it's not just about yesterday. but yesterday i was sitting in the porch while mom and dad were in the garden out of my sight. dad was climbing a ladder and mom was holding it. suddenly i heard a loud snap and mom and dad saying something. i wondered what it was but i'm not so good at emotional caring stuff so i'd have preferred to keep silent. but i've been blamed before for being so insensitive and not caring about family members, so i made up my mind, took courage and shouted back 'what happened?' to which mom replied with something rude. now that's a problem i have, i can't remember hurtful things people have said or done to me even if i really want to. is this normal? i mean, there are times by brother does or says something very irritating and i promise myself i'll remember this and never help him out again. but few days later i can't recall the situation- i know something bad happened but don't remember what. this is what happened to my memory all my life.
and yesterday it was even worse- i had forgotten what rude thing mom said within minutes, even before i was triggered by what she said. yes that's another story. she probably didn't mean anything so bad, but man, i had put so much effort to building that question, and that's how she treats me? oh and then tears start welling up. i mean what the hell? why should i cry for that? then the cycle of self-pity started, as it always does every time i get triggered by some silly thing like this. the cycle of self pity is the way i cry. like i don't cry because i'm sad. i cry because i'm sorry for myself, i feel so horribly sorry for my poor helpless self that i break into tears. it's more like you're watching an emotional movie and you cry when a character is in a woeful situation. every bad thing that has ever happened to me play over and over in my head, without examples as i don't remember them- like i'll think they've always ignored my preferences but wouldn't remember when or how.
then i'd feel over and over again oh what a poor creature you are and cry some more. i would continue this for hours and feel more and more horrible and dejected until a can't take it anymore and decide to distract myself by falling asleep, tv, internet, a game or most often some music. that's about my cycle of self pity. does it mean i'm depressed? i've been doing this cycle for my entire life and i'm even embarrassed with this. i'm generally a happy person unless dysphoria hits me hard so could that mean i have this atypical depression as they call it? i have rejection sensitivity in great heights as well and i feel unnaturally high when something i do bears fruits or gets praised. oh and another glitch in my memory- i don't remember my day to day experiences from the viewpoint i actually experienced it- like i have this memory from my 8th b'day when i was storming out of the back door crying, but when i recall it i'm like watching it as a third party.
there's another good example from last point where me and a bunch of my friends went to sit on a bench, i was in front and i went to the corner and sat, afterwards rest of my friends sat. but when i recall it i see it from the front- i see myself sitting and others coming in to sit. is this normal? or is this dissociation at work? or did i make any sense at all?
okay that's enough ranting for one night. these problems and many others have been puzzling me all my life and i wanted to vent some out. please apologize for the split post- my phone allows only 1024 characters per post and i really wanted to say all that tonight itself. i'd highly appreciate if any of you could (the mods can do such stuff right?) merge these posts into one for easy reading. and thanks for reading my cycle of self pity and memory glitches.
*i merged the posts*
