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please do not read if you don't want to be triggered.
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Being trans is the worst thing ever if you care what people think about you or if you are not incredibly introverted. It's the worst minority to be in. Trans people as a group have no dignity in the world and nobody cares. The trans narrative is ridicuous. You mostly can't justmlive your life as a trans person and you have to fught for every little bit of normalcy that will probably never really be normal anyway. It pretty much goes hand in hand with mental illness. Messed up people transition to more messed up people and normal people transition to messed up people. I wish I never transitioned, I know I only did it cuz I was emotionally ruined since forever and didn't care. I wish I never knew what it was like being a girl so I could have made the most of being a boy and not think too hard about not being like other boys. Transitioning made everything impossible, now i hate myself for what I am and I can't stop being gender-ruined.
And trans people are so fake. Oh my god. They just bleed fakeness because they are so desperate for validation. MTFs have such a frAgile pride and they flip out over everything. And they do sooooo much rewriting ofntheir past and it's so stupid. They will have dated or married girls all their lives and try to pass off as a straight girl now. It's always all these excuses, like oh, I just really wanted to be like the girls I was having sex with. Yeah right. For the record I don't blame them, just being trans is that bad... it makes people feel like they have to account for their own past and for who they are. It makes people feel wrong and like they have to be something they're not. But the problem is most trans people don't really fit in outside the trans community. So many trans people can hardly even carry a brief conversation with an average member of their target sex. Cuz the sexes are so different, that's the reality... most trans people will only fit in somewhere if they have no inhibitions and can happily live thru lots of BS just to meet a single person who treats them like a human being.
I wish someone had told me what a horrible thing it is to be trans before I transitioned... trans peopel act like they are so much better off but yeah right. They can only stay stable even bc they have the trans community to accept them, so basically yeah, being trans makes you just trans forever, not your target gender. When do trans people get suicidal? probably a lot more after transition than before. in all these subtle ways I feel like such an alien even if I seem more normal than ever to the world. I hate myself and everything about me and being trans. The worst part is i make a normal girl who is not actually normal. At least if I looked freakish people would know what to expect. I hate that I can't detransition, it is seriously all I can do to not have sui thoughts all freaking day. I don't even want to live this stupid fake life as a fake girl. You can't change your sex. It is not possible. Pretty much all trans people stand out as different to anyone who pays attention. All you get is the pain of realizing that and wishing you could be normal. Whatever. And you know what the funniest part is? The trans community is just the cis world with the gender stereotypes flipped around. I mean not just physically. All the girls date girls, all the guys date guys and you don't fit in if that's not you. All the girls are headstrong and political and competitive and like programming and guns and all the guys are soft and artsy and care too much for their own good and really want a reason to be involved in the gay community. Seriously. It's the exact same polarized stereotypes, just reversed. It doesn't even mean anything anymore to call yourself a guy or a girl, it's empty air, it's like a nickname. MTFs treat FTMs like girls and vice versa. That's why so many actually gay trans people can have relationships with the opposite type of trans... yah know, FTMs but not cis guys. MTFs but never a female.
And it is all so hypocritical. Trans people want to uphold gender stereotypes when it validates them and lash out against them when it's oppressive and stifling. Like ooooh look at me I painted my nails, I'm so girly right? I used to look at women's clothes when I was 5, that makes me super female, shoulda transitioned the first day my friend called me a sissy in grade school and. i secretly liked it. But don't tell me it's weird for a girl to do MMA and fly fighter jets.
I wish i could be a biy again.... so bad. Even the girliest boy in the world would have a better and more normal life than a trans person. At least if I were a boy I wouldn't feel like it's my fault that I am so weird. At least if I were a boy I could stop thinking about gender all. the. time. What a stupid thing to think about. But the world is gendered... but no. I am stuck as a fake girl. Im always gomna feel this way, Never gonna feel natural and whole again. I'm always gonna push people away cuz I can't handle it. I'm always gonna dream of having a life that's not mine, no mattr what. :| yes I a, whining. Cuz that's all. i can do. I can't overcome this because it's not wirth overcoming, I don't want to live my life like this but i am stuck.
I can't even tell my own therapist how I feel cuz my one shred of dignity is that I will never let myself constantly talk about being trans to people IRL. I want to hoppe someome who knows will just forget anyway. But then i have nobody to share this pain with.
