Yep, after all these years, finally found the guts to do it, and y'know what? She was really supportive.
She had no idea it was coming, but I guess I'd learned to hide it more effectively than I realised over the years... We are going to have a more extended chat about it today as she's going to be driving me home, which will take a few hrs, so that'll be interesting...
I should offer some background to this, because its come as part of recent events that have turned my life upside down... Up until recently, I was living w/ my father, who was very transphobic and despite this, we were building a better relationship than we'd had for my whole life since I'd had to move back in with him in the new year.
This came to a halt last week, when I came home to find that he'd passed away. These typed words seem clinical and cold right now, even though I'm feeling the emotions very much... I think it's a defence mechanism to stop myself bursting into tears all over this keyboard. The funeral is in a few days time and erm.... yeah... I'm losing my train of thought, so rather than focusing on that, I will jump to the next paragraph....
Anyway, because of what happened, I had to get out of my house as I can't face being there at the moment, especially on my own. So, I took time off work and have come up to my mother's place, 3 hrs away, to grieve, to have someone with me and honestly, just to spend some time w/ my mother whom I adore.
I've been here almost a week and yesterday afternoon, I was getting quite drunk + emotional... I've spent a lot of time this week being drunk and emotional.... :/ At one stage, things got a little fraught and I needed to go for a walk.... When I returned, I finally opened up to her and started to recount the awful experience of finding my father and letting the tears go... something I'd been trying to hold in until I could talk to some counselors as I didn't want to go through that w/ my mother. Even though they have been apart for 16 years now, I didn't want to do that to her, but she pushed me and even though it was horrible, I'm glad she did and I got it out.
But... Then she could tell there was something else I wanted to say. Now, I didn't want to bring up my gender in this circumstance. I HAVE been slowly building up the guts to come out, but then with all that has happened, decided to put that on the backburner, as I thought it might be a bit much for people to handle right now... and besides, it wouldn't feel right... This time is supposed to be about trying to say goodbye to my father and dealing w/ our grief....
I didn't want to tell her that I had to cancel my appt w/ my gender psychiatrist because I'm so far from home that I have no option. I didn't want to tell her that I also had an appt w/ a counsellor this week that I've been sweating on for months and will now have to go back to waiting another several months because that facility is so hopelessly understaffed that I have to essentially return to the back of the queue because of this....
But for some reason, probably because I was a little drunk, possibly because I'd just opened up about my recent trauma; probably both - the words just kinda fell out of my mouth...
"I think I should've been born a girl"
In the few brief moments between saying this and her response, I think I braced myself for the earth to swallow me whole... I'd just lost my father (who probably would never have accepted me as a woman) and now in some fleeting moment of ultra disclosure and alcohol-fuelled bravado was risking losing my mother... Nice work, genius...
But then, my mother turned out to be that brilliant, understanding person who I thought she would be (but feared she wouldn't be) and now I feel an amazing calm and liberation.... Which is of course, still wrapped in grief and disorientation... Too many emotions right now, I am perhaps fortunate that the main thing I feel right now is hunger because I'm kind of sick of feeling powerful emotions at this point in time... lol
