Sometimes I feel that it is worst when you are both born genetically male and are not fully in one gender (or split in gender), because you both don't have the opportunity to fully explore both sides and you can't effectively function in society unless you choose one side, and as a result if you can't make up your mind you are directionless in life (or keep on going in circles), and that's terrible because you can't build a life for yourself.
. On one hand, I have gender dysphoria often and have wanted to transition for a long time (and see myself on the outside as a woman), and feeling like I've had to repress a lot of femininity. On the other hand, at times I feel more male and even with a desire and energy to aggressively lead (where being male has the advantage), and a desire to be with a woman in a heterosexual relationship (romantically mostly.)
I'm feeling like this is going to have to end in perhaps the toughest decision of my life. I'm still in my early 30s, and I feel like if i'm going to move on and make something of my life, I'm going to have to give up one of my sides, or possibly feel unfulfilled in one side for the rest of my life. I doubt being female I'd be able to display the level of aggressive leading and passion, especially being a transgender female, and I'm still from time to time drawn into a desire with being with a woman in a traditional relationship. However, It really is hard on me often to be stuck in the male side looking at the female world from the outside. Even if I dress up and be a girl temporarily, I feel unfulfilled with not changing my body and not looking authentically female. Obviously transitioning is a serious challenge in and of itself especially, even harder if you have some physical features going against you, even harder if you aren't able to pass.
Being in the middle I don't see as an option, because #1: I don't feel like I can build a life on more than one identity, with people thinking that you have a few loose screws, #2: You can't make a professional life with people seeing you as two different people #3: you have to be naturally bold and completely not caring about what people think of you, which goes against my natural tendencies. #4: if you want to live comfortably you'll be extremely limited in where you are, and as a person that travels, thats very hard on me, #5: How the hell am I going to find a romantic partner? Your unattractive enough in the male world if you aren't solidly masculine, but if you have two identities how many potential partners are not going to see you with a few loose screws? It could possibly be done but you have to be lucky. #6: Life is already complicated and hard enough on me. Not belonging is also hard on me. #7: The majority of the time I have no desire to be in between. #8: Transitioning and being able to fully pass at least gives you the possibility of having a near normal life.
So am I going to have the face the fact that I'm going to have to make a hard decision where I embrace one thing and stuff the other one possibly forever?
I know someone here's going to say for me to see a gender therapist, but #1: I'm always traveling, unless there's an online one that's not an option, #2: I dunno even where to start to find a good gender therapist.
