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please do not read if you don't want to be triggered.
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Being trans is the worst thing ever if you care what people think about you or if you are not incredibly introverted. It's the worst minority to be in. Trans people as a group have no dignity in the world and nobody cares. The trans narrative is ridicuous. You mostly can't justmlive your life as a trans person and you have to fught for every little bit of normalcy that will probably never really be normal anyway. It pretty much goes hand in hand with mental illness. Messed up people transition to more messed up people and normal people transition to messed up people. I wish I never transitioned, I know I only did it cuz I was emotionally ruined since forever and didn't care. I wish I never knew what it was like being a girl so I could have made the most of being a boy and not think too hard about not being like other boys. Transitioning made everything impossible, now i hate myself for what I am and I can't stop being gender-ruined.

And trans people are so fake. Oh my god. They just bleed fakeness because they are so desperate for validation. MTFs have such a frAgile pride and they flip out over everything. And they do sooooo much rewriting ofntheir past and it's so stupid. They will have dated or married girls all their lives and try to pass off as a straight girl now. It's always all these excuses, like oh, I just really wanted to be like the girls I was having sex with. Yeah right. For the record I don't blame them, just being trans is that bad... it makes people feel like they have to account for their own past and for who they are. It makes people feel wrong and like they have to be something they're not. But the problem is most trans people don't really fit in outside the trans community. So many trans people can hardly even carry a brief conversation with an average member of their target sex. Cuz the sexes are so different, that's the reality... most trans people will only fit in somewhere if they have no inhibitions and can happily live thru lots of BS just to meet a single person who treats them like a human being.

I wish someone had told me what a horrible thing it is to be trans before I transitioned... trans peopel act like they are so much better off but yeah right. They can only stay stable even bc they have the trans community to accept them, so basically yeah, being trans makes you just trans forever, not your target gender. When do trans people get suicidal? probably a lot more after transition than before. in all these subtle ways I feel like such an alien even if I seem more normal than ever to the world. I hate myself and everything about me and being trans. The worst part is i make a normal girl who is not actually normal. At least if I looked freakish people would know what to expect. I hate that I can't detransition, it is seriously all I can do to not have sui thoughts all freaking day. I don't even want to live this stupid fake life as a fake girl. You can't change your sex. It is not possible. Pretty much all trans people stand out as different to anyone who pays attention. All you get is the pain of realizing that and wishing you could be normal. Whatever. And you know what the funniest part is? The trans community is just the cis world with the gender stereotypes flipped around. I mean not just physically.  All the girls date girls, all the guys date guys and you don't fit in if that's not you. All the girls are headstrong and political and competitive and like programming and guns and all the guys are soft and artsy and care too much for their own good and really want a reason to be involved in the gay community. Seriously. It's the exact same polarized stereotypes, just reversed. It doesn't even mean anything anymore to call yourself a guy or a girl, it's empty air, it's like a nickname. MTFs treat FTMs like girls and vice versa. That's why so many actually gay trans people can have relationships with the opposite type of trans... yah know, FTMs but not cis guys. MTFs but never a female.

And it is all so hypocritical. Trans people want to uphold gender stereotypes when it validates them and lash out against them when it's oppressive and stifling. Like ooooh look at me I painted my nails, I'm so girly right? I used to look at women's clothes when I was 5, that makes me super female, shoulda transitioned the first day my friend called me a sissy in grade school and. i secretly liked it. But don't tell me it's weird for a girl to do MMA and fly fighter jets.

I wish i could be a biy again.... so bad. Even the girliest boy in the world would have a better and more normal life than a trans person. At least if I were a boy I wouldn't feel like it's my fault that I am so weird. At least if I were a boy I could stop thinking about gender all. the. time. What a stupid thing to think about. But the world is gendered... but no. I am stuck as a fake girl. Im always gomna feel this way, Never gonna feel natural and whole again. I'm always gonna push people away cuz I can't handle it. I'm always gonna dream of having a life that's not mine, no mattr what. :| yes I a, whining. Cuz that's all. i can do. I can't overcome this because it's not wirth overcoming, I don't want to live my life like this but i am stuck.

I can't even tell my own therapist how I feel cuz my one shred of dignity is that I will never let myself constantly talk about being trans to people IRL. I want to hoppe someome who knows will just forget anyway. But then i have nobody to share this pain with.

Nice rant. I enjoyed.

I'm sorry that's your experience. Not sure why you're so concerned about what other trans* people are doing, maybe just focus on yourself and forget about them if they bother you that much. Personally the M2F people I know in person are all genuine, decent, wonderful human beings.

If it helps to give you a different perspective, I've found a lot of acceptance from cis people, more than I expected to be honest. And I don't know about other trans* people but I have no intention of whitewashing my past, it is what it is.

Hugs, SP. I know what it's like to feel hopeless. There are indeed a lot of negatives to being trans.

Have you been screened for depression? Reason I ask, is that when I'm depressed, everything seems like a major downer. It all feels like it's all adding up to a life that can't be endured. When I'm past my bout (which usually lasts until I get enough sleep), I can't imagine why I felt that way and my life feels special again. Those same things just become individual annoyances.

If this isn't helpful, please feel free to ignore it. It's what I've got to give this time around.

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 15, 2014, 06:48:59 AM
I'm sorry that's your experience. Not sure why you're so concerned about what other trans* people are doing, maybe just focus on yourself and forget about them if they bother you that much. Personally the M2F people I know in person are all genuine, decent, wonderful human beings.

If it helps to give you a different perspective, I've found a lot of acceptance from cis people, more than I expected to be honest. And I don't know about other trans* people but I have no intention of whitewashing my past, it is what it is.

Thanks. Yeah it is really just how I feel. It's just not for me. It makes me negative though. I mean about gender stuff. I don't,like gender and I kinda feel that the trans community just made me believe more than ever that the sexes are very different.

Quote from: suzifrommd on March 15, 2014, 07:16:21 AM
Hugs, SP. I know what it's like to feel hopeless. There are indeed a lot of negatives to being trans.

Have you been screened for depression? Reason I ask, is that when I'm depressed, everything seems like a major downer. It all feels like it's all adding up to a life that can't be endured. When I'm past my bout (which usually lasts until I get enough sleep), I can't imagine why I felt that way and my life feels special again. Those same things just become individual annoyances.

If this isn't helpful, please feel free to ignore it. It's what I've got to give this time around.

Well yes I have depression and BPD. One of the things I suffer from the BPD is a lack of personal identity. And just having trouble knowing what I want in life. But i didn't know my diagnosis before and how maybe that affected my choice to transition. I wish I would have had someone stop me.

If you think about it, as kids, there really isn't anything different between the male and female sex besides genitals, then puberty hits and that is where the difference comes, but that is just biological, women were meant to get attributes for baby making (breasts, wider hips, etc), men were suppose to be the protectors (more muscle). At one point in the womb all fetus are considered female before the sex is assigned, its why men have nipples. A lot of differences can also be just society's standards, if you go to different parts of the world, men and women can behave differently depending on customs. Not really sure where I was going with this, but was trying to make you feel better in some way about the differences.

Quote from: sad panda on March 15, 2014, 07:22:34 AM

Quote from: suzifrommd on March 15, 2014, 07:16:21 AM
Hugs, SP. I know what it's like to feel hopeless. There are indeed a lot of negatives to being trans.

Have you been screened for depression? Reason I ask, is that when I'm depressed, everything seems like a major downer. It all feels like it's all adding up to a life that can't be endured. When I'm past my bout (which usually lasts until I get enough sleep), I can't imagine why I felt that way and my life feels special again. Those same things just become individual annoyances.

If this isn't helpful, please feel free to ignore it. It's what I've got to give this time around.

Well yes I have depression and BPD. One of the things I suffer from the BPD is a lack of personal identity. And just having trouble knowing what I want in life. But i didn't know my diagnosis before and how maybe that affected my choice to transition. I wish I would have had someone stop me.

Have you been diagnosed with Borderline? (I ask because some people diagnose themselves which is rarely accurate.) If so, it explains a lot of what you've been saying.

Quote from: FA on March 15, 2014, 08:02:07 AM
Well yes I have depression and BPD. One of the things I suffer from the BPD is a lack of personal identity. And just having trouble knowing what I want in life. But i didn't know my diagnosis before and how maybe that affected my choice to transition. I wish I would have had someone stop me.


Have you been diagnosed with Borderline? (I ask because some people diagnose themselves which is rarely accurate.) If so, it explains a lot of what you've been saying.

Uh huh. And my mom has it too. :/

edit: though personally I think I have complex-PTSD instead

Well, is it possible you are really happy in your transition but the identity issues cloud it? I mean, maybe you would be struggling with identity even if you hadn't transitioned.

Not just the identity issues, but the abandonment issues also probably play a large part. Am I right? I'm just guessing because of the social issues you mentioned.
Not all people, cis or trans, are the same and we don't all have the same experiences. I know sometimes it can be hard to focus on that.
I'm also a borderline. I'm "in remission" though. Have you tried DBT?

Well I enjoyed this rant too

I think you made some good points, yeah trans people just cant be normal the sooner you accept this the happier you ll be also we cant get rid of dysphoria completely ,even if you are the prettiest girl there are still regrets...

I dont think its bad though to be trans cause of society and normality etc I think its a bad situation because of your own self hate, and we can only try to eliminate the self hate but it will always be , even at minimum...

Being trans also messes up identity issues...
I mean cis people for example only know that they born male are male , and the same for the females
but we transitioning from one an other dont have such a clear image of male to female , it can mess up your mind...

Anyway the most important thing for me is to accept it , accept that you wont be normal , accept that you wont be a real girl etc etc
its important to know yourself and move forward , eventually things will get better like this.

Quote from: FA on March 15, 2014, 08:29:34 AM
Well, is it possible you are really happy in your transition but the identity issues cloud it? I mean, maybe you would be struggling with identity even if you hadn't transitioned.

Yeah probably but I don't know how to tell what being happy means honestly. Being trans didn't make me feel more joy or anything. on paper it gave me a lot of things I was kept from before but i just don't feel better in the end. But maybe I just can't feel the positive emotions that should have been there otherwise, it feels like i can only see degrees of negative. :c

Quote from: Edge on March 15, 2014, 08:38:25 AM
Not just the identity issues, but the abandonment issues also probably play a large part. Am I right? I'm just guessing because of the social issues you mentioned.
Not all people, cis or trans, are the same and we don't all have the same experiences. I know sometimes it can be hard to focus on that.
I'm also a borderline. I'm "in remission" though. Have you tried DBT?

Yeah definitely. The abandonment issues are a lot worse after transition, I guess I feel even less worthy of love and even more suspicious about what people think of me. I am doing DBT but I'm not very good at the skills yet. I'm trying though. I have come a long way but. sorry to hear that you struggle with this too. I hope you are well.

Quote from: FalsePrincess on March 15, 2014, 08:41:49 AM
Well I enjoyed this rant too

I think you made some good points, yeah trans people just cant be normal the sooner you accept this the happier you ll be also we cant get rid of dysphoria completely ,even if you are the prettiest girl there are still regrets...

I dont think its bad though to be trans cause of society and normality etc I think its a bad situation because of your own self hate, and we can only try to eliminate the self hate but it will always be , even at minimum...

Being trans also messes up identity issues...
I mean cis people for example only know that they born male are male , and the same for the females
but we transitioning from one an other dont have such a clear image of male to female , it can mess up your mind...

Anyway the most important thing for me is to accept it , accept that you wont be normal , accept that you wont be a real girl etc etc
its important to know yourself and move forward , eventually things will get better like this.

I try so hard to accept it but it never feels better, just I either ignore it more or less. But when I ignore it I feel dead inside so. I think it is best just to be your birth sex and get support for who you are in spite of that. That's just me thoug. I wish I could have made friends as a femme male not as a girl with a secret. Y'know? Ehh I know I'm being difficult just i can't change how I feel.

I;m so confused. Are you FtM or MtF - who desires to be male again?

I understand the frustration in your post, i really do. But you go too far and you make sweeping generalisations about individuals within a community. Don't paint me with your brush.

Quote from: sad panda on March 15, 2014, 08:57:20 AM

I try so hard to accept it but it never feels better, just I either ignore it more or less. But when I ignore it I feel dead inside so. I think it is best just to be your birth sex and get support for who you are in spite of that. That's just me thoug. I wish I could have made friends as a femme male not as a girl with a secret. Y'know? Ehh I know I'm being difficult just i can't change how I feel.

Αre you saying its best to be your birth sex because the transformation isnt gonna be that accurate?
but what if you are in your birth sex and have these feelings?isnt that kinda of a torment too?

anyways are you stealth? maybe thats making you feel guilty I dont really know...

anyway stay strong  , do not lose hope...

Quote from: sad panda on March 15, 2014, 08:57:20 AMYeah definitely. The abandonment issues are a lot worse after transition, I guess I feel even less worthy of love and even more suspicious about what people think of me.

Do you think you might be struggling with some internalized transphobia as well? That could definitely contribute and it might be something to discuss with your therapist.

Quote from: sad panda on March 15, 2014, 08:57:20 AMI am doing DBT but I'm not very good at the skills yet. I'm trying though. I have come a long way but. sorry to hear that you struggle with this too. I hope you are well.

Hang in there. The skills get easier the more one practices them as long as they keep at it.
Yeah I'm very well actually. It's not as much of a struggle anymore.

The OP captures some of my frustration with the trans* community, including many things I see but know better than to openly say.  With people I can talk to honestly and privately, I am sometimes even more harsh in my frustrated rants. 

One unfortunate thing I've found is that 100% of my support comes from cispeople.  With them I can be authentic and not have to hide who I am.  They pretty much take me at face value. 

With trans* people, they almost always want me to be more of a man.  I get accused of "giving into societal pressures about what women are like" and being "trans cis" (what does that even mean?) and just simply being "too much like a woman."  The irony of that is incredible.  A group of people complaining that they really are something, but complaining at me for being too much like what I say I am.  Especially since I tried living as a guy and gave it up because I couldn't pull it off. 

I have been to trans* gatherings and been told I can "be myself" here.  But that's not true.  I can be what they think I'm supposed to be.  I have to bury all the stuff that varies.  And alas, this website is no different.  I spend a lot of time biting my tongue, refraining from saying things about myself, and avoiding topics due to the hazards of being honest.  I sometimes wonder why I'm still posting at all.  But I've stopped starting substantive topics, and I do feel that I am gradually moving away from the site as a whole. 

But I disagree that being trans* is a bad thing.  I think that for all the frustration and difficulty, and despite the gender stereotypes being turned on their heads, trans* people are still people.  And trans* is not bad or defective.  Trans* is spicy.  If life is a stew, then trans* people are part of what makes the stew spicier and tastier.  Life would be boring with no trans* people.

Quote from: castle of glass on March 15, 2014, 09:01:13 AM
I;m so confused. Are you FtM or MtF - who desires to be male again?

I understand the frustration in your post, i really do. But you go too far and you make sweeping generalisations about individuals within a community. Don't paint me with your brush.

Sorry, i am maab and live as a girl right now.

Quote from: Edge on March 15, 2014, 09:15:40 AM
Do you think you might be struggling with some internalized transphobia as well? That could definitely contribute and it might be something to discuss with your therapist.
Hang in there. The skills get easier the more one practices them as long as they keep at it.
Yeah I'm very well actually. It's not as much of a struggle anymore.

I guess. I am not sure what that means. Does disagreeing with trans people about gender make me transphobic? I have no problems with people being trans at all. Or anything, I am really relaxed about people's identities. I mean it's not my business, I support anyone being themselves. I still have opinions about what men and women are normally like though, I can't help that. :c if I ever get frustrated with trans people it's just cuz I am confused tho, not because they are doing anything wrong.

But, my therapist knows next to nothing about being trans. I try not to talk about it too much even if she would tell me to if it was bothering me. It just makes me feel bad :/

I'm really happy for you that you are doing so well though. (: I mean that. That is awesome...

Quote from: FalsePrincess on March 15, 2014, 09:07:42 AM
Αre you saying its best to be your birth sex because the transformation isnt gonna be that accurate?
but what if you are in your birth sex and have these feelings?isnt that kinda of a torment too?

anyways are you stealth? maybe thats making you feel guilty I dont really know...

anyway stay strong  , do not lose hope...

Not sure, maybe it is really torment for some people. It wasn't for me specifically, only cuz of how my family treated me. I just wanted it to be socially acceptable for me to do girly things and date guys who otherwise wouldn't. I didn't need to be a girl :/ yeah I am stealth though except for my therapist and my doctor. I guess what I don't have is the body thing,  i had a body that mostly matched my personality except sexually I guess but i'm not a very sexual person....

Quote from: ThePhoenix on March 15, 2014, 09:28:23 AM
The OP captures some of my frustration with the trans* community, including many things I see but know better than to openly say.  With people I can talk to honestly and privately, I am sometimes even more harsh in my frustrated rants. 

One unfortunate thing I've found is that 100% of my support comes from cispeople.  With them I can be authentic and not have to hide who I am.  They pretty much take me at face value. 

With trans* people, they almost always want me to be more of a man.  I get accused of "giving into societal pressures about what women are like" and being "trans cis" (what does that even mean?) and just simply being "too much like a woman."  The irony of that is incredible.  A group of people complaining that they really are something, but complaining at me for being too much like what I say I am.  Especially since I tried living as a guy and gave it up because I couldn't pull it off. 

I have been to trans* gatherings and been told I can "be myself" here.  But that's not true.  I can be what they think I'm supposed to be.  I have to bury all the stuff that varies.  And alas, this website is no different.  I spend a lot of time biting my tongue, refraining from saying things about myself, and avoiding topics due to the hazards of being honest.  I sometimes wonder why I'm still posting at all.  But I've stopped starting substantive topics, and I do feel that I am gradually moving away from the site as a whole. 

But I disagree that being trans* is a bad thing.  I think that for all the frustration and difficulty, and despite the gender stereotypes being turned on their heads, trans* people are still people.  And trans* is not bad or defective.  Trans* is spicy.  If life is a stew, then trans* people are part of what makes the stew spicier and tastier.  Life would be boring with no trans* people.

Yeah I sort of feel like people here can be just as oppressive as the cis world in an opposite way *sometimes*. Probably just because everyone is trying so hard to validate themselves and everyone wants to have the real trans truth. Maybe it is well meaning or they just want to feel valid, but it is still oppressive. IDK. I agree trans is not bad. I don't think that at all.  I just wonder if people are as happy as they say they are. And maybe they are... I just am really biased so it's hard to believe. Well, at any rate i feel bad for trans people because I can't see the trans community becoming a normal part of the cis world. I mean to the extent that gay people have for example, because being gay is a lot more straightforward, being trans is just really anything somebody wants to be gender wise and I don't think cis people get that at all. I mean I am very used to it and supposed to be a part of it and I still don't get it. I guess it's too much/too comfusing for me. ;O;

Thanks for sharing.

Quote from: sad panda on March 15, 2014, 10:35:54 AMI guess. I am not sure what that means.

I mean do you think you are less worthy because you are trans.

Quote from: sad panda on March 15, 2014, 10:35:54 AMBut, my therapist knows next to nothing about being trans. I try not to talk about it too much even if she would tell me to if it was bothering me. It just makes me feel bad :/

Maybe not, but they probably know a thing or two about not feeling worthy.

Quote from: sad panda on March 15, 2014, 10:35:54 AMI'm really happy for you that you are doing so well though. (: I mean that. That is awesome...

Thanks. I hope one day you do well too.

I am sure you understand the logical fallacy of thinking that other people can't be happy with transition because you aren't, and using confirmation bias to disregard those who claim to be happy.

I am sorry you feel this way, and I don't doubt your pain is just as real as mine is, as I try and take people at face value; but certainly you see how what you said encompassing all transpeople is just as hurtful as transpeople who would doubt the issue you have with transition. I find it frustrating when anyone makes overarching generalized statements about groups of people, as they can never be accurate by the very nature that not everyone is the same.