Still struggling with whether this is a "want" or a "need"

[E-Brennan]

More than ever, I've been struggling with the concept of whether being trans is something I just am, or whether it's something I want.

I mean, I've managed to hide it away for decades, and much of that time wasn't utter misery.  And that makes me wonder whether this is just something I know I can have if I try hard enough, so I'm starting to want it.  It's like I'm trans because I can be, rather than because I have to be.

Then part of me says that I wouldn't even be thinking about trans stuff if I wasn't trans to begin with.  It's not like this is a common thing for cis people to start worrying about.

Ugh.  And now that things are moving forward with transition, I'm really starting to question myself.  Could I just stop going to therapy and find a hobby and be a guy?  Maybe I could just get a different job where I'm kept busier and I don't have so much time for my mind to wander.  Maybe I should just be happy with a pretty decent existence because we don't always get what we want?

And then I start thinking about how I have just one life, how I'd regret not ever being a girl.  Sure, trans stuff can be pretty screwed up sometimes and it's never the easy road, but who said life was supposed to be easy?  Who said life was supposed to be lived by doing the least risky things and being boring?

Thoughts?  Advice?

[Lady Curiosity]

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm questioning my place in this world as a person. That includes gender identity. The best answer I know of is that we get to forge our own destinies and if we want to transition as part of that destiny then we will incorporate it. The thing I question the most is what do I want? If I knew then I could plan it out and figure out what to do but I'm in just a completely strange place not knowing what to want. I guess desire is part of that but I don't know what to desire. I think I desire to be female because I don't really care for being male and I have at least a very minuscule idea of what I would be like as a female. I feel that by choosing something I'm limiting myself and I don't want to do that yet I have to do that because I can't have multiple experiences at the same time. I have one body and one life, at least in this reality, and I have to choose how to live it.

[mowdan6]

Only you can decide if this is who you are.  there are many like myself that have always known from an early age.  And there are others that know at a later age.  I think sometimes people fear to accept who they are because of the possible outcomes.  Don't feel like you have to decide everything all at once.  To transition or not is a major decision.  Maybe you need to take some time to be by yourself to figure it out.  Really look inside yourself.  You know who you are. 

[HoneyStrums]

Both, A want to exspress, your inerself without, in a more acceptable way.
And a need to do be allowed to do it without fear.

You seem to in a similer situation as me.
I doubt transition all the time, I often ask myself do I need to go further since I feel better? For me it comes down to an aknowledgement (sorry I'm a bad speeler) that I only feel better because of wear I'm going.

As trans a lot of our likes and dislikes, desires hopes and dreams, are considered for the oposite gender in our personal environment, and tret as un acceptable in our asigned sex, all we want is to exspress those aspects of who we are, however its currently not safe to do so in our bodies as thay are, so we need to transition in order to feel safer exspressing them in puplic. An often need to hide that we are trans from other through a fear of victimisation.

Also, you might be content at the moment, but you are on hormoans which could also be a factor in how you feel, without those hormoans you could go back to how you felt before, but if you don't want the ops don't have them.

In the futur I hope for a worls wear people don't need to go through the feels we have, but that requires a lot of changes in society, first and formost a disapearing of sexisme and gender rolls all together.

I often wonderd how nice it would be to have a transexual that still identifies as their birth gender and present completelly as the other. If you feel like a boy that just wants to look like a girl I still don't see anything wrong with it either.

But trans is about freedom of self exspresion no matter how you want to look, or what iner gender or asigned genger you have. Seriously just be yourself.

[Ms Grace]

Could I just stop going to therapy and find a hobby and be a guy?  Maybe I could just get a different job where I'm kept busier and I don't have so much time for my mind to wander.  Maybe I should just be happy with a pretty decent existence because we don't always get what we want?

And then I start thinking about how I have just one life, how I'd regret not ever being a girl.  Sure, trans stuff can be pretty screwed up sometimes and it's never the easy road, but who said life was supposed to be easy?  Who said life was supposed to be lived by doing the least risky things and being boring?

Yes, you could do those things. I know I did, and guess where they led me back to? I threw myself into my hobbies and work for twenty years and in the end I still couldn't deny I was miserable.

[DriftingCrow]

I think about this too.

But more like, do I want to be a guy because my society says there's only two options (man or woman)? My perceptions of myself and others are so influenced by the culture around me, so what's the real me? I need to block out the rest and dig inside to find the truth. Meditate, meditate, jap, jap.

[Rachel]

Hi ________, hugs

Only you can answer the questions.

I tried with all I had to suppress who I am and it just got to a choice. Now I am figuring out where I need be in order to be happy.

I have a demanding hobby and a very demanding job. They do not stop my desire to be me.

If I stop hormones I fear what will result. If I stop therapy I wonder if I will do something stupid.

The only thing I think that keeps me going is accepting myself and being kind to myself (easier said than done). I am getting more active at the diversity Pride group at work and volunteering.

I have 30 years left and I promised  myself they belong to me. I disagree with you; I think we get what we want if we go after it. It may not turn out as I imagine but it will be much better than a hollow self hating person.

Like I said, only you can decide your destiny.

[MbutF]

Ugh.  And now that things are moving forward with transition, I'm really starting to question myself.  Could I just stop going to therapy and find a hobby and be a guy?

I try finding a hobby and being a guy everyday, to various degrees of success, sometimes I'm OK, other times I'm really bad. There's just no consistency whatsoever.

Maybe I could just get a different job where I'm kept busier and I don't have so much time for my mind to wander. 

It works for me, especially when I have to get something done and deadline's approaching.... my mind is just too scared to wander! The problem is that I get into this situation in the first place, which is because of questioning my identity.

Maybe I should just be happy with a pretty decent existence because we don't always get what we want?

Every single day, Every time I wake up, I ask this to myself, so you're not alone...... I'm not talking about anyone else here, but me. I feel very greedy, and ungrateful for what I have sometimes.

[Lady Curiosity]

I feel very greedy, and ungrateful for what I have sometimes.

^ This is like me.

[suzifrommd]

Thoughts?  Advice?

Yes. I point out that you have hundreds of posts.

People don't muse about their gender to the tune of a hundred entries unless they have a serious issue with gender that isn't going to go away easily.

I'd regret not ever being a girl.

You said it there better than I ever could!

[Jenna Marie]

If it helps, I decided to transition because I thought I'd be happ*ier.* Not happy at all; not that I'd be miserable for the rest of my life otherwise. Not because I was desperate. In other words, from my perspective, it was more of a "want" than a "need."

And I'm now almost 2 years post-op and blissfully happy, and wish I'd known just HOW much of a payoff this would be. So I also think it's a bit of a mental trap - imposed by the cis world - to think that transition isn't justifiable or "deserved" unless it's a need.

If you think you'd be happier taking a particular step, do that, and then see how you feel about it. That's basically what I did, and although I ended up on the surgeon's table in the end, it was not a goal from the beginning; I went with simple baby steps and seeing if I wanted to continue/take a new step each time.

[E-Brennan]

Thanks for the reality check!  Feeling much better now.

I think I desire to be female because I don't really care for being male and I have at least a very minuscule idea of what I would be like as a female.

This is a really useful way of looking at the problem, Lady Curiosity.  I have zero desire to live the rest of my life as a man - it sounds so uncomfortable at best, and a recipe for continued misery.  I'm not sure I have much to lose by staying male other than making everyone else "happy".

Don't feel like you have to decide everything all at once. 

I tell other people this all the time, mowdan6.  The road to transition is long and gentle (with one, maybe more, surgical waypoints).  Sometimes I find that I panic and worry that it's such a huge goal in life, so far off, and it's hard to figure out how to get there.  But like you say, one step at a time.

I often wonderd how nice it would be to have a transexual that still identifies as their birth gender and present completelly as the other. If you feel like a boy that just wants to look like a girl I still don't see anything wrong with it either.

A good point, ButterflyVickster - it's easy to forget that gender just isn't binary.  There's a place somewhere on the spectrum (and even that term is far too linear to describe gender) where I'll feel comfortable; the only definite thing I know is that "male" is the wrong place.  The alternative doesn't have to be a 100% stealth female, and I appreciate you reminding me of this.

Yes, you could do those things. I know I did, and guess where they led me back to? I threw myself into my hobbies and work for twenty years and in the end I still couldn't deny I was miserable.

As ever, sage advice Ms Grace.  And as this site has shown recently, even the "manliest" hobbies like guns don't stop people from becoming trans*.

I have 30 years left and I promised  myself they belong to me. I disagree with you; I think we get what we want if we go after it. It may not turn out as I imagine but it will be much better than a hollow self hating person.

Thanks, Cynthia Michelle.  My first +/-30 belonged to everyone else.  I like the idea of making the latter years becoming happy for me, not for others - that's not too much to ask, is it.  And I see sticking with male ending in me becoming a hollow self hating person - it'll be one interesting journey.  Perhaps the journey is what I should be focusing on, rather than the destination.  That way I avoid the whole "wrong destination" worry.

I try finding a hobby and being a guy everyday, to various degrees of success, sometimes I'm OK, other times I'm really bad. There's just no consistency whatsoever.

That's a good point, MbutF - I don't want being happy to be such an effort.  It would be great to find things to occupy my time and mind with other than being trans (if they even exist), but like you say the mental effort required to do that could well be far greater than just being trans.  Keeping the closet door closed takes a whole lot of effort, doesn't it?  I should remember how hard that was for me.

Yes. I point out that you have hundreds of posts.

People don't muse about their gender to the tune of a hundred entries unless they have a serious issue with gender that isn't going to go away easily.

suzifrommd, sometimes the most obvious things are right in front of our noses, aren't they?  Like you so correctly point out, this site is hardly full of cis people just hanging out!

If it helps, I decided to transition because I thought I'd be happ*ier.* Not happy at all; not that I'd be miserable for the rest of my life otherwise. Not because I was desperate. In other words, from my perspective, it was more of a "want" than a "need."

And I'm now almost 2 years post-op and blissfully happy, and wish I'd known just HOW much of a payoff this would be. So I also think it's a bit of a mental trap - imposed by the cis world - to think that transition isn't justifiable or "deserved" unless it's a need.

If you think you'd be happier taking a particular step, do that, and then see how you feel about it. That's basically what I did, and although I ended up on the surgeon's table in the end, it was not a goal from the beginning; I went with simple baby steps and seeing if I wanted to continue/take a new step each time.

Jenna Marie, this sounds like a perfect plan.  One step at a time, and if it makes me happier, great.  If not, then no harm done.  I too suspect (and perhaps this is the core of my whole worry) that I'll end up on the surgeons table in a couple of years too.  A slippery slope...but one that's fun to slide down?

[Jenna Marie]

It was, in fact, a pretty satisfying and fun slippery slope. I don't regret any of it - which was sort of the point!

(Obviously, my advice is also NOT to do what anyone else thinks is "normal" or required or whatever for transition; if you decide you need GRS for YOU, great, but if not, you're no less trans. If there's one piece of advice I wish I'd gotten back then, making me something of a hypocrite telling you now... it's that worrying about 15 steps in the future will only stress you out. If you possibly can, worry about the next step and *maybe* the one after that, and try not to obsess too much about beyond that point.)

[Blue Rabbit]

Want, need........ Whats the difference?

If I took away oxygen from you, sure you'd need it back or you'd die. But you'd also want it back pretty darn hard like......

If need meant "so you don't die" and you never went for anything you want, you'd WANT to kill your self because you'd have no purpose, you'd just eat, sleep and piss..... Without want there is no meaning.

There are them people who live off the basics and in tents and stuff, not because they only take what they "need" because they WANT to live like that and for what ever reason thats what makes them happy.

There is a small difference between want and need but you can twist words too easily to make want, need and need want. They might as well be pretty much the same.

The only difference I personally see is that if you tell your self you need something you'll get it because you'll be willing to die to get it like the example of if I took oxygen away from you. If you tell your self or feel like you want something, it's something you personally WOULDN'T die to obtain yet...... If you need something you'd die to get it.

Want and need are both want, just different levels of want. If you want to transition in my opinion then you want to transition, end of. If it'll make your life better it'll make your life better what else is there to ask?

[Alyssa L.]

[Temporarily Removed by User]

[E-Brennan]

Want and need are both want, just different levels of want. If you want to transition in my opinion then you want to transition, end of. If it'll make your life better it'll make your life better what else is there to ask?

That's a good way of looking at it.  Like my therapist keeps urging me, keeping it simple and not looking behind the curtain is often a good way of accepting these feelings.  In the long run, it doesn't matter why, and the only thing that matters is the feelings existing in the first place.  They can't - and probably shouldn't - be explained away.

[E-Brennan]

I am right on the edge of starting HRT and my brain is telling me no, while my heart is telling me yes.

That's the worst, isn't it?  When the logical part of you says, "This is sooo dumb," and the emotional part says, "It's the best idea in the world and you have to do it."

I tend to fall on the side of making the logical decision and putting the emotions aside, but that rule has rapidly fallen to pieces when faced with such an illogical, indefinable situation like this.  It's not the logic that drives us to suicide.  It's the emotion.  Probably safer for me (us) to listen to our hearts a little more!

[Blue Rabbit]

I am right on the edge of starting HRT and my brain is telling me no, while my heart is telling me yes.

I used to feel exactly like that, but I didn't accept my self for "who I was" then. I know that sounds very cliche but it's true. I was still ashamed and thought there was something wrong with me. It just took a while for me to finish digesting all this information and being okay with being trans. It's inconvenient yea! But it's not bad.

How long have you felt like this? Because you may just need a tiny bit more time for your brain to catch up?

[Jess42]

Really and seriously, only you can answer that question. Sometimes we need to want and sometimes we want to need. Either or only you have that answer.

[jaybutterfly]

I relate all to much to this.

I cant look at myself and feel I will ever be happy with my body as it is. My face, my shape, it all looks wrong, so very wrong. I want kids, so I want to try to stay in a male body as long as possible so I can have them