it's not just about yesterday. but yesterday i was sitting in the porch while mom and dad were in the garden out of my sight. dad was climbing a ladder and mom was holding it. suddenly i heard a loud snap and mom and dad saying something. i wondered what it was but i'm not so good at emotional caring stuff so i'd have preferred to keep silent. but i've been blamed before for being so insensitive and not caring about family members, so i made up my mind, took courage and shouted back 'what happened?' to which mom replied with something rude. now that's a problem i have, i can't remember hurtful things people have said or done to me even if i really want to. is this normal? i mean, there are times by brother does or says something very irritating and i promise myself i'll remember this and never help him out again. but few days later i can't recall the situation- i know something bad happened but don't remember what. this is what happened to my memory all my life.

and yesterday it was even worse- i had forgotten what rude thing mom said within minutes, even before i was triggered by what she said. yes that's another story. she probably didn't mean anything so bad, but man, i had put so much effort to building that question, and that's how she treats me? oh and then tears start welling up. i mean what the hell? why should i cry for that? then the cycle of self-pity started, as it always does every time i get triggered by some silly thing like this. the cycle of self pity is the way i cry. like i don't cry because i'm sad. i cry because i'm sorry for myself, i feel so horribly sorry for my poor helpless self that i break into tears. it's more like you're watching an emotional movie and you cry when a character is in a woeful situation. every bad thing that has ever happened to me play over and over in my head, without examples as i don't remember them- like i'll think they've always ignored my preferences but wouldn't remember when or how.

then i'd feel over and over again oh what a poor creature you are and cry some more. i would continue this for hours and feel more and more horrible and dejected until a can't take it anymore and decide to distract myself by falling asleep, tv, internet, a game or most often some music. that's about my cycle of self pity. does it mean i'm depressed? i've been doing this cycle for my entire life and i'm even embarrassed with this. i'm generally a happy person unless dysphoria hits me hard so could that mean i have this atypical depression as they call it? i have rejection sensitivity in great heights as well and i feel unnaturally high when something i do bears fruits or gets praised. oh and another glitch in my memory- i don't remember my day to day experiences from the viewpoint i actually experienced it- like i have this memory from my 8th b'day when i was storming out of the back door crying, but when i recall it i'm like watching it as a third party.

there's another good example from last point where me and a bunch of my friends went to sit on a bench, i was in front and i went to the corner and sat, afterwards rest of my friends sat. but when i recall it i see it from the front- i see myself sitting and others coming in to sit. is this normal? or is this dissociation at work? or did i make any sense at all?
okay that's enough ranting for one night. these problems and many others have been puzzling me all my life and i wanted to vent some out. please apologize for the split post- my phone allows only 1024 characters per post and i really wanted to say all that tonight itself. i'd highly appreciate if any of you could (the mods can do such stuff right?) merge these posts into one for easy reading. and thanks for reading my cycle of self pity and memory glitches.

*i merged the posts*

"Depression" comes in many forms.  It's essentially a collection of symptoms and experiences and is classified based on the duration and the occurrence in relation to other symptoms present at the time.

Dissociation also comes in many forms.  What you're describing in regards to seeing things in your memory in "third person" is probably your memory of a dissociative response you've developed.  It also likely explains your lack of empathy and detachment.  I also have experienced this - I have Depersonalization Disorder and it has similarities with some of what you've described, but not all.

Only a therapist or psychological clinician can actually diagnose you.  Are you in therapy at all?  Because it could well benefit you to speak with a professional - there are plenty of treatments out there (not just medications) for a range of issues.

no i'm not seeing a therapist or anything. the fact that i'm generally a happy person (unless some silly thing triggers me) keeps everyone, even myself from identifying or believing that i have any mental issue, much less GD. i thought you might have some idea. i know it's hard to diagnose like that with a mere post, but i have nobody else in my life this situation. it's going to be very hard to convince my parents that i might need a therapist cos they won't believe me without solid proof. and it's contraversial cos you need to see a therapist to get solid proof. i don't know

Quote from: YBtheOutlaw on April 29, 2014, 03:18:31 PMit's going to be very hard to convince my parents that i might need a therapist cos they won't believe me without solid proof. and it's contraversial cos you need to see a therapist to get solid proof. i don't know

Surely your parents aren't so callous that they would deny you help when you clearly feel you need it?  Would they tell you "no" if you wanted to go to the doctor because you were in pain - you can't see pain.

Then again, some parents are a**holes. 

There is no solid "proof" to show for mental health issues.  Tell them what you've told us here, that's all you can do.  Otherwise, are you in school and do you have access to a counselor?

It's impossible for us to diagnose you at all.  That's something that should only be left up to the pros.  What we can say is it's worth while seeking some help about this.  What you've described your mind going into this downward spiral is something a therapist will be able to help you with.  I second the motion of finding a therapist or counselor if you can.  Even though you say you're usually a happy person, it's worth it to learn some techniques to deal with these kinds of thoughts because they aren't a healthy way of thinking.  A good therapist will be able to help you understand these thoughts and why they happen and what you can do when you find yourself getting caught up in it. And if you do have some sorts of dissociation, they'll be able to help with that too. 

i don't know, i just can't tell my parents. they have no idea i have gender issues. and this is not the best time to come out. then again if i say i need a therapist they'd want to know why, i'm stressed out, why? cos i have the most unshakable mind of our family. but that's only because no incident in outer world that dont relate to gender issues can seep though the wall i've built around myself. nothing gets to my core. okay where was i? yeah they won't believe. and i'm not so fond of sitting down and having serious talks with people. i guess i'll just have to hold on until exams are over- that's in august. i'm planning to call a support group after the exams and see a therapist afterwards by myself. thanks for your insights anyway. but the problem is i have no motivation for the exams. its results are gonna decide my whole future. this is the most crucial exam of my whole school life. i know all that, but i just can't put my 100percent into it.

oh and i just realized that i've left out an important part of my cycle of self pity- the suicidal ideation. don't worry i've never been into action, and probably will never go into action. but some days i feel so horrible that i wish i were dead. then i'd dream up that i died due to some accident or a natural cause (remember im a maladaptive daydreamer) and dream up how peoply would cry. sometimes i'd dream up my own funeral? that's so sick but when i'm in the mood i can go that far. and imagine how my friends, teachers etc.- would cry there, and i'd feel sooo sorry for them and myself that i cry even more. i really don't want to take the cycle up to that circumference but given the situation it happens.

Quote from: YBtheOutlaw on May 15, 2014, 04:12:12 PM
i don't know, i just can't tell my parents. they have no idea i have gender issues. and this is not the best time to come out. then again if i say i need a therapist they'd want to know why, i'm stressed out, why? cos i have the most unshakable mind of our family. but that's only because no incident in outer world that dont relate to gender issues can seep though the wall i've built around myself. nothing gets to my core. okay where was i? yeah they won't believe. and i'm not so fond of sitting down and having serious talks with people. i guess i'll just have to hold on until exams are over- that's in august. i'm planning to call a support group after the exams and see a therapist afterwards by myself. thanks for your insights anyway. but the problem is i have no motivation for the exams. its results are gonna decide my whole future. this is the most crucial exam of my whole school life. i know all that, but i just can't put my 100percent into it.

I'm just going to be very straightforward here - and please don't take it as I'm being aggro about things, but I like to keep it real.

This statement is full of excuse-making IMHO.  You can't "just tell your parents", "it's not a good time", "you don't like sitting down and  having serious talks with people".  Well you need to have a serious conversation with yourself, to start with.  You can't get anywhere in life by making excuses.  Sometimes it's about sucking it up and doing something you don't like, that is unpleasant and not waiting around for life to be all peachy and perfect.  You can't do that. 

You do sound like you have a good plan with the support group after your exams.  For now, concentrate on getting through the exams - as for motivation, you need to look inwards for that.  Don't rely on others outside of you to motivate you because it won't happen.  You need to prioritise what is important - and if you really want to get the ball moving, then you know good and well that passing these exams is a must.

Quote from: YBtheOutlaw on May 15, 2014, 04:23:56 PM
oh and i just realized that i've left out an important part of my cycle of self pity- the suicidal ideation. don't worry i've never been into action, and probably will never go into action. but some days i feel so horrible that i wish i were dead. then i'd dream up that i died due to some accident or a natural cause (remember im a maladaptive daydreamer) and dream up how peoply would cry. sometimes i'd dream up my own funeral? that's so sick but when i'm in the mood i can go that far. and imagine how my friends, teachers etc.- would cry there, and i'd feel sooo sorry for them and myself that i cry even more. i really don't want to take the cycle up to that circumference but given the situation it happens.

I'm very sorry that you feel this way, but it's pretty common amongst guys like us.  We just have to push through it - and if you're seriously having ideations, you need to be calling a support line:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112671.0.html

So if you want to break this cycle, you need to stop externalising things.  You are the only person who gets to decide if you're going to happy and if you're going to succeed. 

this is the most disoriented series of posts i've ever made. that's because i let my mind vent as much as it wants and stopped my brain from interfering and organizing the thoughts. now that i reread them with the brain i see i've been making excuses. but hey, i have excuses for those excuses. first im guessing they come from my rejection sensitivity. then again its really a bad time to come out with exams at hand's distance. i have enough to stress about already. about serious conversations, well i've never done that before. but i think i could bring myself to talk about these issues with a trusted friend putting some effort, but that too will have to wait till september. but with my parents? i can't even think about it. i don't know what is keeping me so apart from them. they are not my favourite people for one thing. second, i've been terrified since very young ages by the stories of genderqueer kids being sent to therapists to be 'fixed' once adults discover them. maybe the fears are holding me down.

also, please don't worry about my ideations and stuff. i don't think i'd ever go beyond imagining them. i'm very afraid of injuries and pain so no matter how depressed i may be i won't be able to physically hurt myself.