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Already fulltime, but not sure if I pass...

Started by Aquarelle, April 21, 2014, 07:15:45 AM

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Aquarelle

So, I am already a week fulltime, still scared as hell, but something strange is happening... I didn't have got any bad experiences while being fulltime and I hope I will never have, but so far, noone looked at me in a strange way or showed somehow that they've clocked me. I am pretty sure I have many dead giveaways and not that passable, although all my friends say I am passable enough...   
I even used taxis several times and there was nothing strange about the way the driver looks at me...
I wonder if people are just too busy with theirselves or too polite (which is far from the typical bulgarian behaviour) to show me they've clocked me...?
What do you think?
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suzifrommd

Quote from: Aquarelle on April 21, 2014, 07:15:45 AM
What do you think?

For the first few months I didn't pass well either. But there's nothing illegal, immoral, or bad-mannered about living your life as a transwoman, so why should anyone have had anything to say about it. I got some stares because people knew something was off, but no one ever gave me any kind of a hard time.

Congrats, dear. Enjoy womanhood. It's the most wonderful feeling imaginable.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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BeingSonia

First, congratulations!

Maybe that means that you do pass. But now, if you believe you don't, you will project it, people will read it and then get clocked.
Now, I'm not full time and my experience en femme is about 800m but you should probably relax.

Sonia
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FalseHybridPrincess

If you dont get stares that means you pass...
http://falsehybridprincess.tumblr.com/
Follow me and I ll do your dishes.

Also lets be friends on fb :D
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Aquarelle

Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

I also think, that just one picture can't say much about passing... I periodically record myself on video to get some idea of how do I move, look, etc. I noticed, that my movements and gestures had become much more softer and wavy, without even trying to manage them intentionally, which is good - aparently the hormones work on many levels :) The bad thing is, that I have got no feedback about things like walking, behaving in certain situations, where I am not able to make a video.  :-\
For better or worse, I don't believe much, when my friends tell me I am passable, because there is an opportunity, they are saying such things just to make me feel good, which I am not sure if it's a good or bad favour. For an example, yesterday a good friend of mine said: "I will never mistake you with a man if I see you on the street." and later I got a taxi, where I sat on the front seat, next to the driver, and his behaviour was positive, but in a questionable way... I mean, he seemed a nice person, so probably he's being just polite and noticed what I am... But maybe he's being just attracted by the slim tall blonde girl, sitting next to him... who knows...

Maybe I am becoming paranoid and it is logical to be so, but I don't know how to deal with that...
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Jill F

I jumped in the full time pool with both feet.  It's really mostly attitude and confidence.  If you act nervous or like something's wrong, people pick up on it pretty fast.  Once you've relaxed and can smile at people, you can make up for a lot of perceived shortcomings. I don't look a lot different than I did a year ago, but I sure get clocked a lot less frequently.
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Carrie Liz

As someone who also just went full-time, at about the same point of hormones, I can tell you, if nobody is staring at you, you pass.

I've been going out in "girl mode" for months before this, and I got stared at a lot back then, around months 8-9. And people were always trying to tell me "oh, they just think you're attractive." But I was also getting this "stink-eye" look from women, so I didn't believe them.

And, well, now those stares have basically stopped. I don't get the stink-eye anymore, even when I'm using the women's bathroom. So yeah. If people see something unusual, or experience any gender dissonance, they'd be staring. If they don't, then they just ignore you.

Also, how are people gendering you? If people are gendering you female, plus nobody's staring, plus you can use the bathroom without anyone staring (not sure if you're doing that or not yet...) yeah, you pass.

And frankly, even though all of these things are happening to me, I still don't believe that I'm passable. I still dissect my own appearance like crazy every single time I look in the mirror or take a video of myself. And I still feel like there's no way I'm passing, my mannerisms and my walk are too unfeminine, etc, etc, etc. But if real-world evidence is proving you wrong, then you have nothing to worry about. It's just that hyper-self-critical mind that most of us have.
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Aquarelle

One of the problems are, that I almost didn't have the need to talk to strangers, also the few I talked to, didn't use any gender pronouns, so I don't know if they see a woman or a trans person...
I agree, that people notice only the disturbing things around them - at least I ignore the people I see on the street, although I am very observant person, so maybe I am passable enough for just walking somewhere. What I fear is that if face-to-face, I will be clocked almost for sure...
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Aquarelle

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on April 21, 2014, 04:23:14 PM
Ahh, it is the same issue with me as well. I suppose that Bulgarian language (which is quite similar to Russian, nope?) in its daily use is not very gendered? Like, if they are using the polite form of address (second person plural) then it is absolutely gender neutral and You dont use "Sir/Miss/Madam" equivalents often as well?

You're absolutely right! :) It comes into my mind, that the only cases I can be gendered by such words are if they calling me on the phone from a bank or something like that... Or if I forgot something at the store and someone shout: "Excuse me, Sir/Miss/Madam, you forgot this!"
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kelly_aus

Quote from: Aquarelle on April 21, 2014, 03:58:12 PM
One of the problems are, that I almost didn't have the need to talk to strangers, also the few I talked to, didn't use any gender pronouns, so I don't know if they see a woman or a trans person...
I agree, that people notice only the disturbing things around them - at least I ignore the people I see on the street, although I am very observant person, so maybe I am passable enough for just walking somewhere. What I fear is that if face-to-face, I will be clocked almost for sure...

If you think like that, it will happen..
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Ms Grace

You've been on HRT over a year, you look great, you look confident (I know, just one pic, but still it says a lot), as someone who is only just on one month full time I can back up what others are saying, if they're not staring, recoiling, looking at you with stink eye (as Carrie puts it)...then you are passing. If someone has read you though it doesn't have to mean anything bad, they may in fact be supportive.
Grace
----------------------------------------------
Transition 1.0 (Julie): HRT 1989-91
Self-denial: 1991-2013
Transition 2.0 (Grace): HRT June 24 2013
Full-time: March 24, 2014 :D
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latoya rayne

Congratulations I went fulltime the moment I started gender therapy. My therapist gave me the confidence to do it. Love your hair and dress btw
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sam79

I understand the doubt that can creep in when there's no visible feedback ( I mean even negative feedback is still feedback )...

The fact is, when you pass, you're not likely to get any noticeable feedback at all other than being ignored and the right pronouns in appropriate situations. And then without that more overt feedback, fear can seep in and you can assume the worst ;). It's tricky. My knees were shaky for the first month or so for this exact reason.

Just don't worry about it, and keep up the confidence. You're doing fine.
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Sydney_NYC

Quote from: FalsePrincess on April 21, 2014, 08:33:27 AM
If you dont get stares that means you pass...

Unless your 6'7" like me. Because I'm tall I do get looks, but when I was male I also got looks. Tall is tall as they say. When sitting down I don't get any looks.


Aquarelle, congrats, and you look great. I've been full-time just over a month now. Now I don't even think about whether I'm passing or not. The only issue was having another round of laser last week, I've had to use more in the makeup department until the sessions hair falls out. (75% already has now.) I'm getting better with makeup at and the other day I got a new kit from Bare Essentials and I'm loving it. The woman there was so helpful and showed how there system works and redid my face. It was great :)
Sydney





Born - 1970
Came Out To Self/Wife - Sept-21-2013
Started therapy - Oct-15-2013
Laser and Electrolysis - Oct-24-2013
HRT - Dec-12-2013
Full time - Mar-15-2014
Name change  - June-23-2014
GCS - Nov-2-2017 (Dr Rachel Bluebond-Langner)


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Miranda Catherine

Aquarelle, you're right, it's very hard to pass judgment on if someone passes simply by looking at an avatar, but you look female and feminine to me. If you have doubts about your walk, mannerisms, hand gestures, etc., I'd recommend going to a place where you can watch women, how they behave, walk, talk, and interact with other women and guys. I agree with you that HRT really does tend to work on multiple levels, as my hands, speech patterns and vocabulary are vastly different now than they were when I attempted to be male. If you're not having negative reactions it seems you pass, because some people jump on anything that seems incompatible with the gender of someone they notice. I've only been living as the woman I've always been inside for the last 31 months, but it really does become the real you in quite a short time. I rarely even think about it anymore. You'll be fine! Hugs, Mira
These three years have been the best of my entire life
ones I've been able to live without lying
and the only time I've had since the age of twelve
I haven't constantly thought about dying



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Aquarelle

Thanks to everyone - You gave me very much strength! :) I need it right now, because I was stuck in a situation to move to my father's place, who was obviously telling me lies for months just to get me to his place, and finally, when I got here, he told me he doesn't accept me and he will speak to me in male pronous and name till the rest of his life, which is sort of demotivating... That's why I will move back to my previous place, eventhough there are so many people there, who know me well (that was the reason I wanted to move out)... It will be hard for me, but I will feel better, when I live with accepting people.

Finally - I made some photos without any makeup and right after I woke up and got out from the bed, so please, take a look and tell me honestly what do you see:



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Cindy

No make up!!! A pretty young woman.

Take from an old one, it is your life, live it and enjoy it. Your father is lost in hate and bigotry. Any father who would be rude and unaccepting to his daughter is worthless IMO.

Hugs young lady

Cindy
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Aquarelle

Thank you :)

So, a little update:

Yesterday I was out with my cousin and we walked for an hour or so, looking for a wall paint. The streets were pretty full (not extremely, but normally full) and I didn't notice someone to stare at me or commenting, but I also didn't pay much attention to this. We walked into several shops and when I was talking to the saleswomen, they behaved normally and there was no indication at all if they clocked me or not. Finally, we got into a store, where the salesmen called me "he" :( Despite of that, he was nice and his behaviour was like in the other places we were... But this situation made me assuming, that probably the saleswomen in the other stores clocked me too, but were polite enough...
I know it is normal and I should expect such things to happen, but I thought I pass more and feel bad now...
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KatelynRain

You look like a typical cisgender woman to me, and I wouldn't have any hint just based off your appearance that you were anything else.  You look great!
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Aquarelle

It would be great if everyone was thinking like that about me... Thank you :)
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