* issues and information. I had to actively break a lot of stereotypes I still had, and analyze my belief systems.

My beliefs aren't perfect and I still work on being a better. Heck, I'd like to read what other people comment because it gives me a fresh perspective and a way to be a more supportive SO.

[Jamie D]

There are going to be days when Emma (or Sarah, too) thinks she's hideous, because her brain still sees her old self.  It takes time to see the changes.

[ikesgirl80]

When Hayleigh does something I label as "boyish", I start to watch for a pattern.  If it is consistent and I have a solution, I say something.  If I don't, then I try not to say anything.  I definitely have times when I fail.  Sometimes a random comment means more to her than to me, but we talk it through.  I try to learn (see my post about red & purple!), and be more aware of the impact of what I say.   

The most recent one I can think of is going from sitting to standing (or vice versa) in a short skirt.  We went out to dinner on Saturday, and she asked how she looked.  I told her that she totally passed (which she did), except for how she transitions.  I modeled for her what she looked like, and showed her what she should do, and we moved on.  She was aware of it the rest of the evening, and it made a huge difference! 

We also try to only change one big thing at a time.  We both get overwhelmed when too many changes are happening.  So we pick one area, and work on it.  If other areas improve naturally, awesome, but we don't focus on it.  When the main area is "acceptable" we pick a new area.  You can always come back if you decide it needs improvement later on.