Partner transitioning from MtF

[laur]

Hello,
I'm new to this site and i'm just trying to find people who are going through the same thing that I am going through. My partner of almost 10 years is now transitioning from MtF. It's been a tough ride for us. About 3 years ago he told me that he liked wearing girl's clothes. I was confused but I was accepting of that. As time when on it got more intense. Now he is taking hormones, dresses in female clothing to work and when he goes out. It has really complicated out relationship but we both want to be together. We both love each other very much and he says he still would like to marry me one day. It's just so hard when you loved someone who is now physically not there. The person inside is the same for the most part, i have noticed some changes, but the person on the outside is completely different. I mean i can clearly tell he is a MtF but its not the same. I no longer have my boyfriend. We don't have a romantic relationship. That all stopped about 2 years ago.
The point of this is just to find people who are going through similar situations as me. I need someone to talk to. I have no one to talk to about this. I recently started to talk to a therapist but she even said she wasn't sure how much she could help me.

[Boca.Lisa]

Hi,

Let me start by saying I'm very sorry that youre struggling with this.

Im not a S/O but transitioned several years ago after being married for 20 years and watching my relationship with my ex and my kids start to degrade. Over time, I've learned more about the wake of destruction I left behind me and have gained a sensitivity to the challenges that partners experience.

You raise a couple points in your comments and while i cant tell you what to do, I'd like to just give you some feedback in the event that you choose to stay with your partner.

1. Unfortunately, he is gone. My ex would tell me that I changed and she was right. I was a woman and she was expecting me to continue being a man. you need to decide if you can live with that.

2. You said, "he" a couple times. Do you still see her as him? I suspect that could pose a problem.

3. You said your physical relationship went away. If that's the case, are you friends or a couple? Ask yourself if you are ok being gay and in a loving, sexual relationship with a woman. If not, the question of what are you doing in this relationship comes to mind.

Most people in the community would expect me to "support your partner". While I do support her right to be herself and hopefully find happiness, im a realist and can only hope you can be happy too.

I can tell you that my transition was the most selfish thing I've ever done but the alternative was worse for me. When I talk to my children I realize that they couldn't cope because they longed to have him back. Unlike if I had died, they didnt get to mourn the loss of someone they loved. It sounds to me like you might need to realize that she will consume him.  You can love her but not if you hold out for him.

I hope you are able to make the right decision for you.

Lisa

[laur]

Hello lisa,
Thank you for replying to my post. It means a lot to have someone to talk to that understands both sides.
I'm trying to live with how things are. It's very hard and sometimes I have my good days and others are bad. I know my personality has changed. My partner has even pointed it out. They have told me that I tend to seem upset more then I use to. I hate that this has happened to me but it's true. As you said, in a way I have lost the person i've loved for so long.
I try very hard to call my partner a her but I can't bring myself to. My partner doesn't mind if I call them their birth name so that's what I do. They prefer me not to but they understand.
Even though our physical relationship is gone we still consider ourselves a couple. Some days I say we really don't act like one but then again I know that a relationship isn't just physical. I wish we could have a physical relationship but my partner won't have sex with me. She says there are other ways to have sex that isn't intercourse but I don't see how and she doesn't show that to me. (Which then adds to my body image issues because it leads me to think my partner isn't sexually attracted to me.)
I am not gay and will never consider myself gay. I am not physically attracted to females. I have no problems with lesbians or gay men but I don't consider myself gay. It's complicated I know.

[Boca.Lisa]

Although she doesnt mind you calling her by her boy name, I suspect  the day will come that she will. Keep in mind that tge hormones have likely suppressed her sex drive. Its funny that she probably feels closer to you now while you think she's not interested. The fact that she will not have male/female intercourse with you, and you are not attracted to women anyhow, kinda sums up what I was saying.

It probably needs to be said but it's ok for you to stay close and be supportive while moving on. Mourn the loss. Be a little selfish yourself and get mentally strong enough to allow yourself to have the type of relationship you need,  not the one you are trying to recapture.

I am really very sorry to be so direct. My heart breaks for you both because this is a no win situation unless you can look past gender.

[helen2010]

Hello,
I'm new to this site and i'm just trying to find people who are going through the same thing that I am going through.
I need someone to talk to. I have no one to talk to about this. I recently started to talk to a therapist but she even said she wasn't sure how much she could help me.

Laur

While I am the transitioning partner albeit MTA or MTQ courtesy of low dose hrt I encourage you to participate in the significant others forum.   While every person's story does differ there will be many folk in similar circumstances who can share insight, their stories and their support.

In my case I have also changed but my wife and friends say that I have become a much nicer person and I feel so much better, so much more able to provide the love and support that my wife needs and deserves.

What I have learned is that every person and every relationship differs.   While my wife initially and quite reasonably wanted and needed certainty as to my direction and end point I couldn't give this.   This is fortunate as for me a non binary outcome really works for me and as I don't believe that I will ever fully transition it also works for my wife and for us.  Physical and emotional intimacy has returned and our relationship has flourished.

I can't predict how your relationship will evolve but I can say that with honest communication and plenty of support a shared vision and powerful relationship is indeed possible.

Safe travels

Aisls

[wheat thins are delicious]

It seems to me that you should just go ahead and end the relationship.  You obviously don't respect your partner enough to call her the correct name and pronouns.  You are not attracted to women, which she is and wants you to see her as.  I don't really see it going anywhere.

[alena]

Hi Laur,

I'm transitioning from MTF and came out to my partner back in January. We've been together for six years and it did come as a shock to her. I thought she would leave me straight away but after some thought she said she loved me for who I was and not what I looked like. My partner is straight and not attracted to other women. For now we're committed to each other, but we're also realistic. There are many challenges up ahead for us, especially when I start HRT. I love my partner a lot and want her to be happy as well. I've said to her that she has to think about her own well being while I go through this transition and that if she feels the need to go I'll understand. Each relationship is unique and all I can say is follow your heart and do what is best for yourself. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out right for you.

[laur]

Thank you to everyone for their replies back to me. I really appreciate you all putting your time in to try to help me.
To the person who said i don't have respect for my partner, that is the farthest thing from the truth. I have a lot of respect.

[helen2010]

To the person who said i don't have respect for my partner, that is the farthest thing from the truth. I have a lot of respect.

Laur
The comment was a little harsh.  This situation is confronting and you are adjusting in real time.  If you both adjust then so do the pronouns et al.   Don't beat yourself up. You are reaching out and seeking to understand.  If only every partner was the same.
Be well.
Aisla

[laur]

Thank you! It's nice to hear that others see how hard this is for me also. And for people to see how understanding and supportive I am. Thank you

[Sayra]

Hi Laur, I was in the same boat as you back in February. Although it took a lot of conversations to get to where my husband and I are today, those first few weeks are full of the loss, grief, and confusion of coping with the situation that has come about.

In the first blush of hearing that my husband enjoyed cross dressing, I was shocked but understanding. (The acceptance came later). There were so many assumptions that I had made that my mind was racing far far ahead to the point where it was time to make the ultimate choice. Thing was though, I didn't have all  the facts or fully take the time to work my way through it all.

Unlike our partners we don't have the same amount of time to mull the issue over as they have, usually. We're also a bit at a disadvantage because we are often left without a support network because it isn't fair to reveal to others if our partners aren't ready. I think you've done very well for how much you know and not having your own support network to guide you.

Take a lot of time to talk through it. All relationships have difficult moments, sometimes the issues cannot be solved but at least you can say that you tried together rather than just walking away from something that might've worked with a little effort (ok, sometimes it's a lot). As for the person who felt that you weren't respecting your partner, they aren't part of your particular relationship, they haven't the foggiest clue how you both work together. Something that I think most of us SO's understand the most is the difficulty in changing the perspective of your partner from who you knew to someone new but familiar.

Good luck amd I wish you both love in the future however it comes to pass.

[Ltl89]

Hmm, this is a tough.  On the one hand, I can see that you love and care about your partner.  On the other hand, you sound very uncertain if this is the kind of relationship you want. If you never saw yourself with a girl and will now have to deal with that, you really have to know what your comfort levels are.  Seriously, can you be with a woman?  There is nothing wrong with saying no.  We don't choose our sexuality.  If you think it's possible to be with another woman, do you see yourself with the woman your partner is and the one their becoming?  You sound very conflicted and that's okay.  This may require further introspection for you to discover, but don't feel bad for doing it.  Honestly, transitioning is hard for everyone, including those around us. 

[blueconstancy]

*sympathy*

My wife transitioned 5 years ago, and I'm happy to talk about anything you need. It sounds like you're in that tough spot at the very beginning where you're both working to redefine your relationship and additionally she's figuring out who SHE is. That can be really hard on partners, no matter how supportive, because everything is in flux and you don't know what the endpoint will be like (or if you can live with it). You deserve a lot of credit for sticking it out so far, and I'll recommend (against my own experience, if only I could actually have taken my own advice!) that you not worry too much about far into the future if you can help it, and focus on whether you can cope with what's happening now and are still willing to stay for the time being.

Wheat Thins : That was rude and spectacularly unhelpful. Very early on, it's common for partners to have trouble adjusting to name/pronouns - whether you've realized this or not, it can be acutely *painful* for us to give up the old, and many times the trans* person is willing to accept some compromise in the face of what their partner is going through - and I've known many, many couples who are happily still together post-transition despite hiccups like that at the beginning. Similarly, I know several straight women who stayed with trans women, and not all have chosen to redefine their orientation, either. Some even continue to be intimate with their wives even though they're not *generally* attracted to women. This is the PARTNERS section. Please consider that this is a place filled with potentially vulnerable, desperate people who are trying their best to stick by a trans person.

[Crackpot]

Welcome to the board.

Its such a complicated situation and there's no one that will be a better judge of your feelings regarding your relationship better than you. It'll take some time and soul searching but you will find the right answer for you. As Blue has said sometimes a partner's orientation can evolve, and sometimes it can't. There's nothing wrong with that. You can't change who you are just like she can't change who she is. So don't beat yourself up about anything. My wife is also MTF, but in my case my orientation was already quite flexible so that was not an issue. However, the way we are intimate did have to change. Just like your partner, mine is not particularly comfortable with traditional intercourse. It took some experimentation to find out what works for us. You need to be very open and comfortable with each other.

The main advice from one SO to another is just take things as they come. If you spend too much time worrying about what COULD happen, you are just going to drive yourself crazy. It's apparent that you care deeply for you partner and want to be supportive, but make sure you are taking care of yourself too. My inbox is always open if you'd like to talk. Feel free to e-mail me, my e-mail address is in my profile.

[laur]

Thank you everyone! My partner and I have talked and I'm willing to be open minded when it comes to intimacy. I'm doing the best I can right now and having you all put your advice and support out here really helps. I have a very loving partner and I know they love me. As do I. I know we love each other very much and it's going to be hard for both of us. But I'm trying to keep and open mind about things.