Transition update... total meltdown last week not good..need some advise

[carrie359]

Ok so I did everything right I thought.. had months of therapy and started HRT about three months ago.
Feeling so good about my mind and body changes.. I am a total girl on the inside for sure and making great progress on my looks.
I am very female and the barriers I had put up came crashing down on E.. The HRT has worked wonders.. I am lucky with that.
My entire family accepts me totally and happy for me except my wife of 31 years.
Last week she suggested I get a different house down the street.
She has not taken this well at all and even with the therapy she is getting wants to split if I continue.
Its not that she does not love me.. her heart is broken apart.. she even saved all my clothes I was throwing out because they smell like the old me.
I see the great pain an suffering she has been having and it hurts me so much.
She is trying to survive by distancing herself from me and wants to end our relationship soon
She can't watch me change its too painful for her.
So here is the problem.. I still love her more than you can imagine and I don't want to lose her.
I cried for three days last week and finally decided I want to try and stop transition and try to live as a guy again.
Its a real battle because I know I won't ever be happy as a guy but hell I am 55 so maybe I can take anti depressants or something to cope.
I just at this point don't see me happy as a woman without her and if I continue I will lose her forever and she is my soul mate.
We would work together and see each other but at this point seeing her with someone else will kill me...
I am going to try to at least take a break from HRT try to clear my head and decide.
She will give me time I need.
I am so fem acting now not sure I will even change back to the male I was.. The E feels so good I feel happy all the time except the part of me I am losing.. my wonderful wife..
I know others have gone through this any advise would be helpful..
Carrie

[mrs izzy]

I wish you the best. Yes it is hard dealing with GID. I lost my wife of 25 years, but i did not lose who i was.
I lived all my life to make others happy and it was my time to make myself happy.
No one can expect our spouses to accept us if then can not. They are adults and can make there own minds up.
I am now re-married and finished up my transition almost a year ago.
Why must we live always for others?

Again i wish you the best in your struggles. I truly hope you find happiness somehow. Its all we can ask for in life.

Hugs
Isabell

[carrie359]

Thanks Isabell,
I have always lived to make others happy... especially my wife.. we really are so close.. I wish I could be my real self..so much.. I love how I feel now.. and my GD has already started.. I see a girl on TV with cool nail polish and I cringe.. nail polish Is one of my weaknesses..among every other female thing
Carrie

[mrs izzy]

Everyday is a new day.

Life is so short and maybe you and your wife can come up with some type of terms of acceptence?

Hugs
Isabell

[JamesG]

Yeah,  some kind of compromise, where you don't go full female, but can become androgynous "metrosexual-ish" and still fill the "male" role in your relationship? Like paint your nails with clear, etc.

[carrie359]

Not sure I can sit in the middle.. when the T hits.. my coping has been to indulge myself in an activity like flying or boating.. I may buy another damn plane and get my commercial certificate to keep me busy..
Keeping me happy sure has kept me broke.... seriously..
I sure love my new curves hate to see them go... even my chest development make me feel more normal and happy... this really is hard.
Carrie

Yeah,  some kind of compromise, where you don't go full female, but can become androgynous "metrosexual-ish" and still fill the "male" role in your relationship? Like paint your nails with clear, etc.

[suzifrommd]

I know others have gone through this any advise would be helpful..
Carrie

I'm one of those "others". My wife was initially very supportive. That didn't last.

Hugs. This is was the hardest part of transition.

My only advice would be this: You can't control what your wife does. Don't try. Do what you need to do. Be honest and caring. Do whatever she asks as long as it doesn't compromise who you are.

That last sentence is important. Don't change what you needed to do in hopes that she'll change what she does. She will do what she needs to do. You should do the same.

But understand that you have no control over how she feels, or how this will turn out. It's like the weather. You need to accept it and to feel what you need to feel.

Good luck Carrie. Your wife is lucky that you care so much about her. I really hope this helps. Please keep us posted.

[JamesG]

Yup. While it's easy to say you "support and understand" someone's transition,  its something else to be presented with the shock of its changes.  As I'm sure you're aware, she married a man, specifically the man you presented yourself as. And she built her life, world-view, and future plans and dreams around that.  Now you want to turn that all upside down.  And while women do relate more easily to each other, most do not have any sexual attraction to the non-masculine.  I donno how much that that is an issue, but I'm willing to bet it's a factor.

[Rachel]

Carrie, hugs

I too am presented with a similar dilemma; however, not as extreme.

I will share what my wife said to me. If you stop will you resent me. I said yes.

I am not going off HRT but it does influence how I proceed.

I am going at a pace I think is considerate to both of us.

In the end we all make decisions and compromises and every relationship is different.

Just because you DE transition it does not guarantee she will see you like she saw you before.

I have thought  about what it would be like if I DE transitioned and (although I do not know) I think it would end badly.

I hope things go well for you and please keep us informed of how you are doing. 

[carrie359]

Thanks so much for all the posts girls.
I really really love my wife.. have ever since we met.. We married after just three months and have been together 31 years.
I am in love as much as the first day... and she with me although she is not in love with the girl me that has happened in the last three months.

In my heart I don't know for sure I can be happy and transition.. if I loose her and I will if I continue.
If I keep going I need to move out in the next 8 weeks ............
She will distance herself from me because of the pain and it will be over.
Not sure I can live with that.  My sis thinks I need to be true to myself but hell I am a damn good looking guy.. especially since I lost weight and the hrt really makes me look a lot younger.. which I will lose if I stop taking my meds. I will be at best barely passable as a woman I think  not really sure and I do have issues with vanity..
I am really a mess.. the girl in me took over completely and did not care the cost of transition.. but when reality hit and I knew she was ready to break up I have paused.
I am so confused..
I am going to a lgbt church on Sunday with sis to meet other  trans and plan to  talk to others to see if I can understand myself better..
UGH.. this is so hard
Carrie

[FrancisAnn]

It's tough, no way around it. I've been there with a wife long ago.

Not sure what advise I can give you other than you are not alone whatsoever. I'm sure lots of our members have struggled with the same problems.

Guess just go slow & think thru any major decisions.

[stephaniec]

well, I'm going to toss in my 2 cents here. Take it for what ever. I've lived my entire life with this gorilla standing behind me watching every move. I've been alone all my life due to this dysphoria. it took me a life time to realize what was causing the problem of my loneness. When I was a lot younger I dated a lot had a lot of partners both male and female. Then it stopped and I've been alone for quite a while always wondering why what was wrong with me. I wanted so badly to find a wife ,but never could. My problem was the dysphoria crippled me. I'm transitioning now and feel at peace with myself. What I'd like to say is that really think hard about throwing away a marriage.  It's really all I've wanted for so long and couldn't have. Your so lucky from my perspective to have love .I  know the pain of dysphoria , but I also know the hell of not having love. Please don't take this as just as any thing other then sharing an opinion.

[Satinjoy]

My worst fear.  Still.

I was able to set boundaries and stay with them, find out what was the comfort zone and keep with it, to keep my wife.  She sees male most of the time.  She ignores the feminine side.  There are still difficulties, but I save full transition for when I am alone, and warn her before she walks in on me.  However I have preserved my female physical needs, I just throw something over it.  From the neck up she still sees the same person she married, no dramatic changes, just overall softenings.  I was able to maintain (horrors) a beard for the trade off of keeping the marrage, it is something familiar for her and keeps the rednecks off my neck.  She will never ever see my torso.

So far, it has worked, and there also has been intensive prayer.

So sorry to hear of this with you.  Personally, I cannot stop the estrogen.  But I can maintain the familiar for her.  Sex was lost years ago, partially to BPH, and mostly to dysphoria interference.

Maybe a joint session with a really good trans therapist together can work out some kind of common ground.

I have 25 years of marriage at stake.  I don't know what I would do either.

If you have the courage to talk of detransition, perhaps you can try the middle ground.

Good luck.  So sorry.

[Eva Marie]

Another one here in the spiltsville club.

I was faced with a decision to keep drinking myself to death or get help, and help was to accept who I am and start transitioning. A Hobson's choice.

I had been happily married for 27 years to my soul mate and had two college age kids. I loved being married. I did not like being a guy, and having to be a guy was killing me. It had to be one way or the other, life or an early grave.

I made a decision to live.

My wife didn't want to be in a lesbian relationship and split. Watching her drive away was the absolute worst moment of my life. I almost called her to beg for her to return.

Regrets? To be honest - yeah, all of the time, but they are starting to recede as time passes. It was the worst decision I ever had to make. But life goes on and my wife is starting a new life where she wants to live. Today we were emailing back and forth and were talking about divorce; neither of us can afford to lawyer up and we're trying to settle it amicably. I have mentally moved on too and am in the process of rebuilding my life while also figuring out who I am.

I want her to be happy and I don't want her to be stuck with me if she doesn't want to be, and she wants the same for me. Our paths in life have simply diverged. C'est la via.

My opinion FWIW is that you are heading down a dangerous path that is ultimately going to bring great harm to you, because trans* is not a thing you can wish away. But everyone is different and maybe you can find a way to make it work. My heart goes out to you and I hope for the best for you Carrie.

~Eva

[Ltl89]

I'm sorry everything is going a bit rough.  I really have no great advice to provide, as I've never been married or had to deal with this, but I did want to say hang in there.  There is no shame in thinking about things deeply and factoring all the different costs involved in all the potential angles.  If you can give it time and your wife is at least allowing that, then maybe things will work out some way in the end.  At least, I hope it does for you.  Good luck! 

[carrie359]

Thanks Eva,
I have some family and friends that think I should go all the way.. especially my sisters.. they see me as female now and say I never in my life seemed so alive. They love who I am becoming.. Said I smile all the  time now.
Even my son says the same thing.. that he loves the new me... seeing me so happy and easy going now.
For example, he came over with our grand son.. and I saw his new jacket and noticed it was new.. so I wanted to know all about it and spent time with him chatting about how cool different features were..
In guy mode before HRT I would have never noticed it.. and been annoyed to have to spend time with him at all.
I have not stopped yet.. and not sure I can even though I plan too.
I have no idea how I am going to make this decision.
I did look at a plane today to buy and may just put all my energy into that and getting some advanced certificates in flight which I do love.
Carrie

Another one here in the spiltsville club.

I was faced with a decision to keep drinking myself to death or get help, and help was to accept who I am and start transitioning. A Hobson's choice.

I had been happily married for 27 years to my soul mate and had two college age kids. I loved being married. I did not like being a guy, and having to be a guy was killing me. It had to be one way or the other, life or an early grave.

I made a decision to live.

My wife didn't want to be in a lesbian relationship and split. Watching her drive away was the absolute worst moment of my life. I almost called her to beg for her to return.

Regrets? To be honest - yeah, all of the time, but they are starting to recede as time passes. It was the worst decision I ever had to make. But life goes on and my wife is starting a new life where she wants to live. Today we were emailing back and forth and were talking about divorce; neither of us can afford to lawyer up and we're trying to settle it amicably. I have mentally moved on too and am in the process of rebuilding my life while also figuring out who I am.

I want her to be happy and I don't want her to be stuck with me if she doesn't want to be, and she wants the same for me. Our paths in life have simply diverged. C'est la via.

My opinion FWIW is that you are heading down a dangerous path that is ultimately going to bring great harm to you, because trans* is not a thing you can wish away. But everyone is different and maybe you can find a way to make it work. My heart goes out to you and I hope for the best for you Carrie.

~Eva

[carrie359]

Stephaniec,
Thank you, giving up the love of my life is so hard.. we are so close and have always had a perfect marriage.. except for when I almost transitioned at about age 30 ...then decided not to.. no matter what I do I will always be female inside.
Take care and thanks
Carrie

well, I'm going to toss in my 2 cents here. Take it for what ever. I've lived my entire life with this gorilla standing behind me watching every move. I've been alone all my life due to this dysphoria. it took me a life time to realize what was causing the problem of my loneness. When I was a lot younger I dated a lot had a lot of partners both male and female. Then it stopped and I've been alone for quite a while always wondering why what was wrong with me. I wanted so badly to find a wife ,but never could. My problem was the dysphoria crippled me. I'm transitioning now and feel at peace with myself. What I'd like to say is that really think hard about throwing away a marriage.  It's really all I've wanted for so long and couldn't have. Your so lucky from my perspective to have love .I  know the pain of dysphoria , but I also know the hell of not having love. Please don't take this as just as any thing other then sharing an opinion.

[Nora Kayte]

What I can say is I 100% feel you. I have been able to start hrt for over a month. Every time I look into my wife's eyes I see the pain, so I postpone. Every time we talk she says I have to do what I need to do to be happy and that hurts. Because to me transitioning is not the only thing I need to be happy. I need her. So I say to her I need to move out. And she says I can't move out. And that feels good. But it hurts. She has said she will help by keeping me on Her insurance and pay most.of the bills. But I feel like crap because I've always been the bread winner. But now I am on disability and I need Her help to transition. And that makes me.feel like I'm taking advantage of her, because if in the end we won't be together and I will never be able to pay her back. So just know you are not alone in not knowing what to do. If you ever need to talk just message me. We are close to being in the same.place and maybe we can help each other if its just someone to rant and rave to. I have not.been with mine as long as you. But I've never felt this kind of intense love before in my life of 47 years. I wish you all the luck hon. Everything might not work out the way you want. But it does work out the way it is supposed to.
Tons if hugs,
Norma Lynne

[carrie359]

Oh Norma Lynne,
I wish she would let me at least live with her... If my wife you keep me and I could transition I would be so happy.
I am trying to make the decision to stop HRT but I just don't want to .. I may not be able  to at this point.
For me the E has released the girl in every way.... I have now tasted the other side and I am afraid the male is gone for good.
I have development up top and have some pain there and if I hit something with  my chest it hurts but I love it so  that tells you how I feel.
I am so trans....
I wish I could just go on being a guy for her.. because she makes me happy..
I really don't know what is going to happen.
Thanks so much for your post Norma,
Carrie

[Monique]

i'm sorry to hear that carrie, that's got to be extremely difficult, I myself have never been married but I have had a few girlfriends who didn't like the fact that I wanted to be a woman. That is a very difficult decision to make and it's got to be heart breaking since you have always felt like that. I don't really know what I could say what you should do but I hope everything works out for you carrie.