What's the point in transitioning if you can't transition really young? rant. tw

[Tori]

I am old, ugly, and happy.

You can take my age and my looks, but I will not trade them for my happiness.

[Veronica M]

I am old, ugly, and happy.

You can take my age and my looks, but I will not trade them for my happiness.

Tori, you are far from old and not ugly at all... That said I am glad you are happy.

[Nero]

I am old, ugly, and happy.

You can take my age and my looks, but I will not trade them for my happiness.

Tori, you are far from old and not ugly at all... That said I am glad you are happy.

Ditto. You look really cute in that new pic. But that's not what's important.

[sad panda]

Hmm... hadn't considered that. Maybe that's why I didn't see this as much... all of my female friends during those years were tomboys, math nerds, and theater geeks. So I guess maybe that's why my experience is a bit tainted...


maybe. definitely a different world when everyone's obsessed with your face and tits.

Anyway, I love this song and the video kind of illustrates my point. Look at Alicia and Liv Tyler. Now try to imagine they're 40. Or even 30. Nobody cares. The video would never have been made. But it's not just the video. That's the difference between being a pretty girl at 16, 20. Or maybe even 27. And after. It's a whole different world. Everybody loves you as a young, pretty thing. Everybody - men, women, everybody.

Even at 22 I just feel plain. Add being trans to that... where am I gonna get my self worth from? Even if people want me I don't have what they want, except the boobs I guess. Otherwise, I have the promise of what they want but... that's it. They're just projecting. I guess I have some of the personality but saddled with all these old people worries. Even I just go, sigh, must be nice to be young and pretty. I was at a going out of business sale today and the only stuff I liked was the juniors stuff, but it was really packed, and I mean I realized that I was surrounded by a bunch of 15 year old girls, and I just thought, oh yeah, this stuff is made for them, that's why they get the fun and colorful stuff. Cuz they have fun. What am I even doing here?

I hate getting reminded of my age but it feels like everything does... it hurts doubly cuz when I was actually that age I was just losing my life to mental illness. No clue how I'm gonna live with myself in the future. And it makes me wonder, why did I transition again? But I guess as a man it's even harder to be childish as an adult, that's the one benefit?

Are those Maui Jim's?

No lol, they're just from target.

[Hex]

While I can't believe I'm 27 because I really don't honestly feel that old? I'm ok with it. I hold onto the fact that while my body might get old looking, inside I'm a 10 year old nutjob who still runs around blowing raspberries at people, making immature jokes, drawing adult content, and keeping up with the times, new gadgets, always learning new things ect. I was one of those sponge kids. Random facts poured out of my mouth at a young age. I was always told by my older relatives I was wiser past my years and actually that made me feel good inside.
Honestly I hated my body for so long I stopped caring about it. Do I want to look attractive? Sure. Do I want to be unrealistic and and expect my self to be "pretty and attractive" all my life? No. Beauty isn't everything to everybody and that makes me happy because while appearance might make up a small fraction of what others think of you, it's who you are carrying on the inside that usually matters the most. Yeah I sound like a freaking self inspiration book but it's true and anyone you run into who thinks looks are all that matters, aren't worth your time in the day.

[justpat]

  What an interesting post reminds me of going fishing in a way. What am I, the 64 candles on my cake or the 17 that my chest keeps telling it is when they itch and hurt ?Or the 22 year old kid that just got back from Vietnam with his brain fried and missing a few parts and pieces and not really knowing who he is because his mother took DES when he was still in the womb ? The point is instead of being a confused human being I was a active productive part of society for  a long life till I melted down into a puddle of ---something at age 62.What emerged was a totally different human, being one that thrives on E and shuns T and this was a year before I started hrt on 12/25/2013. I was born again as a new and better version of what I had been. Transitioning to me does not mean being young or beautiful or all that other stuff thats drilled into young peoples heads.It means being ME, and I am alive and truely happy with my life as a comfortable old lady who smiles a whole lot,has a bunch of cats and has truly found an inner peace so many are searching for.   JustPat

[sad panda]

While I can't believe I'm 27 because I really don't honestly feel that old? I'm ok with it. I hold onto the fact that while my body might get old looking, inside I'm a 10 year old nutjob who still runs around blowing raspberries at people, making immature jokes, drawing adult content, and keeping up with the times, new gadgets, always learning new things ect. I was one of those sponge kids. Random facts poured out of my mouth at a young age. I was always told by my older relatives I was wiser past my years and actually that made me feel good inside.
Honestly I hated my body for so long I stopped caring about it. Do I want to look attractive? Sure. Do I want to be unrealistic and and expect my self to be "pretty and attractive" all my life? No. Beauty isn't everything to everybody and that makes me happy because while appearance might make up a small fraction of what others think of you, it's who you are carrying on the inside that usually matters the most. Yeah I sound like a freaking self inspiration book but it's true and anyone you run into who thinks looks are all that matters, aren't worth your time in the day.

Yeah it does matter most, unfortunately I have nothing inside.

[JulieBlair]

Wow!  You guys make me smile.  Getting old isn't anything to worry about, It takes an awfully long time to make a person.  What happens when the pretty fades is the soul gets richer.  If you keep learning, trying, loving you get all that and more in return.  I'm old - damn old.  It is ok.  I have a pile of people that I love and love me.  I've spent decades in study, play, in love, alone, in the human condition.  I've traveled as a youth, as a man, as a woman.  I have climbed mountains, swum with dolphins, walked the streets of many cities.  It takes a long time to do this. 
Yes my body was wrong and I knew it, but I didn't spend my soul despairing.  I've loved women, men, been on stage, done science, written code.  Life is exactly what you are willing to embrace.  Most of you will get to experience the world in your authentic self.  I didn't get to do that until very late, but I did, and do, what I can with what I have. 
We are always in transition - this one is just more magical.  I may never have a lover as a woman, but don't bet on it.  I have some great walks in New Zealand yet to do.  I want to sail the Mediterranean, see the Serengeti, walk in heels through the Arc De Triomphe.
All this and more is available to all of you.  You are beautiful, smart, skilled and lovely.  If you want something go for it, this isn't a rehearsal,  it is real, and it is fun.  Do I make you crazy? Good! I love life and I love you,  I hope as much as I hope for anything that you do too.

Julie

[Hex]

Yeah it does matter most, unfortunately I have nothing inside.

Then put some stuff in there. Go pick up a few skills, make some goals, find things you love, find people who actually care about you and not how you look. You gotta actually try at these things but it's no impossible.

[JulieBlair]

Right On Hex!

[HoneyBunny]

Even at 22 I just feel plain. Add being trans to that... where am I gonna get my self worth from? Even if people want me I don't have what they want, except the boobs I guess. Otherwise, I have the promise of what they want but... that's it. They're just projecting. I guess I have some of the personality but saddled with all these old people worries. Even I just go, sigh, must be nice to be young and pretty. I was at a going out of business sale today and the only stuff I liked was the juniors stuff, but it was really packed, and I mean I realized that I was surrounded by a bunch of 15 year old girls, and I just thought, oh yeah, this stuff is made for them, that's why they get the fun and colorful stuff. Cuz they have fun. What am I even doing here?

I hate getting reminded of my age but it feels like everything does... it hurts doubly cuz when I was actually that age I was just losing my life to mental illness. No clue how I'm gonna live with myself in the future. And it makes me wonder, why did I transition again? But I guess as a man it's even harder to be childish as an adult, that's the one benefit?


No lol, they're just from target.

Oh I know how you feel. I got some jeans from the misses section and I wondered over to the juniors. I felt so old being 23 years old there. Still, there were so many cute clothes I wanted, but I only got a skirt. There are some cute stuff at the misses side of things, but I just wish I could wear young girl clothes. Don't get me wrong, a lot of the stuff is just too teenage for me. I am still learning fashion and how to look good.

I just felt like I missed out on a huge part of my girlhood. I maybe have been kind of a gay guy in high school, but I never got to be a girl. I have never even been on a date with a guy either, but I have a few more years of college ahead of me so all is not lost. Maybe I might even lose my virginity. 

[sad panda]

I don't know... I guess it's just that I'm not attached to anything inside. I mean, I didn't mean to say I'm just a pretty face. I am not. Cuz I spent 8 years of my life alone with no resources where nobody cared about me. I had to do something in that time. I speak a couple languages fluently. I can play fur elise. The whole thing! Lol. I can make anything from pizza to pretzels, bread and bagels to homemade mac n cheese to cake from scratch, without a recipe. I can do calculus... I had a 4.0 in college. I can sew and I can (sort of) sing. I think I can write. Just lots of stuff like that. It doesn't really matter to me though, because none of that stuff is what I really want, and I don't expect anyone to value me for it anyway. I don't even like to tell people stuff like that, I don't want to be those things to them because ultimately they're not me. Just things I did. I cringe when people tell me I'm good at things or something. I don't really know why. But I definitely don't like it.

I just want to have experiences and to love and be loved. I want to feel wanted. I want to live like I did when I was 11. I want to have fun. I want to be young and beautiful forever, but I'm not and I hardly ever was in the first place. :|

Oh I know how you feel. I got some jeans from the misses section and I wondered over to the juniors. I felt so old being 23 years old there. Still, there were so many cute clothes I wanted, but I only got a skirt. There are some cute stuff at the misses side of things, but I just wish I could wear young girl clothes. Don't get me wrong, a lot of the stuff is just too teenage for me. I am still learning fashion and how to look good.

My closet is full of adorable prints and lace panels and hi-lo hems and patterned leggings and stuff. I buy it but I don't usually wear it because I think people will judge me. Kind of a waste of money but. It's pretty pathetic to want to be something you can't, isn't it...

Oh yeah, the really sad thing is I get the urge to shop in the girl's section. I know people would just think I'm buying it for my daughter or something. But maybe on the inside, I am still a little girl. Maybe I never got past that. Just makes me feel like a monster on the outside.

[JulieBlair]

Sad Panda
For what it is worth my daughter, I admire, and appreciate you.  Please let yourself  be yourself.  You are young and free.  Please don't trap yourself in a prison of your own angst.  It is too small, too confining for someone as magnificent as you.
Hugs,
July

[Tori]

Tori, you are far from old and not ugly at all... That said I am glad you are happy.


Ditto. You look really cute in that new pic. But that's not what's important.

Thanks, I photograph well from one angle. 360 degrees in a circle? How many in a globe?

No wig though. At least there's that small victory. I need one.

Photoshop was used, to reduce the file size of the photo.

[HoneyBunny]

My closet is full of adorable prints and lace panels and hi-lo hems and patterned leggings and stuff. I buy it but I don't usually wear it because I think people will judge me. Kind of a waste of money but. It's pretty pathetic to want to be something you can't, isn't it...

Oh yeah, the really sad thing is I get the urge to shop in the girl's section. I know people would just think I'm buying it for my daughter or something. But maybe on the inside, I am still a little girl. Maybe I never got past that. Just makes me feel like a monster on the outside.

Some times I want to dress like a slut, but i can't lol. I mean I still wear guy clothes alot because they are comfy, but I want to experince that part of my youth I missed where I could dress like a slut. I mean I could theoretically do it now, but I would look like a call girl. Maybe part of it is that I have never had a guy in my life. Still, after I turned 21 my life just started going so fast. It used to be the opposite before that. Maybe that is just part of getting old. I should go get wasted at a bar now that I think about it. I need to think of something because other than finishing college I had no plans after 30.

back to clothes, I still see cis women shopping at forever 21 so all is not lost. Besides, some looks I like some one in their 20s and maybe early 30s can pull off.

[Allyda]

  What an interesting post reminds me of going fishing in a way. What am I, the 64 candles on my cake or the 17 that my chest keeps telling it is when they itch and hurt ?Or the 22 year old kid that just got back from Vietnam with his brain fried and missing a few parts and pieces and not really knowing who he is because his mother took DES when he was still in the womb ? The point is instead of being a confused human being I was a active productive part of society for  a long life till I melted down into a puddle of ---something at age 62.What emerged was a totally different human, being one that thrives on E and shuns T and this was a year before I started hrt on 12/25/2013. I was born again as a new and better version of what I had been. Transitioning to me does not mean being young or beautiful or all that other stuff thats drilled into young peoples heads.It means being ME, and I am alive and truely happy with my life as a comfortable old lady who smiles a whole lot,has a bunch of cats and has truly found an inner peace so many are searching for.   JustPat

And a woman who made this girl full of doubt, believe in the goodness loving nature of people again, and gain a confidence in myself I thought I'd lost. So here I am at 49 going on 50 this coming Halloween. If I'm to take the OP's point of view instead of starting my hrt on December 27th, 2013, I should have took that third try is a charm shot at ending it -put the muzzle of my 1911 in my mouth as far as it would go and pulled the trigger. But dammit I'm stronger than that and though I had to at the time started my hrt DIY until I found my Endo, I realized I've alot going for me. I've a very feminine body with nice legs alot of women much younger than I don't have. Sure my face needs a little work but that's no different from any woman my age cis or trans. Yes, I'm a bit of a girly girl and looking my best is important to me. But I also realized 49 in this day and age really isn't that old (and neither is 64 my friend). Yes my face could use a lift and I have my "body parts" I'm unhappy with, But again, is this any different than any other trans or cis women my age? No. I have alot of good years left in me and I plan to do whatever it takes to make me happy as I live them as the woman I am. And I have the two best friends a girl could ask for to support me when I'm feeling down. I feel 30 years younger, I'm alive with energy, and life is good. I too have 4 cat's who also give me much comfort, I own my home and the land it's on, my boat, and my truck are paid for as well.

Yes I wish I'd had transitioned way sooner and there are regrets about that. But the reality is I can't do anything about it but be the best woman I can be now living life to the fullest. Just because I'm 49 also doesn't mean I can't be beautiful either. I pass well wherever I go and that's a huge gift as I see it. So no, I don't believe for a second that my life is over cause I'm 49. On the contrary, it's just beginning.

Ally

[sad panda]

Some times I want to dress like a slut, but i can't lol. I mean I still wear guy clothes alot because they are comfy, but I want to experince that part of my youth I missed where I could dress like a slut. I mean I could theoretically do it now, but I would look like a call girl. Maybe part of it is that I have never had a guy in my life. Still, after I turned 21 my life just started going so fast. It used to be the opposite before that. Maybe that is just part of getting old. I should go get wasted at a bar now that I think about it. I need to think of something because other than finishing college I had no plans after 30.

back to clothes, I still see cis women shopping at forever 21 so all is not lost. Besides, some looks I like some one in their 20s and maybe early 30s can pull off.

Well yeah I shop at forever 21 a lot. I mean sometimes I shop at Claire's. Lol. It's kind of sad. I like buying pastel ->-bleeped-<- from china on ebay. It's cheap and there's no target demographic so I don't have to feel as bad. Honestly when my room gets redecorated it's gonna be my princess room and I don't even care. Sex stuff is confusing to me. I don't really want to dress like a slut but I end up liking guys who are emotionally unavailable anyway. So might as well just be slutty.... (it's not like anyone puts up with me for my personality...)

Anyway I don't really have any plans either...

[HoneyBunny]

Well yeah I shop at forever 21 a lot. I mean sometimes I shop at Claire's. Lol. It's kind of sad. I like buying pastel ->-bleeped-<- from china on ebay. It's cheap and there's no target demographic so I don't have to feel as bad. Honestly when my room gets redecorated it's gonna be my princess room and I don't even care. Sex stuff is confusing to me. I don't really want to dress like a slut but I end up liking guys who are emotionally unavailable anyway. So might as well just be slutty.... (it's not like anyone puts up with me for my personality...)

Anyway I don't really have any plans either...

God, I went to the mall a few days ago right when high school kids got out and I just about lost it. On one hand I am happy because I can afford to buy ->-bleeped-<-, but on the other I felt like I missed out on so much of my youth. I need to lose some weight though because the last thing I have is being able to shop at 20 something stores, but I am almost too ->-bleeped-<-ing big to fit into ->-bleeped-<- from forever21. Still, I feel like guys are not paying enough attention to me and I crave their ->-bleeped-<-ing attention for some reason.


and yeah, I really don't plan on living past 30. I think I might make it to 27 or something. Maybe I might take my own life or hopefully I die in a blaze of glory.

[sad panda]

God, I went to the mall a few days ago right when high school kids got out and I just about lost it. On one hand I am happy because I can afford to buy ->-bleeped-<-, but on the other I felt like I missed out on so much of my youth. I need to lose some weight though because the last thing I have is being able to shop at 20 something stores, but I am almost too ->-bleeped-<-ing big to fit into ->-bleeped-<- from forever21. Still, I feel like guys are not paying enough attention to me and I crave their ->-bleeped-<-ing attention for some reason.


and yeah, I really don't plan on living past 30. I think I might make it to 27 or something. Maybe I might take my own life or hopefully I die in a blaze of glory.

Are you sure? They have standard sizes there I think. Well at least up to a large.... I used to be skinnier but my emotional eating and drinking got out of control and I gained 15 lbs late last yr. no fun.....

I'm starting to lose it again and that helps. It is the worst feeling to be too fat for all your own clothes. I decided I'm going to get realllllly thin instead. I actually liked how I looked better for the most part before I took HRT. My face was so little. I looked a lot younger than I realized then.

But yeah I don't feel like a human being when I gain weight. It messes with my self-worth again way too much. Just another fun social standard to transition into. Whereas nobody truly cares if a guy is fat. Though I say that and being fat was just as terrible to me as a boy, so who knows....

I just wish it felt like there WAS a life past 30. I'm so happy that all these older transitioners enjoy their lives. I guess it's just a different perspective. :c

[Kimberley Beauregard]

I am old, ugly, and happy.

You can take my age and my looks, but I will not trade them for my happiness.

I enjoy your posts.