Fluctuating GID?

[HayleyW]

Hello,

Before i start i should say I have learning difficulties which makes me not the best communicator so I apologise if i don't make much sense.

My main question is, is it normal for GID to fluctuate? For example, in my case, I get really frustrated about how I look and how I'm not presenting as female. I hate how I look when I see pictures of me as a guy, and I look in the mirror and imagine myself as female on a regular basis. These feelings can last days, weeks, sometimes months and all of a sudden, I wake up one morning and they seem to of completely disappeared. Like it wasn't there in the first place. And I go about my day no trouble whatsoever. I even think to myself "I can't believe I wanted to transition, what on earth was i thinking?!". And it's gone, sometimes days, weeks or a couple of months.

But the question of 'what if I was actually trans?" always come back. Again in different ways, sometimes it's a small dot on my radar, sometimes to the point that it can make me down and sad. Especially when I see an attractive lady.

I hope I made sense.

Thanks,
Hayley

[Jill F]

This may have to do with fluctuating testosterone levels and the fact that excess testosterone gets converted to estrogen.  This testosterone conversion threshold can vary from person to person, and within the same individual depending on body fat levels and other hormone levels.

This is what my gender therapist told me when I told her I thought I was bigender.   My dysphoria went through the roof after I had lost a lot of body fat, put on muscle and was sober, but was kept at bay when I was obese, drinking hoppy beer and frequently stoned.

[ErinM]

Yes it makes a lot of sense.

When I started going through the process of self acceptance I would go through cycles of crippling dysphoria and falling back into my old ways (denial).

This was especially true during an episode that sent me to a gender therapist for the first time. I was on the brink of suicide and caught in a perpetual anxiety attack for two weeks. Finally one morning I woke up and said to myself "Oh, everything is fine! Nothing to worry about here." Boy was I wrong.

I eventually did start transition after a couple years of wavering back and forth.

I'm now half way through transition and while things have been going great for me, I still have the occasional day where I ask myself why I'm doing all of this. It usually doesn't  take too long for me to remember . . .

I'm going to quote the standard advice and ask, have you sought out a gender therapist?

(Edited to fix my phones' autocorrect)

[suzifrommd]

Certainly worked that way for me. There were times I was perfectly happy with who I was, and there were times when transition couldn't come quickly enough.

The more I presented as my true gender and felt how natural and real it was, the less tolerance I had for my birth gender.

[Izla]

It's horrible, isn't it? I thought I was over it a few times before - but yet, here I am right now. It's INFURIATING. Never has it disappeared, just been drowned out a little - it's like a contest between which side of your brain can scream the loudest and all you end up hearing is one confusing, incomprehensible MESS of noise.

In my case, it seems to have more to do with my brain bullying me out of something, "You'll never be able to pass", "It's too late now, you're too old", "You'll be laughed at", "Your family will think you're a disgusting pervert", "Just man up" etc. etc.

Does it really, truly disappear for you though? From what I've observed it doesn't disappear, it just lingers in the background - then one thing, any random unexpected thing sets it off and it's back putting a complete roadblock on your life.

I guess it's just something you have to ultimately decide on in the end - if only the path was a little clearer.

[Jill F]

It's horrible, isn't it? I thought I was over it a few times before - but yet, here I am right now. It's INFURIATING. Never has it disappeared, just been drowned out a little - it's like a contest between which side of your brain can scream the loudest and all you end up hearing is one confusing, incomprehensible MESS of noise.

In my case, it seems to have more to do with my brain bullying me out of something, "You'll never be able to pass", "It's too late now, you're too old", "You'll be laughed at", "Your family will think you're a disgusting pervert", "Just man up" etc. etc.

Does it really, truly disappear for you though? From what I've observed it doesn't disappear, it just lingers in the background - then one thing, any random unexpected thing sets it off and it's back putting a complete roadblock on your life.

I guess it's just something you have to ultimately decide on in the end - if only the path was a little clearer.

I hear you.  I was there.  The noise doesn't go away, and in my case it almost killed me when it got so loud and constant that it became impossible to drown out or ignore.  When I saw my own eyes in the mirror in "guyliner" for the first time, it was the most amazing thing.  I saw a glimpse of the woman I knew I was for the first time, and then I really started to lose it.   The ensuing fallout sent me to the ER twice and eventually the therapist that convinced me I needed estrogen.  She was right.  The sh%tstorm in my head turned into a gentle breeze two hours after my first dose.

[Hayley]

I would have "good" or "bad" days with my dysphoria. But I think there are ebbs with any feeling, you don't have 100% constant feeling. At least for me that is true. There are degrees of happiness or depression. Most of the time when I was denying myself I focused on other thing to attempt to forget so it may not be the same as what you are feeling. Like really devoted myself to whatever I could get myself into so I wouldn't feel anything about myself. Like work I would work 12 shifts on days that had bad dysphoria, that way I could focus on my job and the feeling of accomplishment after a job was done. But that feeling would fade back into depression as that was only a temporary reprieve from my mind. Also would never look in mirrors until a few years ago which may or may not be crazy. Eh I am rambling now. Either way I understand the feelings and I would imagine it is fairly normal.

PS. love your name.

[Lizzie]

Sounds pretty normal to me. Jumping back and forth. Consider it part of the denial or just general confusion. I hate looking in mirrors too. I only do it to shave and try to avoid it the rest of the time. Same thing with pictures. Avoid those like the plague.

For me I don't even think I knew what was going on. Plus I ended up staying high all the time so I rarely had a clear head. Only until recently when I got clean did I start to put things together.

[Jessica Merriman]

I had 40 years of what you are describing, finally I had enough. I would "purge" all the time because I went from totally female and then feel shame and try to assimilate as a male. It only got worse as the time went by. I do not have that issue now and I am happy and totally adjusted now as a female after starting transition. Please get a Therapist with gender experience, mine has helped tremendously!

[HayleyW]

Hey Guys!,

Thanks for the replies. It's good to know I'm not alone.

I'm going to quote the standard advice and ask, have you sought out a gender therapist?

(Edited to fix my phones' autocorrect)

Yes I have thought about going to a gender therapist and I will inevitably end up at one. Problem is at the moment I am absolutely terrified over what overs think of me coming out as transgender. That is a big problem with me and it gets in the way of a lot of things, worrying about what others think of me rather than doing whats best for myself.

In my case, it seems to have more to do with my brain bullying me out of something, "You'll never be able to pass", "It's too late now, you're too old", "You'll be laughed at", "Your family will think you're a disgusting pervert", "Just man up" etc. etc.

Does it really, truly disappear for you though? From what I've observed it doesn't disappear, it just lingers in the background - then one thing, any random unexpected thing sets it off and it's back putting a complete roadblock on your life.

I don't think it disappears, more just hides itself. Like G-Man in Half-Life. Not completely gone, more just following you, in the shadows, out of the way, watching your every move. It really shows itself whenever I see a long blonde haired woman and I end up thinking "why isn't that me, why don't I look like that", but when it does hide itself I end up thinking 'Well now its gone, that answers my question. It's obviously some cross-dressing fetish that I've blown completely out of proportion."

It also goes away when I'm going something. Anything to keep me busy. Whether I'm working in a job, playing computer games, learning a language, playing football with my friends, and sometimes during masturbation, basically doing anything to keep my brain busy also helps to take my mind of it.

It's a vicious cycle that always come back, sometimes in a small way, sometimes in a big way. Going to nightclubs with friends surrounded by gorgeous women is, when my GID is bad, my version of hell on earth.

PS. love your name.

Yes it's great. No biased of course

[ErinM]

Yes I have thought about going to a gender therapist and I will inevitably end up at one. Problem is at the moment I am absolutely terrified over what overs think of me coming out as transgender. That is a big problem with me and it gets in the way of a lot of things, worrying about what others think of me rather than doing whats best for myself.

*hugs*

Believe me I've been there. Despite knowing that my therapist is a professional who as heard it countless time before, I was literally shaking when I answered the question as to why I wanted to see her. Despite the fact that I was able to acknowledge the possibility that I was trans* in my head, admitting it even to a total stranger was terrifying.

It's amazing how we can be our own worst enemy. I know that I have had to fight tooth and nail with myself to get to the point were I could tell others. Letting go of all the internalized transphobia, my inhibitions and worry about other's reaction to me have been the bigger part of my transition. I had spent most of my 30 years (at that point) trying to burry this and trying to be who others expected me to be. Letting that go is hard to say the least, but definitely possible.   

[MugwortPsychonaut]

I've had doubts. I've bounced around with therapists for a myriad of reasons, but all of them have been awesome. One of them told me that in her experience, if a person is seriously asking themselves about being trans, they usually are.

Seeing a beautiful woman has always been an ass-kicker for me, too. I related to this comic in a huge way, albeit for a vastly different reason.

http://pbfcomics.com/6/

(If the comic is too violent or triggering, and a moderator wants to erase the link, that's okay; I understand.)

I've discovered that trans feelings don't go away. You can push them aside for a little while, but they always come back. A week after starting estrogen, I stopped for another week. That break -- that deprivation -- is how I realized that transitioning is one of the best decisions I ever made.

If you have trans feelings that come and go the way you describe, they probably mean something. I hope you find your truth.

[Lizzie]

I remember when I went to tell my parents I had to write it down. I was shaking when I gave it to them. I even ended up taking the letter back. It's still hard to talk about atm but it gets easier.

Keep a diary, that way you can make sense of things and look back and see how your feeling flux.

[Rachel]

My Pre HRT GID was at times extremely bad and other times in the shadows but always there. Triggers would be difficult and then again bed time was always a GID time. Now on HRT for 9 months I can say the GD is much less extreme yet always present.