How do you experience dysphoria?

[Lady Curiosity]

Sometimes my dysphoria is strong other times it is subtle. Most of the time I just feel a big detachment from everything going on in my life. I have no motivation to be the best person I can be because I feel that I am living some sort of lie. Sometimes I want to scream and throw a fit like a 2 year old wanting sweets, but I should know better so I keep a silent appearance on the outside. While inside I'm screaming and pouting. Each time I see a girl whom I could see myself as my mind throws its fit. "It's not fair!" I scream inside. Then I have to try to calm myself down because acting childish will not get me what I want. So I go into blank mode and detach myself from the feelings but this creates a dull existence. I feel boring. I can't make connections with others. I seem disinterested in their lives when in fact I care very deeply for them and don't want to see them suffer. So, my question is how do you all experience dysphoria? Does anyone experience it similarly to myself or is everyone a little different with it?

[suzifrommd]

Most of my dysphoria was social - that people would treat me as a man, men would want to be my pal, women thought I was approaching them sexually.

I also had body dysphoria in the form of pain whenever I realized I would never know what it feels like to have a female body with silky hair, breasts (though I've got little ones now), soft hairless skin, and of course a female bottom.

The social dysphoria is 100% gone. I still have body dysphoria from not having a female bottom and having to do with my hair (when I see it in a mirror), but it's more of a dull pain than something that torments me.

[Ishtar]

Hey,

"It's not fair" is really common for me. Much self-pity. I try to fight it since it isnt helping but it is really not fair, isnt it? Before i know that i am trans i cant really classify my feelings toward woman. If i saw a pregnant one i have strong envy feelings and get really sad but most times....hmm maybe like narziss who look at his mirror image? Some alien feelings, little body disphoria(beard, voice), cant stand my mirror image, "gratuitous" raising depression since im 17, insecurity in my behavior(feel sometimes like an actor) and since ~5 years ->-bleeped-<-. Since i know that i am trans these feelings are much stronger. Hopelessly and much more self-pity :S

Greetings

[Lady Curiosity]

Thank you suzifrommd for sharing. I despise the idea that men only approach women because they want to have sex with them because it just isn't always true. Vast generalizations are never true to every single person. That's why when I approach a situation I try to treat everyone like a blank slate and just pencil in things that I learn about them from the way they speak to the way they act. It's the best way I can think of to be fair. I definitely have body dysphoria too as well as the social bit you discussed.

Ishtar I totally feel like an actor too! For me it's more like playing a video game character though, more separation that way. I didn't even think about my identity that much growing up. I just went to school, played video games, read some books, watched tv. That was pretty much most of my life. I did have thoughts and desires of wishing to be a girl, but it never clicked with me. I never pursued it any further. In the past couple of years I've been seriously asking myself "who am I?" Things have gotten a lot more confusing. I know that I get to choose how to express myself, but I feel that choosing only limits myself to a certain image and I hate feeling limited because I limited myself through most of my life. However, not acting is limiting myself too so it sucks either way. Lol.

[Umiko]

how i experience my dysphora is like going into cardiac arrest. already had 2 episodes so far. i just see it a becuz different people have different feelings, the strong the feelings, the more terrifying your dysphoria becomes

[Lady Curiosity]

Umiko I'm sorry that you are going through that. *Hugs* I have had mild episodes of panic attacks. The most it does to me is to not let me sleep very well at night.

[Umiko]

mines also tend to disappear for a day but when it returns the next day, i literally have to claw at a tree to keep myself under control and upright until the arrest is over. people look at me like i'm crazy so i say when my heart starts beating again that i'm tree hugging lol.

[Dee Marshall]

 My job doesn't allow me to be that dispassionate about others. It would probably be better, really, if I was. I find myself reacting as I've trained myself over too many years, playing the man . It's as if I'm watching someone else use my body. Since I came out to myself and then most of the staff at work that happens less and less, and less with my wife, which she likes. I hope she connects the two when I finally come out to her.

For me, the cute girls, although I do envy them, don't really kick up the dysphoria. It's the large, the obviously ugly, the mannish, they make me think, "nobody doubts she's a woman, why do they doubt me?". That's when I really get hit hard!

[Lady Curiosity]

mines also tend to disappear for a day but when it returns the next day, i literally have to claw at a tree to keep myself under control and upright until the arrest is over. people look at me like i'm crazy so i say when my heart starts beating again that i'm tree hugging lol.

Haha. Trees are awesome for hugging. I know what you mean about it disappearing and then returning. I guess when that happens to me it's when the child within is tired of screaming and is taking a rest.

[Lady Curiosity]

My job doesn't allow me to be that dispassionate about others. It would probably be better, really, if I was. I find myself reacting as I've trained myself over too many years, playing the man . It's as if I'm watching someone else use my body. Since I came out to myself and then most of the staff at work that happens less and less, and less with my wife, which she likes. I hope she connects the two when I finally come out to her.

For me, the cute girls, although I do envy them, don't really kick up the dysphoria. It's the large, the obviously ugly, the mannish, they make me think, "nobody doubts she's a woman, why do they doubt me?". That's when I really get hit hard!

What do you mean by dispassionate? Also I totally understand letting someone else use your body feeling. I hope you come out to your wife soon secrets can kill relationships, but of course you have to be ready too.

*Hugs*

[Edge]

I used to be really disconnected from myself and my body. Every once in awhile, I'd get the feeling that I should be male, but I pushed it down.
Now that I accept that I have gender dysphoria, the fact that my body is female shaped makes me very uncomfortable. I envy regular guys, but don't hold it against them.

[Ishtar]

Ishtar I totally feel like an actor too! For me it's more like playing a video game character though, more separation that way. I didn't even think about my identity that much growing up. I just went to school, played video games, read some books, watched tv. That was pretty much most of my life. I did have thoughts and desires of wishing to be a girl, but it never clicked with me. I never pursued it any further. In the past couple of years I've been seriously asking myself "who am I?" Things have gotten a lot more confusing. I know that I get to choose how to express myself, but I feel that choosing only limits myself to a certain image and I hate feeling limited because I limited myself through most of my life. However, not acting is limiting myself too so it sucks either way. Lol.

my adolescent life could have a similar description. i had happy years 16-20 but i start with 17 to break my social contacts down. when my conscription ends with 20 my circle of friends was reduced to a handful. some fellow students try to approach me but i stay on distance. start to thought about moving out that i am alone and have my peace. i finally had to question my problems because the time comes when it was impossible to say "everything normal, nothing wrong". i often experience a bit refusal when i act to "childish(or girlish)" but that wasnt the reason why i start questioning but i wonder if my self-imposed isolation is linked to this.

greetings

[Jess42]

Most of my dysohoria is internal and mental. I have no problem being called sir or ma'am. Niether one bothers me. My male genitals do not bother me even though I wish that I had the female version, but no big troubles there either 'cause they have provided me with some feel good times. Mine is more internalized than anything else sort of like feeling out of synche and a deep yearning and longing that in itself is emotionally crushingand at times makes me an emotional mess.

[Lost in L]

Lady curiosity, mine is a lot like yours. The only difference is it spikes when I see anything to do with gender... And I work in retail...    my heart also goes crazy at moments too... I've only realized I'm transgender for a month but I haven't slept much at all this month. I also lost a lot of weight about 140 lbs... I think thats what made me realize it. When people say looking good inside I get so sad. And my body is horrible for the dsyphoria, tall, big feet, receding hairline, I've had beard since I could cause I hate shaving my face, kinda know why now. So I can't look in the mirror or it gets bad.

Jess42 I feel that same way to now seeing your post... However even with the good times my male genitals have started to bother me a little... Out of sync and emotional mess, Yup so true.

It's weird I think but ill say it. One thing I did which could raise questions I guess, but I grew out my fingernails I tryed filing them round, I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. But if the dsyphoria kicks in I just look at my fingernails and sometimes it gets a little better... I really like nail art but can't do it....

[AnneB]

Mine, I get sad when I'm walking behind girls, women, thinking, "why wasn't I born like them, why was I born like this??"  Where I work, we sometimes have groups traveling with us, for basketball, swimming, .. different activities.. saying hello as they board, or goodbye as they leave.. I see walls closing in when my dysphoria really begins to build.. Not like anxiety, or panic, but like a crowd pressing in.. I look at their faces, their clothes, their fun.. Wishing it was me.. Walking off, in their body, their joy, their fun.. mine...

I know everyone has problems too and that they're having fun now, but their own troubles may not be as "easy" as mine.. but I wish they were my troubles, not the ones I have, in this body.

I frown a bit and feel sad when I'm "sir'd".  There is no way anyone could know I would love to be "ma'am'd" or "miss'd" looking as I do.. but  that's just one thing that, someday, will be unmistakable.

[eli77]

I used to feel envious and sad about it when I was really young, but mostly I was okay. The real effects started when I hit puberty, every time I looked in the mirror at what I was becoming. It used to make me feel physically ill, like my stomach would churn and I'd sweat. And my shoulders would slide back and up, and the tension would rise in my body with this itchy, scratchy, wrong feeling. And then my head would hurt. I started avoiding mirrors, but I'd still get the feeling sometimes, whenever I noticed certain changes to my body.

I was on track to becoming a lifeguard, but stopped swimming entirely at about 14 because I couldn't handle being that unclothed around people anymore. A year after that and I wouldn't even wear shorts. It was a crawling, shame kind of feeling.

I tried to totally disconnect from my body and my feelings. I kind of went through life half-dead and mostly unaware, punctuated by periods of viciously self-destructive depression. I started cutting when I was 16, as a way to numb myself from feeling anything. Suicide attempts came after that.

I've always experienced emotions very physically and I still do, even now that the dysphoria is almost entirely gone.

[blink]

Surreal, disturbing, sometimes jarring, and overall very wrong. I know what I look like, but somehow seeing my face in the mirror is a bad surprise every time. Same with anything touching my junk. Before top surgery, a lot of effort was put into avoiding seeing my chest or anything bumping into it. As it was I could still feel those things there all day, so tried to always be doing something to distract myself from the wrong feeling. I often hesitate to speak because hearing my voice is unpleasant and weird. T is thankfully changing my skin texture, as it gets less soft and sensitive it starts actually feeling like my skin.

It didn't make sense to me. On someone else I would've thought my body looked good, but on me, I hated it.
Not knowing what was wrong also led me to misunderstand why I hated social interaction so much. Hearing my name or being referred to p---ed me off and I didn't know why. Things people said meant as compliments, felt like insults. Signing my old legal name on a form felt like committing fraud. I started buying men's underwear long before realizing what my problem was, because going into the women's underwear department made me feel like a creep. The thought "I don't belong here [in the women's section]" would come up and somehow, being an oblivious and ignorant dork, I still didn't catch on for a long time. I think I didn't WANT to catch on, because I didn't know there was a way to fix it.

[Jess42]

I would like to add that going through puberty was about the hardest and heaviest dysphoria I had. Raging hormones, all the freakin' confusion, the only time that I had body issues though, I still didn't mind the penis but I actually grew little buds on the chest, in which I really caught hell with but really pleased and thankful to have. I had to explain that it was an actual medical condition and ironically gave a lot of boys thier first feel of boob which I still smile about today. They finally turned into little A cups and I love em still. Finding myself attracted to both guys and girls really confused me. But hey, I grew out of it and looked at the bright side that being "normal" is so boring and overrated anyway.

[BunnyBee]

I experienced it like a cloud of poison.  Anything that was a part of the feedback loop that told me my body and my whole existence were incongruent with me, the actual person underneath, these were toxic elements.  The way I smelled, the hair on my arms, the way I sounded and looked,the way people treated me, looked at me, the expectations they had of me, down to things I wasn't even conscious of, like the chemicals in my brain—the more of these things that were wrong, the thicker and more noxious the cloud.  It reached a point I was absolutely choking on it and I started turning diseased and bile-filled on the inside.  By all rights it should have killed me and almost did.

[eli77]

By all rights it should have killed me and almost did.

I'm very glad it didn't. Many hugs, Jen.