had a worse day today

[jaybutterfly]

besides feeling ill, I've missed putting on a long shirt and lounging about. I think my dysphoria is getting stronger. Normally I only wonder about things like what it would be like to have a vagina and wanting softer skin and girlier looks, but now I even want breasts as well (which when I think about it, wasnt something I used to be bothered about)

I don't know what's happening.

[Ltl89]

Hey Jaybutterfly,

Have you been seeing a therapist lately?  Maybe that will help answer some questions.  Being in one of the binary categories, I can't relate, but maybe someone who is androgynous will be able to assist you with these feelings.   Do you have a preference as to what gender you would like to live as?

[MbutF]

In contrast, I had a good day... but I know what you're going through. There are times when I temporary lose my inhibitions and guilt, and that is when I think about breasts and stuff. but that's just me.

[jaybutterfly]

Hey Jaybutterfly,

Have you been seeing a therapist lately?  Maybe that will help answer some questions.  Being in one of the binary categories, I can't relate, but maybe someone who is androgynous will be able to assist you with these feelings.   Do you have a preference as to what gender you would like to live as?

I havent decided and something tells me I wouldnt be able to bring myself to transition even if I had the option and the funding...

but no, Im not seeing a therapist. Im not talking to anyone right now, but I do have a cognitive behavioural therapist appointment next month coming through, though I dont think that will sort this out

[AnneB]

I can not tell from your posts, knowing nothing about your age, but you'll get from nearly every one here, you should find a therapist that deals with Gender Identity issues, just to initially talk it out and figure out what is running thru your mind.  If you're college age (or younger), see if the local university has a Physcology Dept, and ask one of the counsellors or professors who they would recommend seeing.  College  level ,they would likely be free or very low cost.

[jaybutterfly]

I can not tell from your posts, knowing nothing about your age, but you'll get from nearly every one here, you should find a therapist that deals with Gender Identity issues, just to initially talk it out and figure out what is running thru your mind.  If you're college age (or younger), see if the local university has a Physcology Dept, and ask one of the counsellors or professors who they would recommend seeing.  College  level ,they would likely be free or very low cost.

I should probably give more facts then. I'm 22 and had suspicions since around mid-teens something was off, even though I always felt like an outsider to guys. I'm in my final few weeks of uni, though I am hoping to carry on next year doing a masters degree in animation.

I've been to student counselling and they told me they couldn't help since they didn't know how to handle this sort of issue. They thought it was escapism and recommended i see my GP. I have brought it up with them, but since I have been seeing them for quite severe stress problems, they also think it is escapism (I'm not so sure though, even when Im not having trouble I feel this way) and sent me to a cognitive behavioural therapist. It has taken months for my appointment to come through.

I have looked for gender specialists but there aren't any near me, living in what is mostly a retirement area in the north west uk. Nearest I can find is london that turns up easily when I search and thats pretty far on my unemployed budget

[AnneB]

It will be ok.. you've made the first couple steps of what could be a long journey but you have many brothers and sisters here that can go along with you.  I know there are a lot of girls here that live in the UK that can help with finding a good therapist and other resources. I live in the Colonies   some would call it a desert (in Arizona), but still the help steps are the same.  Look thru the Index page and see if you can find a UK group who can guide you, maybe with.. NHS I think its called.. but at least you will find someone local to talk things out with.

I wish you luck, hon, and prayers go with you too!

Paula

[jaybutterfly]

It will be ok.. you've made the first couple steps of what could be a long journey but you have many brothers and sisters here that can go along with you.  I know there are a lot of girls here that live in the UK that can help with finding a good therapist and other resources. I live in the Colonies   some would call it a desert (in Arizona), but still the help steps are the same.  Look thru the Index page and see if you can find a UK group who can guide you, maybe with.. NHS I think its called.. but at least you will find someone local to talk things out with.

I wish you luck, hon, and prayers go with you too!

Paula

Thank you so much Paula. I'm going to ask at the cognitive session if they know any gender therapists. I think one of the things that is bothering me is that I am tempted to come out to my family, but find they are resistive and pushy about things they see in me they define as 'wierd' or 'girly'

[AnneB]

Please do not be tempted to come out too soon, a therapist can help tremendously in, even just wording,  -how- to tell them..   Unless you really know they would approve, and accept, wait, just a little while longer until you can talk to a therapist that can help formulate what to say, because, telling the family, with the wrong reason, can torpedo any chance of being accepted.  I so hope you can find a good one quickly.  I know what it's like trying to keep it all in and the pain it causes. 

Hugs!

Paula

[Ltl89]

I understand the funding issue.  Sometimes I'm amazed at how I was able to start everything and even feel shocked that I continue to make it by to this day.  It's always good to have a plan ahead, so it's great that you are thinking about it.  I sort of just went in head first, which may have been bad when you think about it.

I'm sure the therapist you see will know of somebody, so it's a good idea to ask them.  If you are feeling uncertain, having someone to talk to about it will do a lot of good and may help you find yourself a bit. 

As for family, ike Paua said above, don't feel pressured to come out too early.  Talking things out in therapy will help you get a better sense of what's going on with you and how to proceed.  Once those things are established, it's much easier to explain what's going on and you will be better able to clarify an confusions they may have. 

Good luck with everything.  I hope it works out. 

[jaybutterfly]

Ive decided to hold off telling the family, but I'm not willing to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. If they think it's odd let them, who knows? they may clock on to something and thus not take it so hard when and if I tell them?

[MbutF]

Ive decided to hold off telling the family, but I'm not willing to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. If they think it's odd let them, who knows? they may clock on to something and thus not take it so hard when and if I tell them?

you never know.

they might think of you as a sensitive, if feminine male but that's still far from coming out as a trans.

just my opinion

[Ltl89]

Ive decided to hold off telling the family, but I'm not willing to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. If they think it's odd let them, who knows? they may clock on to something and thus not take it so hard when and if I tell them?

There is no shame in being your true self around family.  It's funny, but I'm most reserved around family given how I was raised.  Not with my gender, just as a person in general.  It's something that's hard for me to let down.  So, I really understand where you are coming.  However, if you can't be yourself around family, then really who can you be yourself around?  Don't live a lie if it makes you feel uncomfortable, just have a plan for disclosing everything.  Good luck. 

[AnneB]

We all know what you are going thru, and we're here for you to vent, let it out here rather than exploding at the family or friends.

There are some things you can do to help ease/relax your mind a bit.. You may be able to find (if you haven't already) some womens-cut jeans, pants.. (stretchy weave) even just some womens/girls levis (not so stretchy).  It may not seem like much but it helped me cope as it's the only thing I can do in front of my family.  I don't mean super-skinny-painted-on-Vanderbilt-Vera-Wang-Aeropostile jeans that will make your families or friends eyes pop, or let everyone know what religion you are    but you should be able to find some that are cut just a bit slimmer, to help you see a little better "you".  Finding them at thrift shops for cheap is what I have done.  And it helps!   You could go with underwear too, a brief, or hipster, but I'd start with the jeans first.  The feel as they slide over my butt .. truly is a calming experience.  I KNOW you will be nervous going into a shop and looking thru the racks.  But PAY IT NO MIND!  I got a few looks from some of the women there but I ignored it.  You can too.

You might try some neutral or girl sneakers also.  Look for some that have "normal" colors, not bright pinks or neon green piping...   reds, medium to dark blues.. you'll know when you find them      I didn't think it would help me, but the combination of some nice Vandy jeans ($4) and Hayley Avia sneakers ($15) put a BIG smile on my face.  You could also look for some low/no-heel calf boots also at thrift shops.  I got a pair of black suede, lo-heel calf boots for $4!  Look for at least one to two sizes LARGER than your foot, so .. as in US sizes.. I'm an 8 1/2..  my boots are a 10 and they are just a bit loose, if I could have found them in a 9 1/2, I think they would be perfect.

We are here to listen, we've been thru it already, we know some of the coping mechanisms that can help, and we know the ones that don't.  We know that writing down, in a journal can have some really good things come out and unburden your mind, and your heart.  Write your own book.  It can, when the time comes, let others know what has been going on inside you.

Hugs!!!

Paula