Sometimes I feel that it is worst when you are both born genetically male and are not fully in one gender (or split in gender), because you both don't have the opportunity to fully explore both sides and you can't effectively function in society unless you choose one side, and as a result if you can't make up your mind you are directionless in life (or keep on going in circles), and that's terrible because you can't build a life for yourself.


.  On one hand, I have gender dysphoria often and have wanted to transition for a long time (and see myself on the outside as a woman), and feeling like I've had to repress a lot of femininity.  On the other hand, at times I feel more male and even with a desire and energy to aggressively lead (where being male has the advantage), and a desire to be with a woman in a heterosexual relationship (romantically mostly.)

I'm feeling like this is going to have to end in perhaps the toughest decision of my life.  I'm still in my early 30s, and I feel like if i'm going to move on and make something of my life, I'm going to have to give up one of my sides, or possibly feel unfulfilled in one side for the rest of my life.  I doubt being female I'd be able to display the level of aggressive leading and passion, especially being a transgender female, and I'm still from time to time drawn into a desire with being with a woman in a traditional relationship.  However, It really is hard on me often to be stuck in the male side looking at the female world from the outside.  Even if I dress up and be a girl temporarily, I feel unfulfilled with not changing my body and not looking authentically female.  Obviously transitioning is a serious challenge in and of itself especially, even harder if you have some physical features going against you, even harder if you aren't able to pass.

Being in the middle I don't see as an option, because #1: I don't feel like I can build a life on more than one identity, with people thinking that you have a few loose screws, #2:  You can't make a professional life with people seeing you as two different people  #3: you have to be naturally bold and completely not caring about what people think of you, which goes against my natural tendencies.  #4:  if you want to live comfortably you'll be extremely limited in where you are, and as a person that travels, thats very hard on me, #5:  How the hell am I going to find a romantic partner?  Your unattractive enough in the male world if you aren't solidly masculine, but if you have two identities how many potential partners are not going to see you with a few loose screws?  It could possibly be done but you have to be lucky. #6: Life is already complicated and hard enough on me.  Not belonging is also hard on me.  #7: The majority of the time I have no desire to be in between.  #8:  Transitioning and being able to fully pass at least gives you the possibility of having a near normal life.

So am I going to have the face the fact that I'm going to have to make a hard decision where I embrace one thing and stuff the other one possibly forever?


I know someone here's going to say for me to see a gender therapist, but #1:  I'm always traveling, unless there's an online one that's not an option, #2:  I dunno even where to start to find a good gender therapist.

I've been where you are (though a couple decades later). Couldn't see staying where I was. Couldn't see staying in the middle. But transition seemed like a big step.

I made the decision and transitioned.

Gave up my wife (but not my kids. They're still around and love me).

But kept nearly everything else. Same job, same friends (such as they are) and same family, who by and large has been supported.

Best decision I ever made. There is nothing like being my authentic self.

I did it largely without therapy. I found a great therapist, but long after I'd already decided to go ahead with it. Most of what I needed I found at Susan's and from transgender folks IRL.

Good luck. We're here to help.

Contact a local LGBT center and ask for a couple gender therapist references. Yes, I sometimes do face time sessions.

Transition does not have to be binary. To the degree of transition that enhances your life while addressing  being you is the goal. 

Quote from: Katelyn on April 17, 2014, 04:46:01 PM
I'm feeling like this is going to have to end in perhaps the toughest decision of my life.  I'm still in my early 30s, and I feel like if i'm going to move on and make something of my life, I'm going to have to give up one of my sides, or possibly feel unfulfilled in one side for the rest of my life.

Hi Katelyn

This is a very tough decision for many of us.  It's a perfectly reasonable response to consider giving up one of your sides, or maybe you can put it on hold for some time - live the one side as fully as possible and then deal with the side you know you want.  I know that might sound strange, but that's what I did.  I read someone commenting that one day a bell goes off in your head, and you know it's time to act, so in that sense you will know when that time has come.

Maybe it's worth writing down a list of pros and cons - I find that works very well to help prioritise, and maybe you've not ticked off enough "to do" boxes in your current gender to justify you taking the plunge.

But most seriously, I believe that speaking to the right professional will allow you to find the right path, and again, maybe you still have a way to walk in your current gender.

Does any of this make sense to you?

Hugs
Julia

I was thinking those same thoughts since about the age of 14. What to do? Life isn't totally horrible as a male. Plenty of good things about it. Plenty of not so good things. Like.... normal. OK, so I'd rather have been born a woman. Get over it.

I couldn't. After I finished university and out on my own, I experimented with transitioning. Decided it wasn't for me. Instead "settle" on being a CD. That escape helped with the dysphoria, up to a point. THat lasted a few years untill the end of marriage #1 came.

Round 2. - essentially a repeat, except this time telling the love of my life about being TG. No-prob. We were engaged for a couple of years. As wedding date pressure mounted she finally cracked. I wasn't a 'Real Man'. (Oh I I've come to dread that "You are so different from other guy's" line. Grrrr)

Round 3 - Sort of another repeat. Fell in love again. An accepting woman, to a point. Relied of CD'ing to get by. Added in my 3D's Diversions, Distractions, and Denial to help me get by. Buried myself in work. Built up an even bigger, stronger facade of a guy image. In essence acting like a total ass. Pissing off my wife. I was at the peak of my career and then the crash, and burn came 6 years ago.

While looking back at my life then I came to the undeniable conclusion that my life was a total mess primarily because I worked so hard at keeping these two very important aspects of myself so totally isolated. Essentially locking away my female side, letting her out of the 'box' for one hour a week. I wasn't a real person. I was a phoney. Everything I accomplished meant nothing. I didn't earn it, some pretender did, not me.

My mantra for the past 6 years has been "I know what doesn't work". I have learned that coming to accept myself for who I am. Allowing myself to express myself as who I am. Seeing for myself that I am far from alone in this world. Along with thousands of other little things is far better for me. My life has vastly improved, my mental an emotional health too. The bonds between my wife and I have been strengthened. Not that there aren't a few rough spots.

Do I want to transition? Do I need to?  Don't know. Still working on that

Quote from: JoanneB on April 18, 2014, 05:31:30 AM
I wasn't a real person. I was a phoney. Everything I accomplished meant nothing. I didn't earn it, some pretender did, not me.

Hey Joanne, I can totally and utterly relate to what you said.  For many years I hid behind the facade of the respectable businessman, knowing that I was essentially a fraud.  It felt ok in an empty kind of way to have "achieved" normality despite myself - married, and, to all practical purposes, a guy.  Whoopie.   

When I ended my marriage a few years ago it started me off on a voyage of self-acceptance and discovery.  A bit unnerving at times, but ultimately very rewarding.  And people have reacted so very positively to my honesty, that I finally have made it clear who I am and what I want.

Is there a lesson in the story?  I guess my previous post says it - that we are only ready when we are ready, and that could be today, tomorrow or in 10 years' time.   

Do I regret starting so late?  Well, sort-of and sort-of not.  On one hand, since I made the jump to presenting as a woman, I am pleasantly surprised by the number of people who think I am better as a woman than I was as a man.  This begs the question, "Why didn't I do this 20 years ago?"  On the other hand, 20 years ago I was an insecure mess, and would never have had the strength of character to see this through.  These days I am pretty clear about my merits and failings, and manage my world quite robustly.  So, on balance, now is very much the right time, for me.

Aargh, damn decisions and complications!

Julia

Quote from: Katelyn on April 17, 2014, 04:46:01 PM

I know someone here's going to say for me to see a gender therapist, but #1:  I'm always traveling, unless there's an online one that's not an option, #2:  I dunno even where to start to find a good gender therapist.

I do understand you...I can tell you that as to counselling, since I relocated to a different country my counseling sessions are on the phone