I've never had anyone suggest to me or query as to why I think that life would be easier or better as a "woman. A more common response, to me at least, is either "You're joking right?" or "Why would you do such a thing?" The answers are "No," and "Because I must." The people I am out with (and that is pretty much everyone that matters) seem to get that this is an abandonment of privilege rather than entering into a privileged state. Both the men and the women in my life see my transition not as a threat, but as some sort of passing, the death of a friend almost. I have gotten more sympathetic '"sucks to be you" kinds of responses than anything else, and then the relationship begins to change. Even close friends were tentative and unsure at first. I kind of feel that I have to really put on the nice as people begin to get to know me all over again. But there is distance between people I have known for years and me that wasn't there before. I understand, but it is still saddens me.
Anyone who trivializes transition as to a desire to be more girly, hasn't hung out with any of my gay friends. I know some very feminine men, who never-the-less rejoice in their maleness. For a long time when I needed a break from being a straight cis guy, they are who I would seek out. It would have been simpler, easier and much less scary just to be gay. People seem to get the LG part of LGBT, but not so much the T. For me gay wasn't it - sometimes I wish it had been.
A colleague at work asked me why I would throw my career away like this. She is a smart post doc biologist, and it was crazy to her for me to willingly surrender participating in the elite world that she worked so hard to be a part of. Then she gave me a hug and nothing more was said about it. I'm sorry to have wandered away from the topic header, but I seem to need to write this. As has been written on this site thousands of times I looked for an easier softer way everywhere I could think of before accepting in my heart that I was both, a girl and that it was ok to be that way.
I'm not very flamboyant, and am really pretty androgynous in my daily life. I am still learning to be a woman in gesture, voice and demeanor, but I try not to overdo the affectation of femininity beyond what I feel is authentic for me. What I do know is that at three thirty in the morning when I am alone in a city far from home and cannot sleep. I can come to Susan's and find inspiration and draw courage from fellow seekers of life. I would not have chosen this path if I didn't have to so I could remain alive, but I feel whole and beautiful with your help and grateful for a place where I can ramble, and work out who I am.
Thank You,
Julie
