Hi, I'm Natalie and I'm transexual and my girlfriend isn't. I know that this board is for SO, but I'm writing this for both of us, myself and SO.

She came into my life last September when I started going full-time, so she knew what was going on and etc. We were very close and shared a lot together, but in the last 3 to 4 months we've drifted apart in a major way. In her words, we've become more like roommates.

So, our relationship has been going down hill as our both of our hearts have been bleeding. In a way, we both kept putting things off with our busy schedules, perhaps because we don't know how to fix things.

My transition has been very difficult in the relationship. And in a way, she's also going through her own transition in life as well. We seem to keep going different directions, but as we do we keep drifting apart and we have no idea how to fix our relationship. We don't even know if it can be done.

I think the thing that really smacked us in the head to actually figure out where we are going now, is something that I did. I cheated on her with a guy. Not because I wanted sex (something I'm not very interested with my low sex drive anyway) -- I think it was my desperate attempt at filling a the void I feel in the relationship (which was the wrong way to go). It's pretty complex, and I'm not sure why I did it. I'm not giving myself an excuse and to say what I did was okay. It's not a normal thing for me to do, and I think there are many reasons why I reached out of the affection of someone else for a moment. Most of all, I think it just really showed how far we have drifted apart and that we need to do something about it.

I don't know what to do, and neither does she. I still love her and she still loves me. She'll always be a part of me, no matter what happens.

She's the only person that I've actually ever loved, and no matter what we have tried, we still feel like we're losing each other.

We been talking about different options, including the possibility taking a break and being friends in order to save what ever is left. We both want our relationship to work, but we don't know how to make it work. Not that we haven't been trying to make it work, but we don't know what to do and if there is anything we can do.

Intimacy is an issue. I don't have much of a sex drive, although I like being held tight and kissed. I am pre-op, so I still have boy parts. I've been full time for almost a year now, but with every day those boy parts become harder and harder to live with. I've tried to use them, and earlier on it was easier to just image they were something else, but as time went further it became harder. We rarely get intimate now.

Intimacy is such an important part of a relationship. It's something that I'm not sure if I'm able to give as fully as before. My boy parts don't even function any more. Sure, we can do other things, and we've been trying other ways -- but the whole package is missing. I feel bad for taking it away, and blame most of the relationship's downfall to myself. I'm trying to give all that I can, but I can't give 100% even if I wanted to.

The kissing, holding, hugging, and things like that just don't seem to fit the bill as much as we hoped. I can pleasure her a lot in other ways, but I think she feels a sense of guilt because I don't get the same level of pleasure. In other words, it is something we are not mutually sharing in -- it's not really just the pleasure, but the sharing that happens. So, it becomes uneven and we both lose out somewhere.

Our schedules are pretty messed up; she's in school working very hard, and I'm just working a full-time job. School is very important to her, and she needs that. School is part of her transition into finding her own self. She's changing and growing like I am, just in a different way. (So, don't get confused, when I say she's going through her own transformation, she isn't changing her gender like I am).

Right now she's on summer break, but also working. With us both working, it can be difficult to for us to spend a lot of time together. We try to fit in time when we can. We had a day to us yesterday, for example. When school comes around, she's going to be working as well as doing school full-time. Honestly, time is going to be even a harder factor. The thing is, I don't wan to take her away from what she needs to do for herself. Her needs are just as important as my needs are.

So, anyway, I think I'm more or less starting to ramble here. My point is that we need help of some kind. We are both lost and we both don't know what to do. We both love each other very much, but I don't know if either of us know what we want. I think the one thing we know is that we do not want to lose each other.

I don't know if our relationship can be resurrected. If we're honest, it's been dead for months. We're just floating right now, and I think we've both come to the conclusion that we just can float any more and hope things will work out in the end. The more we do that, the more we are going to do things to hurt each other when we don't mean to.

I don't know if this means that we should consider transitioning our relationship into a close friendship. Maybe friendship is the only way we can save what is left out of the ashes. Maybe we can start the relationship up again, but can we? Or are we just going to continue to stall and drift along. I think that my greatest fear is that the longer we continue to drift along in the relationship, the more we will drift apart and the more we'll end up losing all connections.

I don't want to lose all connection with her, and I know she doesn't want that either. I think that is both of our greatest fears. We still love and care for each other deeply. We don't want to lose each other. But how can we not lose each other? What can we do? Is there an answer?

Anyway, I'm hoping that someone in here might have some experience and be able to point us in a direction that will help our relationship; whether we end up being close friends, or still lovers. We need to do something or we'll end up losing everything. Our hearts bleed and we need the wounds closed before they die.

I don't think either of us knew what we were getting into. Relationships are hard in the first place, but then you add me, a transsexual girl into the mix, and it becomes extra hard. I can't change who I am. But, sadly, because of who I am the relationship suffers a lot. She suffers a lot. We suffer a lot.

Anyway, I'm done with my ramble. And again, I know that this board is for SO only, but I need the help for the both of us. I'm going to try to get her to come onto this message board, although I don't know how interested she'll be. If at the most I can gain some words of advice, that'd be helpful.


thanks in advance,


--natalie

Sorry to read about your relationship problems.  It is not easy for either party when one is transitioning.  It takes a lot of work and a lot of understanding for both sides.

Hopefully you will take time to talk, keep communications open and honest.


Sarah L.

so, we talked again last night and we're still in the same spot. She's still trying to figure out if she's straight or not, or maybe bi. She thinks that she's bi, but she might prefer guys. She's not sure. And she mentioned that she doesn't have any other experience being with a girl before, so she can't say for sure. I'm a girl, of course, but I still have boy parts. So, it's weird.

anyway, things are super complex now. She doesn't want to be just friends, but wants the whole relationship back -- but I think we both know that it might not happen.

Im the SO of an FTM. We've had a rocky relationship, to say the least. We've had our communication issues, and issues with his faithfulness. He also entered our relationship right out of a two year relationship with a girl he'd known since elementry school. So I guess I'm here to offer what I can of hope and reality.

First off, if things are truly meant to last with you two, they will. Now, its not nearly as easily done as it is said. I'm sure you know this. But it takes work, and a lot of hurt. And most and I mean MOST improtantly... a LOT of communication. Sex is indeed an important part of a relationship, but there are other ways to feel close, and get that connection, I know sex isn't my fondest activity, for a while, it was something we just DIDN'T do. It's something that can be sacrificed for the betterment of a relationship given certain cercumstances. Now as for being in transition during your relationship, I have yet to experience that and I'm sure that it's going to come with difficulties far more challenging than I forsee, so I can't really make any comment there. There is always hope as long as there is love. I know there were times where it would have been easier to give up, I felt like I was fighting a losing battle for a good portion of a year, but we kept fighting. The both of us, for eachother, for us. And we're making it. And we're finally making it beautifully.

Now on another note, there's a chance, you and your girlfriend are best off as friends. Love is an amazing thing for two people to share, and you love her, so naturally... you always will. But if you keep straining something that the both of you find isnt in your personal and shared best intrest, its best for the both of you and your relationship ... to get out of it. Too often people ignore a problem, and it ends up killing their relationship. By the time they realize communication would have helped they're already broken up and there is no going back. Taking a break is different. . . you two may need time to figure things out. Or maybe, by the sounds of your schedules you dont need a break away from eachother so much as you need a break from the world with eachother... I know my boyfriend lives close to an hour away, during the school year, we were lucky if we got to see eachother once a week, and it definately put a strain on our relationship. I know its a difficult task, but spending some time with eachother could do you a world of good.

I guess ... what I have to offer is to make sure communicatoin is strong and unconditionally open. You need to be able to say what you are feeling and accept what the other person is feeling. Try your hardest to make things work, but know some people are just meant to be the best of friends.

And always remember my last cliche statement:
-Nothing worth having comes easy.

I've been down this road several times.  Sex and intamacy are always an issue.  I had a girlfriend who was post op, before she started taking hormoes our sex was great, we both switched top and bottom, but once she started taking the hormones her "boy parts" started to hurt and she only wanted to be on bottom, which was fine, she wanted me to try oral on her once but she said that it felt bad.  After a while she became uninterested in sex altogether.  We were still friends and she let me have sex with her sometimes to be nice to me but it just wasn't there.  We ended up breaking up but I still see her sometimes.  She has had the surgery now and is looking great, even has a new boyfriend.  It's hard to go through, but you'll make it.

Its not uncommon for young couples to go through this. You could probably set the gender issues aside and realise that as you grow, your values and the way you think changes causing you either to grow closer together or farther apart. Its part of growing and getting older. You will not be the same person at 40 that you were when you were 20. I've gone from full blown conservative to a liberal democrat to something inbetween. I'm more in tune with nature and recycling and conserving energy wich never entered my mind when I was younger. If your partner is a wasteful gun toting phsycho and you are an animal lover ...it could be an issue. That is just one minor analogy, but as you age your views and needs change as well. Your partner is the same way...get used to it.

Edit: oh damn, did not notice this topic was so old. Hows things working out?

Natalie,

I had tears in my eyes reading your post because it paralells where Sam(short for Samantha) and I are right now. It's very...up in the air. We love each other more than life itself, but she's sure that once I get further along in my transition that she won't be able to deal with it.

The one truth that is evident with her and I are that we love each other. I believe that love can conquer anything. However I do have times where I wonder if I'm just mind ->-bleeped-<-ing myself. My relationship with her is the part of my transition that weighs me down emotionally the most. It's devastating to know that had if I don't transition, we would be fine. I also know that transition is no longer a choice. It's either transition or live miserably. Sometimes I question which would be worse, not transitioning and having her.... or transitioning and risking loosing her.

Unfortunatly, I don't have a solution. All I can say is that I clung to every word that you wrote. If nothing else, you can always message me and we can talk.

*big hugs*

--Kelli

Crazy, crazy.  That's life.  You get in, you get out, you win, you lose, you laugh and cry and live and die and everything between.  So you are choosing between clinging to a familiar stagnation or leaping into the brave unknown.  It's so nice, isn't it, being secure and familiar with another person?  It's what I'm told.  Considering that I never expect anything to last, these kinds of things are easy for me to handle.

However, I am perfectly willing to accept that sometimes things do last a very long time.  Why is your relationship dying?  You know why.  heavy schedules, independent lives, an inability to share mutual intimacy on account of your disability.  Are any of these things malicious?  No.  Do you lie to eachother?  Clearly not.  Do you want to be together?  Yes.  Is your GRS coming up?  Yes.  Is she going to finish school at some point?  Yes.  Is there hope?  Of course.

Patience is a virtue.  When you communicate with one another very clearly about how you feel, about everything (and I mean everything), there's little you can't handle together.  She should understand why you can't share intimacy like you used to.  She should also understand that you're getting ready for a big change that could turn everything around in that department.  She has her own life going on, and so do you.  So...  if you both understand this, you can either be patient and stick it out, declare open borders so you can seek other people for the time being, or just sever things and be courageous.

If it was me, I'd probably stick it out to see how my GRS affected things, especially if I was as fond of the person as you appear to be of her.

~ BB

Oh yeah, update.

Anyway, we broke up. We still live in the same apartment, just different rooms. We don't always act "broken up" cause we still cuddle and stuff. We communicate a lot and we're good friends. And we don't fight as much. It's the best thing we ever did!

Hi Natalie hon
I didn't know you were still living with your mate until I stumbled unto this thread.
Hey my heart goes out to you and I pray that things will work out for you. Getting separated from another you cared and loved is not an easy thing to accept.

Cindy

She has a new boyfriend now, so, in a way it's made easier for things to be entirely broken off.

I strangely feel lonely when I see her kiss him, but at the same time I'm happy for her. She's much happier now, and that's a good thing.

Hi Nathalie
You are quite right unfortunately things change. I really can't say how I would react if I lost my soul mate. She is everything in my life, all the good things I haven't had in many years. I will say this. You have already gone through 80% of the journey, or changes in transitioning. There is one more step to go, that is to confirm who you truly are and seeing things from quite a completely different perspective. The yin and the yang of SRS, the cross over, but not the end, no, not at all. It is like being reborn, starting life all over again. A grandmother? me? yes, but of course. One with the vitality and youthfulness of a much younger lady. A life style I never dreamed of before. Don't know if this post makes sense or not, if not just disregard it.

Cindy 

Quote from: gothique11 on November 05, 2007, 12:55:45 PM
She has a new boyfriend now, so, in a way it's made easier for things to be entirely broken off.

I strangely feel lonely when I see her kiss him, but at the same time I'm happy for her. She's much happier now, and that's a good thing.

It isn't strange to feel lonely..  You can be happy for her yet sad at the same time, I'd say it's normal..

I'm sorry things didn't work out .. =/

Quote from: gothique11 on November 05, 2007, 12:55:45 PM
She has a new boyfriend now, so, in a way it's made easier for things to be entirely broken off.

I strangely feel lonely when I see her kiss him, but at the same time I'm happy for her. She's much happier now, and that's a good thing.

I'm a jealous nelly, so I wouldn't really be able to stand that.  At least not at first.  I get over things pretty fast!

~ BB

Wow...i read this thread a while back and I felt for you but I did not take it in like i should have.
 
It's amazing how fast life changes.  I am very recently married (well civil unioned) to a trans man.  We meet about 3 1/2 years ago and have been together almost every day since.  Of course as Lesbians we survived almost for one another...at first it was hard for me b/c I was a very self assured person and my partner was the one who needed reassurance about us and needed me to show and tell him all the time how much I loved him.  It was almost to much...if that makes since. 
Fast forward to March of last year (just as the L word was ending) and I get the news that he's been thinking alot and is trans...that he wants to transition.  It should also be noted that we had already decided to get married by then...the date was set!  :-)  I've always been VERY trans friendly.  I am very interested and respect the amount of courage and strength it takes someone to confront themselves, their family, and society on whole and become their whole/true self.  However, it did indeed take me for a different loop b/c now I wasn't an outsider I was in the middle of all the action.  At first it was so exciting b/c even though I was figuring out my own thoughts, I was so friggin excited for my partner.  We'd look at binders and packers and mangos together.  He'd show me all the pictures from the various sights.  I was and still am excited for him. 
August came and we got married.  It was a wonderful day!  He was so hansom in his tux and if I do say so myself I looked pretty good in my beautiful dress.  It's weird b/c although I still identify as lesbian, having a trans husband almost felt more right. I was always attracted to butch women.  Sex with a man was not a turn off...women were just a turn on...if that makes since.  So the overall concept of being married to a trans man was not one I could not grasp.  No worries I knew it would be easy...but I wasn't turned off  by it. 

Now, things have changed.  Natalie's story and some of what others wrote about their relationships is starting to be true with us to.  My husband told me that folks in his support group warned him not to go through with the wedding but he never brought those things up to me.  We had postponed it at one time but then that seemed harder b/c we loved each other and we just knew we would be fine. 

He's changed recently.  Now I'm the needy one.  I need his love and reassurance and have become accustomed to our life where the other person was the center.  I'd settled into the concept of married life in the home we'd bought 1 ½ years ago.  I was ready for those next stages.  Jess was starting T, we were talking about his top surgery and meanwhile still wanting to start a family. 
Now he seems to want something different than that.  What he'd been telling me he wanted for years.  He was happy...I thought.   I thought I was supportive of his transition and that b/c of that we'd be fine. 

It's very hard b/c I love this man so very much.  It hurts me to not have him and it hurts me that he's lost within himself.  He doesn't want to hurt me yet I can tell he is not comfortable with me.  Our home life is tense to say the least.  We don't really do things together like we used to. 

I am trying to stay positive b/c I know there is hope for us.  He loves me and I love him.  Neither of us is ready or willing to end our relationship.  But I'm so sad to have lost my best friend.  The person that I talked to about everything and whom made me feel safe and loved and special.  He can't be that right now and I'm having  a hard time not feeling sad and lost.  I think I'm doing pretty good at giving him space and trying my hardest to not make him feel guilty for taking time to himself.  My only hang up is that he can't/won't tell me anything about that time.  He keeps a lot to himself about what he's up to where he's going/doing.   I feel like he has a whole life I'm simply not allowed to be part of.  He can't talk on the phone around me or take me with him to visit friends or do whatever he does.  It's scary and hard and sad!

So, I guess that's my really long winded way of saying I to feel all of your pain folks!  Literally! :-)
If someone comes up with the magic answer please let me know!!!!!!  :-) 
Jen

Hi j_king02
I read your story and could feel the emotions in your words, seems to me I went through a similar situation twice in my life, I will not get into the details of that experience. Actually I think I have posted bits and pieces here and there all over this board.

I to am married legally with another Trans woman so if one were to use labels we could be labeled as lesbians, hmmmm I was gaping the word lesbian and asked my partner sitting at her computer next to me for the word. I just responded, darn old timers anyway.

Anyway J I really don't know what I can say that would help your situation but I will send prayers to Great Spirit on your behalf.

Love

Cindy

Hi Cindy.  I forgot to put my name in huh...opps.  I'm Jen.  :-)   

Yeah my emotions are all over.  I love this man so very much.  I don't understand why he all of a sudden doesn't want me part of his life.  Why he keeps everything from me.  I've never been a person to keep you from your own friends but I also expect to somewhat know his friends and that I won't be excluded from all activities with all these random new friends....it's so frustrating.
To go from sad to angry in 2.5 seconds!!!   I really don't want to loose him/us but being a door mat is just not cool either. 

Anywho...thanks for commenting.
Have a great day!

Jen,

You message confuses me.  You seem so supportive.  Does his interest lie elsewhere now?  Now that he considers himself a man ( his treatment of you does not really reserve his right to be called one ) , does he want to be a player?  What is causing the disconnect?   Does he just want to hang with the boys?  Is he interested in men now?

Sorry just trying to get a clearer picture.  I mean I could understand if during his transition you said you were not interested because you loved the her not the him.  I am just not getting his perspective....

Daisy

Daisy,
Hi yeah it was confusing huh.  Early morning with little sleep.  :-)  We've been struggling for a few weeks now.  During that time he's completely withdrawn from our relationship...emotionally, physically, etc.  He's only talked to me about his thoughts and feelings once...just this past Friday. 

I am supportive of his transition.  He's not hanging out with the boys.  He has a boat load of women friends from work, past, who knows where and he does not fill me in about any of them or include me in any of his activities with them.    I have to say that piece of me is like it isn't even totally appropriate for him to have so many secret women friends....that's just asking for trouble!  But I know he's in a limbo of sorts and that I wouldn't really limit who he had as friends b/c they are very important to him.  But he shouldn't be so secretive about them...that's just reinforcing my feelings that he is stepping out.  He asked me when the last time we had fun was this past Friday and I said um the last time you were part of our relationship at the beginning of Oct. when we went to a concert in p-town.  Since then I've been chopped liver and he's just been doing whatever he wants with NO communicating or explanation.  I don't think he should have his own friends BUT I do feel I have the right to know his friends to some extent. 

Plus this is completely different behavior than he has ever displayed.  Yesterday although I was not supposed to be here (a trip I had planned with a friend was canceled due to illness) he left and went up to North Hampton, Ma. with some friend that again I don't know.  Now if he wants us to have fun together then what I don't understand is why he wouldn't have included me in that since we in the past have always loved going to NOHO together. 

that's the thing.  He is just NOT thinking about me as his partner.  He's only thinking of himself.  I'm getting NO respect yet he still wants to come home and wonders why I can't sleep and stay in bed with him like I used to just to cuddle.  His cuddles are half assed.  Sorry I know it sounds like i'm just bashing him.  I don't want to. 
This is a great person who will be a wonderful man....IF he ever gets his head outta his ass and acts like a man!

Jen :-)