Woke up this morning to get ready for work, decided to do my stretching exercises as I have been since starting last week. Just a few minutes into it, I'm done on the floor, one leg up towards the ceiling, my hand reaching up towards my toes, suddenly my heart starts fluttering, feeling like its having issues with getting the beats right, did this several times. Took my breath away, does it every time. Its been a while since this last happened to me, and I felt like crap after that for a while, nerves shot to hell and very weak. My mom thought I should stay home, but I had to go in, truck today, I was needed there (friggin' super busy day).
While at work I had some horrible anxiety, hormone withdrawals of coarse, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this bad. And it was so damn humid today, brief showers making it much worst as the day dragged on, unloading the truck seemed to take forever. I absolutely hate the heat, makes me sick feeling and I don't like being all sweaty, especially with my clothes sticking to me. Summer is not even here really, I dread July and August. Once the truck was finally done and I was able to sit down for a brief 10 minute break while I was still tired, worn out like hell, somehow it was enough to refresh me, just enough to work out some HBC before my work day was over with.
While unloading the truck, my boss constantly back and forth, a few minutes helping me, then running up to the front of the store to deal with lines that were backed up, then back to me and so forth until it was finished, at one point she asked me if I had thought more about the assistant manager position that she had offered me a couple weeks before. I told her, so much as I'd really want to take it (this only for the higher pay, a few more bucks I think than what I'm making now) I can't, as it is I already explained to her my problem with people, and my mind is not stable enough for such a responsibility. I told her, if I didn't already have a job there and this was the only thing available and I really desperately needed the job I'd probably had given it a shot, but I can't afford to go for something I don't have confidence in doing and then screw it up and end up losing the only job I have, as measly as it is. I had mentioned to her how almost every job I've ever had, they always wanted to make me a supervisor or manager, I always turned them down. I feel safe doing what I know. I told her I was scared, simple as that. She said, we'll train you. So tempting, because I know she's trying to help me out, but I had to decline.
I get so pissed at myself for my lack of courage when it comes to this kind of stuff, because I'm holding myself back. But seriously, putting someone like me, even though I'm very responsible, there when I'm supposed to be, never need be told to do anything or how to do it, I get straight to work doing what needs to be done, I fluster easily, am way too much of an emotional wreck, and have had too many times where I became self-destructive, that includes sabotaging my own job just to hurt myself.
I was so darn exhausted, from my anxiety, then the heat, that while working out merchandise I kept tearing up, had too much on my mind. I still don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I fricking going on 40, what the hell! I was feeling so bad that if someone came up to me then and asked me out I may've come closer to saying yes. Thought for sure, when I get home I was going straight to bed, after a shower of coarse. Nope, didn't. Took a shower, then did my stretches, I was fine this time. After my mom got off my laptop I started cross-stitching. This helps, being a very focused project, to keep my mind off of the things that are bothering me, most of the time. Though sometimes I just start cursing loudly, I was okay, so far tonight with it. Always helps to listen to some music videos I like on Youtube as well while stitching.
