Hi, I'm Natalie and I'm transexual and my girlfriend isn't. I know that this board is for SO, but I'm writing this for both of us, myself and SO.
She came into my life last September when I started going full-time, so she knew what was going on and etc. We were very close and shared a lot together, but in the last 3 to 4 months we've drifted apart in a major way. In her words, we've become more like roommates.
So, our relationship has been going down hill as our both of our hearts have been bleeding. In a way, we both kept putting things off with our busy schedules, perhaps because we don't know how to fix things.
My transition has been very difficult in the relationship. And in a way, she's also going through her own transition in life as well. We seem to keep going different directions, but as we do we keep drifting apart and we have no idea how to fix our relationship. We don't even know if it can be done.
I think the thing that really smacked us in the head to actually figure out where we are going now, is something that I did. I cheated on her with a guy. Not because I wanted sex (something I'm not very interested with my low sex drive anyway) -- I think it was my desperate attempt at filling a the void I feel in the relationship (which was the wrong way to go). It's pretty complex, and I'm not sure why I did it. I'm not giving myself an excuse and to say what I did was okay. It's not a normal thing for me to do, and I think there are many reasons why I reached out of the affection of someone else for a moment. Most of all, I think it just really showed how far we have drifted apart and that we need to do something about it.
I don't know what to do, and neither does she. I still love her and she still loves me. She'll always be a part of me, no matter what happens.
She's the only person that I've actually ever loved, and no matter what we have tried, we still feel like we're losing each other.
We been talking about different options, including the possibility taking a break and being friends in order to save what ever is left. We both want our relationship to work, but we don't know how to make it work. Not that we haven't been trying to make it work, but we don't know what to do and if there is anything we can do.
Intimacy is an issue. I don't have much of a sex drive, although I like being held tight and kissed. I am pre-op, so I still have boy parts. I've been full time for almost a year now, but with every day those boy parts become harder and harder to live with. I've tried to use them, and earlier on it was easier to just image they were something else, but as time went further it became harder. We rarely get intimate now.
Intimacy is such an important part of a relationship. It's something that I'm not sure if I'm able to give as fully as before. My boy parts don't even function any more. Sure, we can do other things, and we've been trying other ways -- but the whole package is missing. I feel bad for taking it away, and blame most of the relationship's downfall to myself. I'm trying to give all that I can, but I can't give 100% even if I wanted to.
The kissing, holding, hugging, and things like that just don't seem to fit the bill as much as we hoped. I can pleasure her a lot in other ways, but I think she feels a sense of guilt because I don't get the same level of pleasure. In other words, it is something we are not mutually sharing in -- it's not really just the pleasure, but the sharing that happens. So, it becomes uneven and we both lose out somewhere.
Our schedules are pretty messed up; she's in school working very hard, and I'm just working a full-time job. School is very important to her, and she needs that. School is part of her transition into finding her own self. She's changing and growing like I am, just in a different way. (So, don't get confused, when I say she's going through her own transformation, she isn't changing her gender like I am).
Right now she's on summer break, but also working. With us both working, it can be difficult to for us to spend a lot of time together. We try to fit in time when we can. We had a day to us yesterday, for example. When school comes around, she's going to be working as well as doing school full-time. Honestly, time is going to be even a harder factor. The thing is, I don't wan to take her away from what she needs to do for herself. Her needs are just as important as my needs are.
So, anyway, I think I'm more or less starting to ramble here. My point is that we need help of some kind. We are both lost and we both don't know what to do. We both love each other very much, but I don't know if either of us know what we want. I think the one thing we know is that we do not want to lose each other.
I don't know if our relationship can be resurrected. If we're honest, it's been dead for months. We're just floating right now, and I think we've both come to the conclusion that we just can float any more and hope things will work out in the end. The more we do that, the more we are going to do things to hurt each other when we don't mean to.
I don't know if this means that we should consider transitioning our relationship into a close friendship. Maybe friendship is the only way we can save what is left out of the ashes. Maybe we can start the relationship up again, but can we? Or are we just going to continue to stall and drift along. I think that my greatest fear is that the longer we continue to drift along in the relationship, the more we will drift apart and the more we'll end up losing all connections.
I don't want to lose all connection with her, and I know she doesn't want that either. I think that is both of our greatest fears. We still love and care for each other deeply. We don't want to lose each other. But how can we not lose each other? What can we do? Is there an answer?
Anyway, I'm hoping that someone in here might have some experience and be able to point us in a direction that will help our relationship; whether we end up being close friends, or still lovers. We need to do something or we'll end up losing everything. Our hearts bleed and we need the wounds closed before they die.
I don't think either of us knew what we were getting into. Relationships are hard in the first place, but then you add me, a transsexual girl into the mix, and it becomes extra hard. I can't change who I am. But, sadly, because of who I am the relationship suffers a lot. She suffers a lot. We suffer a lot.
Anyway, I'm done with my ramble. And again, I know that this board is for SO only, but I need the help for the both of us. I'm going to try to get her to come onto this message board, although I don't know how interested she'll be. If at the most I can gain some words of advice, that'd be helpful.
thanks in advance,
--natalie
